Friday, June 29, 2012

Feeling Better - Hope It Stays That Way

My life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes. That's a sentence I read once and I say it over to comfort myself in these times that try the soul. 
-Anne Shirley from "Anne of Green Gables"

So just to get them out of the way (and seeing as I actually did some story blog updates that I completely forgot about since lately it feels like the universe has been using me as its personal punching bag of DOOM!), here are some updates.

Story blog updates (in no particular order)...
Still need to work on stuff for...
  • The Curly Muse
  • Kearie
  • Enyo
Works In Progress (ish)...
  • Results of the Writers' Wheels-O-Wonder
  • Story A Day for May
  • Second Draft for Jenny S and Chris M
  • Chloe (novel)*
  • Abby (novel)*
Now all of that is out of the way...

Man, I haven't touched either of my novels in a while.  I REALLY need to change that.  I think of them all the time, but right now my mind seems really preoccupied with the second draft of the Jenny S/Chris M story though I'm finding it difficult to get back to my inner creepy.

Quick, Rae.  Think.  What would MacGyver do?

Looking over everything, I think I have about four more story blogs to update by tomorrow which would make me happy as a clam if I could pull it off.  As it is, I was thinking about writing a poem for The Curly Muse, but I started to write a story for the next prompt for "a boy, a girl, and a line..." (courtesy of Jillian S) so I might just use that as an update and do John S's as an update for that story blog next month.  I'm not totally done with Jillian S's prompt yet, but it's getting there.  I have an idea of how I want it to end, but I definitely need to work on the beginning.

I'm not really good with stuff in space... as shown by this story... but I'm going to try.

In other news, lately my sinuses have been pissing me off.  I have this thing when the weather changes (I think it's humidity or something), my sinuses get all whacked out and rebel against the rest of my body leaving my head to suffer the brunt of it.  Most of the time it's fine if the whether is somewhat constant... giving my body time to adjust and get a handle on things.  But when it fluctuates a lot, I get sinus migraines which are not happy-making in the slightest.  All I want to do is lay down until it goes away, the pressure against my pillow making my head feel better.  But then I can't really write or read a book laying down flat, and I eventually pass out.  And then waking up and the headache is still there?

For the past few days, my nose has been runny and draining into my throat (yeah, I know... gross).  I've been sneezing a lot so I thought it was allergies, but I guess I got a cold (a little one, maybe).  I haven't been coughing, and the sniffling and sneezing have gone away, but my throat is still sore from all the drainage, and towards the end of the day, it hurts to swallow.  I freaked out a little since several years ago, my throat swelled up, and I couldn't eat anything too big or solid.  The stupid doctor gave me pills the size of watermelons (let's hear it for hyperbole, ladies and jellyspoons), and it took a long time for me actually get the damn thing down.  It was like reverse childbirth, but instead of expelling something the size of a watermelon out through something the size of a pea, I was trying to swallow a pill the size of a watermelon down my throat which had swollen shut to the size of a pea.

Mega discomfort I never want to go through again.

As it stands my throat is fine though after Google'ing images of a sore throat during a cold, I look normal.  I'm just trying to kill it with kindness and drink lots of warm beverages to help soothe and possibly melt away the icky-poo-icky of my sore throat.  (Right now I'm drinking tea.  Earlier I was drinking coffee.)

It's crazy drinking hot drinks in summer.  Reminds me of when I went to the mall one freakishly cold winter, and people were lined up at Cold Stone Creamery for treats.  WTF?  I'm not saying you can't eat ice cream in winter, but there are days that it's been so hot that all I want is an iced tea or cold drink of water, but that isn't good for my throat.

Last night at a friend's house, I made some hot toddies with Bushmills... so I guess that kinda made up for drinking all that hot stuff.  It's along the same line of thinking/reasoning as "Sure, I'll have one more donut.  I'll just do ten more minutes on the elliptical."

Never mind.  It makes sense to me.  LOL!

