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Monday, December 31, 2012

Countdown to 2013!!!

The only way to spend New Year's Eve is either quietly at home with friends or in a brothel.
-W.H. Auden

At home typing on the minibook. I have New Year's Eve off from work so I'm not sitting in a big girl chair at a big girl computer. Instead I'm sitting in my room, in bed, typing on tiny keys thinking I REALLY need a manicure.

But first... updates!
I was hoping to have more written before now, but Saturday was filled with naps and birthday celebrations, and Sunday night at work was just... ugh.

Every time I thought I was caught up, a whole new screen of madness would refresh and boom! - I'd be in need of a beer... or fifty.

But I am hopeful and positive in thinking that if I DID have time to write, I would have written something.

The last thing I was working on was Penelope, but alas... work got in the way.

I was also thinking about writing a rant on another site, but again - no time.

I've also been mentally retooling the LEVERAGE fanfiction idea I have which I think is funny since it'll never see the light of day.

Speaking of LEVERAGE, I keep seeing things that remind me of TNT which makes me grumbly all over again since they didn't renew the awesome show for another season. (Bastards.)

First was a song on the way to work the other day - TNT by AC/DC. hen when taking a walk around the building to stretch my legs and back, I saw a truck (I think it was a delivery truck of some kind) whose business name I can't quite recall, but the logo emphasized the first letters of each of the business's name which was... TNT.

I know I should really let it go, but it bums me out. I need all the seasons on DVD and do some sort of marathon to make me happy. Can't really do one anyway since I don't have a TV or DVD player in my room, and my landlady's husband hogs the TV in the living room watching sport all day long... and the minibook doesn't have a CD/DVD player much less the power to play them... so I'm back to square one.

I'm trying to write this post now since it's officially New Year's Eve and since I work the opening shift New Year's Day, the tentative plan is to sleep most of the day away with earplugs and no alarms of any kind. As far as plans go, mine will have to be local due to having to work early the next day. Nothing definite has been decided yet so I'm just going to fly by the seat of my pants and see what happens. I suppose I have a few options, but one of these years I'll go back to having a giant social NYE.

As far as January 1st, 2013 is concerned, I get out of work at 4pm so I'm thinking of treating myself to "Les Miz". I have three movie passes burning a hole in my wallet from work, and one guy said that some theatres will use them for discount for newer movies. So we'll see. There's also "Rise of the Guardians", "Silver Linings Playbook" and "Flight". Heard good things about "Jack Reacher", and it is based off a novel of an author that I have been meaning to read. (Lee Child's on the list.) I also think "Argo" is playing in some theatres. Wanted to see that.

Eh, we'll see.

Hell, maybe I'll just go see The Hobbit again. (Gollum FTW!!!)

They're selling Gollum plushies as Barnes and Noble. Okay, so technically they only had Gandalf and Bilbo, but the tag shows they make a Gollum AND I WANT ONE!!! (As well as the cute bobble heady one.) Just wish the plushie one was bigger so I can cuddle it better in bed while I slumber off into sleepy sleep land.

YES! I love Gollum. He's my fave character from the movies. Andy Serkis is awesome and plays the character(s) brilliantly. And just because I think Gollum is adorable does not mean I'm broken so SHOOSH!!!

Okay, I think it's time to sign off on this tiny little darling of a post and catch y'all later in the new year (and on Wednesday... since that's the next day I should be blogging, and I think I work that day.) Maybe I'll have some new writing stuff. Who knows?

I wish all y'all an awesometastic new year's eve. Be safe, have lots of fun, and remember... it didn't happen if there aren't any pictures or videos of it. *grin*

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

Friday, December 28, 2012

Hoping the Writer-Mojo Continues

To be a good writer you need to be the work and dedicate yourself.
-Christos Tsiolkas

Here I am. It's me again. Back for a Friday installment of... well... ME! *awesome pose*

And I am proud to report that I have written stuff! *proud accomplished happy dancing*

Now, now... it isn't much, but at least it's something, and I'm happy I got some writing done. So, without further ado, here is an actual DECEMBER UPDATE!!!

Awww yeah! Look at that. FIVE updates. I'm high-fiving myself for my little accomplishment.

In other news, I'm back at work. Closing again... like I did last night. Woo hoo! The new schedule came out last night, and I am closing A LOT!!! My lead (Kassandra R) who does the schedule had mentioned that since people are starting school, the schedule will pretty much be like it is now until (I'm assuming) the end of the semester. She apologized for having me close so much, but she tried making it up with a few shifts that got me out an hour or so earlier than closing... which is fine, but I'm still closing every Thursday which means I am never going to make another Dusty's World again. (cry-sob-whimper)

Well, I'm working, right?

Oh, so the other night when I was working, I went back to dispatch to update them on something I thought was too long to talk about via instant messenger, and the lady that works back there (Leddy M) grabbed her keys and told me to come with her. I followed her out to her car where she opened the back and handed me a present. It was after Christmas, but she said, "It's just a little something." We walked back in, and when I sat back down at my desk, I opened the present.

It was a giant clip. 

Now I don't have a picture to share with you since I didn't take one to add to this post (though I should have), but I'm going to try my best to describe it to you.

So when I got the present, the shape of it looked a little triangular - like a piece of cake cut from the round and then laid flat on its side. (I think that's a good image.) The clip is about the size of a door sign you'd hang on the knob like "Do Not Disturb" or something like that... so the sides are flat separated by a coil spring (like a hair clip) so when you pinch the ends, the "mouth" opens for you to clamp it on to something. (With me so far?) The top flat piece has the hole in it (which made me think of the door sign reference) - the other flat piece is solid. The insides of the "mouth" part have rectangular bits of foam on the inside as if to buffer or protect whatever the clip will be clamped on to.

And did I mention it's green? Yeah. Quite green. Not like radioactive green, but not hunter green either. Let's go with... Green Arrow/Green Lantern green? Yeah. I like that. We'll go with that.

