Feeling A Little Lost...

I just want to be perfect.

-Nina Sayers from the movie "Black Swan"

This morning while getting ready for work, I heard my landlady's husband talking to the dogs... and it made me think of a joke I'd heard a long time ago on TV by a male comic. It was about baseball coaches slapping their players on the ass in a "good game" kind of way. Just a quick slap, lasting barely a second. The joke was if the coach were to slap a player's ass and then leave his hand there - longer than necessary.

My landlady's husband most of the time talks to the dogs in baby speak.  A little is fine. A lot? Prepare for me to projectile vomit onto your face.

Sound travels well in my house - mostly due to almost all hardwood floors leaving nothing to buffer random noises. From my room (where I chill and hide out most times when I'm home), I can hear every baby talk, snore, dog yap, argument, phone, sneeze, etc... and it can get annoying.

Lately my insomnia has been winning the battle over my sanity (which usually gets bulled about my craziness). I've just been having the worst luck lately falling asleep at a decent hour and then when I do happen to conk out into the blackness, I never seem to get restful, uninterrupted for longer than a few hours.

This morning I got a text message from a friend which woke me up an hour before my alarm was to go off... which was fine... but then the dogs started to bark at NOTHING AT ALL so I just laid quietly in bed silently plotting the demise of no one in particular since that's what lunatics do. Perhaps one of these days, I'll just pick someone randomly out of the phone book and bludgeon them with a rock that I've painted with the phrase For the love of GAWD! Why won't you let me SLEEP!?!?!?

SHUT THE FRAK UP!!!

The text was from Jim G following up on kitty-sitters for the time he and his wife Leah G will be out of town for the holidays. I work all week and my plan is to leave work Saturday (a closing shift) and head straight to Fresno where I'll have the next couple days off until Christmas Day where (yes, you see where this is going) I work at 5pm... which means I'll have to leave no later than 1pm (to give me enough time for traffic, etc) to get to work on time. I work the following day as well but it's one of those midday types where I start late in the morning and head home late in the evening (though I don't close that night so yay me). Jim G and Leah G had sent a message to me and Scheherazade K to see if either of us would be able to take care of the kitties (one of their four kitties needs an insulin shot twice a day). I laid out my schedule to say I could do the evenings of Christmas and the day after. The text I got this morning was to confirm that I could do Christmas night after work and the morning after (since they'd be home that night).

In reality, I could do it, but due to the lack of (quality) sleep I've been getting lately... plus the driving several hours back to town only to head straight to work... and then close... and then head to their place to take care of the cats... I selfishly just want to sleep in (or try to) until I have to work the next day. And then thinking about it, I want to be of a sound mind when I go there because feeding is one thing. Filling a syringe with medicine from a phial and then shooting it into the correct cat? Sure... the kitty in question is black, an obvious contrast to the others, but still... I have these odd jokey thoughts that I'll stab a pillow and leave the house thinking I'd taken care of everything.

I just think it'd be better if someone a little more awake and clear-headed would be a better choice. I told him it would be better to see if Scheherazade K could do the morning after Christmas, but as it was, she was doing the other days I couldn't and yet to confirm with them that she was a definite "yes". I said I'd do it if she couldn't, but I'm really hoping she can. When originally asked via Facebook message thread, she said she had to check with her boyfriend. Not sure what plans they have, but if they are staying in town, I think it'd be easier if she did it, but then again I don't know her man too well or his familial ties so perhaps they are going out of town.

In any case, I'll ping Jim G before the week is up to see what the dealio is. I just want to make sure the kitties are taken care of.

(looks over what I've just written and wonders how it relates to writing)

Ah! (epiphany)

It relates since I've had a lot on my plate to plan for as well as budget and plan... and that doesn't include the little holiday get-togethers.

Ohhh, last Saturday I opened at work... which means I have to be at work at 7am... which means I have to get up at 5am to get ready - mostly for my hair as well as maneuver around housemates. I hadn't slept well/much the night before and was trying to will my energry drink and coffee to wake my ass up, but I almost nodded off at the desk since so early in the morning NOTHING was happening... which is usually fine, but I needed to keep my mind working to keep me awake. I tried writing, but I was so damn exhausted, I just stared at my story blogs and the blinking cursor daring me to do something but knowing very well I was a zombie.

