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Sunday, June 9, 2013

I Am SO a Beautiful & Unique Snowflake... Aren't I?

This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.
-Narrator from the movie "Fight Club"
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I am Rae's frustration.

Guess where I am? (waits...) I'm at work. (Sorry if I didn't give you enough time to answer the question. It was one of those rhetorical ones, ya know?) There was a mix-up with one of the other girls leaving no one to close tonight so... here I am.

I'm a little bummed since I originally had today and tomorrow off, and (selfishly) tonight is the season three finale of GAME OF THRONES!!! But the awesome Jimbo & Leabo will be saving it for me so huzzah to my friends.

I am Rae's gratitude.

In other news, I actually wrote something I forgot to include in my prior blog post but oh well. I'll share it here.
I am quite proud of myself on that one. I actually have thought of what will be happening next for that story, and am a little excited to write it.

Still doodling in my notebook, but I think (trying not to get my hopes up) I'm getting my writing mojo back. It's slow and steady - like the adorable turtle - but I think it's there.

I am Rae's happy dance.

Been working on getting healthier, too. Been going for walks after work while listening to audiobooks to keep me company. (Don't worry. I'm very mindful of the shadows.) I downloaded a pedometer to my phone that monitors my steps and distance. Not too impressive yet, and I usually stop when my left leg pipes up saying it's time to head home. I bought some "workout" clothes so I can be comfortable when I walk... as well as some sneakers so I'm not abusing my only all-around all the time good pair. The new kicks gave me blisters when breaking them in so I think I'm going to take today off and let my feet rest.

I am Rae's fat ass.

Did not have the best time last night and this morning. My Landlady texted me last night while I was still at work to let me know her son would be sleeping over on the couch (which was fine since he stays over once in a while). I made a beeline for my room, changed into jammies and passed the frak out... or at least tried to. 

The older man that lives with us that my Landlady cares for has been sleeping with his door open lately (which none of us know why), and he snores like a chainsaw symphony on crack stuck on repeat with a booming sound system hooked up to his throat and nostrils.

And even when awake he's not a quiet guy.

So last night, I set my alarm, got everything ready for the next day, and tried for sleep. Captain Elderly Pants made it a little difficult to pass out even as tired as I was. Then in the morning, I heard him on the phone. It woke me up but then I managed to pass back out again. Then my landlady's dogs were barking up a storm. Again, managed to pass back out. I heard him yelling at the dogs trying to get them to be quiet, and even heard a comment of "I wonder how Rae can sleep through all this".

Awake-pass out-awake-pass out...

I am Rae's exhaustion.

To top off this entire joyous state of being I seem to have gravitated into, there are moments where I feel the beginnings of tears welling up behind my eyes. I guess it all started with the initial accident back in February (and all the reminders of how I could have died didn't really help either). But then weeping has always been my emotional outlet as of late. Stressed, mad, sad, lonely, frustrated, stuck, broke...

I am Rae's psychotic break.

There's too much going on in my world, and it feels like I don't have enough time to deal with it all as well as not having enough time or energy to do anything that I want to do - like write or read or whatever. Sleep is still illusive, and I think that the stress of life is turning me from a deep sleeper into a "waking up every hour to the slightest noise" sleeper.

Not sure I can remember when life had any kind of normalcy to it or when I wasn't so tense and grumpy and bummed...

I am Rae's pessimism.

In any case, I'm just trying to roll with the punches and not punch anyone in the process. In the meantime, I am dreaming of eating my feelings, washing them down with lots of alcoholic chasers while daydreaming of a better life filled with a smaller waist, a flatter stomach, unblistered feet, a regular steady job, a car that is my own, and not feeling like the world is out to get me.

Oh yeah. And write, too.

I am Rae's hope.

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

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