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Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Would Rather Be Napping...

You wanna meet a girl I used to know,
Let's take a drive
-from the song "Let's Take A Drive" by Christian Kane

Back at work and tired as frak.

Got home last night from work and then the impromptu movie outing (Django Unchained was AWESOME!!!). After cleaning up the massacre my cat made of the extra litter pan I left her while I was away (it wasn't disgusting or anything, just a little messy), I changed into my jammies and watched the season/series finale of LEVERAGE.

So many tears.

Such a good show.

Another boot to the head for TNT.

Eventually I went to bed but sleep was wonky. Various things would wake me up during the course between when my head hit the pillow and when my alarm went off.

  • My cat would leap off the bed to get some kibble and then cry out to me as if she had no idea where I was.
  • The older gentleman that lives with us that my landlady takes care of got up to go to the bathroom a couple of times, and he walks about like an uncoordinated elephant where cement platform shoes.
  • My landlady's dogs that sleep in her room (which is next to mine) with her occasionally would growl and scuttle about.
  • Everyone in the house snores like their own individual distorted symphony of chainsaws.
  • I received a few spam phone calls/texts the few hours before my alarm was to go off.
The only thing that made me happy and helped me sleep - with whatever sleep I did get - was the rain.

I think I hit the snooze alarm once. Okay, twice actually... though I got up after I did it the second time and headed for the shower. Didn't see any of my housemates as I was leaving save the older gentleman who was in his room watching TV. 

And now here we are... me at work snacking on some BBQ kettle chips thinking about writing as well as debating if I want to hit the cheapy theatre on the way home. My movie choices would either be Flight or The Perks of Being A Wallflower. (If I go, I think I'm leaning toward Flight.)

Been thinking about my life lately. Reading all the positive affirmations about chasing your dreams and doing what you love, and I feel a little stuck and a little out of it. I'm good at being supportive of the people that I love because I believe in them and know that they rock, but with me? I don't know. I used to have some idea of what to do. But now? I just feel like I'm sinking and the apathy monster is eating my soul.

Wow, that sounded a little dark, but I think you get the drift.

Watching the success of my loved ones is kind of a double-edged sword in that I'm happy for them, but I also want to be happy for me. That little voice that whimpers "What about me? When's it going to be my turn?"

An egotistical part of my being knows that I'm destined for greatness, but when will that happen? My life feels like whenever it takes a step forward, I end up taking several immediately back. I had a great job but then it closed, and I was milling about in occupational limbo for years. (And let's not get into the men because that's a whole different kind of depressing.) It seems when something good happens to me, it doesn't take long for the other shoe to drop and for things to go south. For once I'd like to ride the high off of something for longer than it takes to sneeze or snap your fingers.

Now I'm throwing a pity party or looking to be coddled. I would just like to feel that whatever work I do put forth is just not going out into the ether and being sucked up by some Galactus-type monster that goes around eating people's hopes and dreams.

I have ideas... plans... still forming for the new year. Yeah, I know, resolutions are usually broken, but I'm going to try and be better. So I'm not really making a resolution or two... more like a game plan. I had some dreams growing up that weren't really nurtured or encouraged. They were just more of the "When I grow up.." variety without follow through. I made one goal for myself - to be "published" by 35 - and that didn't turn out so hot. 

Yes, I have reviews on TVFanatic and MoronLife, but those are reviews, but I'm talking about my fiction.

No. I will not whine. (I felt the beginnings of a whine there. Babbling I'm all right with, but no whining.)

But yeah. I'm planning things. And hopefully things will work out, and then things will get better.

*fingers crossed*

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

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