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Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Feeling A Little Lost...

I just want to be perfect.
-Nina Sayers from the movie "Black Swan"

This morning while getting ready for work, I heard my landlady's husband talking to the dogs... and it made me think of a joke I'd heard a long time ago on TV by a male comic. It was about baseball coaches slapping their players on the ass in a "good game" kind of way. Just a quick slap, lasting barely a second. The joke was if the coach were to slap a player's ass and then leave his hand there - longer than necessary.

My landlady's husband most of the time talks to the dogs in baby speak.  A little is fine. A lot? Prepare for me to projectile vomit onto your face.

Sound travels well in my house - mostly due to almost all hardwood floors leaving nothing to buffer random noises. From my room (where I chill and hide out most times when I'm home), I can hear every baby talk, snore, dog yap, argument, phone, sneeze, etc... and it can get annoying.

Lately my insomnia has been winning the battle over my sanity (which usually gets bulled about my craziness). I've just been having the worst luck lately falling asleep at a decent hour and then when I do happen to conk out into the blackness, I never seem to get restful, uninterrupted for longer than a few hours.

This morning I got a text message from a friend which woke me up an hour before my alarm was to go off... which was fine... but then the dogs started to bark at NOTHING AT ALL so I just laid quietly in bed silently plotting the demise of no one in particular since that's what lunatics do. Perhaps one of these days, I'll just pick someone randomly out of the phone book and bludgeon them with a rock that I've painted with the phrase For the love of GAWD! Why won't you let me SLEEP!?!?!?

SHUT THE FRAK UP!!!

The text was from Jim G following up on kitty-sitters for the time he and his wife Leah G will be out of town for the holidays. I work all week and my plan is to leave work Saturday (a closing shift) and head straight to Fresno where I'll have the next couple days off until Christmas Day where (yes, you see where this is going) I work at 5pm... which means I'll have to leave no later than 1pm (to give me enough time for traffic, etc) to get to work on time. I work the following day as well but it's one of those midday types where I start late in the morning and head home late in the evening (though I don't close that night so yay me). Jim G and Leah G had sent a message to me and Scheherazade K to see if either of us would be able to take care of the kitties (one of their four kitties needs an insulin shot twice a day). I laid out my schedule to say I could do the evenings of Christmas and the day after. The text I got this morning was to confirm that I could do Christmas night after work and the morning after (since they'd be home that night).

In reality, I could do it, but due to the lack of (quality) sleep I've been getting lately... plus the driving several hours back to town only to head straight to work... and then close... and then head to their place to take care of the cats... I selfishly just want to sleep in (or try to) until I have to work the next day. And then thinking about it, I want to be of a sound mind when I go there because feeding is one thing. Filling a syringe with medicine from a phial and then shooting it into the correct cat? Sure... the kitty in question is black, an obvious contrast to the others, but still... I have these odd jokey thoughts that I'll stab a pillow and leave the house thinking I'd taken care of everything.

I just think it'd be better if someone a little more awake and clear-headed would be a better choice. I told him it would be better to see if Scheherazade K could do the morning after Christmas, but as it was, she was doing the other days I couldn't and yet to confirm with them that she was a definite "yes". I said I'd do it if she couldn't, but I'm really hoping she can. When originally asked via Facebook message thread, she said she had to check with her boyfriend. Not sure what plans they have, but if they are staying in town, I think it'd be easier if she did it, but then again I don't know her man too well or his familial ties so perhaps they are going out of town.

In any case, I'll ping Jim G before the week is up to see what the dealio is. I just want to make sure the kitties are taken care of.

(looks over what I've just written and wonders how it relates to writing)

Ah! (epiphany)

It relates since I've had a lot on my plate to plan for as well as budget and plan... and that doesn't include the little holiday get-togethers.