A coworker (Monica D) was wondering what the frak I was giggling about, and I showed her what I got. She knew who it was from. She said she got make-up, which I thought was appropriate since she knows a lot about make-up and all that, but I kept looking at the clip thinking What the hell am I going to do with this?

I asked a friend (Aaron C) that passed by my desk what he thought it was and what I should use it for. He came up with a few different suggestions, but one that stuck out that I thought was rather clever was a cup holder. The idea was that I'd attach the clip to a flat service (like the desk) and use it to hold my cup. Now at the time I was drinking some TheraFlu in a styrofoam cup which fit perfectly in the whole of the clip, but I didn't think it was very sturdy. Still, even as odd of a gift it may have been, I was determined to find a good purpose for it.

Periodically I walked back to dispatch and of course I'd make chit-chat with the guys back there, and I had mentioned that I had no idea what to do with the clip. 

LM: Clip all your love letters together.
Me: Woman, do I look like I got any love letters? Please. You'd need a man for that.
LM: Write down all the nice things your friends say that make you smile.
Me: That sounds sweet... though a far cry from the love letters thing.
LM: Keep all the things that make you happy in it.
Me: I suppose I could do that.
LM: I like that idea. You could call it your Kudos Klip.

So yeah, I'm thinking of doing that, but then again, I just saw this thing on Facebook about a "kindness jar" which is essentially the same thing.

Description of the "Kindness Jar":

This January, why not start the year off with an empty jar and fill it with notes about good things that happen. Then on New Year's Eve, empty it and see what awesome stuff happened that year.

Keep a kindness jar.

This is a beautiful way of tracking the goodness that happens throughout the year. Open it UP at the beginning of the New Year and reflect on some happy times in your life! I will tell you that I've done this for years and years - sometimes, I don't even wait until January... sometimes when I'm having 'one of those kind of days', I'll reach into the jar and read one of the slips of paper. Smiles...

Now I just need to find a jar.

But do you think the clip and jar ideas are the same thing? I want to do the jar thing (need to find an appropriate sized jar), but if it's too similar to the clip thing, what else can I use the clip for?

Got another coffee today while getting gas at the Safeway station. 24oz of my own concoction of half high voltage coffee, half peppermint hot chocolate... as well as cream and sugar. Yesterday it seemed to help, but I could be deluding myself. Oh well, we'll see.

Also found a dollar on the ground between my car and the pumps. Normally I ask the people around me, "Did you drop this?"... but there was no one around. I was having issues with the pump so I kept having to go back to the cashier for assistance, and every time I came back to my car, there was the dollar. So when I finally left, I picked it up and drove off. I shoved it in my ashtray for safekeeping. Maybe it's a sign. Maybe it'll bring me luck. Who knows? At this point, I'm open to anything. I'm just looking for better... WAY better.

*baby steps, gurrrl... baby steps*

So now I'm going to try and get my mojo working enough to do some more updates.

Wish me luck.

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae



Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Would Rather Be Napping...

You wanna meet a girl I used to know,
Let's take a drive
-from the song "Let's Take A Drive" by Christian Kane

Back at work and tired as frak.

Got home last night from work and then the impromptu movie outing (Django Unchained was AWESOME!!!). After cleaning up the massacre my cat made of the extra litter pan I left her while I was away (it wasn't disgusting or anything, just a little messy), I changed into my jammies and watched the season/series finale of LEVERAGE.

So many tears.

Such a good show.

Another boot to the head for TNT.

Eventually I went to bed but sleep was wonky. Various things would wake me up during the course between when my head hit the pillow and when my alarm went off.

  • My cat would leap off the bed to get some kibble and then cry out to me as if she had no idea where I was.
  • The older gentleman that lives with us that my landlady takes care of got up to go to the bathroom a couple of times, and he walks about like an uncoordinated elephant where cement platform shoes.
  • My landlady's dogs that sleep in her room (which is next to mine) with her occasionally would growl and scuttle about.
  • Everyone in the house snores like their own individual distorted symphony of chainsaws.
  • I received a few spam phone calls/texts the few hours before my alarm was to go off.
The only thing that made me happy and helped me sleep - with whatever sleep I did get - was the rain.

I think I hit the snooze alarm once. Okay, twice actually... though I got up after I did it the second time and headed for the shower. Didn't see any of my housemates as I was leaving save the older gentleman who was in his room watching TV. 

And now here we are... me at work snacking on some BBQ kettle chips thinking about writing as well as debating if I want to hit the cheapy theatre on the way home. My movie choices would either be Flight or The Perks of Being A Wallflower. (If I go, I think I'm leaning toward Flight.)

Been thinking about my life lately. Reading all the positive affirmations about chasing your dreams and doing what you love, and I feel a little stuck and a little out of it. I'm good at being supportive of the people that I love because I believe in them and know that they rock, but with me? I don't know. I used to have some idea of what to do. But now? I just feel like I'm sinking and the apathy monster is eating my soul.

Wow, that sounded a little dark, but I think you get the drift.

Watching the success of my loved ones is kind of a double-edged sword in that I'm happy for them, but I also want to be happy for me. That little voice that whimpers "What about me? When's it going to be my turn?"

An egotistical part of my being knows that I'm destined for greatness, but when will that happen? My life feels like whenever it takes a step forward, I end up taking several immediately back. I had a great job but then it closed, and I was milling about in occupational limbo for years. (And let's not get into the men because that's a whole different kind of depressing.) It seems when something good happens to me, it doesn't take long for the other shoe to drop and for things to go south. For once I'd like to ride the high off of something for longer than it takes to sneeze or snap your fingers.

Now I'm throwing a pity party or looking to be coddled. I would just like to feel that whatever work I do put forth is just not going out into the ether and being sucked up by some Galactus-type monster that goes around eating people's hopes and dreams.

