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Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Professionally? Great. Personally? Meh.


Tuesday.

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Yeah.

Nothing much to report on the writing front.

I've been mainly working out ideas to fill the gaps between segments I already have written as well as outlining and noting other scenes and how to expand them just a bit since they don't please me in their present states.

I'm trying to quiet the other children, telling them to play a game or something and leave mommy to her writing responsibilities, but you know how kids can be. They want to play with YOU and tell YOU stories and perform for YOU.

Work has been okay. I feel like I'm getting busier at the office than I have time to be. My initial way in life is to say "yes" when someone asks if I can help, and then when logic actually calculates that I can't do the thing I want to help with... and I have to say "no"? -- I feel bad. I try to talk myself out of it saying things like Well, you wanted to help. That's the important thing. or If it were in your power, and you could realistically do it and get everything else done, you would. or Don't beat yourself up about it. You're a good person. And saying no from time to time is okay.

Part of my job is to separate the restaurant checks we send out every two weeks evently, give everyone a stack, and then get them out in the mail by Friday at the earliest. And I used to be good at this until one day when I was taking a little too much on - helping out with last minute crises, etc. - and I got everything done, but I'd only made a small dent in my check stack. I accidentally commented on this aloud, and my manager - who sits in the opposite cube from me and knows exactly all the things I've been assigned and have been helping out on - said that I could delegate it to the girls that were closing that night. I looked at them, and they both said without missing a beat "Yeah, hand them over." I said, winching a little, "Are you sure?" They had already finished their stacks long ago and were totally willing to help me. I felt bad but handed them over anyway since I couldn't have overtime, and I was leaving soon. I thanked them both A LOT.

I've only had to ask them to help me out one other time, but still, I felt like crap about it. I mean, I want to do my part... but I know I can't do everything... but still...

How does one get over one's self and relax? How does one accept the fact that just because they can do everything, it's not bad if they don't actually get to everything?

I heard somewhere once that a woman colors her hair for a sense of control. Like their world is falling apart, and they have no sense of power, but if they dye their hair, it's their decision, and they have all the power to do so.

I admittedly dye my hair for one of two reasons: 1. I'm bored, or 2. My OCD sees more than my roots, the dye, and my random white hairs and screams "too many colors, need to clean it up into one." (I have dyed my hair so many times in so many different shades that when my current dye job starts to fade and grow out, I can see all sorts of business going on in my curls. I can deal with my roots and the fading shade which together make some strange ombre effect, but more than that? Irksome.)

Anyway, I mention this because my mind conjures the idea that I try my best to control my work life since I'm less than stellar with my own life. At work, I know I'm awesome and can do lots of things, but in my own life? Utter shite.

But I'm a work in progress to getting back to where I was before.

Help?

Ugh. It's too depressing to think about it. I need to be equals with myself in my professional and personal. I used to be that... at least I think I used to be. Now it mostly just feels way too taxing to be... me... my personal me.

Okay, this is getting too depressing. I'm ending this here in hopes of having a good dream once my world goes black for a few hours.

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

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