At 2pm, I headed to my friend Alithea's family's house for Tamale Day. I stopped in to say hello and see the new house. Kathy W and Steve C were there, but they eventually left to try and get some holiday stuff done before Kathy W flew out (this morning) to Ohio (I think). I almost passed out at the house and hot cocoa night wasn't until 7pm so I thought about taking a nap, but I knew if I did, I'd be out for the rest of the day. I left Tamale Day (with some tamales thanks to Terrie S, Alithea S's mom), and headed to Jess F's and Dawn S's place. When more people started to arrive, I woke up a little but when they left, I needed to head home and go to bed.

TIRED!

I skipped out on going to Ron O's hockey game since I was trying to take full advantage of my only day off until I leave for Fresno. I was off Thursday, but one of my co-workers had an emergency so I'm taking the first half of her shift to help out. In turn, she's taking the closing half of one of my shifts the following week. Not a bad trade, and I'm always willing to be helpful when I can.

The day off was spent failing at several places in search of presents for my family (since they were the only ones I could afford to shop for due to budget constraints). I went to three stores and even ventured to the mall where there was a bomb scare just a day or so before. I walked about looking for shops that carried what I was looking for and nope... nothing. I ended up buying ONE thing after spending the entire day driving about so at least it wasn't a total loss.

The next three days I worked until 8pm. On the way home, I stopped off at a couple places and acquired a few more items. Yesterday was spent looking for one particular item and finding that the store I wanted to go to either closed or moved locations since the building was completely empty. Too tired to function any more, I grabbed some grub and headed home. Today after work I got the last few items though I'm thinking of looking for one last thing... maybe.

And then of course there's wrapping.

And then packing.

And sleeping?

I have ideas milling about in my head, but nothing has really seeped through my fingertips, onto the keyboard, and onto the electronic page as proof of my mental milling. 

Instead of being creative, I have found that I've been sensitive and moody at times when I'm usually not and bummed more often than I'd care to be. Sometimes I'm plagued with moments of "Why do I - or should I - even bother?" or "I'm never going to finish this" and other oh so literary wrist slashing talk to the point of hanging up my wordsmithery and storytelling cap up for good.

And the sensitive crap. I occasionally feel like I'm getting picked on... A LOT! My friends and I jib-jab each other every once in a while. It's one of many ways we show we care, and we know we mean it in jest, but lately it's like I feel I'm being pinpointed specifically or the joking is more mean than joke. It's not though my current mood is trying to convince me otherwise.

I also seem to not be taking well the good things happening to people I know. I am truly happy for them, but there's that small part of me that feels like a failure... even if it's something I'm not into or know nothing about.

I have been paid various compliments lately that I drop in the "good things" bucket. I've been told that I'm fun and funny and have surprised people in saying I just babble on saying whatever comes mind and not purposely TRY and be funny. (I do like making my loved ones laugh and smile... well, even people in general. It warms me.) I've been told I'm helpful, that I'm detailed, that I take charge when needed. I've been told that I'm talented. I've shocked and amazed people (which shocks and amazes me) and been told that I'm talented and clever. I'm also told that I'm loved and appreciated and that I'm awesome and I rock.

So why the mood?

I blame the lack of sleep. That's got to be it.

I mean... what else could it be?

Whatever it is, I want it to go away so I can go back to that vague grey between the two emotional poles where I usually dwell - still feeling bummed with sprinkles of happiness - still dreaming of being the popular girl but settling to be just a girl that has some popular aspects about her.

Some would call that mediocrity. Some would be right.

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

Wanted: Writer Viagra!!!

My life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes. That's a sentence I read once and I say it over to comfort myself in these times that try the soul.

-Anne Shirley from "Anne of Green Gables"

It's Monday! I'm at work snacking on white cheddar popcorn after eating a blueberry bagel and am washing the popcorn goodness down with a Monster Rehab energy drink.

Ha! Monster Rehab. That paints an interesting image. Like that Celebrity Rehab show with Dr. Drew but instead he's surrounded by Dracula, Frankenstein's monster, the Mummy, etc, sitting in a round of chairs.

Dracula: (to the group) Hello. My name is Dracula, but you can call me Vlad. 

Group: (to Dracula) Hi Vlad!

