Thursday, April 17, 2014

Dream A Little Dream Of...

To gain your own voice, you have to forget about having it heard.
-Allen Ginsberg, poet

I haven't written much lately. Not since my last post anyway... which I forced myself to stay up until I finished it (took me 'til about 4am). After that, I shut down the laptop, turned off the lights, and... sat in bed in the dark turning over story ideas in my head.

The ideas that were pondered (in no particular order):
  • LEVERAGE fanficiton - a bracelet a friend gave me recently inspired an idea to be added to the story in my head that no one will ever see.
  • CHUCK fanfiction - re-writing a scene to the story in my head that no one will ever see.
  • NaNoWriMo - toying with ideas for the story that I want to (maybe) do this November.
  • Lack of Conflict - I have a scenario in my head of how two people and end up dating, but I don't have any sort of conflict for later in the story. I also can't think of any conflict for my (lack of a better tentative title) Aidan Turner Story. (I always imagine actors or people that I know in my stories which always play out like a movie in my head, and one of the characters I created for this story has "him" in it.) 
  • My Two Unfinished Novels - I really should finish those soon.
  • Kidnapped Story - just little snippets here and there.
  • Writing Contest - due by May 2nd
I dunno. My mind is all out of whack since... well... it's been a while now.

My life since last post has consisted of:
  • cooking this week's meals (which was a mutant version of mac and cheese)
  • laundry (three loads total)
  • watching Orphan Black with Kathy W
  • more room organizing adventures with Kim M
  • reading "Divergent" by Veronica Roth (me and my friend's bookclub choice this month)
  • working
  • plotting out payday (bills to pay, errands to run... pamper myself with a back massage)
  • thinking of less carby, more filling, inexpensive meals to prep for work lunches
  • plotting when I'll be heading back to the gym (probably Sunday night)
While waiting for the final load in the dryer, I could have tried to write something, but instead the media whore in me won out, and I watched the latest "Once Upon A Time". After that, laundry was pretty much done which left no time to write. After I put my clothes away, I headed to Kathy's and fit in one more episode of Orphan Black (we've watched the first two episodes now) before heading to Kim's to work on her room some more.

Working on her room is giving me ideas for my room since she and I have similar situations where we have limited space and have had to move from a 2+ bedroom house to shoving everything into one room (and a storage unit). Right now my room is cluttered, and I feel I need a paid vacation just to spend the time on it I feel it deserves. Also the ideas I have require items that I'm not sure exactly exist for what I want to do. Ideally I'd like a different dresser, but that doesn't look like it's going to happen anytime... not until I get my own place anyway. But I'll get to my room eventually.

I kind of have this idea for her closet (which has been converted to the crafting closet per her request). She bought these little three drawer things that are cool, but the two bookshelves she has in there are different heights and widths so I'm wondering what the cost would be to get one wide shelving unit to replace the two she has in there. I'm going back on Monday, and we're going to go to the store to get little sorters to fit into the drawers so I can put all her crafty bits in one bin. She sews, makes jewelry, knits, etc... so she's got all sorts of things from glues to thread to needles to pins to patterns to various other sorts of things. We've sorted a good chunk of her bins into Renn Faire, Dickens Faire, costuming bits and fabric. There are a couple bins that have been sorted to go to storage as well as to be donated. I feel rather accomplished when I work on her room. Monday I didn't so much, but she claims we accomplished some things so I'll take her word for it.

I guess it's just my mind frakking with me.

I'm behind on some things at work. I was all caught up before we started using this new system, but since the system is still (essentially) in its beta phase with us, I have to use my email and the customer service email to see what new things have come in so I can search for them in the new system and make sure everything is assigned to people and taken care of. On top of that, I have surveys and emails that my manager has assigned me that I have - for the most part - finished, but I still have a handful (compared to what I had before) to see to. At the time I wasn't overwhelmed with my responsibilities, but it's just a matter of priority. You want me to make sure "production" is current and handled, that's what I'm going to concentrate on. Emails are now being handled in the new system, but it's just... if the other mess was filtered out of it, maybe I wouldn't have to go all over the place to make sure shit's handled. Right now I'm looking in two email accounts, two spreadsheets and the CRM system so that my personal spreadsheet that my department references is current and up to date.

And totally random rant: So we had an old production spreadsheet that had hidden cells - hidden meaning the task was completed - leaving the incomplete tasks exposed. When looking through it to find when something was done or if it was even received, people only had viewing rights. So the idea now - since I haven't been told any different - is that my spreadsheet is for my department to reference. Everyone save a couple other people have viewing rights, but I created two tabs - ALL PRODUCTION (no hidden rows showing everything that has been worked on since I was asked to monitor production) and OPEN PRODUCTION (with hidden rows showing all the incomplete tasks). A week or so ago my manager asked me to help her read my spreadsheet (which she owned on Google drive by the way... and that's a whole other story which I won't be into). She asked how she was able to tell what had been completed and what was still being worked on. I had to reign in my snark when I showed her the tabs and what they said. (I also color code thing so everyone on the team has their own color and when they complete a task I've assigned them, not only is there a "date completed" date marked, but it's highlighted with their assigned color. Items not highlighted or have a completed date listed? Not done.)

Reminds me of when I occasionally get my hair straightened. (My hair naturally curly. The red dye job I have in it has grown out considerably, but I'm still essentially Merida from "Brave".) When I straighten my hair, there are people that ask, "Did you straighten your hair?" I've grown accustomed to saying "No"... which usually warrants looks and/or the comment, "Are you messing with me?"

It's just like Forrest Gump says - Stupid is as stupid does.


I'm currently working on a menu revision for a restaurant that has called to let us know several times that their menu changed, that they sent a menu with the driver, and "WHY ISN'T IT REVISED?" It took almost a month (and me telling the driver MYSELF) to get menus, but when I looked at the menus and what we had, they are totally different, so it's gonna take a while. I took it upon myself to work on it, but as it is, I haven't had a lot of time to work on it since I got the menus Saturday night (and I was off Sunday and Monday). I started on Tuesday, didn't get to any of it today since the rest of production was getting a bit behind, so yeah... I just have NO idea when I'm going to get to finish it.

And it looks like additional copies of the menu are showing up at my desk. WTFrak?!?!? NOW people remember to get me menus? DO NOT MAKE ME BACKHAND YOU!!!

I need some order. I like it when I have order. That's not to say that I'm not spontaneous. I love flying by the seat of my pants and doing whatever at the moment. Or even have a tentative plan of "let's just go here and see what there is to see".

But with work, there is always talk of "prioritizing" (though I feel there's also talk of "this is how we do this" and then forgetting what was said during that conversation and me getting questioned about it...). My work day is pretty much come in, make calls for the lunch rush (it's a little quiet at the time I come in so I have a small amount of time to check email, glance at production, pray to the Work Gods to give me guidance and a good day before it starts to get busy), then after the lunch rush is a mix of next day calls, incoming calls and fitting in a little bit of production before I go to lunch (same assigned time every day), then next days calls if they haven't been done already, an hour of production just for me on Tuesdays and Thursdays after my lunch, dinner rush/calls, then home.

Saturday work nights have been the equivalent of blowing up a pinata filled with chaos dipped in Hell, set on fire and shoved up your ass using nothing but a rusty mace coated in hate Alien Queen acid.

Right now I have some random semblance of a plan at work and having the same shift during the weekdays I'm there helps, but with changes in policy and staff, the proverbial monkey wrench makes it difficult to not necessarily assimilate and adapt but merely slows that process down a bit.

It also makes me want to beat people with a hammer. A REALLY BIG HAMMER!!!

What's that prayer?

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 
The courage to change the things I can, 
And the wisdom to know the difference. 
-Serenity Prayer



The other night for shits and giggles, I did a studio apartment search, and of course living where I live, everything cost my soul and my first born... plus a deposit. And then there's my cat which usually tacks on another large sum of money that is just mental and totally not necessary.

I think I'd do well with my own space. I just need to find that space and be able to afford it. (Why can't I be independently wealthy? Why can't money grow on trees? Scratch that. I have a black thumb. I'd most likely kill my money tree.)

Ideally I'd like a one bedroom apartment (two so one bedroom can be my office), but I'd settle for a nice little studio. ANYTHING is better than the hovel I'm in now.

Surfing the net just now whilst daydreaming I found some lovely studios where I picked my top five... starting off with my fave of the group...
I mean... just look at the shelf space for BOOKS!!! I would have a place for a desk... and a table to eat at... a couch to sit on... oh the things I could do with this space.