Ohhh, last Saturday I opened at work... which means I have to be at work at 7am... which means I have to get up at 5am to get ready - mostly for my hair as well as maneuver around housemates. I hadn't slept well/much the night before and was trying to will my energry drink and coffee to wake my ass up, but I almost nodded off at the desk since so early in the morning NOTHING was happening... which is usually fine, but I needed to keep my mind working to keep me awake. I tried writing, but I was so damn exhausted, I just stared at my story blogs and the blinking cursor daring me to do something but knowing very well I was a zombie.

At 2pm, I headed to my friend Alithea's family's house for Tamale Day. I stopped in to say hello and see the new house. Kathy W and Steve C were there, but they eventually left to try and get some holiday stuff done before Kathy W flew out (this morning) to Ohio (I think). I almost passed out at the house and hot cocoa night wasn't until 7pm so I thought about taking a nap, but I knew if I did, I'd be out for the rest of the day. I left Tamale Day (with some tamales thanks to Terrie S, Alithea S's mom), and headed to Jess F's and Dawn S's place. When more people started to arrive, I woke up a little but when they left, I needed to head home and go to bed.

TIRED!

I skipped out on going to Ron O's hockey game since I was trying to take full advantage of my only day off until I leave for Fresno. I was off Thursday, but one of my co-workers had an emergency so I'm taking the first half of her shift to help out. In turn, she's taking the closing half of one of my shifts the following week. Not a bad trade, and I'm always willing to be helpful when I can.

The day off was spent failing at several places in search of presents for my family (since they were the only ones I could afford to shop for due to budget constraints). I went to three stores and even ventured to the mall where there was a bomb scare just a day or so before. I walked about looking for shops that carried what I was looking for and nope... nothing. I ended up buying ONE thing after spending the entire day driving about so at least it wasn't a total loss.

The next three days I worked until 8pm. On the way home, I stopped off at a couple places and acquired a few more items. Yesterday was spent looking for one particular item and finding that the store I wanted to go to either closed or moved locations since the building was completely empty. Too tired to function any more, I grabbed some grub and headed home. Today after work I got the last few items though I'm thinking of looking for one last thing... maybe.

And then of course there's wrapping.

And then packing.

And sleeping?

I have ideas milling about in my head, but nothing has really seeped through my fingertips, onto the keyboard, and onto the electronic page as proof of my mental milling

Instead of being creative, I have found that I've been sensitive and moody at times when I'm usually not and bummed more often than I'd care to be. Sometimes I'm plagued with moments of "Why do I - or should I - even bother?" or "I'm never going to finish this" and other oh so literary wrist slashing talk to the point of hanging up my wordsmithery and storytelling cap up for good.

And the sensitive crap. I occasionally feel like I'm getting picked on... A LOT! My friends and I jib-jab each other every once in a while. It's one of many ways we show we care, and we know we mean it in jest, but lately it's like I feel I'm being pinpointed specifically or the joking is more mean than joke. It's not though my current mood is trying to convince me otherwise.

I also seem to not be taking well the good things happening to people I know. I am truly happy for them, but there's that small part of me that feels like a failure... even if it's something I'm not into or know nothing about.

I have been paid various compliments lately that I drop in the "good things" bucket. I've been told that I'm fun and funny and have surprised people in saying I just babble on saying whatever comes mind and not purposely TRY and be funny. (I do like making my loved ones laugh and smile... well, even people in general. It warms me.) I've been told I'm helpful, that I'm detailed, that I take charge when needed. I've been told that I'm talented. I've shocked and amazed people (which shocks and amazes me) and been told that I'm talented and clever. I'm also told that I'm loved and appreciated and that I'm awesome and I rock.

So why the mood?

I blame the lack of sleep. That's got to be it.

I mean... what else could it be?

Whatever it is, I want it to go away so I can go back to that vague grey between the two emotional poles where I usually dwell - still feeling bummed with sprinkles of happiness - still dreaming of being the popular girl but settling to be just a girl that has some popular aspects about her.

Some would call that mediocrity. Some would be right.

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

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