Dracula: I have a taste for blood, the fresher the better, but lately the cravings are starting to consume me, run my life... and I don't like the man it's turning me into.
(Group applauds)

Dr. Drew: (to Dracula) Well done, Vlad. Good share.

Anyway...

Guess what folks? No story blog updates for today. The holidays have had me running around like the proverbial crazy headless chicken, and I am quite the tired little Fro-beastie. And if that wasn't enough, due to my biological calculations, I should be experiencing "power loss" soon. I can already feel it all over my bodies, especially in the already problematic established aches and pains from previous accidents and mishaps. (Frak YOU, lower back and that icky car accident all those years ago.)

And as if THAT is not enough, I think I may be coming down with a cold. (Tis the season, right?) The only sick person that I know that I was exposed to was Renee M. (I hung out with Chris M last week while she was at work, and on our way back was when I found out that she'd been sick. Took Chris M to the store to get soup fixings and medicine for her, and I came in to say hello. She said she didn't think she was contagious anymore, and she did seem better, but her cough and sniffles made me want to hug her until she slept -- which she eventually passed out on the couch while Chris M and I played video games.)

I don't necessarily think I got sick from her. Right now, it's just a slight nose/throat thing. I've had it before, and what I'm experiencing now is usually the gist of the usual crap when this happens. It's like where my nose and throat meet, but it feels like it's right behind my nose and then much lower in my throat. It feels like I've got a glob of something behind my nose that has a bunch of gravel in it, and every time I swallow, I can feel it. Sometimes on a discomfort scale, it's a 2 or 3 and sometimes it's a 6 or 7 (never a 10), but what kind of meds do you take for that? I have my nose sniffer as well as lozenges, but how do you kill that feeling?

Found this recipe for sore throat juice thing that you put several ingredients in a jar, screw the lid back on, shake then drink. It looks like hot sauce though I don't think there's any hot sauce kind of things in it. It's supposed to help with sore throats and nip coughing in the bud quick. I remember seeing this around the time a bunch of people were getting sick - coughing, etc, all around me. I was coughing, too, but it was a pesky cough that would not go away from a cold I had a month prior. (What is up with those lingering coughs? They suck ass!)

In something of writing news, I dreamed part of my LEVERAGE fan-fiction last night. I vaguely remember it, but it had to do with me (playing the character that I created for the story), Eliot, Parker and Hardison. The situation is that we head into a vault-type room, me and Eliot beat the crap out of anyone who gets in our way, Hardison hacks into the security system to disable it (by creating a blackout on the level/area we're on), and Parker snags the thing we need from the vaulty-thing. Problem is, some backup security measures kick in causing a safety wall to come down separating me and Eliot from Parker and Hardison. The "blackout" Hardison created will only last for so long, and he can't seem to get the door open. Also lasers start shining through the area blocking us from what we need to get to. So Parker tells me that I have to do it. (The com-convo goes a little like this.)

me: Parker, you need to get over here.

Parker: I can't. I won't make it in time.

me: But you're the only one that can do this.

Parker: You can do it.

me: Me? What makes you think *I* can do this?

Parker: It's all about balance, strength and concentration. (pause - thinking) You took gymnastics.

me: Yeah, like ten years ago.

Parker: Well, it's like riding a bike, right?

me: NOOOOOO...!!!

Yeah. And that's all I really remember.

I was chatting with my brother on Facebook just a second ago. I had messaged him last night about my holiday travel plans. (With jobs that I've had, I usually pack my car, head to work and then leave straight from work to visit family. Problem was my previous jobs were Monday to Friday, 8am-5pm type jobs The office job I have now is technically retail, and this year the owner decided not to close for the holidays - which a number of us thinks is STUPID. Also I close a lot - which means I stay here until 9:15pm is everything goes well, later if it doesn't. So like with Thanksgiving, I will be leaving from work - a closing/late shift - then since I work at 5pm on Christmas Day will be heading back no later than 1pm that day heading straight to work from out of town.)

Yeah... isn't all that just great? (sarcasm)

I guess my brother was working from home today because my wonderful niece Bella wanted to talk to me. (The following is from my brother.)

Bella is here. Hold on...

"I want to give you a present and you open it only on Christmas Eve and be a good girl and listen closely. This is a good deal. Signed, Isabella to Auntie Rachel."

Exact quote.