Looks pretty condensed compared to the first, but the kitchen will give me enough space for baking. I can also set up a work space for myself. Also looks like there's room to add bookshelves. Joy!
This place looks pretty spacious... but I could do without the orange. Burgundy would be cool... or just white with some decorative decals of picture/art framings. Overall though not too shabby.
This is cute, too. Love the brick and the enclosed bed space. And the kitchen looks PRETTY!!!

This is a cute little setup. The kitchen area is a bit small but doable.
Right now I have to deal with my car accident settlements. (I HATE the waiting game... especially when neither of the two accidents were my fault. Plus OFF DUTY DEPUTY WHO WITNESSED THE GUY THAT RAN THE RED AND T-BONED ME WHICH TOTALED MY CAR!!! Why is THAT taking so long?) *grumble*

Who said patience is a virtue? Not feeling very virtuous... or patient. First accident was February 2013, second was June 2013. It is now APRIL 2014. I swear to gawd if this goes past a year, I'm gonna choke a bitch.

Breathe, woman, breathe. Woosah!

Okay. Baby steps, girlie. Baby steps.

Summary of goals...
  • stop being fat
  • find my own space
  • write/read more - get published
  • be financially secure
  • be happy
  • tie up loose ends
Sounds like a plan, right? Now to make the plan a reality.

Would also REALLY like to do NERDHQ this year and be a volunteer... though last year screwed me for the time off... *grumble grumble grumble*

(looks at clock)

I meant this post originally for Monday... then that plan got shot to shit so I entertained the notion of moving blog posts to Tuesday and Thursday versus Monday, Wednesday, Friday... but then work got in the way... so I thought I could get this done for Wednesday.

And now it's 1:36am... on Thursday.

Yeah, yeah, I know. It's not tomorrow 'til the sun comes up, but dammit dammit dammit. I'll get back into the swing of things soon... hopefully...

(looks to the universe - doesn't seem to be laughing at me... yet)

I guess I should get to bed now. I did take a nap when I got home earlier since insomnia had me up until 3am-ish last night. It's almost 2am now. I should at least try, right? And maybe a time travel short story idea will pop in my noggin via an inspirational dream that I'll remember when I wake. Yeah?

(fingers crossed)

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!

Sunday, April 13, 2014

What Has Become Of Me?

I went for years not finishing anything. Because, of course, when you finish something you can be judged.
-author Erica Jong

So yeah. I suck. I'm getting old, and my brain is broken.

Now that the self-non-erotic-flagellation is done.

April is here, and here I am with not much to show for it. But the month is still young, so hopefully I'll get more done than I did for March.

My March accomplishments are as follows (in no particular order)...
Didn't manage to get to the last seven story blogs. But meh, March was a bit poopy for me.

I know it's partially because I haven't gotten a lot of quality sleep lately. Credit for that goes to insomnia which has teamed up with the weather to do its bipolar thing and change temperatures rather drastically so my sinuses turn to cement in the cold and give me the WORST MIGRAINES EVER!!! I force myself to work through the migraines - mainly cuz I have to - but then I usually just head home after, collapse on my bed, and just DIE!!! I even raped my face with my saline/netty pot thing - and it didn't do shit!

Then of course there's the Elderly Man in the room next to me. He has been sleeping with his door open, and whenever it's brought up to him to shut it, he apologizes and then closes it... which HELPS since his bed squeaks whenever he moves even a little. His bed also has a vibrating setting for when his body starts to pain him. This however is the least of the noise issues that keep me up because at least it's a steady hum, something constant and never-changing like white noise. But the man also snores. OH GAWD DOES HE!!! With the door open, it's just loud and on days where I'm utterly exhausted and need to sleep... his snoring doesn't help. I think he's gone to a doctor about his sleep habits, and now as one of those sleep mask machines which turns out is like the massaging bed - steady white noise hum - but I'm not sure if he's using it as often as he's supposed to be.

And then there are the dogs.

The entourage of little furry minions she has is annoying at times. It's like the stereotypical woman with a billion cats. Add to that the dogs that she babysits as her side job... and the two the nursey-assistant-person has brought with her new - one likes me while the other is doing the "I'm gonna bark at everything" stance on my existence.

And let's not forget the people.

Landlady's Son is still with us though I'm not sure what his arrangement is just yet. Before I was told that he was trying to find work down here and that his stay would be temporary. He got work -he's in insurance or finance, can't remember which since we don't really talk - but he's still here. His kids come over for a visit, and Landlady used to be good about telling me when extra people were going to be in the house. (It's her family, but the heads up is great.) But they run around, yell down halls, have fights with the dogs.

So picture it if you will... me, laying in bed. Done reading my book or watching my shows (via my laptop since my access to the TV/cable is essentially non-existent), and I lay down, lights out, to pass the frak out. Most of the time I can pass out due to exhaustion or just plain luck, but to the left of me is Landlady's room, and at random times, one of the dogs will start to growl which then turns into a bark which starts a chain reaction that makes me want to punt each and every one of them to high heaven. Or the big one - and by that I mean the mutant Yorkie who is like the size of two or more Yorkies combined... like Yorkie Voltron or something - will attack one of the other dogs (recently she attacked the Grandma Yorkie of the bunch... not cool at all). Landlady has talked about finding her another home, but so far I haven't seen any evidence of that.

Elderly Man stomps his feet back and forth from the bathroom where he flips the lid up clanging the porcelain to porcelain, making a loud BOOM which startles me. He also talks in his sleep a bit. Don't remember some of the stuff he says... pretty sure I don't want to know. When awake, he yells for Landlady... not because he's hurt or anything, but when he thinks "I want to tell her something", he calls to her from his room... and gets louder when no one replies... and all he wants to tell you is that The Daily Show was funny or something. Landlady tries to shush him up, but he apologizes and quickly forgets.

And then you've got the people slamming doors and yelling on the phone or arguing with each other or clattering dishes around, etc.

People always suggest on me using headphones, but I'm paranoid I won't hear my alarm for work. When I remember or feel I need them, I use the earplugs that Jon S gave me and put on my mask and just tune the world out. I only get to do that twice a week, but at least it's something.

When I am awake, I find myself getting annoyed at my housemates antics. Elderly Man doesn't shower in the same bathroom as me but uses everything else... and leaves a mess of mouthwash and other stuff on the sink. Landlady's Son will shave and not clean up his hair trimmings. (This morning I found haircut trimmings in the tub.) I also have a drain cover that catches all the hair - since I have the tendency to shed a bit. The Son will push it aside when it clogs on him or not clean it out after his turn in the shower - since he and I... and his kids... are the only one that use that shower. I mentioned the hair this morning when I was about to take a shower for work, but I cleaned it up myself since I wanted to be done with it and not have to wait.

And total random rant: TOILET PAPER!

Not only do people in this house not know how to refill a roll, but they also have no idea where to look for toilet paper. Right across from the bathroom EVER SINCE I'VE BEEN HERE the extra has been in the hall closet... like TWO STEPS FROM THE BATHROOM. Landlady has told me before that she and Elderly Man got toilet paper, and I could give him a couple bucks for it, that'd be great, and I do. The past couple of times I've run errands, I bought an 8-pack of TP just as backup and put it in the closet... which has apparently turned into a void since every time the roll is empty, someone says we need more, and I point out the closet, and people say "Oh, I didn't know".


So here I am refilling and restocking some extra rolls in the bathroom... which then all go to the trash without anyone doing anything to replace them.

The last of the TP was used the other day before I headed out with Kathy W after work to see Ann Brashares at an author event for her new book "Here and Now". I dropped Kathy back at her car, drove to get food and headed to the store for TP. A part of me thought "Landlady got some today, didn't she?" but I didn't trust it. When I got home, I went straight to the bathroom, and I saw a roll in the cubby above the toilet and one on the roll. I looked in the closet - nothing there - so the stuff in the bathroom must be from my Landlady's stock (which of course isn't depleted as fast since she's the only one that uses her bathroom). This morning while getting ready for work, she texts me to ask if I could get some TP today, and I text her back to let her know I got some the night before and put it ALL in the bathroom. She texted back a thanks admitting she didn't look.

(Totally random, but as I write this, dogs are barking, I hear a lot of dog shushing, and Elderly Man has gone to the bathroom several times, stomping each time both ways.)

