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Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Fester, fester, fester. Rot, rot, rot.*

It's late, and I'm tired, and I REALLY should be asleep right now, but I keep not-blogging... so here I am.

I am SO not a shark. At least not lately.

I've been really tired lately. Tired and a little out of sorts. It's been difficult for me to focus, to convince - if that's the correct word - to do the things that I know that I need to do.

Work is sort of the only constant as of late. At work, I'm taking of business, getting the job done, and then usually heading home to - with good intentions - write or clean or read or SOMETHING productive. But nope.

What's that phrase? A body in motion?

(opens another tab to consult the internet)

Newtons First Law
  • An object that is at rest will stay at rest unless an external force acts upon it.
  • An object that is in motion will not change its velocity unless an external force acts upon it.
The first part is me when not at the office - the external force being the need to pee.

The second part reminds me of the car accident where the big asshole pickup ran the red and T-boned me. Granted, in this instance, I would have stopped on my own when I got to my mother's a couple blocks down the road, but the asshole pickup had other plans.

When trying to think of when this whole frakked-upness started, I can only think as far back as November. That was around the time I was stressing over the holidays - what to pack, when to leave, what to do - so I was already a little frazzled, as I usually am during the holidays. This was also around the time my sister-in-law's mother passed away. I'm not sure if that was direct catalyst or just added gas to the already burning fire of Newton's First Law upon my person, but I've been pretty blah ever since. 

And the shitty thing is, I know this. You know that whole "the first step to fixing the problem is admitting you have one" stuff? I got that. By leaps and bounds. I just can't the rest of me in gear to cooperate.

I'm lacking energy or motivation to do things. I find myself chanting things like "gotta do laundry" over and over again to make sure I actually do. Every once in a while I'll get that wild hair up my ass to do something, but it's usually late at night when I should be sleeping, but oh no - gotta do the dishes, throw the trash, sweep, mop, etc, etc...

I think I'm getting better though. It's a new year after all. Work is still work. Parts of it make me grumbly, but I'm happy I have a job and that I get along with most - if not all - the people I work with. And even though I get asked to do things on a regular basis, I feel it's because I'm trusted and thought of as reliable and responsible and all that. So that's a silver-lining of some kind.

Family still gets to me the way they always do, and I'm in denial that it will never change, and I'm going to have to accept it. It's not that I want people to change - I just want them to realize what they're doing and how it effects others and take the time to think before they speak/act. Yes, I know the intentions are well-meant, but for the love of gawd, if I had a nickel for every time the same thing/action/words have been repeated to the same result, I'd be crazier than I am now living in one of my many mountains made of nickels.

But yeah. I just need to find my mojo again... and not just for writing. I've been reading a lot more lately, but then again, that brings to mind a vlog I watched last month titled "Am I Reading for Enjoyment, or Escapism?" I've gone out and done stuff that wasn't errands, etc, but I've found that I've been heading home most of the time after work. I close on Mondays and then work until 7pm the rest of the week. Sure that's late, but it does leave me time to do some things. I've even entertained using a couple of my movie passes to see... something... but then I just end up going home. (And the movie theatre is just down the street from my work. WTF?!)

I'm currently reading "The Dreaming Place" by Charles De Lint, listening to "Mr. Mercedes" by Stephen King in my car, listening to "The Single Undead Mom's Club" by Molly Harper on my phone, and reading "Soil-Man" by my awesome and talented friend and fellow writer pal Oz Monroe on my Kindle. I even started a Libib account to keep track of the stuff I want to read and have read. (I'm still using Goodreads, too.)

My mind is racing with so much I want to do, to take care, to finish... but the self-starting push, the get-up-and-go, the fire under my ass... is missing.

Well, if Percy Jackson can find Zeus's lightning bolt...

And Stella can get her groove back...

Then I rekindle my relationship with my mojo. (FroMojo? Frojo?)

Anyway, time to really hit the sack this time. Talk to you later... and by later I hopefully mean soon.

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae



*Note: For those that don't know, the title of the post is a quote from the movie French Kiss. Such an adorable movie. Just thought it was a fitting phrase for my current life state of unflux.

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