I asked her "Anything else you want to say?" She replied, "No, my thoughts were done."

My GAWD!!! She is the cutest!!!

Getting back to writing...

I get the feeling that I'll be behind on my updates for another month or so. Too much going on. Plus energy levels are way low. I'm hoping that'll change in the coming months. As it is, when the holidays come around, time and energy just shoot out the window. Then again, was listening to the Nerdist Podcast with Tina Fey and how she wrote "Bossy Pants"... and then I feel dumb and unaccomplished again.

But I'm trying to be optimistic about 2013 as well as my writing. And that's a good thing... right?

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

A-Babbling I Go...

When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep... and you're never really awake.

-Narrator from "Fight Club"

It's Friday, and I'm tired.

I closed last night at work, and then I went to the mall to meet up with friends to see the midnight IMAX 3D showing of THE HOBBIT. Work was crap toward the end of my shift (stupid rude people)

By the time I got home, it was maybe 3am... and by the time I actually forced myself to sleep since I wasn't truly tired to pass out, I think I managed to get three hours... ish... before I had to get up and get ready for work. I stopped off at an AM/PM to get some energy drinks, downed the first almost completely before I got to the office, and then headed into work. It was a little busy for the most part... busy enough to keep my mind/body working to give the illusion of actually being awake, but then I was mailing postcards - attaching address labels and stamps. The meaty part of my right palm feels like it's on the brink of growing a knot from all the adhesing I was doing.

But enough about my work stuff. On to writing stuff.

November story blogs I still need to update...

• The Curly Muse
• a boy, a girl, and a line...
• Stoically Challenged (which I still need to work on September and October as well)

Then of course there's all of December that I haven't even started.

*headdesk*

I've also been plagued with LEVERAGE fan-fiction. Not sure why. It's more of an idea since I have no idea how to work the mechanics of one of their cons, but then again, my mind - the writer spirit in me - wants to write out the stories that I've conjured up in my noggin. The idea I had was for a character to add to the group just for a season, like a sub-plot story bit. I had an idea for something similar for season four of CHUCK, but I never really worked on it. 

Even though I've written some fan-fiction in the past (either simply for myself or for the random gift to someone per request), I don't feel comfortable playing in someone else's sandbox. I'm not crapping on anyone's parade that writes it. I've read some, and it's entertaining, but as for me? I just can't really wrap my head around it.

I'd rather create my own stuff... and lots of it.

With that being said, I need to work on my novels soon. Perhaps at the beginning of the year. I have a lot of stuff that I plan on starting at the beginning of the year. Right now, plotting my life and the holidays and dealing with the amount of time and energy I have to write these days? Damn. It's hard. 

Maybe I just need to start taking crack? That'll keep me awake, right?

In all seriousness, I'm hoping that my plans for next year are not just some dumb New  Year's Resolution that is just going to fall by the wayside like most resolutions do. I have plans... things I'd like to do and accomplish next year... the sooner the better.

If you haven't guessed by now, this is me trying to be positive and psych myself into positivity. You think it's working?

Anyway, that is all for now. Hopefully my next (Monday) post will have lots of writing updates in it. (Praise Jeebus!)

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

Not Much In the "Accomplished" Department

Being a writer is like having homework every night for the rest of your life.

-Lawrence Kasdan

So here I am trying to keep up with the "Monday/Wednesday/Friday" thing. Yeah, this is only the first week I've been doing this... so let's see how this goes.

First up? Update stuff.

• Noemi is at part nineteen with "The Truth & Nothing But... "

And the crowd's rejoice from my one update accomplishment. Woo hoo!

Yes, that was sarcasm.

Nothing much to report at the moment. Today was my day off which I spent mostly resting (take that insomnia) as well as getting over a slight sinus migraine that has been plaguing me off/on for the past few days. It comes and it goes, and I just wish it would stay gone.

Spent some time with my friend Chris M (who is car-sitting for two of his niece's friends who are just lovely ladies). Taxi'd the ladies to the train station where Chris M and I parted company with them and headed for coffee. We hung out at Starbucks (where I tried their Cranberry White Chocolate Mocha, minus the whip... quite tasty). After several hours of socializing and talking about games, writing and filmmaking, we headed to the grocery store to pick up some soup fixings for his lady Renee M who is sick but still bussing it to/from work everyday. Once back at their apartment, I went inside to see Renee M (who swears she's no longer contagious), and we chatted, had tea, a little soup, and while she napped on the couch after we watched some Torchwood, Chris M let me play some Uncharted: Drake's Fortune. I had never played the franchise before although I was familiar with it. He has all three games, and my progress on the first one is currently saved for when next we have a game day.

