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Friday, June 10, 2016

Q&A - Liar Liar! My Pants Are On Fire!

image taken from http://www.bluesbuster.net/
Name one thing you have lied to yourself about. Why did you do this?
To myself? Just one? Hmmm...

Two actually come to mind so I'll write about both.

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The first would be telling myself (and occasionally others) that I can't do something.

I have proven in life that I can do whatever I set my mind to, but the things that really matter or could possibly be better for me I feel that I can't do. Loved ones continually tell me that I can, and I love them for what they say, but in the end, you are your own worst enemy.

For years I've been trying my hand at writing, and for the most part I'm... ?entertaining?... but I have yet to actually finish a novel or be published in any capacity. My passion is writing. I love stories, and I REALLY want to write books, and I feel that I have great ideas, but as to the why I tell myself that I'm shit or that it will never happen is mostly fear.

I'm a person that tries - at best - to confront her fears, but there's that whole underlying "what if they don't like it?" or "what if I fail?" vibe going on. I still continue to try, but I will admit my resolve to continue on some things feel fizzley, and that voice in my head screams at me to unfizzle it.

So far nothing has completely fizzled out of existence but more likely has been set aside to be tackled later when life is less chaotic, and I have some better semblance of organization, motivation, etc.

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The second would be convincing myself that things are better/worse than they actually are.

I'm a supercaligistic... support person for my friends and family, but when it comes to myself, it's a little less so.

It's easier to be something for someone else because even though your view on things is slightly biased, for the most part you can be objective about things. You are speaking from a place of pure love and sincerity. And I'm honest - although sometimes politely so. My friends and I are like that. We call each other on our shit.

So if a friend is fretting about something, I will be honest with them. But I want to help them realize how awesome they are (which they are) and that they can do anything (which they can). It's just my default setting. I love the people I love, and I want to see them happy.

Now when it comes to myself? Ha!

For the most part, I try to be positive. Back in my younger years, I was as pessimistic as you could get. Post-divorce, there was a lot of change in my life, and I suffered a lot of negativity, and when you're brow-beated with that kind of poison - especially at a young age - it can get difficult to pull yourself up by your boot straps and tell people to frak off.

Admittedly I have gotten WAY better later in life. I still have the "expect the worst, hope for the best" mentality - which drives a few of my friends nuts since it's not as positive as they would like, but it works for me so, meh. But still, when history repeats itself again and again, and life shits on your time after time, your resolve starts to waiver just a tad.

At least mine does.

But on the flip side, I have also found myself placing all my eggs in one basket and getting screwed. This happens less often than the negative aspect, but it has happened. And after a while of being "Yeah, I totally got this!" -- you start to think "Maybe I don't."

I've tried to explain the "expect the worst, hope for the best" thing. In reality, it's more of a realistic way of looking at things since usually the result balances out somewhere in the grey area between the two poles of outcomes. Very rarely has something been TOTALLY AND UTTERLY AMAZING or DOWNRIGHT DREADFUL AND PATHETIC. Most of the time it's OKAY THOUGH PERHAPS NOT EXACTLY IDEAL OR WHAT I WANTED BUT GOOD ENOUGH FOR NOW.

And yes, as shitty as that last result may sound, it's all anyone could really hope for.

I mean, if you go out on a date, wouldn't you rather have a good time even if it didn't work out rather than spend the evening with a complete asshat?

(I feel that my explanations, rationalizations, and metaphors/analogies are only for me, but I guess that's okay since it's my struggle to reason out, deal with, and overcome.)

*pumps fist in the air*

*******

In no way am I justifying either of these "lies" I tell myself, but it's a result of how life has been for me, and me trying to keep a positive (yet realistic) outlook on life. I still have my dark moments, but they are less and don't last as long.

Let's hear it for growing up, yeah?
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Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

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