I really need my own place. (looks up to the heavens) You hear that? I need my own place.
  • a place where I can walk around and not be barked at
  • a place where I'm only cleaning up after myself
  • a place where I can cook and bake at my own leisure
  • a place where I have room in fridge and pantry and cupboards for my things
  • a place my cat can roam about freely
  • a place I can go when I want to be alone and escape and relax
  • a place where I can have friends over
  • a place where I can have a desk and sit at it and write or play games without my back hurting
  • a place for my family to stay if need be when they visit
  • a place where I can books on shelves instead of keeping them in boxes in storage
  • a place where the only snoring I'll hear is coming from my cat
  • a place where I can talk on the phone past 8pm because my cat won't mind
Okay. Done ranting about my desire for my own place.

What else has gone on in my life lately?

(insert Landlady's dogs barking here)

I've been helping my friend Kim M (aka Wifey) with her room. She rents a room in a house and has LOTS of stuff that she really doesn't need anymore. So me and my OCD are helping her purge what she doesn't need/use anymore, and we've had lots of "donate" and "get rid of" piles. (So proud of her.) There are a few things I've inherited from her - pens, small bottles of scented hand sanitizer, candles, a scarf - but most of her room has been sorted. We've been working at least once a week for the past few weeks when we both get out of work. She usually gets home around 4:30pm, and with me and my new schedule letting me escape by 5pm, I'm usually at her place close to 6pm (because traffic sucks donkey balls). We usually go to 11pm at the latest, but by the end of the first day, I found her floor. By the end of the second day, I found more of it. By the third and fourth days, I cleared out the space under her bed (she has one of those beds that's set up high, and you can put a desk underneath. In this case, she made the bottom her bed her closet.) I'm meeting her again on Monday. She'll hopefully be bringing more tubs with her back from her boyfriend's house and hopefully that's all we'll need to store/purse the rest of her crafts/costumes/faire stuff.

(Landlady's dogs won't shut up now.)

The days I help her out - which my OCD and I are glad to do - I skip the gym. The first night I was at her house, there was lots of lifting and moving and sweating and throwing the trash, etc, and as she walked me out, I commented on the gym, and she said, "You already had a workout for the night." And she was right.

Sadly the days I wasn't meeting up with her were the days my sinuses decided to give me the finger, laugh and say, "Oh no... not today." The day after the first day with Kim, I tried to go to the gym. It's a small gym, and I could see it was crowded so I parked and waited and tried to read in my car. The whole insomnia kicked in, and I got tired just sitting there so I opted to take a power nap. I woke up about 15 minutes later thinking "I'm going to the gym". The cement brick behind my eyes said otherwise. The pressure and pain was so bad, I felt nauseous. I went home and went straight to bed.

My sinuses don't do well in extreme, abrupt climate change. Lately it's been cold and then the next day - BOOM! - really dry hot. My nose will either run or spackle up. The pressure between my eyes and behind my head and terrible. Recently it's started focusing on the front and back of the left side of my head. Fun... not.

So with helping Kim and feeling off/on sick with my sinuses, I haven't really gone to the gym in almost a month. The original plan was to go everyday. 

Why? Cuz I'm a cow.

LOL! That brings to mind the Eddie Izzard quote from "Dress To Kill"...

Dear Sir,

My name is Daisy. I am a cow.

I wish to take my own life so please send me three buckets of anthrax, as anthrax is designed to kill cattle, and I want to end it all right now.

PS... I cannot shoot myself as I have no opposable thumbs.

Anyway, where was I?

My back has also been contributing to my gym absence since it occasionally acts up, and all I really want to do is go home and lay down on a heating pad. (Yay for back injuries.)

The lack of sleep as well as the other things I have mentioned are definitely frakking with my energy levels, and I'm sure my stress isn't helping either. I've also been bummed about a few things, but that's just general gloomy behavior, and I won't get into it.

But in the end, my writing has been suffering.

The lack of physical energy has made it difficult to write. In a way it's similar to my insomnia. With my insomnia, I'm all kinds of tired, I'm thinking of nothing, and I just want to pass out... but for some reason I can't. The popular theory is that my mind can't "shut off" which is causing me to stay awake longer than I'd wish, but my mind is a complete blank at the time, then it must be on a subconscious, and how the frak am I supposed to know about that and shut it off?

My "fatigue" leaves me in some physically numb state. My mind is firing on all cylinders wanting to write, to create, to put my ideas down and build a situation, a scene, a story. But when I open the laptop or try to hold a pen, nothing comes. Sure, I have moments of pure exhaustion - lack of sleep, working hard on Kim's room, trips to the gym, hard day at work or just a long day in general - and my mind knows it wants to write but those moments, it just doesn't know how to sort things or where to start or what to write.

But those moments are also few and far between.

I really hate this lack of energy/concentration. It's bullshit, and I hate it.

In another writing-related dilemma...

A few months ago, I had an idea for a scene which has been turning into something else. I keep thinking "maybe I should just write notes, outline, and prep this idea for NaNoWriMo this year"... but then the desire to write a scene, etc, hits me, and I get all frustrated. Before my first time doing NaNo, I was told by a fellow writer that I can outline, research, take notes... but I can't write a thing until midnight of November 1st. In all honesty, I dabbled a bit with one scene, but I wasn't really sure where to go with it so I didn't write anymore, but I don't know. How do you stop yourself from actually writing something you want to potentially do for NaNoWriMo?

Also looking over my story blogs, some of them just hit me with ideas, and I have ideas for them and that excite me a little.

And then there are others that I have no idea what to do or where to take them.

I'm also thinking about removing the tabs to my other story blogs and just making this blog a blog. I always tinker with that idea. I mean... I think a few of my friends read them, and a couple have actually posted on here. Perhaps I will. Maybe I'll just leave this as a blog, but the intent was to make this blog about a writing blog, but I guess it's just turning into a blog about a girl who's a writer. If I had a following, I could put the idea to a vote, but since I think it's really only me... I dunno. I'll just mull it over some more.

I want to write. I want to write ALL THE TIME. The WANT is there... I just don't seem to have the energy to do anything when I actually DO have the time.

And now to add to how crappy I've been feeling, I'm currently going through powerloss Wednesday night which explains why my back is extra achey and why I feel nauseous.

Joy of frakkin joys!

It's not bad enough that my energy levels seem to be depleting. Maybe I've been infected with apathy that is somehow manifesting into lethargy which is best friends with insomnia...

Oh dear. I'm fucked!

(and more barking and my Lanlady yelling back at them)

Okay, okay. I have been pushing myself to finish this post and get to bed. I'm still in sullen mood and my back hurts... yeah, I think it is SO time to go to sleep (or at least try). And who knows... perhaps I will find a much better world when I wake.

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!

Monday, March 3, 2014

Writing Slowly, But At Least I'm Writing...

"We have a weight to carry
and a distance we must go.
We have a weight to carry,
a destination we can't know.
We have a weight to carry
and can put it down nowhere.
We are the weight we carry
from there to here to there."
-from the "Book of Counted Sorrows" (written by Dean Koontz)

I am made of fail.

February was a mixture of lots of tired and not enough energy. Insomnia exacerbated by living conditions, random work stresses making get all knotty and grumbly, remaining legal stuff taking forever (as I knew it would regardless of who was at fault)... and taxes are just not a happy thought right now.

I think I fulfilled 1/3 - 1/2 of the updates for last month, but that does not a complete month of updates make. I will try harder next time (aka this month, the month of March), I promise. Hopefully sanity and energy levels will be much better this month.

Nothing much to report in the land of "me, myself and I".

Work is still trudging along. The new guy Tim L (who was working out quite nicely) is leaving us for school. He's in his last semester so he opted to concentrate on that instead of that and work. I get that, but I thought he was cool and liked having him around. He picked up stuff rather quickly, and he's extra testosterone for the department. (For a while it was just Wes H before Paul C transferred himself over from being a driver.)

On the plus side of things, I joined a gym and working on becoming half the woman I used to be. (Ba dum bum.)

I joined a few months ago. With the job and the hours that I have available to me, I had to accept the fact that I wasn't going to make it to a gym. Also I didn't have a gym accessible to me where I lived (like my brother has in his apartment complex) to do workouts. (He has since also acquired a gym membership.) Another issue was the track near my house - it wasn't lit well at night (which is when I'd be able to go walking), and I didn't feel comfortable rounding the dark side of the track even with one earbud out listening for creepers for me to shiv. (Also the other day I thought I'd try walking the track, but then I found a BAZILLION geese eating the grass in the center of the track. When I first heard the noise, I swear to you, it sounded like a horror movie sound... like the "kill, kill, kill..." from all those Halloween movies. Funny but creepy all just the same.)