After I left, I hooked up with Lailani B, and we grabbed some grub (the soup hadn't quite hit the spot for me). I picked her up, and we headed to a late night Asian joint where we had fried rice, chicken and chow fun. I had a Spanish coffee which was very tasty. The dude that was helping us didn't know what kind of coffee it was since it was already made before he added the ice cream (yes my friends... ice cream). I was a little cold so I thought I'd order coffee to warm me up, but when it came to our table iced, I didn't mind. Its tastiness won out over its temperature.

Afterwards, I went home, and here I am.

The night before I put the minibook away and propped open my notebook to jot down some story ideas and apparently passed out. (Yay me!) I think I woke up several times thinking the previous times I woke up were dreams, but I'm starting to think they weren't. Then I had to pee so when I made myself get up, it was then I noticed the sky starting to lighten. When I got back to my room, I checked my phone, and it was around 6am. Admitting defeat (and that I was quite tired), I put the writing stuff away and called it a night.

I woke up a couple times due to housemates and dog's barking, but then my sinuses were tight, and there was a pang at the back of my head that really wasn't nice so I laid down, cuddled with my cat and eventually passed back out. When I woke, I got in touch with Chris M, made plans, showered, headed on over to his place... and the rest is history (or actually already covered earlier in this post).

I'm hoping I'll be caught up with my story blogs by the end of the month. As it is, I'm already trying to schedule social time, holiday trip time, shopping around work and failed attempts at writing.

So I'm a month behind. It's not THAT depressing...

*breaks a metaphorical empty beer bottle against the wall and shoves the imaginary jagged bits into my gut*

Okay, so yeah... it IS that depressing. But I'm getting there, right? That's the positive flip to all this.

Tomorrow I close and then after work, I'm meeting up with some friends to catch the midnight showing of The Hobbit. (Aww yeah, letting my nerd flag fly!)

I'm a little nervous since Friday is my first weekend opening shift. I've never opened before, and on the weekends, it's one person during the day and one at night. I've always been the night person. Why I've been given the day shift, I have no idea. (I also work the opening shift New Year's Day... which I've been joking that I'll most likely sleep a good portion of New Year's Eve away, head out to whatever party presents itself, and then afterwards head straight to work with a six-pack of Red Bull.) I just don't want to frak it up.

Okay, I think that's all I have for today. Sorry it isn't much, but at least it's something, right?

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

Wish I May, Wish I Might...

Rob: I'm tired of the fantasy, because it doesn't really exist. And there are never really any surprises, and it never really...

Laura: Delivers?

Rob: Delivers. And I'm tired of it. And I'm tired of everything else for that matter. But I don't ever seem to get tired of you, so...

-from the movie "High Fidelity"

So here we go. Trying to do this Monday, Wednesday, Friday thing that I proposed in my last post.

Woo hoo! Look at me and my follow through. I'm awesome.

In any case, let's do the update thing, shall we? It's not as impressive as the last post due to me updating everything from the past few months, but hey... it's something dammit. *shakes proud fist weakly into the air*

• Arwyn is at part fifteen
• Blue is at part thirty

See? What did I tell you? Not that impressive. (For some reason, I want to make a "I'm a grower, not a shower" joke, but I'll leave it alone for now.

I'm currently at the office on my lunch so I'm trying to get this post done as quickly as possible due to wanting to try and work on something else before the hour is up. I am being simple eating a bagel and drinking some Dunkin Donuts coffee that a co-worker made and shared with me that I added a packet of hot chocolate to.

Oh yeah, can you hear the cellulite cheer at the extra fat coming its way?

If you haven't guessed by my tone, I'm not in the best of moods which perhaps is effecting my writing. (Gee, Eintstein, ya think?) Usually in my gloomier moods, poetry just seeps out of me, but I guess at this moment in time I'm just not bummed enough. 

As far as regular writing goes, I keep thinking about my story idea for LEVERAGE, but that needs to cool itself while I get a grasp on the whole "I got two novels that need to be finished" thing.

