I've had insomnia (self-diagnosed, of course) in some form or another all throughout my adult life.
Well, I do remember when I was younger (late elementary or possibly junior high... which put me around 10-12 years old) when I was sick, and my mom gave me some Dimetapp (which was grape flavored but wasn't really since grape flavored anything tastes like purple). In any case, when she gave me medicine, I'd usually start to feel sleepy and want to go to bed. This time, however, I didn't feel tired at all. And since it was late, and my mom would question if I left my room other than to go to the bathroom, so I stayed in my room. And I didn't have any books to read or anything to really do - which wouldn't have mattered anyway since she'd tell me to shut my light off and go to bed. So I would just sit there... in bed... thinking of stuff... listening to the night sounds outside... until I eventually fell asleep (which I can honestly say did not happen right way).
In later years when I would (try to) talk about my insomnia with my mother, she would be worried that I'd take sleep aids (aka drugs) to help me fall asleep and that I would get addicted which would be bad so in the end - DON'T DO IT! I told her I had already tried some and none of them worked - trying to explain I may have a fast metabolism which causes my body to process things differently. She would go on and on as if I hadn't said a word, begging and pleading me not to use sleep aids (which now thinking of it, she said nothing of alcohol). Eventually, I brought up the Dimetapp incident, and she said the reason the medicine didn't make me sleepy was that I was sitting up - and that I had to lay down for it to work.
I honestly do not know if she really meant that or was just trying to convince me that laying down helps you sleep. If the latter, yeah - I can tell you with complete certainty that doesn't work. If it did, I probably wouldn't be where I am now.
My sleep hasn't gotten any better since the pandemic. (In other words, FUCK YOU, COVID!)
And it doesn't help that my metabolism or whatever doesn't allow for meds or teas or whatever to truly work on me. Yes, I still continue to chug energy drinks when I'm feeling particularly low, but sometimes they don't work. I remember once going to an old job since I was invited to celebrate someone's birthday. I drank a 16oz Rockstar, and by the time I got back to my car, I was loopy since there wasn't really anything in my stomach until the party which was just really cake
If meds work on me at all, it's usually a while after the fact. If I'm tired, I won't feel anything until a few hours later (if at all) so then I'm "awake" but then have nothing really to do.
Oh gawd, this brings back the time when I was headed out of town to see my family for the weekend. Around this time, I had found the right energy drink combo (a 16oz can of something plus a 5-hour Energy size type shot). Driving to see my family is a lot of straightaways and most of the time, I would pull over to take a power nap before heading the rest of the way. I found the energy drink combo took the drowsy "ohmygawdhowlongwasthatblink" feeling, and I'd be right as rain. On the way out of town, I'd hit a 7-Eleven for some water, energy, and snacks.
One time for who-knows-what-reason, I got a Redline instead of a small shot energy drink. I think I was in a rush, and didn't see them at the register which they usually were (and then later saw they were in an aisle - which I noted for later). I got the goods and headed out. Maybe halfway there, I started to feel a little droopy and cracked open the Redline and drank half (which I believe is one serving per the bottle). Then I cracked open the 16oz can and my water and sipped those for a while waiting for the droopy feeling to go away. I also had my audiobooks in the car with me, but I had to restart some tracks since I was still feeling droopy and missing stuff. Against better judgement, I downed the rest of the Redline... and that seemed to do the job.
When I got to my mom's place, she was still at work, and her husband was watching TV, so I went to my room and got settled. I whipped out my mp4 player and thought to watch a show I downloaded to it. I laid down on the bed (which my back was grateful for) and held the player above. That's when I realized my hands were shaking slightly. So I rolled over on my stomach, set the player on the bed in front of me, and watched the show that way.
I still do my 7-Eleven snack stop before heading out of town to see my fanily, but I keep to the usual items and not stray from the plan.
Still though - I think occasionally what it would be like to be normal. Like when I'm sick, and I take meds that "may cause drowsiness" and then I sleep. Or having a simple cup of coffee to wake me up. I have found some things that have helped me sleep or wake-up, but either those things get discontinued (I'm looking at you, Prometheus Springs) or my body adjust (that one's for you Hyland Calms Forte). With the latter, it worked ONE NIGHT! I've thought about picking it up again since the Restful Legs pills work for me, and maybe after all this time has passed, maybe the bedtime ones will work. Maybe? (But in looking them up as I write this, I see they have another one called "Rest" which looks promising since it also has to do with stress - and I usually have a regular dosage of that in my life. There are also two other ones that look to help with energy/waking up - so I may take a closer look at those, too.)
Once in a while I wonder if I have narcolepsy, but per the definition, it's uncontrollable... like you just fall asleep. I haven't done that. I'm tired, and the moment I stop moving - like I sit down or lean against the wall - I think "Maybe a cat nap would be good." Ugh but during covid, I go to work, then come home, and all I want to do is nap... or at least curl up in a ball on my bed for a while. That's probably some kind of depression - which I'm probably not the only one that feels that way during this pandemic.
Also, I know it also has to do with health and exercise which I really need to get back into. I need to figure out how to deal with my left leg. Since the last car accident, it hasn't been the same and randomly swells and aches. I'm working on compressions and stretches for it, but exercising requires BOTH my legs, I know I'll figure something out, but right now... I feel tired and fed up and angry and a slew of other things. It's like a grab bag of emotions.
In a panny?! In a panorama?! In a patricia?!
Fuck you, again, covid.
Later my lovelies.
Have Goodness!
Rae
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