So yeah, even though I can't really afford it, I got a membership at one of those open 24-hours places that gives you a little fob that you hold against the door to unlock and let you in.

What do I do at the gym?

I started off with the treadmill. Simple, right? So I have funky feet (as in flat, large and prone to unhappiness). I went for 30mins the first time. My times at the gym were off and on, me giving in to laziness more than I should have. (Trust me, I need to go to the gym.) But it's hard for me to motivate myself into doing something if I can't find a level of fun in it. The gym I'm at has classes but they're prerecorded classes projected on a screen which is cool so at least there's that, but what I was really looking for was a hip-hop class to take. Gyms that offer stuff like that close early, and I knew that having limited hours at a place with my current availability would not work out for me, and I didn't want to end up paying for a place that I wouldn't be able to make it to.

Eventually I started going more often, usually at night when there are less people hogging the machines. Once I even had the whole place to myself which was kinda cool. I was sick for a couple weeks back toward the end of January so I stayed home thinking it was best that I didn't snot and hack all over the equipment or other patrons. Once I felt better, I came back. About a week or so ago I was again alone in the gym. I had contemplated starting some weights since I need to lessen my midsection. (Having a figure similar that to an eggplant is no bueno.)

A thing that I found odd was that in all the working out I was doing, my thighs were the only bits feeling anything. A friend (Mo C) said that of course working my legs out for over an hour was going to make my thighs. But that wouldn't be the case since I had working my legs off on the treadmill for an hour for a couple months and voila! Nothing. In the end, the general consensus was that my thighs were the weakest body part so that's why it was feeling the way it was feeling.

A few more days later, I started feeling it elsewhere.

So my simple little routine I do when I get to the gym.

I usually watch Food Network while at the gym.

(60min + 5min cool down): I alternate 5min fast, 5min slow since my left leg is still funny when it comes to hard activity. Plus my feet are a little bad but that's what I get for having flat sasquatch tootsies. And the slower times allow me to hydrate without starting a wet t-shirt contest in the gym. -- I really like having a TV to plug into when I'm at the gym so I can tune out all the guys lifting weights in the back of the gym as they grunt like they're either...

  1. in a porno
  2. giving birth to a baby the size of Buick or 
  3. possessed by demons. 

When I hear them grunting and noising off back there, it makes me think of that Phil Hartman SNL sketch where he's a weightlifter and when he goes to stand with the weight, his arms are ripped from their sockets, blood spewing from the shoulders, his arms still sticking up from the bar.

I'm always watching CS:NY close captioned over here.
    Biceps & Triceps (3 sets of 10, 10lbs, 3 sets of 10 down, 20lbs): This machine has an adjustable seat with a desk-like flat surface that is tilted away from you at a 15-degree angle down for your arms to rest on. On the left is a handle to switch to do upward or downward curls.

    I start with the handlebars (they look like bike handlebars, right?) in the down position, and do 3 sets of 10 at 10lbs with a count of 10 seconds in between. Then I switch the handlebars high and change the weight and start to do 3 sets of 10 at 20lbs with a count of 10 seconds in between.

    When I start doing weight stuff, I try my best to not clang the weights against each other when releasing the rep I'm doing. Aside from being bad form, I just hate that noise. I'm usually feeling it on the last set of 10 so sometimes there's a clang. (Can't help it.)

    Hellooooooooo... thighs!!!
    Inner and Outer Thighs (3 sets of 10 each, outer at 30lbs/inner at 20lbs): Next up are my thighs. I stick my legs in what are essentially downward facing stirrups and start with them close together, put the pin at 30lbs, and then BOOM! After three sets, I change the pin to 20lbs, move the stirrups apart and work on my inner thighs.

    I had to cut the image on my phone with an app since the gym frowns on taking pics (mostly I believe of other guests in all their splendor) and some dude in the free weights moved over and looked up just as I took the shot of the machine. So out of politeness (and lack of editing talent on my part), I removed him from the shot.

    Lacking creative caption for this pic,
    Abdominals (10 sets of 10 at 30lbs): And here we are at the end of my workout tour. This works the abs... and I was looking for something to work on my lovely thick looks-like-I-just-got-out-of-hibernation tummy. It's really the only ab machine in the place... save something in the freeweights section, but all that grunting makes me want to stay away.

    So I set the pin at 30lbs (40lbs as of a couple nights ago), pull the rollercoaster-looking shoulder harness over me, hold the jetpack handles and proceed to - essentially - do a sit-up... well... sitting up.

    Since I'm doing 10 sets of 10 at this point (again, a ten second count in between), I always forget where I'm at in my reps. Plus at this point I'm also close to the freeweights area and even though I can't hear the TV, it always seems to be playing a repeat of CASTLE. 

    Distractions. Sheesh.

    I'm tracking my food/calorie intake with an app on my phone that also adds in my exercise to essentially earn back calories. I recently revised my profile so my daily calorie intake is less, and I've been kicking my ass to go the gym everyday. I usually go at night since it's a small gym, and there are less people (and less grunting). 

    Now if I could just make it so I can function just fine with - like - five hours of sleep then that would be fantastic. I can go to the gym, be fully rested, and not be so damn groggy all the time.

    Crappy thing is that the gym used to wear me out so I was properly tired to go straight to bed afterward, but the past two days I had day off were different from previous weeks where I wasn't sleepy enough to sleep until 5-6am... which is just frakked up.

    Damn you insomnia. WTFrak did I ever do to you?

    There are some free classes at sports places that I've been curious to try. There's yoga and hip hop. Zumba scares me a little. Maybe when I've got my bearings a little more with what I'm doing now. We'll see.

    There was something I saw online about how long it takes to notice a difference when working out - for you, for your friends and for your family. I tweeted out the questions, and my friend said about two weeks. I'm not sure what that noticeable change would be since I'm not weighing myself. (I don't know... most of the people at the gym weight themselves in 'kg' and there's something about bending over to flip the switch to pounds that squigs me out. 

    Maybe I'll do that tonight. I'm all about conquering fears and all that.

    I would like some more workout clothes. Shari S (friend from work) got me some clothes which I was surprised but also grateful for. I need more shirts though. The ones she got - the v-neck one especially - are faboo, and I'd love some more of those. I had entertained the notion of getting some large v-neck men's undershirts as workout shirts, but they're a little pricey for a small quantity.

    But I did happen to find some gym shoes which made me hella happy. I have a cush pair of white Skechers that since I don't really have any other sneakers had to do me for the gym, but I didn't want to kill my sneakers too quickly. So Target was having a clearance on some shoes, some of them being athletic shoes. I went about to various Targets to see what their stock was, and the last one I went to, I did what I usually do when trying on clothes and grabbed everything I thought was in my size, sat down and tried everything on. I swear, if I didn't find anything I liked, I was going to give up. But I had pulled about seven boxes. Most of the shoes were origianally $30-$35 but then were marked down to $20. The plan was to use my $15 gift card I won after a game at my friends' holiday party (I got the most unscrambled words... YAY ME!) for my gym shoes and pay the difference. Of the shoes that I liked (which were like three), I checked the price of all of them, and the third pair were only $8. AND IN MY SIZE!!! (I think I mentioned this in my last blog post, but damn, it's just a rare gem of a moment where I find a clearanced item in my size. Usually those items are for smaller sized chics. Not me. But woo hoo!!! Hell, I even impressed the cashier with  my find.)

    So yeah... I'm going to try and keep up this going to the gym every day thing. Hopefully I'll start to see a difference that'll make me feel less moo-like. My pants have been a little loose, but I keep reminding myself hat it's not because I've lost weight... it's just the jeans. (I'm an in-between size so my pants are about a half size too big, and since belts aren't an option for me due to the metal not agreeing with my skin, they can get a little saggy and make my brain say "Hey, is my body getting thinner?" Then I have to tell my brain "No, it's just the jeans." And then my brain goes off and pouts, downs several shots of tequila, and passes out in a pool of despair, Oreos and tears.)

    Oh dear GAWD, where did that come from? LOL!

    Going to the gym now. 

    Later my lovelies,

    Have Goodness!

    Wednesday, February 19, 2014

    Almost a Month Later...

    I'm a salami writer. I try to write good salami, but salami is salami.
    -Stephen King

    Hi lovelies! It's me again. I really need to kick my own ass and get my shiznit in order with these updates.

    I've been working on February updates. I completed January updates so YAY ME! I look at this month and think YEAH I CAN DO THIS! But then the whole thing of the month being a short month usually ends up screwing me over... which if you think about it is an ODD thing since it's only short a couple days.

