Monday, September 21, 2015

If My Insomnia Was Bad Before...

artwork by Kerby Rosanes
I haven't always had trouble sleeping. In fact, I have been told by people that I am quite the peaceful sleeper. (Once woke up to a boyfriend - ex now - who was watching me sleep. When I asked why, he said, "I couldn't tell if you were breathing or not. You looked so peaceful.")

I decided to take that as a compliment.

It wasn't until the early 2000's that sleep became an issue. I mean, don't get me wrong - I can sleep. My work schedule lately has been weekends off, and usually Sundays have been spent sleeping almost all day - with random bouts of wakefulness to pee or whatever.

It's grown worse over the years. It's always fluctuated from having "a little trouble sleeping" to "tossing and turning and waking up groggy from not-so-great sleep" to "oh look, the sun's up."

I have my iPhone set to various alarms out of paranoia. I have them set for 5-minute intervals with different noises so just in case the lack of sleep keeps me from getting up, there are other alarms in place to be just as bitchy. I used to set about 5 in a row, but now I've whittled it down to 3. So that's something, right?

I've moved a lot over the past few years, and my sleep-rollercoaster has had a few twists and turns -the last place I lived being the worst. I was renting a room, and it was fine in the beginning, but over the course of living there for a few years, my sanity was quite on the grumbly side (and everyone knows I'm crazy already).

So now when I finally got my own little niche of the world (aka my very own studio apartment), I had figured that I would finally get some decent sleep since the only drama I'd be bringing to the table would be my own. For the most part living by myself has been rather nice. Lonely at times, but overall, I'm happy, and even though my insomnia is still around, I do think I sleep better.

And then last week, crap happened.

Even though I usually say whatever the frak I want to say here since it's my own little niche of the internet world, I'm going to keep quiet about the specifics for now if not forever since it has nothing to do personally with me, per se, aside from the fact that the person involved is someone I love very much and who is extremely important to me.

With that said...

Last week Thursday was a crappy day for me. It started off with me being about 2 hours late to work since my phone - for whatever reason - did not wake me up. I woke up, reached over to check the time on my phone, and the screen was completely black. I then squinted at the microwave across the room, and saw the time. Pissed and panicked, I got up and started frantically getting ready for work. I managed to get my phone working again - I think it died, wasn't completely plugged, or something - and saw a missed call from work and a text from my co-worker/supervisor. I immediately texted him back letting him know I was on my way and that I'd skip lunch (obviously). I was at work in 15min, and was rushing so fast, I forgot my vitamins. As soon as I was at my desk and logged into everything, I was on all the customer chats (since it didn't seem like anyone else else was taking them). It did upset me a bit, but then I decided it was part of my penance for being late. Since I was on so many chats, I didn't answer or make any calls until the chats calmed down, and I could relax.

Around 4pm, I was getting hungry and decided to heat up the lunch I made and eat it at my desk while I worked. But then I got a text from a family member wanting to talk to me about something. I said I was at work and couldn't really talk. Then when I re-read the texts I was sent, I got worried, told the three ladies who were closing (everyone else in the department had left for the day) that I had to make a call - family issue - and I wasn't sure how long I would be. They said it was fine, not to worry.

I took my drink outside and went to my car which was parked by the curb near the backdoor of where I work. I set my drink on the trunk and called my family member.


During the call, listening to all the stuff that they were saying, I got sad, and it wasn't until I got off the phone and set my phone on the trunk, that I lost it. I completely and utterly lost it. There were some drivers somewhere behind me talking and hanging out for a bit - they were there when I initially walked out and knew I was making a family call so they left me alone. But I just stood there and died a whole lot inside.

One of the drivers (Tom G) came by to check up on me. He rubbed my back and hugged me. Another driver/dispatcher (Melissa L) came by to check up on me, and she hugged me for a long time. I was trying to calm myself down enough to go back inside and get back to work. Yeah it was a slow day so in general there was no rush, but I had been late at the start of my shift and even though there was all this horrible-ness happening at the same time, my mind was telling me "Get back to work! You have responsibilities!"

Tom headed off to his delivery. Dispatcher Aaron C came by and he and Melissa talked me down to a calm level and cheered me up a bit - enough that I wasn't a sobbing mess. Still I walked in sniffling and immediately went to my co-workers to apologize for being gone so long. They didn't seem to fret which I thought was good, but I still felt bad.

Needless to say I was distracted the rest of the day. I had texted Jessie F to see if she was going to be home that night, but her phone had died and apologized for not being there for me. She still doesn't know what's up, and I haven't seen her since to talk to her about it. I had debated on treating myself to a movie since I thought that being home alone marinating in my emotions would be a bad idea, but that's what I ended up doing in the end. I came home and cleaned and cooked and read and wrote some... and drank. (I finished off the bottle of rum in my freezer, the one I had used to make rum balls for my friend Melody J's birthday party... I want to say there was about a little more than half of a 750ml bottle left, but with my tolerance levels, it didn't do much except give me a temporary liquid band-aid to numb the pain a bit.

Since then my appetite has lessened, and my sleep has been dumber than usual.

Friday distractions included work and helping Lailani B with some baby shower decorations for the next day. (I ended up leaving her place around 5-6am.)

Saturday distractions consisted of A LOT of sleep, a massage, and then dinner at a new seafood place with Jon S. (Haven't seen him in a while, so it was good to hangout a bit.)

Sunday distractions were lots of sleep, some texting with Jessie, and then some eventual grocery shopping. (Of which I forgot oats and garbage bags.)

Distractions. Ugh. I don't know if anyone else is like this, but (for me) when something bad is happening to those I care about -and I mean *REALLY* bad - I feel bad for cracking a smile here or there or laughing at something or anything. It's like... how can I feel good about something when something bad is happening?

In the past few days, I've had some smiles and laughs - not a lot but some - and all I really want is for the "bad thing" to not be a bad thing anymore. When I'm not at work or out and about on errands or whatever, and my mind is left alone to wander, it wanders to the "bad thing." And it makes me sad. Phrases like "it's going to get worse before it gets better" don't make me feel any better even though I know that's usually the case with things. And it's not just that I want to stop feeling this way. I want the bad thing to stop, I want to be able to stop the bad thing, and make the person I love all better again... but that's not possible, and I hate it.

As I continue to write this, I have cooked lunch for today's work shift (which starts at 2pm). My blinds are closed, but the sun has completely come up, and I'm still awake. The only real "tired" I feel is emotionally, but I should really *try*and sleep. I also need to hit the store for the missing grocery items before work which I hope will be a good day since everything else feels like it's gone to shit.

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!

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