Shut Your Fuck 2012!!!

Can you feel that?
Ah, shit

-from the song "Down With the Sickness" by Disturbed

Ahhh June.  You whore month.  How you have sucked for me this year.  Actually, this year has pretty much blown goats of the largest and most diseased variety.

Oh how I hate you.

I am so incredibly unhappy right now, it's killing me.  Life stresses have been digging away at my innards like a zombie at the bottom of the Grand Canyon which is completely filled to the brim with live naked immobile humans.

(Yeah, have fun with that mental image.)

As you can tell, I haven't been having the best of days though on the brighter side of things, I'm still above ground and breathing which an ex-friend of mine once said which I always took to mean to be grateful I was still alive.  But seeing as that ex-friend is no longer in my life and has yet to deliver the apology they so graciously said they'd someday give me, in my current mood, I say FUCK YOU!

I believe I have been keeping it together as best I can for the most part, but it's hard to keep your head up high when it feels like the universe continues to deal you shitty hand after shitty hand, and seriously... I'm tired of folding.

Life has made it difficult for me to write, but this month has been the worst I think.  I haven't really worked on any of my story blogs though I have been working on a short story which has been a two-for-one combo project for my friends Chris M and Jenny S.

To recap:

I hung out with friends Chris M and Renee M earlier this year, and Chris M told me of this film project that he'd worked on and how much of a nightmare it was.  Then they both proposed the idea of me writing him a simple three page story based on a simple movie formula he got from a book.  I said I'd do it.  Problem is every time I started something, I'd get grumbly about it and start again.  Over and over and over again.

More recently my friend Jenny S has been riding my ass regarding my writing which I actually quite enjoy and appreciate, but recently when I was feeling incredibly down in the dumps, one of the things she gave me was an assignment.  She wanted me to write a short story in the first person from somebody else's point of view.  She originally said to do it within 24 hours, but I was completely at a loss of what to write since most of my stuff is third person.  I read a lot of authors who write in first person, but I find it difficult and a bit of a challenge.

A few days after the Jenny assignment was given, I had an epiphany of sorts of combining the two assignments.  I had a bit of a beginning in my head and a vague outline and idea, but I was going to try to make it work.  I started writing, and made it to three pages quicker than I thought.  I sent a message to Chris and asked if it was okay I wrote more than three pages (mainly because I knew that I was going to write more than that from where I was when I sent the message... as well as Jenny telling me to shoot for ten pages).  He said he was fine with it and to write whatever I wanted.

Now here's the thing.  Those that know me know I have a penchant for writing odd stuff... and also dabble in creepy.  (I never used to believe I could write creepy scenes much less whole creepy stories, but there was this one bit of a story I was working on with a teddy bear that freaked out three of my friends... I was quite impressed with myself and giddy with accomplishment since when I wrote that part, I had only meant for it to be weird and possibly suspenseful.)

Anyway, I'm getting off track.

With this story I was working on, something changed.  When I was working on JUST the Chris story, I had kind of imagined it to be dark and angry.  When it became a Jenny and Chris story, my mind shifted and the story turned into something else and not creepy at all.

Jenny continued to cyber-poke me (she lives on the other side of the states so she emails/messages me often) saying I was to finish the story soon.  Then one day during an independent productive work date with my friend Jess F, I was close to finishing the story when Jenny pops up on Facebook.  Her message was simple.  It was her email address followed by the words "I await a draft".

I finished the story when I got home that night and sent it to John S to proof, but he said he'd read it when he got home (he was at work and we were chatting on Facebook).  I had wanted to run it by someone before sending it to Jenny, but seeing as she said she was waiting for a draft, I decided to just give her a rough draft.  Not wanting to wait, I sent it, and she sent back a message saying she'd read it that night.

Am I the only one that writes something and then gives it to someone to read and is impatient to hear anything back?

Jenny emailed me back her review, congratulating me on my rough draft and said some other positive things, but she pretty much thought it should be creepier and more violent.  In all honesty, I was surprised.  That was my original intention beforehand, but now I was kind of being told or asked or requested to make it more gruesome.

I conveyed Jenny's opinions to John, and he agreed.

So now I am working on version 2.0 of my story.  I want it a little more polished before I send it to Chris.  The current draft is 13 pages.  I wonder how long the second draft will be.

It's weird when I'm asked to be dark and twisty.  I get performance anxiety.  Usually the dark and twisty just flows through me.  Now I have to work at it.

I tried working on my "dark and twisty" last night while surfing the net, talking to John while he was working the night shift, checking out Hulu and fretting about life in general.  (I was trying to channel my inner creepy kid and not finding a connection anywhere.)  So while searching for a connection, I check back to see if John's said anything since I'm watching videos and can't hear the chat chime.  I go back to Facebook and find another chat window open from now another ex-friend with some (insert drama here) news, and it just bowled me over.

Suddenly everything became too much.

Now the ex-friend situation wasn't so incredibly bad compared to everything else I have to deal with, but it was just enough to send me over the edge - the stupid drama straw that broke my emotionally unstable camel's back.  I chatted with John about it, and his words were encouraging, but I still broke.  I also talked to another friend who was in a bad mood, and we kind of brooded together for a while.  Then after not being able to focus on anything, I shut off the minibook and the lights and laid down to try and sleep.  Nimitz (my cat) came over to cuddle with me, and I was grateful for her company.  I literally cried/whimpered myself to sleep and woke up feeling terrible and completely depressed.  I spent the whole day hiding in my room not doing much of anything.  A couple friends invited me out, but I said no.  I wasn't in the mood to be around anyone then.

Later I got a message from my friend Diana M inviting me out for drinks, and I thought about it and thought it a good idea to go, but then gave various reasons why I couldn't make it.  Then those reasons were shot down, and earlier this evening (remember: it's not the next day until the sun comes up) Diana M and Kevin Z picked me up and we (with Dawn S and Jess F) went out.  I had a new drink called a Miami Tea.  Very citrusy.  Not too bad.  Helped Kevin with his Scotch discoveries.  Overall it was a nice night, and I thank my friends for their attempts at cheering me up.

I'm still bummed and irritated and grumbly about the whole thing.  I just hate it when people make assumptions about me based off of whoknowswhat and don't bother talking to me.  The situation last night was a little different than the rest but it still ranks in that category... granted low on the scale but it's still there.

I think I'm a pretty decent person with a big heart.  If it's within my power, I will help you out.  I'm also a bit of a free-spirit that doesn't want to step on anyone's toes so if there's a problem, I want to talk it out, but apparently not everyone is like that.  They'd rather make assumptions on things based off of what others say instead of talking to the one person that actually matters and is involved in the situation.  If you're friends with me, and have issues with me, talk to me.  And if I somehow irritate or hurt or offend you in some way, I sincerely apologize... but you have to let me know because it's not fair to me to be blindly hated or treated badly without any warning or notice if I don't know what's going on.  

The funny thing about all of this is my mood earlier today was perfect for the dark and twisty theme of the story rewrite, but I just had no energy to write due to the funk I was in.  Then after going out with my friends, I came home contemplating working on the story, but when I had the energy to work on it, I had no dark and twisty to give.  I'm still bummed and depressed, but I have no idea how to tap back into that creepy part of me.

So yeah... that's pretty much it.  I haven't updated anything.  I haven't worked on any of the stories for May (that I totally intend to finish even though it's almost the end of June).  I'm not going to take on the 100 blog posts thing until life's a little more stable for me to do so.  I wanted to participate in this year's Clarion Write-a-Thon, but with all that's going on, I just don't have enough left to give it the attention it deserves.

2012 has been a really shitty year for me so far, and it seems to be a pretty shitty year for some of my friends as well.  I really hope things get better REALLY SOON... like maybe, oh I dunno... RIGHT NOW!!!

I need to follow a rainbow to its end and find that the planets have aligned perfectly on a pot of gold with the winning lotto ticket so that things can start getting better.  Until then, if anyone is looking for me, follow the boozey stench and quiet muffled crying.

It would just be so faboo if things worked out for me in a secure and lovely way since I'm volunteering in SoCal next month at NERDHQ (the one thing I refused to give up in the midst of all this nonsense).  I was accepted.  Now I just have to work everything else out.

It will work out.  It will work out.  It will work out.  (YOU HEAR ME UNIVERSE?!?!?!)  It will work out.  It will work out.  It will work out...

And who knows, I might get all my updates done before the end of the month.  That would be something at least.

(head-wall-splat-repeat)

That's all for now.  If you have any words of encouragement, large sums of American currency or alcohol, feel free to send them this way.  They'd be much appreciated.

Later my loveies.

Have Goodness!
Rae