Anyway, I have some ideas milling about in my noggin for the remaining story blog ideas.  Currently I'm with Jess F having a work date (we keep each other company while I write and she does her computer web design stuff).  She is currently "resting her eyes" while I finish this up and curse my damn nose.  I really don't want to rape it tonight when I get home

(rape = neti pot = nasal irrigation)

I've done it once before, but it's always a last ditch effort since it rarely gets so bad I have to do it.  I did it a few years ago during a particularly humid summer when my nose got so dry, everything just went up into my nasal passages and stayed there turning to cement and making me extremely not happy.  I didn't get a traditional looking neti pot (which actually looks like a little teapot).  Mine's a little squeezy tube you fill with luke warm water and do nasty things to your nose/face with it.  I really don't want to do it, but I think I'm left with no other choice.

I just want to be all kinds of awesometastically dope for NERDHQ next month.  I'm volunteering dangnabbit!  I cannot wait to meet up with everyone from last year.  Woot!!!  (Now if I can just situate things to go my way until then...)

All right.  Jess F is up from her nap (and currently serenading me with George Michael's "Careless Whisper"... complete with sax solo) and wants to get out of the house for a while so I shall sign off on this post and check all y'all later.

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Shut Your Fuck 2012!!!

Can you feel that?
Ah, shit
-from the song "Down With the Sickness" by Disturbed

Ahhh June.  You whore month.  How you have sucked for me this year.  Actually, this year has pretty much blown goats of the largest and most diseased variety.

Oh how I hate you.

I am so incredibly unhappy right now, it's killing me.  Life stresses have been digging away at my innards like a zombie at the bottom of the Grand Canyon which is completely filled to the brim with live naked immobile humans.

(Yeah, have fun with that mental image.)

As you can tell, I haven't been having the best of days though on the brighter side of things, I'm still above ground and breathing which an ex-friend of mine once said which I always took to mean to be grateful I was still alive.  But seeing as that ex-friend is no longer in my life and has yet to deliver the apology they so graciously said they'd someday give me, in my current mood, I say FUCK YOU!

I believe I have been keeping it together as best I can for the most part, but it's hard to keep your head up high when it feels like the universe continues to deal you shitty hand after shitty hand, and seriously... I'm tired of folding.

Life has made it difficult for me to write, but this month has been the worst I think.  I haven't really worked on any of my story blogs though I have been working on a short story which has been a two-for-one combo project for my friends Chris M and Jenny S.

To recap:

I hung out with friends Chris M and Renee M earlier this year, and Chris M told me of this film project that he'd worked on and how much of a nightmare it was.  Then they both proposed the idea of me writing him a simple three page story based on a simple movie formula he got from a book.  I said I'd do it.  Problem is every time I started something, I'd get grumbly about it and start again.  Over and over and over again.

More recently my friend Jenny S has been riding my ass regarding my writing which I actually quite enjoy and appreciate, but recently when I was feeling incredibly down in the dumps, one of the things she gave me was an assignment.  She wanted me to write a short story in the first person from somebody else's point of view.  She originally said to do it within 24 hours, but I was completely at a loss of what to write since most of my stuff is third person.  I read a lot of authors who write in first person, but I find it difficult and a bit of a challenge.

A few days after the Jenny assignment was given, I had an epiphany of sorts of combining the two assignments.  I had a bit of a beginning in my head and a vague outline and idea, but I was going to try to make it work.  I started writing, and made it to three pages quicker than I thought.  I sent a message to Chris and asked if it was okay I wrote more than three pages (mainly because I knew that I was going to write more than that from where I was when I sent the message... as well as Jenny telling me to shoot for ten pages).  He said he was fine with it and to write whatever I wanted.

Now here's the thing.  Those that know me know I have a penchant for writing odd stuff... and also dabble in creepy.  (I never used to believe I could write creepy scenes much less whole creepy stories, but there was this one bit of a story I was working on with a teddy bear that freaked out three of my friends... I was quite impressed with myself and giddy with accomplishment since when I wrote that part, I had only meant for it to be weird and possibly suspenseful.)

Anyway, I'm getting off track.