    Guess two days REALLY make a difference... or can psych you out... or at least ME out.


    So what has happened since last I babbled at all y'all...

    (looks back at date of last post)

    Work. -- Work schedule needed to get sorted for the first weekend of this month. I had asked for it off at the beginning of January, and my manager said it would be okay... just to remind her closer to when next month's schedule was to be worked on. So I reminded her and made comments, etc. There was even one time when she asked me for a favor, and I obliged, and she said, "Thanks I owe you one." And I said, "In addition to getting the first weekend of February off?" She said, "Yes." So then I happened to log in to my work email on my day off to check my schedule (having felt a deep forboding all month) and lo and behold - I was scheduled to close on February 1st. Things eventually got sorted, but I was still a little grumbly about it.

    Currently on my lunch in which I usually sit at my desk and write or surf the net or whatever, but I still get people coming up to me about work stuff. I joked with some friends recently that I was going to make a sign to hang outside my cube to say I'm on lunch. Today I wrote "Out to Lunch. - Do Not Disturb. - Thank you." So far, no one's bothered me. YAY!

    Home. -- Landlady had her surgery. She'll be out of commission for a few weeks. Her son is in and out of the house and is shacked up in her office since additional help to take care of the elderly man who lives with us. Those people have been sleeping on the couch as they chill during what is essentially the graveyard shift. Landlady had spoken with Elderly Man about leaving his door open (he snores, it's loud, keeps me up - that sort of thing), and it was closed the day before her surgery. While she was gone? OPEN. *sigh* He's been keeping it open since she's come home, and it still annoys the crap out of me, but I've been listening to timed recordings lately to help me sleep and usually zonk out halfway through them so I guess they're working. Still...

    Her little dogs still yap at whatever is around them or stimulates them: other dogs, the doorbell, someone flushing the toilet, a leaf falling from a tree, each other, the air...

    At night they'll start to yap, and I can hear my Landlady screaming at them to shut the frak up. Sometimes they can go on forever.

    Her grandkids were over for the weekend which is fine though she normally tells me about visitors. She got a trampoline in the backyard for them to play on which is hilarious. They were on that thing almost all weekend that I could tell. Sitting in my room, I could hear the "bouncy bouncy" sounds of the trampoline which was fine to me since they've run around the house before. Yes children. Stay outside. Bounce to your heart's content!

    Still need space in the fridge and pantry. Rearranged the fridge to fit my small amount of food in there, and what happened to it? The same old thing. No one pays attention to the organization that was done and just shoves stuff back into the fridge - pushing my stuff to the back. Everything is Costco sized crap, so my stuff gets lost in the mix until it's eventually unearthed as new penicillin or having formed its own colony or species. Landlady told me that the fridge in the garage has space now, but last time she told me that, it was practically full by the time I got food to put in there. *headdesk*

    Family. -- My niece's birthday was officially January 8th, but my brother and his wife usually have her party a little after that since everyone just got over Christmas and they usually have a big party complete with bouncy house, etc, and will wait for better weather.

    I love that little weirdo to pieces. She is my favorite person in the whole world.

    I also hung out with my mom which was cool. Getting her to read now... though she has the tendency to not do things if I'm not there to bug her about it. We went to the library to get some stuff for her. Hopefully she's read some or most of it since I left.

    Got some brother/sister time as well. Had some beer and chit-chatted a bit.

    I'm still looking for the SD card that had the pics from my father's visit last year around June/July, but the ones that I have go up to just before my dad's visit and then to September at my friends Kevin & Diana's wedding. My dad periodically reminds me about the pics (which trust me, I haven't forgotten about), but do you know how big an SD card IS? It's the proverbial needle in a haystack! I would think that if I left it at my mom's, that she wouldn't have thrown it away. I'm sure it's either in my room or at least in my trunk/car, but so far I haven't come across it. I hope it turns up, but I'm trying to prepare people in case it doesn't. No one seems to understand that I can't just make the damn thing appear so I'm just taking it one day at a time.

    Health. -- Recently had a bout with a cold. Tried to continue going to the gym but eventually congestion took over my brain and made it impossible to deal with treadmills and the like. Then I was out for the weekend for my niece's birthday. I was eventually able to breathe again of my own volition after that, but then powerloss started kicking my body's ass with all those aches and pains you normally get during and maybe even shortly before. For me - since I haven't gotten back on the pill yet -- my symptoms happen about week before any evidence of powerloss appears. And now since I'm older, there's boobie aches and nausea and a frak ton more icky-poo-icky nonsense to deal with. A coworker - Shari S - invited me to do yoga with her this past Sunday. In all honesty I've always wanted to try out yoga. Went once with a friend - Van D - YEARS ago, but that was only the once. But this past Sunday I wasn't feeling up to snuff and with the nausea and aches, I didn't want to bend over to do some yoga pose and end up hurling all over the floor.

    Yoga barfing = no sexy

    Strangely enough I felt better the latter half of Monday so I decided to venture to the gym after work Tuesday (yesterday). I think it had been two weeks-ish that I hadn't been to the gym, and I thought with my luck that about halfway through my treadmillingness, my body was going to revolt on me and all the powerloss symptoms (which continue during powerloss as well as before and a little time after) would come back to body slam into oblivion. But nope. The crappy fell to my feet.

    OMFG!!! MY ARCHES!!!

    They always say "It's like riding a bike" - that once you learn how to ride a bike, you essentially can pick it up again easy-peasy. What they don't tell you is that is that your body has to get re-used to riding the damn bike. I don't know about you, but my back needs to readjust to being bent forward over the handlebars of my mountain bike, my legs have to get reaccustomed to pedaling in various gears... and my ASS has to get used to that damn tiny seat!

    Who knew that two weeks away from the treadmill would make my feet gripe so much? It's not like I haven't been walking around since then. I was at my niece's birthday party for crying out loud. I've run around on errands, to and from work... but no. My sasquatch tootsies decide to speak up when I'm trying to get healthy and walk some fat off my Cabbage Patch-like figure.

    Pardon me as I look down at my feet and flip them the bird.


    Now that THAT is done.

    (pause to think)

    Yeah, I think that's all for now. I mean, yeah... I really need to clean my room. Some stuff to donate. Some stuff to put into storage. Going to the gym makes it a little easier to get to sleep at night. Need to get an oil change soon. Want to volunteer at NERDHQ this year, but work will most likely screw me out of the time off like last year.

    Right now... I just want to take a nap.

    Later my lovelies.

    Have Goodness!

    Wednesday, January 22, 2014

    This Post Took Two Days

    "Now... where was I?"
    -Leonard Shelby from the movie "Memento"

    It is currently 2:30am as I write this. I should be asleep or trying to, but guess what? Yeah. Insomnia!!! Might as well be productive, eh?

    Before I forget or go any further, let's get on with the updates, shall we? And since it's been a while for my writing as a whole, let me update all y'all on where everything stands at present.

    So in no particular order... (drum roll, please)

    And on that note... I will finish this up tomorrow... perhaps on my lunch break.

    (Good Night)

    [time lapse]

    Here I am... almost 2am... and insomnia has made me its bitch... again.

    Let me get my bearings here and see where I left off.

    [looks previous info over]

    Ahhh, so as you can see from the little review above... I suck.

    I have mentioned before that the car accident back in February 2013 just knocked the crap out of me (and by "crap" I mean "any energy/desire/ability to write"... Can you sue someone for taking away your creative juju?), and the bump a few months later in June didn't help matters either.

    As you can tell from the dates I provided, I was able to maintain a few on a somewhat regular basis (like Kai, Kearie, Arwyn and Della), but then there were big lapses of time between posts for the others... some stemming from the accident and some showing evidence of either writer's block or just plain daftness.

    I want to play around with the Writers Wheels again. I had sadly misplaced the wheel tool that my brother had made me (it was in a writing basket below various other writing documents).

    I need to get my writing back on track. Complete a novel. Get something published. Submit to more writing contests. Win some writing contests. (Dear GAWDS this is annoying.) I JUST WANT TO WRITE!!! Why does life have to get in the way?

    I'm trying to make a change in my life. (Why did I start hearing "Man in the Mirror" by Michael Jackson in my head?) 2014 didn't start off as great as I would have liked, but I'm hoping it's the slow burner start to a blazingly awesome new year... and a better me.

