Too Many Feels

*the following was written - stream of consciousness - about something that happened today - it was stuck in my mind so I thought I'd write it out - though as much (or as little) as it helped, this will be something most likely that I'll have to deal with for some time to come*

i imagine i was quite impressionable when i was young

i often think as times goes on how i turned out the way i have

though i'm continually a work in progress

always

i'm a lot more open minded than either of my parents

and even though my brother is more inclined to think like me

he has his own ways of life that work for him

leaving some of the things i do/say/feel/follow confusing him

perhaps that's because he's older, the gap of four years separating us

there were things i knew when i was little

things that bigger people would have tried to hide from me

on the other side of the coin, there were things that i didn't know

things not necessarily hidden from view

just not retained in memory

at best i remember the feelings rather than the events

emotions are tricky like that

able to bring you such joy but also such pain

its blade can cut deep

scarring even

my flesh was tender and i was cut many times

but as time went on, i stayed afloat

social pressures gutting me from time to time

but i survived

once i contemplated the finality of things

but that's all that it was

contemplation

i knew better

i wouldn't let the infamous them drag me down

i wouldn't let my thoughts turn on me

get the better of me

i would win this battle

a battle i struggle with every day

at best to my core i believe in being a good person

that has always been a mainstay of my life

though what is good for one may not be for someone else

but i'm a firm believer in finding your own path

what works for you

and then one day following it

it can be a difficult path to find

even more difficult to follow

perhaps i can handle it since i'm bigger

perhaps wiser?

but i still struggle with right and wrong

and feeling comfortable in my own skin

this affliction pains many

some strong enough to deal with it

weight the odds and come out on top

while others get buried in the chaos

i had a rather harsh crying fit today

spawned from feeling so much for someone i love

someone i love very much

someone who is not able to fight this fight

the fight i fight with every breath in my chest

with every beat of my heart

i fear they may falter in the strength

and let the darkness take them

to be positive is what i must do

to champion this younger vessel with such a large heart

and loving soul

the news of such torment would have been easier to bear

if it had been a broken bone

those mend in time

this, too, will take time

and i must be patient

we all must

for it always gets worse

before it gets better

but it will get better

it just pains me that someone so small

so innocent

so young

to be plagued with these demons

my mind goes to hopeless places

i guess since there is no magical spell i can cast

to free them of this torture

i want my little weirdo back

i want them in one piece

please give her back to me

untouched

unharmed

and just as lovely as the first day we met

please?

...

...

...

please

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae