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Monday, December 10, 2012

Wish I May, Wish I Might...

Rob: I'm tired of the fantasy, because it doesn't really exist. And there are never really any surprises, and it never really...
Laura: Delivers?
Rob: Delivers. And I'm tired of it. And I'm tired of everything else for that matter. But I don't ever seem to get tired of you, so...
-from the movie "High Fidelity"

So here we go. Trying to do this Monday, Wednesday, Friday thing that I proposed in my last post.

Woo hoo! Look at me and my follow through. I'm awesome.

In any case, let's do the update thing, shall we? It's not as impressive as the last post due to me updating everything from the past few months, but hey... it's something dammit. *shakes proud fist weakly into the air*
See? What did I tell you? Not that impressive. (For some reason, I want to make a "I'm a grower, not a shower" joke, but I'll leave it alone for now.

I'm currently at the office on my lunch so I'm trying to get this post done as quickly as possible due to wanting to try and work on something else before the hour is up. I am being simple eating a bagel and drinking some Dunkin Donuts coffee that a co-worker made and shared with me that I added a packet of hot chocolate to.

Oh yeah, can you hear the cellulite cheer at the extra fat coming its way?

If you haven't guessed by my tone, I'm not in the best of moods which perhaps is effecting my writing. (Gee, Eintstein, ya think?) Usually in my gloomier moods, poetry just seeps out of me, but I guess at this moment in time I'm just not bummed enough. 

As far as regular writing goes, I keep thinking about my story idea for LEVERAGE, but that needs to cool itself while I get a grasp on the whole "I got two novels that need to be finished" thing.

I've also been tired a lot lately. Well, probably no more than usual, but Saturday I had a sinus migraine that if just left alone to rest would have gone away on its own, but my landlady and her husband were gone, and the dogs were barking at every little thing - piece of dust, people passing by, their own breathing, the ozone layer...

Man it was annoying.

I jumped ship, grabbed some grub and then headed to the cheapy theatres to watch a movie.

I've been in a mood for a while now... a slightly depressive dip happened last night when I got home from work when a friend texted me.

JessFace: Whatchoo want for 'mas?
me: (after starting/stopping/deleting snarky comments and really thinks about, replies honestly) Better.
JF: Sheesh. That's an awful lot of profundity. I thought you'd say socks or maybe a double-knit sweater. What'sa matter my love?
me: Sorry. Just in a bit of a mood. When you asked what I wanted, all I could thik of was a better this or that. (pause) No worries though. Gifts aren't necessary. Thanks for thinking of me though.
JF: I'm sorry you're feeling icky. I love you, and I'd fix it in a fart beat if I could. (I think she meant "heartbeat", but either's appropriate here.) -- Well, I'm going to get you SOMETHING no matter what. It's up to you whether it's something you actually like or something totally dumb and a waste of my monet!
me: Monet?
JF: *money. I don't have any classic paintings.
me: I trust you honey. If you get me something, I'm sure whatever you get me will be dandy.
JF: 6 foot inflatable vag it is!
me: You make me think of the cat in the J&S's house for Halloween. (the giant decorative inflatable kind)
JF: Haaa! Well, I'm sure I can find a black one for you.
me: Sweet!

Okay, so perhaps I didn't need to include the whole thing, but I figured the first half was Bummersville, and that the latter half would make up for the first half.

I just feel a little stuck, and that bothers me. I seem to have plateued years ago to where I am now. Actually, I was a little better, but I feel like I'm stuck in this place and can't seem to pass it (and I really want to). I want more, I want a life that seems fuller than what I have now. There are selfish things that I want like a better complexion and a slimmer figure to the point where I can fit into a single number size item or be comfortable in a medium-sized t-shirt. There are other things that I want... like to be more financially stable/secure, to have some of the life I had before, to have more energy, to have my own place, to have my car fixed, to pay back my debts...

Then there's personal, lonely stuff that's in its own catergory.

Back when I first moved here and was looking for work, I was available for whatever. But that's what being jobless affords you: availability. But then when I got the job at the bookstore, I was psyched. It was a BOOKSTORE for frak's sake. The only step up from that would be working for PIXAR or ILM or a game company doing voices, etc.

But over time whether it be my weird all over the place schedule versus my lack of transportation at the time, people just stopped asking me to hang out. It wasn't because they didn't like me. I keep thinking it was because they got used to me saying "no" because I was working a retail job.

Now I'm experiencing some weird combo of available and not available responses. Now that I have a job that doesn't have a set schedule, I get people calling or texting me asking me what I'm up to or if I want to hang out. I simply say "at work" and that's usually that. Also due to being scheduled for a lot of closing shifts, I'm stuck sleeping during the day to prep for my next evening shift. And I work for a delivery company so for closing shifts, I need to stick around until the last driver is done. Sometimes that's around 9pm. Sometimes it's later.

I'm just getting touchy, feeling like I'm missing out on stuff. I've been missing out on my weekly Thursday and Monday night meetings. And then being as out of the loop as I feel, I see posts on Facebook of my friends going off and doing stuff with each other, and I feel mixtures of jealousy and anger - not intense high levels and never at them, but I just wish I can be a part of stuff.

I guess it stems from that popular thing I've always wanted. I think I was popular back in Kindergarten, but other than that, I've always been the chic who's good for a laugh or a dirty joke or will watch your pets or water your plants or...

Never mind. I'm babbling. And whining. And being stupid.

I don't mind doing these things. My friends have been there for me when I really needed a pick me up or a hand. They've shown me a lot of love in my times of need, and it makes me almost tear up when I think about how awesome they are.

I just want to be the big deal for a change. I want my life to be a big deal. I want to feel bright and shiny... and not just when I'm with my friends or my family. I want to feel good when I'm by myself, and I can't recall the last time I felt that way. Normally I distract myself with Hulu or YouTube, but when it's just me and my cat - no noise to distract my thoughts and feelings - I feel... meh.

And I'm tired of feeling meh.

Everyone around me seemed to be at the same spot and we were just working our little mojo and getting more and more juice in life, but now everyone seems to have drank the turbo and I'm left in the dust.

So to speak. (Did any of that before make any sense? If not, you can blame that whole stream of consciousness crap.)

Anyway, my lunch hour is almost up, so I need to sign off on this post. But yeah, to make it come full circle, I feel like this mood that I'm in is hindering my writing... or maybe there's just nothing there. Sorry to sound all Emo-dumb, but you've all caught me during an emotional low. Hopefully I'll be better next post or so.

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

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