I have ideas... plans... still forming for the new year. Yeah, I know, resolutions are usually broken, but I'm going to try and be better. So I'm not really making a resolution or two... more like a game plan. I had some dreams growing up that weren't really nurtured or encouraged. They were just more of the "When I grow up.." variety without follow through. I made one goal for myself - to be "published" by 35 - and that didn't turn out so hot. 

Yes, I have reviews on TVFanatic and MoronLife, but those are reviews, but I'm talking about my fiction.

No. I will not whine. (I felt the beginnings of a whine there. Babbling I'm all right with, but no whining.)

But yeah. I'm planning things. And hopefully things will work out, and then things will get better.

*fingers crossed*

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Home From the Holidays


Tara: What we imagine is always so much better than the reality.
Eliot: Like love?
-from the series LEVERAGE, The Zanzibar Marketplace Job (Season 2, Episode 12)

Dear TNT: 

WTFRAK?!?!?! 

Why must you upset ME by not renewing (I refuse to use the "c" word) LEVERAGE? I mean seriously! The show is awesome! What were you thinking? And having the last episode on Christmas? That's just so... wrong.

Change your FRAKKIN mind, dammit!

Sincerely,
A nerdy fan

Now that I've got THAT out of my system... okay, maybe not.

YES, I'm still bummed/pissed about the whole thing, and I'll probably feel that way for a while cuz it's a good frakkin show, and I can't understand why TNT wouldn't renew it.

(grumble grumble - breaks random object - grumble grumble - stab random innocent bystander - grumble...)

And what is up with the five season mark? FIVE SEASONS!!! First CHUCK and EUREKA... now LEVERAGE?

Merry frakkin Christmas!

So here I sit at a computer... at work... wishing I was able to watch the series finale of LEVERAGE, but no... I'm at work. To make the time go by, I'm currently listening to Nerdist Podcasts (currently listening to the one with Wil Wheaton) while I nosh on leftovers my mother sent me home with (sweet and sour chicken and steamed white rice).

Yes... I drove straight from home to work. And why? Because I can.

I had a lovely holiday. Closed Saturday night, drove straight to Fresno from work, and had a lovely time. I hung out with my family, kicked my mother's ass at Scrabble by almost 100 points, spent some sweet time with my niece, and snuck in some cigar/beer time with my brother. Today we had an early Christmas so I could hand out presents and leave in time to get to work by 5pm. 

I have to say that my favorite present were a picture my mom and brother were behind. Seriously... I cried. It was a photoshop kind of thing that had to do with me and my niece in the pic... my brother said he's going to touch it up a bit since he's a bit of a perfectionist and then give me another copy, but really... I just loved it, and after I saw it, I had to hug my niece and give her tons of kisses.

Even now talking about it... I'm getting a little misty.

The other awesome gift was a little mouse on a clover sculpture that my niece wanted to give me really badly. As my sister-in-law put it, my niece saw this cute little statue and just knew I would love it and wanted to get it for me. It is so cute, and of course I love it... and getting it from her makes it that much more special.

Yeah, I'm gushing. I know. But I'm a proud Auntie, and I love her very much.

And now I'm at work and nothing much happened, but I found that it was difficult to listen to the podcast and write at the same time so I had to pause it in order to eventually finish this post and head on out. (I'm meeting friends Lon L and David T to see Django Unchained.

I suppose I should talk about writing of some sort. As it is this post is a day late, but then again... I have no internet access at my mom's place. If I did, I might have snuck in an update yesterday, but I didn't. And to write a post on my iPhone would have been a pain in the ass so I thought I'd save it for today... Christmas.

Tried writing a little at my mother's before bed, but these short little spurts of off-time I have from work leave me with little time to myself when visiting family. I'm usually chillin' with them... maybe fitting in some Seester-time with Margrit C. But yeah, I had a print out of my SANYA story to make notes on (like I did with KAI's story). Also had my notebook as well as my library copy of "Bullet" by Laurell K. Hamilton. (Dude, I am SO behind on my favorite author reading. Sheesh!) In any case, I read a little, and wrote even less. I jotted down some of my LEVERAGE fanfic on a Google doc, but dammit. It's all up in my noggin, and I keep seeing it being played out like the show... which is no longer a show... which... dammit...

Novels would be nice. Yeah. Lots of series have a novel following. Yeah. That might make me feel better... a bit. But then again, I always thought that would be awesome.

BUT I WANT MY SHOW BACK!!! *sob - sigh - grumble*

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

Friday, December 21, 2012

Running On Fumes...

Wow, I feel sore. I mean physically, not like a guy who's angry in a movie in the 1950's.

-Harry from the movie "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang"
 
So it's Friday, I'm at work, I'm bloated, and I'm tired as frak.

I'm currently at the office. I'm covering the first half of a fellow co-worker's shift (she had a funeral to tend to earlier in the day). She should be here in (looks at clock) three and a half hours.

Right now I'm drinking hot chocolate (just add water to a packet that says it contains milk - I find that humorous). I also added a shot of chia seeds since my tummy has been acting a little funny lately. I'm pretty sure it's due to "powerloss" officially started yesterday.

Ugh. My body is my enemy. I feel like crap at the moment, and I really wish there was something I could do about it. As I've gotten older, the effects of "powerloss" have changed... invited new friends to the party... the party to wreak havoc on my body! Occasionally I think of that song "My neck... my back..." but not in the way the song means.

Still no writing coming out of me. Lots of ideas still floating around in my head... mainly my LEVERAGE fanfic. Maybe it's because the season finale is coming up Christmas night... and we STILL don't know if they're going to be renewed for a season six... maybe not until January. (DAMMIT!!!)

So yeah, maybe that's why I have the fanfic in my head.

Usually I write stuff out that is preoccupying my mind, but I've been too tired lately. I dunno.

And yes, I know that these blogs are technically "writing"... but it's not the same thing to me. This is just me shooting the shit, saying what's on my mind, etc. The stories are different... they come from a different place. I don't know.

Right now I'm just trying to get through the day. I keep looking at the clock, and it's driving me nuts since it feels like time is running slower since I have a shorter shift. SUCK!

Leaving for the family time after work tomorrow night. Still have a couple things to take care of beforehand. Can't wait to see my niece. She's my new best friend. Love her to pieces. Just cuddling with her while watching a movie or cartoons makes me happy. Plus when my brother picks on me, she beats him up in my defense. Love that!

Tonight is a little get together at a friends house. Then I have to pack and clean my room a little. Take care of the cat. Sleep. Not go crazy.

Okay, now I'm just babbling. Sorry.

I think "powerloss" mixed with this weird pseudo-cold and the lack of sleep and the tiny bit of stress from planning my trip is making me loopy.

In any case, I hope all y'all have a lovely weekend, and I'll hopefully see you Monday.

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Feeling A Little Lost...

I just want to be perfect.
-Nina Sayers from the movie "Black Swan"

This morning while getting ready for work, I heard my landlady's husband talking to the dogs... and it made me think of a joke I'd heard a long time ago on TV by a male comic. It was about baseball coaches slapping their players on the ass in a "good game" kind of way. Just a quick slap, lasting barely a second. The joke was if the coach were to slap a player's ass and then leave his hand there - longer than necessary.

My landlady's husband most of the time talks to the dogs in baby speak.  A little is fine. A lot? Prepare for me to projectile vomit onto your face.

Sound travels well in my house - mostly due to almost all hardwood floors leaving nothing to buffer random noises. From my room (where I chill and hide out most times when I'm home), I can hear every baby talk, snore, dog yap, argument, phone, sneeze, etc... and it can get annoying.

Lately my insomnia has been winning the battle over my sanity (which usually gets bulled about my craziness). I've just been having the worst luck lately falling asleep at a decent hour and then when I do happen to conk out into the blackness, I never seem to get restful, uninterrupted for longer than a few hours.

This morning I got a text message from a friend which woke me up an hour before my alarm was to go off... which was fine... but then the dogs started to bark at NOTHING AT ALL so I just laid quietly in bed silently plotting the demise of no one in particular since that's what lunatics do. Perhaps one of these days, I'll just pick someone randomly out of the phone book and bludgeon them with a rock that I've painted with the phrase For the love of GAWD! Why won't you let me SLEEP!?!?!?

SHUT THE FRAK UP!!!

The text was from Jim G following up on kitty-sitters for the time he and his wife Leah G will be out of town for the holidays. I work all week and my plan is to leave work Saturday (a closing shift) and head straight to Fresno where I'll have the next couple days off until Christmas Day where (yes, you see where this is going) I work at 5pm... which means I'll have to leave no later than 1pm (to give me enough time for traffic, etc) to get to work on time. I work the following day as well but it's one of those midday types where I start late in the morning and head home late in the evening (though I don't close that night so yay me). Jim G and Leah G had sent a message to me and Scheherazade K to see if either of us would be able to take care of the kitties (one of their four kitties needs an insulin shot twice a day). I laid out my schedule to say I could do the evenings of Christmas and the day after. The text I got this morning was to confirm that I could do Christmas night after work and the morning after (since they'd be home that night).

In reality, I could do it, but due to the lack of (quality) sleep I've been getting lately... plus the driving several hours back to town only to head straight to work... and then close... and then head to their place to take care of the cats... I selfishly just want to sleep in (or try to) until I have to work the next day. And then thinking about it, I want to be of a sound mind when I go there because feeding is one thing. Filling a syringe with medicine from a phial and then shooting it into the correct cat? Sure... the kitty in question is black, an obvious contrast to the others, but still... I have these odd jokey thoughts that I'll stab a pillow and leave the house thinking I'd taken care of everything.

I just think it'd be better if someone a little more awake and clear-headed would be a better choice. I told him it would be better to see if Scheherazade K could do the morning after Christmas, but as it was, she was doing the other days I couldn't and yet to confirm with them that she was a definite "yes". I said I'd do it if she couldn't, but I'm really hoping she can. When originally asked via Facebook message thread, she said she had to check with her boyfriend. Not sure what plans they have, but if they are staying in town, I think it'd be easier if she did it, but then again I don't know her man too well or his familial ties so perhaps they are going out of town.

In any case, I'll ping Jim G before the week is up to see what the dealio is. I just want to make sure the kitties are taken care of.

(looks over what I've just written and wonders how it relates to writing)

Ah! (epiphany)

It relates since I've had a lot on my plate to plan for as well as budget and plan... and that doesn't include the little holiday get-togethers.

Ohhh, last Saturday I opened at work... which means I have to be at work at 7am... which means I have to get up at 5am to get ready - mostly for my hair as well as maneuver around housemates. I hadn't slept well/much the night before and was trying to will my energry drink and coffee to wake my ass up, but I almost nodded off at the desk since so early in the morning NOTHING was happening... which is usually fine, but I needed to keep my mind working to keep me awake. I tried writing, but I was so damn exhausted, I just stared at my story blogs and the blinking cursor daring me to do something but knowing very well I was a zombie.

At 2pm, I headed to my friend Alithea's family's house for Tamale Day. I stopped in to say hello and see the new house. Kathy W and Steve C were there, but they eventually left to try and get some holiday stuff done before Kathy W flew out (this morning) to Ohio (I think). I almost passed out at the house and hot cocoa night wasn't until 7pm so I thought about taking a nap, but I knew if I did, I'd be out for the rest of the day. I left Tamale Day (with some tamales thanks to Terrie S, Alithea S's mom), and headed to Jess F's and Dawn S's place. When more people started to arrive, I woke up a little but when they left, I needed to head home and go to bed.

TIRED!