With this story I was working on, something changed.  When I was working on JUST the Chris story, I had kind of imagined it to be dark and angry.  When it became a Jenny and Chris story, my mind shifted and the story turned into something else and not creepy at all.

Jenny continued to cyber-poke me (she lives on the other side of the states so she emails/messages me often) saying I was to finish the story soon.  Then one day during an independent productive work date with my friend Jess F, I was close to finishing the story when Jenny pops up on Facebook.  Her message was simple.  It was her email address followed by the words "I await a draft".

I finished the story when I got home that night and sent it to John S to proof, but he said he'd read it when he got home (he was at work and we were chatting on Facebook).  I had wanted to run it by someone before sending it to Jenny, but seeing as she said she was waiting for a draft, I decided to just give her a rough draft.  Not wanting to wait, I sent it, and she sent back a message saying she'd read it that night.

Am I the only one that writes something and then gives it to someone to read and is impatient to hear anything back?

Jenny emailed me back her review, congratulating me on my rough draft and said some other positive things, but she pretty much thought it should be creepier and more violent.  In all honesty, I was surprised.  That was my original intention beforehand, but now I was kind of being told or asked or requested to make it more gruesome.

I conveyed Jenny's opinions to John, and he agreed.

So now I am working on version 2.0 of my story.  I want it a little more polished before I send it to Chris.  The current draft is 13 pages.  I wonder how long the second draft will be.

It's weird when I'm asked to be dark and twisty.  I get performance anxiety.  Usually the dark and twisty just flows through me.  Now I have to work at it.

I tried working on my "dark and twisty" last night while surfing the net, talking to John while he was working the night shift, checking out Hulu and fretting about life in general.  (I was trying to channel my inner creepy kid and not finding a connection anywhere.)  So while searching for a connection, I check back to see if John's said anything since I'm watching videos and can't hear the chat chime.  I go back to Facebook and find another chat window open from now another ex-friend with some (insert drama here) news, and it just bowled me over.

Suddenly everything became too much.

Now the ex-friend situation wasn't so incredibly bad compared to everything else I have to deal with, but it was just enough to send me over the edge - the stupid drama straw that broke my emotionally unstable camel's back.  I chatted with John about it, and his words were encouraging, but I still broke.  I also talked to another friend who was in a bad mood, and we kind of brooded together for a while.  Then after not being able to focus on anything, I shut off the minibook and the lights and laid down to try and sleep.  Nimitz (my cat) came over to cuddle with me, and I was grateful for her company.  I literally cried/whimpered myself to sleep and woke up feeling terrible and completely depressed.  I spent the whole day hiding in my room not doing much of anything.  A couple friends invited me out, but I said no.  I wasn't in the mood to be around anyone then.

Later I got a message from my friend Diana M inviting me out for drinks, and I thought about it and thought it a good idea to go, but then gave various reasons why I couldn't make it.  Then those reasons were shot down, and earlier this evening (remember: it's not the next day until the sun comes up) Diana M and Kevin Z picked me up and we (with Dawn S and Jess F) went out.  I had a new drink called a Miami Tea.  Very citrusy.  Not too bad.  Helped Kevin with his Scotch discoveries.  Overall it was a nice night, and I thank my friends for their attempts at cheering me up.

I'm still bummed and irritated and grumbly about the whole thing.  I just hate it when people make assumptions about me based off of whoknowswhat and don't bother talking to me.  The situation last night was a little different than the rest but it still ranks in that category... granted low on the scale but it's still there.

I think I'm a pretty decent person with a big heart.  If it's within my power, I will help you out.  I'm also a bit of a free-spirit that doesn't want to step on anyone's toes so if there's a problem, I want to talk it out, but apparently not everyone is like that.  They'd rather make assumptions on things based off of what others say instead of talking to the one person that actually matters and is involved in the situation.  If you're friends with me, and have issues with me, talk to me.  And if I somehow irritate or hurt or offend you in some way, I sincerely apologize... but you have to let me know because it's not fair to me to be blindly hated or treated badly without any warning or notice if I don't know what's going on.  

The funny thing about all of this is my mood earlier today was perfect for the dark and twisty theme of the story rewrite, but I just had no energy to write due to the funk I was in.  Then after going out with my friends, I came home contemplating working on the story, but when I had the energy to work on it, I had no dark and twisty to give.  I'm still bummed and depressed, but I have no idea how to tap back into that creepy part of me.

So yeah... that's pretty much it.  I haven't updated anything.  I haven't worked on any of the stories for May (that I totally intend to finish even though it's almost the end of June).  I'm not going to take on the 100 blog posts thing until life's a little more stable for me to do so.  I wanted to participate in this year's Clarion Write-a-Thon, but with all that's going on, I just don't have enough left to give it the attention it deserves.

2012 has been a really shitty year for me so far, and it seems to be a pretty shitty year for some of my friends as well.  I really hope things get better REALLY SOON... like maybe, oh I dunno... RIGHT NOW!!!

I need to follow a rainbow to its end and find that the planets have aligned perfectly on a pot of gold with the winning lotto ticket so that things can start getting better.  Until then, if anyone is looking for me, follow the boozey stench and quiet muffled crying.

It would just be so faboo if things worked out for me in a secure and lovely way since I'm volunteering in SoCal next month at NERDHQ (the one thing I refused to give up in the midst of all this nonsense).  I was accepted.  Now I just have to work everything else out.

It will work out.  It will work out.  It will work out.  (YOU HEAR ME UNIVERSE?!?!?!)  It will work out.  It will work out.  It will work out...

And who knows, I might get all my updates done before the end of the month.  That would be something at least.


That's all for now.  If you have any words of encouragement, large sums of American currency or alcohol, feel free to send them this way.  They'd be much appreciated.

Later my loveies.

Have Goodness!

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Don't Mind the Crazy... I'm A Writer

Well, isn't it comforting to know that being miserable is still better than being an idiot? 
-Claire from the series "Six Feet Under"

Yeah, I know.  I suck.

May 18th?  (You can't see it right now, but I'm kicking myself.)

Before I beat myself up anymore, let me get the accomplishments out of the way.

And now for the noncomplishments.  (Yeah, that's right.  I made up a word.  Deal with it.)
  • I'm still behind on my Wheels-O-Wonder stories which depresses me.  I have part of one from before done, but I still need to write another one to catch up on my bi-monthly updates for that story blog.
  • I still need to work on Chris M's story... which I have part of that done, too, but when I look back on what I've written, it does not please me (but then again, you are your own worst critic, so...)
  • I'm WAY behind on the Story A Day for May challenge... seeing as it's already June and all, but I still plan on doing all the prompts so... put that in your pipe and smoke it.
And back to beating myself up.

Seriously though, I know all writers get stuck at one point or another, but lately (especially this last month) I've been feeling extremely apathetic about writing.  Usually the insomnia (and sometimes the occasional sinus migraine) leave me in such an exhausted state where my brain is screaming at the rest of me to jot down some ideas or write something, but the body is too weak.

I swear I need to jack-in like The Matrix and spill my thoughts into the computer at times like those.  It would totally beat out the middle man and the hassle of teaching one of those dictation programs how to write what you say.  Then again, my mind is not one of the safest places to linger around in.  It's my mind for frak sakes, and I tell you people... RUN!


Yeah, life stress is adding more than usual to the ever-flowing "meh" feeling, but I remain hopeful... though that is on shaky ground and completely unstable (much like me some would say).


On a lighter note, I was looking through my story blogs (most of which are just ongoing stories I started for one reason or another and just couldn't let go of), but I noticed that two of them were close to ending.
When I was working on my two stories for a boy, a girl, and a line... (which for some reason I feel the need to do in order), I was looking through my notes and saw that I had two prompts left.  So yesterday on a fluke I posted the following on my various social networks:

Looking over my story blogs, I have two more prompts left for "a boy, a girl, and a line..." (one from Jillian S. and one from John S.).

Anyone want to give me anymore? Just need a boy's name, a girl's name, and a line of dialogue. :)
So far, I have five new prompts.
Confession time: I'm surprised anyone answered.
Originally back in March 2010, I had pinged my friend Chris C totally at random because I was stuck while working on my novel and wanted to write something in hopes my brain would spring to life and say, "By golly.  I have a spectacular idea for the novel."
Yes.  Golly.  Get over it already.
Anyway, he didn't reply until a couple days later so I randomly texted other friends, and they responded.  I posted for suggestions online, and I got some more back... all in all nineteen.  I did a good chunk of them in 2010 in the span of three months.  Then two in July 2011. Then five as of this year since I started this mad cap cooky idea to try and update all my story blogs on a monthly basis.

Yup. Mad cap cooky.  I talk like that.  And?  (That's what I thought.)
Life, stress, insomnia and other writing projects got in the way of me working on the prompts (hence the gap between May 2010 & July 2011 and then later between July 2011 & January 2012).  They were originally meant as something to keep me writing when I was stuck while working on my novel... kind of like when a jogger jogs in place when waiting to cross the street.  But after a while I got poked by friends asking if I'd done their story yet.  Whether or not they were serious and truly cared or were just giving me grief, I tried working on them... for them as well myself.
So now it's become this thing.  

I didn't expect the first nineteen and am rather tickled that I got the new submissions.

Funny thing is some people got confused at my request.  All I said was "give me a boy's name, a girl's name, and a line of dialogue" which I thought was self-explanatory.  Most of the original submissions were exactly what was requested.  Others... I worked with.  Now of the new submissions, I got one boy name and one girl name, but some people have given me more than one line of dialogue... which is fine.  I'll work with it.  And I've properly yanked chains that needed to be yanked.

*innocent cough* Seester *innocent cough*

The other story blog in question is Stoically Challenged where my friend Alithea S posted weekly writing assignments (which I don't do in order which boggles my OCD's mind) via her own page only missing days when she had a lot going on or when she was sick, etc.  Then she moved to another state so in prepping for that move left the assignment postings in the wind... then she picked up when life returned to some normalcy post-move.
Of the homework assignments she's posted, I'm still stuck on Epic.  When I think 'epic', I think Biblical or classic poetry or literature... okay, and the record label as well as my friend Britt F's YouTube channel.  (wink wink nudge nudge say no more)
And for those that didn't get that last part, it was a Monty Python reference.  If you didn't get it, well... I might have to rethink our friendship.
When I've discuss the "epic" assignment with friends, they find a way to put it into perspective for me, and then I get ideas that quickly fizzle away like Alka Seltzer tabs in water.  
I'll get it done sooner or later.  Maybe I'll save it for last.

As it is, I have five left.  There have been thirty-four in total at present.  I think the last one she posted was from January.  Maybe she'll post more.  Maybe she'll post more when I'm working on the last one I have.  Wouldn't that be convenient?  I used to do them in order and on-time, but then I got behind, and then started doing them willy-nilly.

Ugh.  I need to update my notebook of all the stories I've done so I don't repeat anything... like with homework assignment #32.  (headdesk)

Wow.  Would you look at that?  It's 7am, and I really should get some rest due to having to take my friends to the airport later.  The plan is to meet them at their place between 1:45pm & 2pm so we have enough time for them to do the security thing due to them flying international and all.  I also have to get gas in my car.  Maybe even some coffee.  And then there's traffic.  The plan is to get ready around 11am so I can properly fight my way around my housemates and their four Yorkies (one of which who hates me when they're around and then is scared of me when they're not... it's hilarious... considering the other three love me).

So I think I'll end it here.  I've griped, whined, reported and made enough chit-chat to suffice for now.  Still, I need to write here more often than I do.  Maybe once a week?  I dunno.

And if you have any submissions for "a boy, a girl, and a line...", you can leave them here.  Remember, all I need from you is...
  • a boy's name
  • a girl's name
  • and a line of dialogue
  • and also you're name so I can give you proper credit as I have been doing with all the others
Okay, check ya later beautiful people.

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!