I've also been tired a lot lately. Well, probably no more than usual, but Saturday I had a sinus migraine that if just left alone to rest would have gone away on its own, but my landlady and her husband were gone, and the dogs were barking at every little thing - piece of dust, people passing by, their own breathing, the ozone layer...

Man it was annoying.

I jumped ship, grabbed some grub and then headed to the cheapy theatres to watch a movie.

I've been in a mood for a while now... a slightly depressive dip happened last night when I got home from work when a friend texted me.

JessFace: Whatchoo want for 'mas?

me: (after starting/stopping/deleting snarky comments and really thinks about, replies honestly) Better.

JF: Sheesh. That's an awful lot of profundity. I thought you'd say socks or maybe a double-knit sweater. What'sa matter my love?

me: Sorry. Just in a bit of a mood. When you asked what I wanted, all I could thik of was a better this or that. (pause) No worries though. Gifts aren't necessary. Thanks for thinking of me though.

JF: I'm sorry you're feeling icky. I love you, and I'd fix it in a fart beat if I could. (I think she meant "heartbeat", but either's appropriate here.) -- Well, I'm going to get you SOMETHING no matter what. It's up to you whether it's something you actually like or something totally dumb and a waste of my monet!

me: Monet?

JF: *money. I don't have any classic paintings.

me: I trust you honey. If you get me something, I'm sure whatever you get me will be dandy.

JF: 6 foot inflatable vag it is!

me: You make me think of the cat in the J&S's house for Halloween. (the giant decorative inflatable kind)

JF: Haaa! Well, I'm sure I can find a black one for you.

me: Sweet!

Okay, so perhaps I didn't need to include the whole thing, but I figured the first half was Bummersville, and that the latter half would make up for the first half.

I just feel a little stuck, and that bothers me. I seem to have plateued years ago to where I am now. Actually, I was a little better, but I feel like I'm stuck in this place and can't seem to pass it (and I really want to). I want more, I want a life that seems fuller than what I have now. There are selfish things that I want like a better complexion and a slimmer figure to the point where I can fit into a single number size item or be comfortable in a medium-sized t-shirt. There are other things that I want... like to be more financially stable/secure, to have some of the life I had before, to have more energy, to have my own place, to have my car fixed, to pay back my debts...

Then there's personal, lonely stuff that's in its own catergory.

Back when I first moved here and was looking for work, I was available for whatever. But that's what being jobless affords you: availability. But then when I got the job at the bookstore, I was psyched. It was a BOOKSTORE for frak's sake. The only step up from that would be working for PIXAR or ILM or a game company doing voices, etc.

But over time whether it be my weird all over the place schedule versus my lack of transportation at the time, people just stopped asking me to hang out. It wasn't because they didn't like me. I keep thinking it was because they got used to me saying "no" because I was working a retail job.

Now I'm experiencing some weird combo of available and not available responses. Now that I have a job that doesn't have a set schedule, I get people calling or texting me asking me what I'm up to or if I want to hang out. I simply say "at work" and that's usually that. Also due to being scheduled for a lot of closing shifts, I'm stuck sleeping during the day to prep for my next evening shift. And I work for a delivery company so for closing shifts, I need to stick around until the last driver is done. Sometimes that's around 9pm. Sometimes it's later.

I'm just getting touchy, feeling like I'm missing out on stuff. I've been missing out on my weekly Thursday and Monday night meetings. And then being as out of the loop as I feel, I see posts on Facebook of my friends going off and doing stuff with each other, and I feel mixtures of jealousy and anger - not intense high levels and never at them, but I just wish I can be a part of stuff.

I guess it stems from that popular thing I've always wanted. I think I was popular back in Kindergarten, but other than that, I've always been the chic who's good for a laugh or a dirty joke or will watch your pets or water your plants or...

Never mind. I'm babbling. And whining. And being stupid.

I don't mind doing these things. My friends have been there for me when I really needed a pick me up or a hand. They've shown me a lot of love in my times of need, and it makes me almost tear up when I think about how awesome they are.

I just want to be the big deal for a change. I want my life to be a big deal. I want to feel bright and shiny... and not just when I'm with my friends or my family. I want to feel good when I'm by myself, and I can't recall the last time I felt that way. Normally I distract myself with Hulu or YouTube, but when it's just me and my cat - no noise to distract my thoughts and feelings - I feel... meh.