I skipped out on going to Ron O's hockey game since I was trying to take full advantage of my only day off until I leave for Fresno. I was off Thursday, but one of my co-workers had an emergency so I'm taking the first half of her shift to help out. In turn, she's taking the closing half of one of my shifts the following week. Not a bad trade, and I'm always willing to be helpful when I can.

The day off was spent failing at several places in search of presents for my family (since they were the only ones I could afford to shop for due to budget constraints). I went to three stores and even ventured to the mall where there was a bomb scare just a day or so before. I walked about looking for shops that carried what I was looking for and nope... nothing. I ended up buying ONE thing after spending the entire day driving about so at least it wasn't a total loss.

The next three days I worked until 8pm. On the way home, I stopped off at a couple places and acquired a few more items. Yesterday was spent looking for one particular item and finding that the store I wanted to go to either closed or moved locations since the building was completely empty. Too tired to function any more, I grabbed some grub and headed home. Today after work I got the last few items though I'm thinking of looking for one last thing... maybe.

And then of course there's wrapping.

And then packing.

And sleeping?

I have ideas milling about in my head, but nothing has really seeped through my fingertips, onto the keyboard, and onto the electronic page as proof of my mental milling

Instead of being creative, I have found that I've been sensitive and moody at times when I'm usually not and bummed more often than I'd care to be. Sometimes I'm plagued with moments of "Why do I - or should I - even bother?" or "I'm never going to finish this" and other oh so literary wrist slashing talk to the point of hanging up my wordsmithery and storytelling cap up for good.

And the sensitive crap. I occasionally feel like I'm getting picked on... A LOT! My friends and I jib-jab each other every once in a while. It's one of many ways we show we care, and we know we mean it in jest, but lately it's like I feel I'm being pinpointed specifically or the joking is more mean than joke. It's not though my current mood is trying to convince me otherwise.

I also seem to not be taking well the good things happening to people I know. I am truly happy for them, but there's that small part of me that feels like a failure... even if it's something I'm not into or know nothing about.

I have been paid various compliments lately that I drop in the "good things" bucket. I've been told that I'm fun and funny and have surprised people in saying I just babble on saying whatever comes mind and not purposely TRY and be funny. (I do like making my loved ones laugh and smile... well, even people in general. It warms me.) I've been told I'm helpful, that I'm detailed, that I take charge when needed. I've been told that I'm talented. I've shocked and amazed people (which shocks and amazes me) and been told that I'm talented and clever. I'm also told that I'm loved and appreciated and that I'm awesome and I rock.

So why the mood?

I blame the lack of sleep. That's got to be it.

I mean... what else could it be?

Whatever it is, I want it to go away so I can go back to that vague grey between the two emotional poles where I usually dwell - still feeling bummed with sprinkles of happiness - still dreaming of being the popular girl but settling to be just a girl that has some popular aspects about her.

Some would call that mediocrity. Some would be right.

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

Monday, December 17, 2012

Wanted: Writer Viagra!!!

My life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes. That's a sentence I read once and I say it over to comfort myself in these times that try the soul.
-Anne Shirley from "Anne of Green Gables"

It's Monday! I'm at work snacking on white cheddar popcorn after eating a blueberry bagel and am washing the popcorn goodness down with a Monster Rehab energy drink.

Ha! Monster Rehab. That paints an interesting image. Like that Celebrity Rehab show with Dr. Drew but instead he's surrounded by Dracula, Frankenstein's monster, the Mummy, etc, sitting in a round of chairs.

Dracula: (to the group) Hello. My name is Dracula, but you can call me Vlad. 

Group: (to Dracula) Hi Vlad!
Dracula: I have a taste for blood, the fresher the better, but lately the cravings are starting to consume me, run my life... and I don't like the man it's turning me into.
(Group applauds)
Dr. Drew: (to Dracula) Well done, Vlad. Good share.

Anyway...

Guess what folks? No story blog updates for today. The holidays have had me running around like the proverbial crazy headless chicken, and I am quite the tired little Fro-beastie. And if that wasn't enough, due to my biological calculations, I should be experiencing "power loss" soon. I can already feel it all over my bodies, especially in the already problematic established aches and pains from previous accidents and mishaps. (Frak YOU, lower back and that icky car accident all those years ago.)

And as if THAT is not enough, I think I may be coming down with a cold. (Tis the season, right?) The only sick person that I know that I was exposed to was Renee M. (I hung out with Chris M last week while she was at work, and on our way back was when I found out that she'd been sick. Took Chris M to the store to get soup fixings and medicine for her, and I came in to say hello. She said she didn't think she was contagious anymore, and she did seem better, but her cough and sniffles made me want to hug her until she slept -- which she eventually passed out on the couch while Chris M and I played video games.)

I don't necessarily think I got sick from her. Right now, it's just a slight nose/throat thing. I've had it before, and what I'm experiencing now is usually the gist of the usual crap when this happens. It's like where my nose and throat meet, but it feels like it's right behind my nose and then much lower in my throat. It feels like I've got a glob of something behind my nose that has a bunch of gravel in it, and every time I swallow, I can feel it. Sometimes on a discomfort scale, it's a 2 or 3 and sometimes it's a 6 or 7 (never a 10), but what kind of meds do you take for that? I have my nose sniffer as well as lozenges, but how do you kill that feeling?

Found this recipe for sore throat juice thing that you put several ingredients in a jar, screw the lid back on, shake then drink. It looks like hot sauce though I don't think there's any hot sauce kind of things in it. It's supposed to help with sore throats and nip coughing in the bud quick. I remember seeing this around the time a bunch of people were getting sick - coughing, etc, all around me. I was coughing, too, but it was a pesky cough that would not go away from a cold I had a month prior. (What is up with those lingering coughs? They suck ass!)

In something of writing news, I dreamed part of my LEVERAGE fan-fiction last night. I vaguely remember it, but it had to do with me (playing the character that I created for the story), Eliot, Parker and Hardison. The situation is that we head into a vault-type room, me and Eliot beat the crap out of anyone who gets in our way, Hardison hacks into the security system to disable it (by creating a blackout on the level/area we're on), and Parker snags the thing we need from the vaulty-thing. Problem is, some backup security measures kick in causing a safety wall to come down separating me and Eliot from Parker and Hardison. The "blackout" Hardison created will only last for so long, and he can't seem to get the door open. Also lasers start shining through the area blocking us from what we need to get to. So Parker tells me that I have to do it. (The com-convo goes a little like this.)

me: Parker, you need to get over here.
Parker: I can't. I won't make it in time.
me: But you're the only one that can do this.
Parker: You can do it.
me: Me? What makes you think *I* can do this?
Parker: It's all about balance, strength and concentration. (pause - thinking) You took gymnastics.
me: Yeah, like ten years ago.
Parker: Well, it's like riding a bike, right?
me: NOOOOOO...!!!

Yeah. And that's all I really remember.

I was chatting with my brother on Facebook just a second ago. I had messaged him last night about my holiday travel plans. (With jobs that I've had, I usually pack my car, head to work and then leave straight from work to visit family. Problem was my previous jobs were Monday to Friday, 8am-5pm type jobs The office job I have now is technically retail, and this year the owner decided not to close for the holidays - which a number of us thinks is STUPID. Also I close a lot - which means I stay here until 9:15pm is everything goes well, later if it doesn't. So like with Thanksgiving, I will be leaving from work - a closing/late shift - then since I work at 5pm on Christmas Day will be heading back no later than 1pm that day heading straight to work from out of town.)

Yeah... isn't all that just great? (sarcasm)

I guess my brother was working from home today because my wonderful niece Bella wanted to talk to me. (The following is from my brother.)

Bella is here. Hold on...

"I want to give you a present and you open it only on Christmas Eve and be a good girl and listen closely. This is a good deal. Signed, Isabella to Auntie Rachel."

Exact quote.

I asked her "Anything else you want to say?" She replied, "No, my thoughts were done."

My GAWD!!! She is the cutest!!!

Getting back to writing...

I get the feeling that I'll be behind on my updates for another month or so. Too much going on. Plus energy levels are way low. I'm hoping that'll change in the coming months. As it is, when the holidays come around, time and energy just shoot out the window. Then again, was listening to the Nerdist Podcast with Tina Fey and how she wrote "Bossy Pants"... and then I feel dumb and unaccomplished again.

But I'm trying to be optimistic about 2013 as well as my writing. And that's a good thing... right?

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

Friday, December 14, 2012

A-Babbling I Go...

When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep... and you're never really awake.
-Narrator from "Fight Club"

It's Friday, and I'm tired.

I closed last night at work, and then I went to the mall to meet up with friends to see the midnight IMAX 3D showing of THE HOBBIT. Work was crap toward the end of my shift (stupid rude people)

By the time I got home, it was maybe 3am... and by the time I actually forced myself to sleep since I wasn't truly tired to pass out, I think I managed to get three hours... ish... before I had to get up and get ready for work. I stopped off at an AM/PM to get some energy drinks, downed the first almost completely before I got to the office, and then headed into work. It was a little busy for the most part... busy enough to keep my mind/body working to give the illusion of actually being awake, but then I was mailing postcards - attaching address labels and stamps. The meaty part of my right palm feels like it's on the brink of growing a knot from all the adhesing I was doing.

But enough about my work stuff. On to writing stuff.

November story blogs I still need to update...
Then of course there's all of December that I haven't even started.

*headdesk*

I've also been plagued with LEVERAGE fan-fiction. Not sure why. It's more of an idea since I have no idea how to work the mechanics of one of their cons, but then again, my mind - the writer spirit in me - wants to write out the stories that I've conjured up in my noggin. The idea I had was for a character to add to the group just for a season, like a sub-plot story bit. I had an idea for something similar for season four of CHUCK, but I never really worked on it. 

Even though I've written some fan-fiction in the past (either simply for myself or for the random gift to someone per request), I don't feel comfortable playing in someone else's sandbox. I'm not crapping on anyone's parade that writes it. I've read some, and it's entertaining, but as for me? I just can't really wrap my head around it.

I'd rather create my own stuff... and lots of it.

With that being said, I need to work on my novels soon. Perhaps at the beginning of the year. I have a lot of stuff that I plan on starting at the beginning of the year. Right now, plotting my life and the holidays and dealing with the amount of time and energy I have to write these days? Damn. It's hard. 

Maybe I just need to start taking crack? That'll keep me awake, right?

In all seriousness, I'm hoping that my plans for next year are not just some dumb New  Year's Resolution that is just going to fall by the wayside like most resolutions do. I have plans... things I'd like to do and accomplish next year... the sooner the better.

If you haven't guessed by now, this is me trying to be positive and psych myself into positivity. You think it's working?

Anyway, that is all for now. Hopefully my next (Monday) post will have lots of writing updates in it. (Praise Jeebus!)

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Not Much In the "Accomplished" Department

Being a writer is like having homework every night for the rest of your life.
-Lawrence Kasdan

So here I am trying to keep up with the "Monday/Wednesday/Friday" thing. Yeah, this is only the first week I've been doing this... so let's see how this goes.

First up? Update stuff.
And the crowd's rejoice from my one update accomplishment. Woo hoo!

Yes, that was sarcasm.

Nothing much to report at the moment. Today was my day off which I spent mostly resting (take that insomnia) as well as getting over a slight sinus migraine that has been plaguing me off/on for the past few days. It comes and it goes, and I just wish it would stay gone.