    I have been monitoring what I eat and how much of it I eat (cuz gawd knows I can pack it away if I want to... I'm Southern (Redneck) and Filipino and raised on large portions of fried food and not too healthy options. Plus PMS doesn't help either.) The food monitoring has been for a few months now though I've been tracking it via an app since the beginning of December. (Odd thing was I had been looking for a food diary app that I had seen on vlog, but the one the girl had been using no longer exists. The one I'm using now - Lose It! - was one of several I had been eyeing. Then my mom mentioned my brother was using an app, and he told me it Lose It! So yeah. Small world.)

    This month I joined a gym. I'm trying to start slow and not overdo it so I wake up the next day like the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz. My left leg feels loads better since the accident but every once in a while something doesn't feel right so I try to take it easy.

    First day I went, I walked the treadmill for for 30min. Second time, I did an hour. Next time I went, I lasted about 30min before my feet were angry with me. (I was wearing different sneakers then, that was probably why).  I've gone back a couple times since then have last the hour on the treadmill again.

    I definitely need better workout gear. As it is I don't have anything that I can really wear to the gym - no shorts or whatever, so clothes would be something to look into. Also if I could find a magical pair of sneakers, that would be fantastic! I essentially have large, wide, flat feet. The only sneakers I have now that provide any support and comfort to my sasquatch tootsies are a pair of Skechers - they have a bit of an arch and cushion. About a third of the way through my tredmill trek, the arches near the outer part of my feet start to burn and hurt, and it is no bueno. The rest of my feet are essentially fine (save maybe the occasional twinge in my left ankles and perhaps my heels... but that's part of the flat feet thing). The time I lasted 30min with the wrong sneakers, my feet hated me and my left leg was started to grumble, too. I even think my knee popped.

    A doctor once told me that you should do at least 30min of cardio everyday - something to get your pulse up and makes you sweat. Right now I'm going maybe every other day or every two days, but I go the hour. I sweat and breathe heavy and my heart rate definitely goes up. I feel the soreness in my legs, so that's something. It's a good kind of pain. That whole "feel the burn" and all that.

    I remember going to a convention with friends and we took a train from a friend's house we were staying at, and we had to walk to the train station from the house. OMFG! My shins hated me. One of my friends saw me lagging on the way to the train and walked with me and mentioned shin splints. It wasn't too painful... just annoying as shit and made me feel even more like an unhealthy cow than I had before.

    The walking I do at the gym and the soreness I feel now... it's on the outer parts of my calves (whatever muscle that is), not directly the sides of my lower legs, but... well, I think you get the picture. This is a different kind of feeling. The shin pain was just... not good, and I wanted it to stop. The calves pain? I used to have really muscular legs in school since I walked and biked everywhere. Their still decent now, but I think the burning ache is my muscles remembering "Oh yeah... we used to be buffer than this."

    I'm hoping to go back soon. The gym isn't too far away from where I live, and is 24hr which fits my random availability, but life has gotten in the way again, and I won't be able to get back to the gym until maybe Friday or Saturday night.

    I went last Friday night and thought... other people are at clubs or on dates or doing more exciting/social things. Me? I'm walking a treadmill while watching the FOOD Network.

    Oh yeah, that's the funniest thing to me, So the machines have TV's so you can watch shows or listen to music while working out. When I go, it's usually really late so nothing's on except reruns and informmercials so the only thing that seemed interesting was FOOD Network. (LOVE Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives.) I just think it's funny that I'm watching yummy food stuffs while I'm exercising. Granted, I can look at food, think it's tasty but not eat it... but I still think it's funny.

    Work is... work. I've got a couple extra responsibilities that I don't mind having (makes me feel a little accomplished and dependable and proud - like they see me as a good worker) except my new schedule leaves me with a lot of days where I have to catch up on the stuff that I'm responsible for. Also some of my co-workers don't seem to like the way things are organized or run, but I'm just doing what I was told to do and how to do it. Don't kill the messenger! You want to be angry or complain to someone? Take it up with management.

    Home. -- Landlady is going to have surgery (hysterectomy) in less than a week. She'll be in the hospital for a couple days then recuperating for a few weeks at home. Her son has been staying with us for a few days due to in town work stuff but will be helping out with the caretaking of the older gentleman my landlady cares for, but since she will not be able to lift a lot for a while, her son will be the muscle. Also an additional caretaker will be around to help take care of the older gentleman as he is having certain health issues. Before her surgery, my landlady is trying to get some cleaning, renovating, etc done to prepare for her just laying in bed and chilling while her body mends.

    So yeah, this place is a madhouse... and will be even a bigger madhouse in the weeks to come.

    It's moments like these that I dream of my own place. Just me and my cat. No little dogs running amok barking at the air for being air. No older gentleman who has a quiet voice (I've heard it), but yells all the time. No visitors that sleep on the living room sofa preventing me from watching TV or just sitting in the front room just because. No more poorly organized fridge and pantry. My own kitchen. My own bathroom. My cat walking around the whole place. To have people over when I want. A place for my family to visit instead of just pick me up outside when they're visiting for the day. (To have my niece run around my living room... that'd be cool.) To bake! I miss baking. To write at a desk. To have a place to go to for peace and quiet that isn't my friend's house when they're out of town, and I'm watching their cats.

    Ideally I would rather have roommates, but that eventually doesn't work out for me in the long term. People move away or get other work or get into relationships... so someone ends up moving out. Also I don't like living with people I don't know. I don't mind meeting new people, but living together is a whole other ball of wax. No... getting my own place is the best option though right now (especially with the current job I have), I do not have enough fundage to get my own place. I need to build up my finances so I can get that dreamy little space for me and my kitty.

    So yeah... that's where I'm at right now in life. I wrote some stuff this month. I hope to finish out the month with writing other stuff done. I only have maybe 9-10 more story blogs to update in... 9 days. Sounds doable, right?

    And then there are my novels. I WILL FINISH ONE OF THEM THIS YEAR, DAMMIT!!!

    So... to sum up... I'm writing, trying to write, exercising, want my own place, and want to be financially stable. (There are other wishes and all that like love and happiness, but I would feel that's inferred and/or assumed.)

    And now I leave you to punch insomnia in the face and try to get some sleep before I have to get up and get ready for work in a few hours.

    Later my lovelies.

    Have Goodness!

    Friday, January 3, 2014

    Happy New Year!!!

    "I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

    Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.

    So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, what it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

    Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.

    Make your mistakes, next year and forever."
    -Neil Gaiman

    Hello lovelies!

    This is just me here writing you a quick little note to say hello and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

    I hope each and everyone of you lovelies out there had a wonderful Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year's (or whichever you particularly practice and celebrate) and celebrated each of them the way you wanted and had a fantastically fun time doing so.

    As for me?

    I plan on keeping up with my writing this year (fingers crossed) though I have some ideas on what to do about this blog, etc. But that'll come with time.

    My writing juju seems to have returned (praise jeebus) but end of year holidays and such made it difficult to keep up with everything. Now I'm hoping to fix that (as well as my energy levels so my body can keep up with what my brain wants to do).

    I didn't necessarily make any resolutions. I'm just making some goals for myself and hopefully (again, fingers crossed), I will see them all through to success.

    I'll try and write more later, but at the moment, it's almost 2am, and I need to be up early for work in a few hours so I'm going to try and get as much sleep as this insomniac can.

    Later my lovelies.

    Have Goodness!

    Thursday, December 5, 2013

    Are You There Lovelies? It's Me. Rae.

    The road to hell is paved with works-in-progress.
    -Phillip Roth

    It's been a while, hasn't it?

    Yeah, I know. There really is no excuse.

    I've been told: When in doubt, just write. Even if you have no idea what the hell you're doing or saying, just get it out. You can always edit later. 

    Ahhh editing. How I hate you.

    But what if there's nothing there? Nothing to write? Nothing to say? What if you sit there in front of a notepad with pen or at the laptop, hands hovering over the keys... and there's nothing? 

    And what's worse? What if you have no desire to write... at all?

    I think I've mentioned this before, but since my car accident back in February, my passion for writing left my body, heart and soul. Usually I'd be exhausted and though my mind would be racing with ideas, my body and frontal lobe were in agreement that it didn't have enough energy or consciousness to life that pen or to type out whatever it was that my children were telling me at the back of my mind. That always killed me, but I'd eventually get something out. But after the accident, after the adrenaline died down and the pain faded, I would just look at my notebooks or computers and think... meh. 

    Around this time, I barely even wanted to read. I just wanted to do anything but what I loved to do. Most of my time was spent going to the chiropractor, talking to lawyers, filling out paperwork, taking meds, icing and elevating my leg, public transporting myself to work which meant going to bed early and getting home late, shopping for a car (and finally getting a car)... and let's not forget work itself. Ugh. 