And I'm tired of feeling meh.

Everyone around me seemed to be at the same spot and we were just working our little mojo and getting more and more juice in life, but now everyone seems to have drank the turbo and I'm left in the dust.

So to speak. (Did any of that before make any sense? If not, you can blame that whole stream of consciousness crap.)

Anyway, my lunch hour is almost up, so I need to sign off on this post. But yeah, to make it come full circle, I feel like this mood that I'm in is hindering my writing... or maybe there's just nothing there. Sorry to sound all Emo-dumb, but you've all caught me during an emotional low. Hopefully I'll be better next post or so.

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

What I Lack In Sleep...

Fade in on a girl

With a hunger for fame,

And a face and a name to remember...

-from the song "Let Me Be Your Star" from the television series "SMASH"

I REALLY need to get this posting thing in check. For goodness sake! Maybe I should do updates every... Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

What do y'all think of that? (And by "y'all", I mean all my imaginary subscribers that I pretend read this blog or any of my stuff.) *grin*

The last time I posted it was my birthday... (counts on fingers)... which was a couple weeks ago. My birthday timeframe was nice. As much as I would love a huge friend and family bash to celebrate my hella old ass's continual aging process, it's not going to work out since my day is so close to that of the feast of pilgrims, Native Americans, and turkeys... and people are usually preoccupied with planning for the holiday to have any spare time to have birthday cake. Though I will give props to those that reached out to me and wanted to spend time with me on my blessed day (they know who they are). The best part of my day was when my niece called and sang me "happy birthday". (I love that little lovely to pieces.)

Turkey Day was faboo! I left work the Wednesday before the holiday (which was around 8pm), made a pit-stop at 7-Eleven for drinks and snacks, and then headed to the 'No (aka Fresno), spent all day Turkey Day, then headed home Friday during the day since I worked a few hours closing at work. I worked the next day closing. After my shift, I headed back to Fresno since a co-worker asked me to swap with her which left me with three days off. Spent a lot of my holiday/days off with my niece who is the bestest little creature EVER!!!

But enough bragging. On to updates.

Oh crap! How to update in this post...

Okay, I'm just going to review since I've been behind on my updates for various reasons, and at present, I still have November updates and have not started on anything for December. *headdesk*

So, to review and update at the same time, the past few months went a little like this (in alphabetical order)...

• Arwyn: September - Part Thirteen; October - Part Fourteen; November - Part Fifteen
• Blue: September - Part Twenty-Eight; October - Part Twenty-Nine; November - Part Thirty
• Della: September - Part Eleven; October - Part Twelve; November - Part Thirteen
• Enyo: September - Part Nineteen; October - Part Twenty; November - Part Twenty-One
• Kai: September - Part Seventeen; October - Part Eighteen; November - Part Nineteen
• Kearie: September - Part Fifteen/Suspicions and Curiosities; October - Part Sixteen/Grasping for Sanity; November - Part Seventeen/Plan of Attack
• Nedea: September - Part Seventeen; October - Part Eighteen; November - Part Nineteen
• Noemi: September - Part Seventeen/Where to Now?; October - Part Eighteen/Piece of Pie; November - Part Nineteen/???
• Penelope: September - Part Fifteen/Mother Dearest; October - Part Sixteen/Four's A Crowd; November - Part Seventeen/???
• Sanya: September - Part Eighteen/In the Middle of Nowhere; October - Part Nineteen/Evading Pursuit; November - Part Twenty/Someplace New
• a boy, a girl, and a line...: September - Prompt 20/A Day with Gert & Bert; October - Prompt 21/Lost Soul Found; November - Prompt 22/???
• Stoically Challenged: September - ???; October - ???; November - ???
• The Curly Muse: September - Scene: After the Coffee Shop, Part Two; October - Scene: After the Coffee Shop, Part Three; November - ???
• Everything At Least Once: September - Blue Diamond Almond - Toasted Coconut; October - Angie's Kettle Corn; November - Cofresh Hummus Chips - Creamy Dill

Wow. That LOOKS like a lot for the past three months, doesn't it? It doesn't FEEL like a lot though. 

Anyway...