Spent some time with my friend Chris M (who is car-sitting for two of his niece's friends who are just lovely ladies). Taxi'd the ladies to the train station where Chris M and I parted company with them and headed for coffee. We hung out at Starbucks (where I tried their Cranberry White Chocolate Mocha, minus the whip... quite tasty). After several hours of socializing and talking about games, writing and filmmaking, we headed to the grocery store to pick up some soup fixings for his lady Renee M who is sick but still bussing it to/from work everyday. Once back at their apartment, I went inside to see Renee M (who swears she's no longer contagious), and we chatted, had tea, a little soup, and while she napped on the couch after we watched some Torchwood, Chris M let me play some Uncharted: Drake's Fortune. I had never played the franchise before although I was familiar with it. He has all three games, and my progress on the first one is currently saved for when next we have a game day.

After I left, I hooked up with Lailani B, and we grabbed some grub (the soup hadn't quite hit the spot for me). I picked her up, and we headed to a late night Asian joint where we had fried rice, chicken and chow fun. I had a Spanish coffee which was very tasty. The dude that was helping us didn't know what kind of coffee it was since it was already made before he added the ice cream (yes my friends... ice cream). I was a little cold so I thought I'd order coffee to warm me up, but when it came to our table iced, I didn't mind. Its tastiness won out over its temperature.

Afterwards, I went home, and here I am.

The night before I put the minibook away and propped open my notebook to jot down some story ideas and apparently passed out. (Yay me!) I think I woke up several times thinking the previous times I woke up were dreams, but I'm starting to think they weren't. Then I had to pee so when I made myself get up, it was then I noticed the sky starting to lighten. When I got back to my room, I checked my phone, and it was around 6am. Admitting defeat (and that I was quite tired), I put the writing stuff away and called it a night.

I woke up a couple times due to housemates and dog's barking, but then my sinuses were tight, and there was a pang at the back of my head that really wasn't nice so I laid down, cuddled with my cat and eventually passed back out. When I woke, I got in touch with Chris M, made plans, showered, headed on over to his place... and the rest is history (or actually already covered earlier in this post).

I'm hoping I'll be caught up with my story blogs by the end of the month. As it is, I'm already trying to schedule social time, holiday trip time, shopping around work and failed attempts at writing.

So I'm a month behind. It's not THAT depressing...

*breaks a metaphorical empty beer bottle against the wall and shoves the imaginary jagged bits into my gut*

Okay, so yeah... it IS that depressing. But I'm getting there, right? That's the positive flip to all this.

Tomorrow I close and then after work, I'm meeting up with some friends to catch the midnight showing of The Hobbit. (Aww yeah, letting my nerd flag fly!)

I'm a little nervous since Friday is my first weekend opening shift. I've never opened before, and on the weekends, it's one person during the day and one at night. I've always been the night person. Why I've been given the day shift, I have no idea. (I also work the opening shift New Year's Day... which I've been joking that I'll most likely sleep a good portion of New Year's Eve away, head out to whatever party presents itself, and then afterwards head straight to work with a six-pack of Red Bull.) I just don't want to frak it up.

Okay, I think that's all I have for today. Sorry it isn't much, but at least it's something, right?

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

Monday, December 10, 2012

Wish I May, Wish I Might...

Rob: I'm tired of the fantasy, because it doesn't really exist. And there are never really any surprises, and it never really...
Laura: Delivers?
Rob: Delivers. And I'm tired of it. And I'm tired of everything else for that matter. But I don't ever seem to get tired of you, so...
-from the movie "High Fidelity"

So here we go. Trying to do this Monday, Wednesday, Friday thing that I proposed in my last post.

Woo hoo! Look at me and my follow through. I'm awesome.

In any case, let's do the update thing, shall we? It's not as impressive as the last post due to me updating everything from the past few months, but hey... it's something dammit. *shakes proud fist weakly into the air*
See? What did I tell you? Not that impressive. (For some reason, I want to make a "I'm a grower, not a shower" joke, but I'll leave it alone for now.

I'm currently at the office on my lunch so I'm trying to get this post done as quickly as possible due to wanting to try and work on something else before the hour is up. I am being simple eating a bagel and drinking some Dunkin Donuts coffee that a co-worker made and shared with me that I added a packet of hot chocolate to.

Oh yeah, can you hear the cellulite cheer at the extra fat coming its way?

If you haven't guessed by my tone, I'm not in the best of moods which perhaps is effecting my writing. (Gee, Eintstein, ya think?) Usually in my gloomier moods, poetry just seeps out of me, but I guess at this moment in time I'm just not bummed enough. 

As far as regular writing goes, I keep thinking about my story idea for LEVERAGE, but that needs to cool itself while I get a grasp on the whole "I got two novels that need to be finished" thing.

I've also been tired a lot lately. Well, probably no more than usual, but Saturday I had a sinus migraine that if just left alone to rest would have gone away on its own, but my landlady and her husband were gone, and the dogs were barking at every little thing - piece of dust, people passing by, their own breathing, the ozone layer...

Man it was annoying.

I jumped ship, grabbed some grub and then headed to the cheapy theatres to watch a movie.

I've been in a mood for a while now... a slightly depressive dip happened last night when I got home from work when a friend texted me.

JessFace: Whatchoo want for 'mas?
me: (after starting/stopping/deleting snarky comments and really thinks about, replies honestly) Better.
JF: Sheesh. That's an awful lot of profundity. I thought you'd say socks or maybe a double-knit sweater. What'sa matter my love?
me: Sorry. Just in a bit of a mood. When you asked what I wanted, all I could thik of was a better this or that. (pause) No worries though. Gifts aren't necessary. Thanks for thinking of me though.
JF: I'm sorry you're feeling icky. I love you, and I'd fix it in a fart beat if I could. (I think she meant "heartbeat", but either's appropriate here.) -- Well, I'm going to get you SOMETHING no matter what. It's up to you whether it's something you actually like or something totally dumb and a waste of my monet!
me: Monet?
JF: *money. I don't have any classic paintings.
me: I trust you honey. If you get me something, I'm sure whatever you get me will be dandy.
JF: 6 foot inflatable vag it is!
me: You make me think of the cat in the J&S's house for Halloween. (the giant decorative inflatable kind)
JF: Haaa! Well, I'm sure I can find a black one for you.
me: Sweet!

