Monday, December 8, 2014

Tired of Being... Just Tired

Whenever I'm overwhelmed rather it be from anger or sadness or stress or whatever, it always comes out in tears.

A long time ago when I worked at a drug store, I hadn't had my lunch (which was only 30min). I was told to go ahead and take it since it was slow, but of course there I am in the tiny breakroom when my manager comes in and asks why I'm eating when it's busy on the floor. He actually yelled at me. I think he even inferred that I was stupid or something. Surprised this happened, that he actually spoke to me like that, I put my food away and went back to work.

Later when I had calmed down - and by the way, it wasn't busy when I got back out there - I was just so annoyed that he would take that tone with me. I had mentioned it to one of the ladies I worked with then, and she happened to go to our boss and let her know that he shouldn't have treated me like that. I had no idea she had done this until he came down the aisle I was restocking wanting to talk to me.

That's when I burst into tears.

And it wasn't from what he had done. He was just the proverbial straw that broke my emotional back.

I had a lot of stress going on at that time, and I'm usually good at keeping that shit in check because the times I have let stress get to me I've broken out in hives or I've gotten sick. Whatever... just not pretty. So since then, I've tried to maintain a level of calm when it comes to life and so far it's worked.

However, I still cry. And when you cry, people have the tendency to go to the "What happened?" route thinking your sad when in fact you are so wound tight, you just want to scream to the heavens every curse and curse word you can think of that would make God, Jesus and The Holy Ghost blush.

So yeah, I need to work on that more.

Today was another crying moment.

When my manager was making the schedule for this month, she had asked if I would be willing to work the morning shift 7am-2pm Christmas Day. I said sure since it was the opening shift but reminded her the shift was actually 7am-12pm. (On holidays three people work the day in smaller 4-5 hour shifts.) And since holiday weeks have shorter hours, I asked if I was working Friday as well. (For November I was opening on Thanksgiving, but another associate wanted the shift, and I gladly gave it to her. I also happened to have Black Friday off as well. And then drove back home Saturday morning and straight into work.) She just said, "We can give you Friday off." So I thought I was going to be leaving work on Christmas Day at 12pm, heading straight to Fresno and then wouldn't be coming back home until Monday morning. In the end, she scheduled me to work 4pm-close Christmas Eve and then I had the next four days off.

Fast forward to the beginning of December.

One of the new temp guys ended up not working out and left. He was one of the three lucky people scheduled to work on Christmas Day (the 12pm-5pm shift). I come in today to an email that says since that dude left, she needs me to work Christmas. At first I write back, "12pm-5pm, right?" Then thinking about it, leaving here at 5pm gets me to Fresno at about 8pm or so. I wasn't too thrilled about that. So then I sent another reply essentially saying that I had already told my family what my schedule was and that it takes about three hours minimum to get to Fresno, and if someone else could take the shift, that would be great. While I was writing that, she had replied to my first email of "No, 5pm-9pm." (aka the closing shift)

Irritated, I walked up to her and said, "But he was scheduled 12pm-5pm." She said something about the original closer being new and how she wanted to bump him up to mid, and blah blah blah.

And then started the waterworks.

I tried to fight it. I did. I turned away from her eventually and unable to find my voice, I said through grumbly tears, "It's bad enough to work until 5pm which gets me to my family between 8pm-9pm, but to close?" She started to say that we could try and work something out, but I just waved her off and walked back to my desk, still crying but trying to do it quietly. She then walked over to my desk and said, "Let's talk about your schedule." So we went into the little off set room away from the department, and I was just not in a good place. Yeah, taking my day away from me after telling me (not asking me) my schedule is now Monday to Friday closing shift... and asking me if I would work the day and after saying I would and then not scheduling me that day... I just was not thrilled.

Through tears, I told her about her emails and how she didn't ask - just told - saying "this is this, see me if you have any questions." She then said she remembered on our first one on one meeting together that one of the things I mentioned was not only to ask for something to be done, not to tell. (Yeah sure, we'll most likely have to do it anyway, but common courtesy and manners for frak sakes.) Also I had said it'd be nice to get a little "thank you" and "good job" every once in a while and not just on reviews or monthly meetings. You want to build your team up with postivity and kindness.

She said the easiest thing to do for her would be to have me switch one of the new guys who's been here for a few months. If that didn't pan out, she could ask a couple other people. That led me to think that she didn't ask anyone else. She didn't send out an email for volunteers. She just went straight to me... which kind of pisses me off since it had been explained to me early on that when I was new, I could ask for time off or whatever, but since I was essentially low man on the totem pole, that I would be the first to be turned down. Now I've been here going on three years, and I'm still being treated like I'm that low man.


In talking with my closers tonight, one of the guys had said he didn't ask for the days off, he just got them, and he'd offered to work those days. I looked at him and said, "You wanna work Christmas Day?" not really meaning it, but he said he would actually talk to him wife about it, and since it was not the opening shift, it shouldn't be so bad since his family stuff starts at 3pm. I'm not holding my breath, but I will say that was awfully nice of him.

So here I am. Sitting at the office. Alone. Writing this longer-than-I-originally-thought-or-meant-to post. Enjoying the peace and quiet and zenning the shit out of my chakra... whatever.

I'm tired of being stressed and mad and frustrated and unhappy and all sorts of other things that make my stomach turn and scream and kick and all sorts of other violent things.

And now? I go home.

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!

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