There isn't that much left to report really. Just wish that I had more energy than I do so I can write more and read more and just... DO more.

Seeing my family over the holidays was fabulous. Hanging with my niece is a really great mood pickup. I could hug her for days!

Maybe if I could just bottle that up so when I'm not around her and get in a mood, I can bring myself instantly out of it. Like one of those 5 Hour Energy Drinks that's comprised of my niece's awesomesauceness!!!

I shall talk to you smoochy boochies later.

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

Ahoy! There Is Writing Afoot!

Ginger: You're not too good at this golf thing, are you, Stan?

Stanley: You're fucking up my chi.

-from the movie "Swordfish"

Same thing can be said of me and my writing. *sigh*

It's been a while since I've posted.

Shame shame, every knows my name.

BAD WRITER!!! NO BISCUIT!!!

So let's going with the updatey stuff, shall we?

• Della is at part twelve and part thirteen
• Nedea is at part eighteen and part nineteen
• Sanya is at part nineteen with Evading Pursuit
• The Curly Muse is current with Scene: After the Coffee Shop, Part Three (still have no idea where this is going)
• Everything At Least Once got an Angie's Kettle Corn post as well as a Cofresh Hummus Chips - Creamy Dill post
• Kai is at part seventeen, part eighteen and part nineteen (most proud of this accomplishment since it was taking a while to review the story and make notes)

I also posted on here a couple times last month... so that's something, I guess.

I've also started updating November stuff, so that's an extra "booyah" to stick it my "giddyup".

(Yeah. Don't ask. I don't know where that came from.)

I'm behind on Stoically Challenged. As it turns out, I only have two homework assignments from Alithea S left. I'm trying to figure out if I want to retire that blog or continue with... something. I dunno.

In other news, NaNoWriMo is two-thirds over. I only personally know of one person who is participating in the novel writing extravaganza - my friend Aaron C. He's letting me read his work as he adds to it. (As it is, I'm behind on that, too, which I feel bad about, but he seems just fine regardless.) It's rather good. My attention is held throughout the story so huzzah to him as a first timer.

A part of me really wanted to do it this year, but I just had too much writing on my plate as is. Also with the holiday and today... it's always too much of a distraction. Maybe in the future when I've found my writing stride and have some author mojo going on...

I'm still looking at next year. We shall see.

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So... today is my birthday. Just gonna get that out of the way right now.

Nothing much happening today. To be honest, I kinda forgot about my birthday this year actually. I never really think of it during the year and then when November comes around, I think, "Oh, my birthday's coming up," and then go about my day like I just sneezed or something ordinary like that.

It's not that I don't think highly of myself (despite what some may think), but my birthday has been more unspectacular than spectacular in my life so I've grown to not make a big thing out of my day.

But then, there's that part of me that when the day actually arrives expects something to happen... something a little special.

The crappy thing about having a birthday so late in the year is that it mixes with the holidays. There were moments when festivities were postponed to doubley-celebrate it with Thanksgiving. Now with my mother's husband who's birthday is a few days after mine, we celebrate the holiday as well as both our birthday in which we usually get a cake with  both our names on it. I'm fine with sharing a cake, but it all just seems so lackluster.

Am I sounding selfish? I don't mean to be, I guess it's like that whole breakup thing. Things end for a couple and then the next time you see them and they're with someone, it stings a little. You don't care, but then you do. Same with my birthday. I'm leaning toward the not caring so much, but then I do a little bit when the day actually arrives.

In general, I'm a firm believer in a person's birthday being THEIR DAY! Meaning the day should be cool, fun and drama-free. They are the star of the show. Whatever crap you've got going on, tuck it away or don't come around if you might add doom and gloom to whatever the festivities may be.

I really should get off my soapbox now.

So in conclusion, I'm old. *curtsies*

Moving on....

Okay so plans for tonight seem to be heading over to Kathy W's for booze and movies. Dawn S, Jess F, and Ron O will most likely be coming over for company.

Right now I'm at work, and it's a little slow due to the holiday though we do get our crazy patches of business. In my opinion, you should get your birthday off as a paid holiday, but alas... I work today until 8pm. The only plus to working is that it's a little slow, and I get to work on my writing at a desk computer that doesn't hurt my back from sitting on my bed for too long.

Is that sad?

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae