Monday, January 7, 2013

It's Just A Mood, It'll Pass

You can become blind by seeing each day as a similar one.
-Paulo Coelho

Let's get the updates out of the way, shall we?

For December, we have:
And lookee what we have here! A January update!:
Finally breaking through to the new year.

That's pretty much all the writing I've gotten done recently... aside from writing out random LEVERAGE fanfic scenes from my head. (It's not anything complete, mind you. Just the scenes I've conjured in my noggin since I don't think I could think of a con... especially one that would do the series justice.) But I'm dabbling with fight scenes and dialogue (which I think is my strong suit anyway) so hopefully writing out this stuff will leave room for other stuff.

I also started dabbling with another story/novel idea. I'm mostly doing the same thing as with the fanfic, just writing out certain scenes, but I already have two novels that need my attention. I'm not about to full-on start a third.

What else?

Nothing too exciting has happened over my weekend. Saturday was Les Miserables with the girls (Laura, Leah and Scheherazade) then drinks with Jon S.

Sunday was uneventful aside from realizing my library stuff was due that day instead of Monday.

Today was my final of three days off so I spent the day pretty much doing nothing. I ran an errand, updated my 365 pic a day challenge thingy, balanced my checkbook, tweeted/Facebook'd some, watched some Hulu, surfed some YouTube, did some writing as well as completely cleaned out my cat's litter box.

And tomorrow I work. Yay me. (<=== slight sarcasm)

I get to miss out on most of (if not all of) Alithea S's visit since I'm working mostly nights. I might make it to the dinner thing on Friday... at least after the dinner thing since I get out of work that night (at the earliest) 9:15pm. But then the day that I'm off she leaves. Depending on when she leaves, I might be able to hang with her a little bit. (We'll see.)

I'm just kind of bummed lately.

Part of it is since I started working again, I feel like I did when I was working at the bookstore all those years ago. My shifts were random of shifts (and back then I didn't have a car) and mostly closing, but I felt like I was starting to be forgotten. In the beginning, I'd be asked if I could go do stuff, but then with the new job, I'd often have to say I couldn't since I was working.

Then it felt like people... just stopped asking.

And now here I am - older and new job though it seems to have similar hours (always seem to be closing) - and I'm still being asked to stuff, but with work always getting in the way as well as my friends getting all coupled off... it's like I never see people anymore. And maybe they'll just... stop asking.

I'm just in a bummed place... like I'm out of the loop, and I don't know how to get back in it. (To be honest, I even feel that way at work sometimes.)

I've only ever had maybe two popular moments in my life: kindergarten and high school.
  • In kindergarten, I remember getting dropped off in the morning, and seeing kids from my class near the fence happy to see and rushing me to come inside.
  • In high school was a little different. I wasn't popular by "popularity" standards, but I felt popular in my group of friends. I'd get calls, get kidnapped, invited out to stuff... it was nice.
I've also been thinking about friends lately. 

There's one that helped me out during my whole East Coast drama. We somehow just lost touch, and his name is rather common so I have no idea how to find him. I saw his sister was on Facebook (we took French in high school together), and so I sent her a message. No reply. I even tried friending her. Nothing. Two years ago, I sent him a Christmas card to the last address I had for him, and it got returned. This past Christmas, I sent him a card but to his parents' place which I've driven by on occasion, and I'm not even sure if they live there anymore.

How long does it take for a letter to get returned to you if the person you sent it to no longer lives there?

Then there's an ex-roomie of mine that we lost touch. I found that she and her boyfriend had a New Year's Eve party and invited others that I thought she had lost touch with as well. A small part of me wondered why I wasn't invited but then I let it go. I'm just glad that she's doing well and is happy.

The most recent friend thing is a touchy subject since I don't want to put it all out on public display, but it's all kind of messed up. Let's see if I can make it a little general here. I met Humpty and Dumpty through a mutual friend. I got along better with Dumpty than Humpty. Dumpty ended things with me since Humpty thought something else was going on. Then I found out that Humpty was the one that had something going on that Dumpty knew about, but they're trying to work stuff out. Humpty also seemingly tried to say I should have said something about since Humpty thought we were closer than that, but Humpty had my number and knew how to get a hold of me so why hasn't Humpty reached out. And now our mutual friend occasionally brings them up, and it reminds me of all that crap we'd gone through. And now Dumpty is contacting mutual friend trying to invite them out to stuff.

Yeah... that sounds lame, too. Ugh.

Being in this bummed state also makes it weird when good things happen to my friends and loved ones. My initial reaction is "CONGRATS!!! I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!" but there's always that little grumbly part inside that is cutting herself while drinking cocktails mixed with barbituates cursing her own damn lot in life.

Wow! That was dark. Sorry about that. Just read that as me being happy but also a little jealous and bummed.
Also when I write dark like that, it's just the writer in me coming out. I'm not going to hurt myself or something. It's just my way of saying "I'm very very very... (multiplied by a large number) [insert adjective here]." I guess it's my inner Poe or Dickinson coming out of me. I dunno. Just don't take it the wrong way. I'm not going to stick my head in an oven or give my cat some of my opium stash.
Not that I... have... an opium... sta-.
Anyway, moving on.
I just feel stuck. Like life isn't exciting anymore. Okay, correction, like my life isn't exciting anymore. (Was it ever?) As it is, I have no idea if I'll be able to make it to San Diego this July. Then again, my San Diego July plans always seem to be a last minute thing, but the not knowing is making me a little icky in the tum tum. 
I have plans with my family at the beginning of February. Hopefully that plays out.
I'm grateful for all the help and love and support that I've received this past year, but for me... just as a personal thing for me... I just need a little oomph. A little "punch, pizzazz, yahoo and how"... but how do I get that?
I know I have to make my own happiness, but sometimes it feels the more I try, the more depressed I get.
Okay, perhaps today is a day to be writing this, but I did say that I was going to do this three times a week, so that's what I'm going to do.
An upside to things is that Aaron C remembered his copy of Jim Butcher's "Cold Days" and gave it to me Friday so I'm happy I have that to read. Yay! (Did I mention I love Jim Butcher? And also I always imagined his Codex Alera series would make a great series for television, and now seeing Game of Thrones, I think HELLS YEAH! If they can do that? Then then can do Codex Alera.)
Then again, that's just my opinion.

I think I've babbled on enough. Most of this post seems a little depressing for my taste, but it was how I've been feeling, and I want to be honest with y'all so... yeah. Hopefully next time will be a little more... peppy and upbeat.

In any case, I think I'll sign off now.

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!

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