Friday, September 18, 2015

Too Many Feels

*the following was written - stream of consciousness - about something that happened today - it was stuck in my mind so I thought I'd write it out - though as much (or as little) as it helped, this will be something most likely that I'll have to deal with for some time to come*

i imagine i was quite impressionable when i was young
i often think as times goes on how i turned out the way i have
though i'm continually a work in progress
i'm a lot more open minded than either of my parents
and even though my brother is more inclined to think like me
he has his own ways of life that work for him
leaving some of the things i do/say/feel/follow confusing him
perhaps that's because he's older, the gap of four years separating us

there were things i knew when i was little
things that bigger people would have tried to hide from me
on the other side of the coin, there were things that i didn't know
things not necessarily hidden from view
just not retained in memory
at best i remember the feelings rather than the events
emotions are tricky like that
able to bring you such joy but also such pain
its blade can cut deep
scarring even
my flesh was tender and i was cut many times

but as time went on, i stayed afloat
social pressures gutting me from time to time
but i survived
once i contemplated the finality of things
but that's all that it was
i knew better
i wouldn't let the infamous them drag me down
i wouldn't let my thoughts turn on me
get the better of me
i would win this battle
a battle i struggle with every day

at best to my core i believe in being a good person
that has always been a mainstay of my life
though what is good for one may not be for someone else
but i'm a firm believer in finding your own path
what works for you
and then one day following it
it can be a difficult path to find
even more difficult to follow
perhaps i can handle it since i'm bigger
perhaps wiser?
but i still struggle with right and wrong
and feeling comfortable in my own skin

this affliction pains many
some strong enough to deal with it
weight the odds and come out on top
while others get buried in the chaos

i had a rather harsh crying fit today
spawned from feeling so much for someone i love
someone i love very much
someone who is not able to fight this fight
the fight i fight with every breath in my chest
with every beat of my heart
i fear they may falter in the strength
and let the darkness take them
to be positive is what i must do
to champion this younger vessel with such a large heart
and loving soul
the news of such torment would have been easier to bear
if it had been a broken bone
those mend in time

this, too, will take time
and i must be patient
we all must
for it always gets worse
before it gets better
but it will get better
it just pains me that someone so small
so innocent
so young
to be plagued with these demons
my mind goes to hopeless places
i guess since there is no magical spell i can cast
to free them of this torture

i want my little weirdo back
i want them in one piece
please give her back to me
and just as lovely as the first day we met

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!

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