    I had writing spurts here and there. I'd update one of my story blogs here and there and try to stay current (which is always the goal), but I swear to gawd it was like pulling teeth.

    And then I decided to do something stupid: NaNoWriMo.

    So the last time I did NaNoWriMo was back in 2010. Back then I had a beginning, a middle, and an end. I even developed an outline of sorts, made character notes. I was all over that shit like white on rice.

    This year? Yeah, wasn't as "prepared" as I was before. November is already an off month for me due to Thanksgiving and my birthday, but last month was just full of fail. I knew I should have just skipped it, saved it up for next year. I had maybe three or four ideas that were still in the blurb phase - just an idea that would be the equivalent of the small blurb on the back of the book telling you what it was about only not so developed or detailed. But something in me wouldn't let go. I just HAD to do NaNoWriMo. 

    So... I did. 

    Midnight of the first day... BOOM! I wrote... something. Not to sound like a defeatist, but I knew right away I wasn't going to make my goal. 2010 I was very close to the end goal. This year? Oh HELL NO! I won't further embarrass myself with telling you my goal. I really should have just let it go. Or hell, picked a month that has nothing going on for me in it so I can devote all my time to writing. February is good. All that has in it is Valentine's Day, and I'm single for frak sakes. In any case, last month NaNoWriMo was a bad idea for me.

    So now I'm back here... trying to keep up with this blog as well as my other writing projects. Before my sad hiatus from the blog world, I did manage some little story blog updates. And they are as follows (in no particular order).
    Yeah. Those were back in October, but they still count. (I'm trying to turn a positive spin on everything.) And even though I didn't make the NaNoWriMo goal, I still wrote some. Toward the end, there were some moments where I had a groove going, and I think what I wrote was pretty good. So yeah... that's something.

    Last month while I was trying to work on NaNoWriMo, an idea has popped into my head that just wouldn't be ignored. Currently writing the crap out of that until it behaves and then I can go back to finishing one of my novels.

    I feel like I've fallen off track this past year. Could have started with the car accident, but I'm much more organized than I have been these days. My room goes through cycles of improving to holy crap. My energy levels have been utter crap lately. That is in part of the sleep I get.

    My insomnia is irritating as hell, but it's usually manageable. Lately I've been getting less and less quality sleep. The older gentleman that lives in the house I'm renting a room from is a bit on the loud side.

    He stomps around like an elephant wearing cement loafers. When he talks, he has volume control issues. When he's home, he sits on a chair next to his bed, door open, watching TV. (If you haven't guessed, his room is right next to mine.) In any case, he'll hear something interesting on the news and then have to go tell my landlady about it like a kid saying "Hey Mom! Guess what happened at school today?" But he calls out to her from his door as he's walking to find her. Usually when I'm home, I'm in my room cleaning or reading or writing or watching something on the laptop, but knowing what hours I keep, she's under the impression if I'm home, I'm sleeping, so I constantly hear her telling him to be quiet. He remembers for a second but then goes back to being loud. 

    When he's asleep with the door closed, I can still hear him snoring though the sound is muffled. This week he's been having health issues (leg pains from what my landlady has told me). So he's been sleeping with his door open these few days. And the hall light has been on. Now I've already established that the dude is a snore machine (what I call "chainsaw symphony"), and since the house has wood floors, sound carries. So imagine me in bed, door closed, lights out... with his door open SNORING AWAY! My landlady's room is on the other side of me. She keep her door closed, too, but she's got the master bedroom so her bathroom is the first space past the door and then her room. Meanwhile, I share a wall with Captain Snore Pants, and MY GAWD!!! He also talks in his sleep, and the bed he has now is very springy and squeaky. 

    Now the dude is lovely. He's sweet and caring, and I'm not usually home for very long. I work in the middle of the day, and then I try to run my errands as much as I can after work. Sometimes I have time to be social, so I'm not there all the time, but when a girl is trying to sleep, she can't do that when she's being serenaded by someone nose and throat.

    The other night I thought I could use the timer on my Songza app and let it play me out to sleep, but it's late, and I can't have the volume up else it wake people (or my landlady's dogs) up. Plus, I use my phone as an alarm, too, so I need to keep the volume up for that to wake me up in the morning. So right now, I'm just making due, but I fear one of these days, I'm going to snap at him since I'm not a pleasant creature when I first wake up in the morning, and he likes to say hello and try to chat with you even if you're walking away. Since he's been keeping me up the past couple nights, I'm afraid if this keeps up, I'm going to tell him to frak off or something, and I don't want to do that. I'm a good Jedi, dammit. No Sith allowed.

    Okay, I've babbled on long enough. I think I need to post this and be done with it.

    Just wanted to update everyone that I'm still here, and I'm EPIC FAIL when it comes to writing these days. But hopefully next week (or should I really start next month?) will be better?

    Later my lovelies.

    Have Goodness! 

    Wednesday, September 25, 2013

    One Day I'll Blog About Writing Again...

    A dying man needs to die, as a sleepy man needs to sleep, and there comes a time when it is wrong, as well as useless, to resist.
    -Stewart Alsop

    It's Wednesday... Hump Day... and I'm in a mood.

    Maybe cuz my sinuses are acting up. Maybe cuz I might be getting a cold. Maybe it has to do with my back pain seemingly getting worse or at least getting less localized than it has been. I dunno.

    I'm tired. I'm moody.

    We got a little pizza party today so huzzah to me and my department. It had to do with clearing out the returned email folder since it was at one point over 30k and we got it down to 500 or so. (Yay us!) We had pizza and sat in the conference chatting and whatnot. Our boss who usually heads up the meetings is in SF at the other office. So it was a pretty chill hour.

    Wish I had know we were going to have a pizza party so I wouldn't have ordered lunch. Sheesh.

    Been too tired to write. I hate this feeling. I really do. The ideas play themselves out in my head, but there are even times when working out stuff in my noggin, it's hard to concentrate and focus on scenes that I'm mentally working on.

    Dammit! I need some crack! That must be it!

    I'm here until 8pm tonight. Couple of my friends are gaming tonight and were wondering if I could take care of their kitties (mainly the one that needs her shot twice a day). Normally I'm like "no problem" but then today I was originally planning on stopping by another store to possibly get me a laptop. I know with how tired I've been lately, as soon as I get to their place, I'm just gonna sit on my ass and not move for gawd knows how long. I wouldn't be able to drop in, do what I gotta do and then go. So I would have to run my errand first then head to their place but they said they can give her the shot before they leave (they were only checking with me to see if I could do it - if not, they would).

    A part of me feels crappy about that. Like I let them down. Or they're mad at me. I dunno.

    I know it's perfectly fine to be selfish on occasion, but I think I take those moments less often than I should. There is stuff that I either HAVE to do (laundry, prepping for a trip, etc) or WANT to do (get myself a massage, take myself to a movie, etc) and then people ask me to hang out or do them a favor, and there are times when I've put my stuff on hold to help them out which I don't mind doing... but then stuff starts getting backed up, and...


    Maybe I just need more energy. Maybe I should just take power naps. Maybe I should just get an IV-drip filled with crack coffee.

    Right now, I have an ice pack shoved down the back of my pants resting along the left side of my mid-lower back in hopes of numbing myself into some form of happiness.

    Today the men (or man?) started tearing up the kitchen floor to do whatever they need to do so the kitchen and laundry room are off limits for at least a day. Suits me just fine. I'm not really there anyway. I do my laundry at least once a week.

    Aw crap. Laundry.

    I'm debating on next time I need to do laundry, taking my stuff to the laundromat so I can do three loads at once. Sharing the washer/dryer is okay, but the dryer usually takes two tumbles to completely dry when I consolidate my laundry for the week in one load. And lately colors that didn't bleed before are starting to now. I need to be able to do a small load of whites... which means now I need bleach...

    Oh damn. And my windshield. It's not major so much as annoying.


    Too... much... crap. Not enough energy to blink.


    Okay, the rest of my lunch break is gonna be spent walking around to stretch out my aches and pains. Hopefully it'll help.

    Thank GAWD I get to see the chiropractor tomorrow.

    Later my lovelies.

    Have Goodness!

    Monday, September 23, 2013

    I Want to Write! REALLY! I Do!

    So Monday. We meet again.

    We will never be friends - but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.
    -Julio-Alexei Genao

    Happy Monday ladies and jellyspoons!

    My mid-left back hurts and my lower back is not too far behind with its gripes. Damn. My body SO needs a timeout from all this pain shit!

    What has happened in my life since last I blogged on Friday?

    Well two of my friends (Kevin Z & Diana M) got married on Saturday. It was a lovely wedding. There was rain that I wanted to play in SO BAD, but I had to remain girly for the wedding so nope... no dice. The ceremony was beautiful, the entire wedding party looked stunning, and I had a lovely time. I ended up not having to "behave" since someone that was supposed to sit the same table as me didn't... but really, I think that was all for the best. Didn't dance much if at all. Ate a lot of cookies. Had a lot of beverages. Mingled a lot. Laughed a lot. Didn't get a shot at the picture booth. (There was always a line.) A lot of people told me I looked good which I thought was weird but nice. A number of people didn't even recognize me. (I'm guessing it was because I straightened my hair, wore some makeup... oh yeah, and I was wearing a dress.)

    I swear, you do one thing out of the norm and BAM! it becomes a thing.

    I was also told by some new acquaintances who were fabulous tablemates that it was lovely meeting me, and that I was very entertaining. (Is that another way of saying "interesting"? Cuz we all know what that means.) The common theme that evening was that I was better than cable so... I guess that's a good thing?

    Sunday I got up early and trekked all the way to Sacramento for Greg L's birthday. We spent the entire day (board)gaming which was nice. I think every game I played was something I hadn't played before. I won nothing, but I don't ever set out to. I only play on to have a good time, and I did. The subway game "Underground" made me think of "Ticket to Ride". The "flea" card game was cute, and I really enjoyed the German card game "6-something or other...". (My German is a little rusty.) I got to see Kevan F and Janise B and meet some new people. At the end of the night, there were four of us left, and we went out for dinner. Yummy place called "Ma Jong's". Curry noodle are yummy! Just sayin'!

    Made it home at a rather quick time than I thought so yay me! I always enjoy going through Benicia at night since it looks spooky and dark. I refer that stretch of freeway near the tollbooth "Gotham". (If you've been through there, trust me. You would totally expect to see our caped crusader batarang'ing his way across towers, etc.)

    And now... I'm here.

    It's lunch time. I have leftover curry noodles, a potsticker and a piece of orange chicken as my lunch/dinner. I also have a big bottle of Powerade and an orange "ACTIVE" can of AMP. I bought a number of them for the Sacramento excursion since they were on sale, and I wanted to make sure that I was awake for my trip. (I had finished the audiobook of Mary Poppins - SOOOOO not the Disney movie, by the way - and have now gone on to my second to last audio book from the library "Heart Shaped Box" by Joe Hill which is read by Stephen Lang who I think is quite handsome and has a nice voice to listen to... even though he's essentially telling me a ghost/horror story.) In any case, as sweet as he is to listen to, I needed some backup to keep me awake for the drive. I was fine for the most part. My McD's breakfast (sausage mcmuffin with egg, no cheese & a sausage biscuit) even lasted me until practically there.

    So yeah. No real writing (as in typing or pen though lots in my mind) has happened. I've been thinking a lot about it though. Just been so tired. I have all sorts of scenes with dudes in my head (and NO, not THOSE kind). There's my spy one where the main characters is talking with her husband. There's another of two old school friends at a wedding. There's a confession scene between best friends. There's also a couple other scenes, but aside from work, my mind just generally gets lazy with creative stuff. (Maybe that's why I lost all the games I played yesterday.) LOL!

    Oh well, I will try my hardest to do some writing this week. I promise.

    Later my lovelies.

    Have Goodness!

    Friday, September 20, 2013

    Weddings & Road Trips

    So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it. Thank you.
    -Willy Wonka from the movie "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" 

    Currently at the office sitting at the slowest computer known to man. It's slower than a snail running through molasses.

    Sooooooooooooooooo slooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowww...


    I got in at 10am, and since it's Friday, it's a little more lax than the rest of the week though it still has its busy moments. I'm currently on lunch snacking on a salad I got from Hobee's (minus the walnuts) and thinking about my weekend coming up.

    I had asked for Saturday off since my friends are getting married. I have a dress and shoes and spanx for the occasion. Tonight I'm going to the Dry Bar after work to get my hair straightened (though Kathy W mentioned that the weather has been overcast lately so I'm not sure if my hair will survive -- here's hoping). Last night on impulse, I got a mani/pedi. The OPI color I used was called "Every Month Is Oktoberfest" which is not only a cool name but a cool color. I got in on my toes and fingers. I even did the oh-so-stylish "different color on the ring finger" thing just to see if I liked it. The dude put silver/sparkles on it. Looks nice. (I had meant to do a load of laundry when I got home, but I was so damn tired, I pushed it to today after my hair appointment.)

    So Saturday is the wedding, and Sunday...

    I will be trekking to Sacramento for the day. Why? Cuz I have a car, and I love my friends, and it's Greg L's birthday. (I don't see Greg L and Kevan F as often as I should. And Janise B will be there, too.) I had asked for Saturday off for the wedding but for some reason I got both days off. When I got last Saturday off for the bacherlorette party, I had to work the next day so I thought this would be the same thing. Since it's not, and Kevan said, "HEY!"... I'm going.

    Other than that... yeah. Nothing too exciting happening in my life. Most of my time has been booked up with prepping for other peoples' stuff. LOL! Ain't that grand?

    Need to remember to call the chiro on Monday and make an appointment. Back's feeling a little wonky. The two hour meeting yesterday might have something to do with it. I tried stretching and cracking my back, etc, during the meeting but it didn't help much. Then we broke for a couple minutes after which our boss wanted to play a game. During the break I got up and stretched a bit. Then for the game he broke us up into two groups making me move to the other side of the room. I took my chair and spun it around so I could lean forward against the back of the chair. Someone joked about how I was a cool kid for sitting that way, and I said, "Do I have to keep reminding everyone I was hit by a car? This way is more comfortable and helps me stretch out my back." I kid, but there are people that forget about the big car accident I was in back in February and ask questions like "Why does your leg hurt?" or "What's wrong with your back?" or "Why are you limping?"

    *headdesk and facepalm*

    I feel a little accomplished today. I did my assigned emails, my assigned restaurant checks, handled customer/restaurant calls, and was working on a menu revision when I had to go to lunch. Almost done with the menu revisions, I finished the price changes for the main part of the menu and then will be working on the catering stuff when I clock back in.

    Also been drinking A LOT of water... been keeping up on the hydration train... which makes a lot of stops in piss city. Yeah I get it. Drinking water is good for you, but it makes me feel like I've got the smallest bladder in the world since I keep having to get up and piss Niagra Falls every five minutes (or at least that's what it feels like). I suppose the getting up and walking to and from the ladies room can be considered exercise... even as minor as it is. It helps to get out of this chair every once in a while, stretch out my back and legs.

    Unfortunately not a lot of writing news. (Yeah, I suck. Stop looking at me like that.) I was looking over my list of story blogs and kept thinking Maybe I'll wait until October and start afresh. It is rather late in the month - it's more than half over - and I have fourteen blogs to update on a monthly basis (yeah, that was the original plan) as well as update this lovely little creature three times a week. But this blog seems to have become more life stuff versus "I'm writing so much amazingly fabulous crap it's ridiculous" stuff.

    I was working on some Kai stuff yesterday so that's at least something, right?

    I just get stuck in these moments of "What now?" I enjoy what I wrote so far, and I like it, but what the hell? These are continuing series. In my head they play out like television series I watch and enjoy, the fangirl thinking even though they may end in reality, they stay alive in my mind.

    And now what?

    I hate being stuck.

    I'm stuck on my two novels. I have over 100 pages on each of them (maybe 75% - 85% done, minus the editing polish), but I have blank spots. I've tried following the rule of "just keep writing" since I've been known to dwell on something as small as a name for a character thinking "I can't continue on without a name. What the frak am I going to call her?" sort of thing. I make notes in between scenes that I've written so I know WHAT to write, but how to write it... the words are just missing! I hate it when that happens. With my story blogs, there was this stream of "this sounds like a good idea" mixed in with a little "I'll do this" and a little "And now I'll do that"... and then it just all goes POOF! - and I don't like it.


    In any case, I think I've babbled on long enough. As it is, I started munching on my Hobee's salad since noon. Been pacing myself in regards to Wednesday when I talked about taking time with your food. Now I didn't mean for it to last THIS long, and eating a salad all day isn't such a bad thing. I feel so much thinner!

    *looks down*

    Frak you reality. You win again.

    Later my lovelies.

    Have Goodness!