Okay, so perhaps I didn't need to include the whole thing, but I figured the first half was Bummersville, and that the latter half would make up for the first half.

I just feel a little stuck, and that bothers me. I seem to have plateued years ago to where I am now. Actually, I was a little better, but I feel like I'm stuck in this place and can't seem to pass it (and I really want to). I want more, I want a life that seems fuller than what I have now. There are selfish things that I want like a better complexion and a slimmer figure to the point where I can fit into a single number size item or be comfortable in a medium-sized t-shirt. There are other things that I want... like to be more financially stable/secure, to have some of the life I had before, to have more energy, to have my own place, to have my car fixed, to pay back my debts...

Then there's personal, lonely stuff that's in its own catergory.

Back when I first moved here and was looking for work, I was available for whatever. But that's what being jobless affords you: availability. But then when I got the job at the bookstore, I was psyched. It was a BOOKSTORE for frak's sake. The only step up from that would be working for PIXAR or ILM or a game company doing voices, etc.

But over time whether it be my weird all over the place schedule versus my lack of transportation at the time, people just stopped asking me to hang out. It wasn't because they didn't like me. I keep thinking it was because they got used to me saying "no" because I was working a retail job.

Now I'm experiencing some weird combo of available and not available responses. Now that I have a job that doesn't have a set schedule, I get people calling or texting me asking me what I'm up to or if I want to hang out. I simply say "at work" and that's usually that. Also due to being scheduled for a lot of closing shifts, I'm stuck sleeping during the day to prep for my next evening shift. And I work for a delivery company so for closing shifts, I need to stick around until the last driver is done. Sometimes that's around 9pm. Sometimes it's later.

I'm just getting touchy, feeling like I'm missing out on stuff. I've been missing out on my weekly Thursday and Monday night meetings. And then being as out of the loop as I feel, I see posts on Facebook of my friends going off and doing stuff with each other, and I feel mixtures of jealousy and anger - not intense high levels and never at them, but I just wish I can be a part of stuff.

I guess it stems from that popular thing I've always wanted. I think I was popular back in Kindergarten, but other than that, I've always been the chic who's good for a laugh or a dirty joke or will watch your pets or water your plants or...

Never mind. I'm babbling. And whining. And being stupid.

I don't mind doing these things. My friends have been there for me when I really needed a pick me up or a hand. They've shown me a lot of love in my times of need, and it makes me almost tear up when I think about how awesome they are.

I just want to be the big deal for a change. I want my life to be a big deal. I want to feel bright and shiny... and not just when I'm with my friends or my family. I want to feel good when I'm by myself, and I can't recall the last time I felt that way. Normally I distract myself with Hulu or YouTube, but when it's just me and my cat - no noise to distract my thoughts and feelings - I feel... meh.

And I'm tired of feeling meh.

Everyone around me seemed to be at the same spot and we were just working our little mojo and getting more and more juice in life, but now everyone seems to have drank the turbo and I'm left in the dust.

So to speak. (Did any of that before make any sense? If not, you can blame that whole stream of consciousness crap.)

Anyway, my lunch hour is almost up, so I need to sign off on this post. But yeah, to make it come full circle, I feel like this mood that I'm in is hindering my writing... or maybe there's just nothing there. Sorry to sound all Emo-dumb, but you've all caught me during an emotional low. Hopefully I'll be better next post or so.

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

Thursday, December 6, 2012

What I Lack In Sleep...


Fade in on a girl
With a hunger for fame,
And a face and a name to remember...

-from the song "Let Me Be Your Star" from the television series "SMASH"

I REALLY need to get this posting thing in check. For goodness sake! Maybe I should do updates every... Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

What do y'all think of that? (And by "y'all", I mean all my imaginary subscribers that I pretend read this blog or any of my stuff.) *grin*

The last time I posted it was my birthday... (counts on fingers)... which was a couple weeks ago. My birthday timeframe was nice. As much as I would love a huge friend and family bash to celebrate my hella old ass's continual aging process, it's not going to work out since my day is so close to that of the feast of pilgrims, Native Americans, and turkeys... and people are usually preoccupied with planning for the holiday to have any spare time to have birthday cake. Though I will give props to those that reached out to me and wanted to spend time with me on my blessed day (they know who they are). The best part of my day was when my niece called and sang me "happy birthday". (I love that little lovely to pieces.)

Turkey Day was faboo! I left work the Wednesday before the holiday (which was around 8pm), made a pit-stop at 7-Eleven for drinks and snacks, and then headed to the 'No (aka Fresno), spent all day Turkey Day, then headed home Friday during the day since I worked a few hours closing at work. I worked the next day closing. After my shift, I headed back to Fresno since a co-worker asked me to swap with her which left me with three days off. Spent a lot of my holiday/days off with my niece who is the bestest little creature EVER!!!

But enough bragging. On to updates.

Oh crap! How to update in this post...

Okay, I'm just going to review since I've been behind on my updates for various reasons, and at present, I still have November updates and have not started on anything for December. *headdesk*

So, to review and update at the same time, the past few months went a little like this (in alphabetical order)...
Wow. That LOOKS like a lot for the past three months, doesn't it? It doesn't FEEL like a lot though. 

Anyway...

There isn't that much left to report really. Just wish that I had more energy than I do so I can write more and read more and just... DO more.

Seeing my family over the holidays was fabulous. Hanging with my niece is a really great mood pickup. I could hug her for days!

Maybe if I could just bottle that up so when I'm not around her and get in a mood, I can bring myself instantly out of it. Like one of those 5 Hour Energy Drinks that's comprised of my niece's awesomesauceness!!!

I shall talk to you smoochy boochies later.

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae