I'd Like a Coping Mechanism on the Rocks, Please?

"We seem to be made to suffer. It's our lot in life."
~C-3PO from Star Wars (1977)

Happy post-Halloween! 

I have candy!  I have bad skin!  I have a figure that would disgust a bovine!

Where the frak did that come from?

Anyway, I am currently in my room, ass slothily planted on the bed, my cat sitting on the bed with me.  I've got a lot on my mind (and shoulders) lately, and I'm trying to keep things under control.  So far I think I'm doing a good job keeping it together.  But really, there's only so much one gal can take.

I mean, I'm a BAMF for criminey sakes!!!

Don't frak with me or I'll bitchslap you like a headcrab!

Ever since the company I worked for many, many moons ago closed, I've been on a whirlwind of various dramas and stresses, and I wish things would just level out, you know?

In the midst of all this stuff I have to deal with (the most recent being my car - had to change out the battery), I keep thinking back on my writing and how I haven't really done anything.  I have one story blog left to update, and it feels like it's taking forever.  I was feeling so damn productive and then boom! - I have hit a wall.

I got stuck on how someone should die since per the prompt it was supposed to not be a random death but linked to something bigger.  Did I want her found dead at home or on the road on the way home?

Decisions, decisions...

Finally deciding on WHERE she will die, I just need to compile the HOW and the link to the other thing.

Yeah, check me out.  All kinds of vague and stuff.

I still need to figure out the bigger picture, but it's proving to be difficult.  Also my brain wants to turn this into something odd and possibly creepy, but I think I want to keep it relatively normal.  Meh, we'll see where things end up.

This is my "thinking" face.  One of MANY.

Having so much on my plate makes it difficult to focus on just one thing.  It feels like that variety act gig where the dude spins the plates on the end of poles, and he has to keep them spinning else they fall and break.

Hells yeah I have a potty mouth!  And?

Yeah, that's how it feels, but the reality of it is that I really don't give a shit if I break a dish.  (Yeah, that's right I said shit.  Problem?)

There are things that help me through my darker moments. 

Friends...

 

(left to right) Kathy, Janise and Alithea - October 2011

My kitty...

Nimitz (as in from David Weber's Honorverse, except my kitty's a girl)

Guns...

50-caliber machine guns (Aw hell yeah!)

Books...

I have a wide variety of literary interests.

Games...

I only wear the mask on special occasions.

Recently I found out that The Bloggess is now following me on twitter which makes me a little giddy since I think she's fabulous and funny.  We should totally be friends.  (So that was a little pick me up!) 

Kind of like when after taking my picture with Mulan at Disneyland several years ago, she said, "Have a nice day, Princess!"  (Yeah, it's kind of like that.)

Tee hee! Mulan called me "Princess"! *nerdsquee*

Today was a bit of a surprise since when I got home, I found a letter from my niece and sister-in-law waiting for me.  (Actually the letter was from my sister-in-law, the decorated envelope and other artwork was courtesy of my niece.) 

See? It's says "Auntie Rachel". (That's me!)

Either way, I can't help but smile where my niece is concerned.

Oh the cuteness!!! I just can't take it!!! (kisses image on screen)

Back to writing...

Usually when I'm bummed, those moments result in some really cool poetry.  When bummed turns to pissed, I've been known to write some serious "FUCK YOU!" stuff, but lately the well has run dry.  Some minor writing's happened, but nothing complete.  Just an idea here or there.  A few words.  Nothing much.

Yeah yeah... I'm sad, too.

I did figure something out in regards to an assassin character I had in mind.  It was a minor bit (regarding her wardrobe and its significance to the character... like why Bruce Wayne chose bats - that sort of thing), but that's nothing big.

I keep thinking of my novel.  I mean, here it is NOVEMBER, and I'm frakked!  I had that whole goal of being published by my 35th birthday, and guess what?  It's in 19 days.  (I don't see that goal happening.)

Alfred (trying to sound encouraging): Why do we fall-?

Me: (grumbling and shaking ice in an otherwise empty tumbler) Oh shut up and pour.

Oh alcohol.  Thank you for the temporary band-aid with which your magical elixirs provide.  Now quick.  Another round before reality sets back in.

I feel slightly accomplished with my story blog stuff so that's not too bad.  Granted I'm pseudo "publishing" myself via the internet, but that wasn't the goal to begin with.  Still, I've almost reached my goal regardless of all of life's distractions.  And I'm also working on adding a menu bar to this blog and making it so you (the lovely awesome reader who loves my stuff, reads it all the time, and cries out for more... or something like that) can find everything in one place. 

My friend Jess is helping me with some coding/layout/formatting issues.

Everyone say "Hi Jess!" (And not only is that a Rockstar, she's also happy to see you.)

The minibook I'm using at home runs on Linux and for some reason doesn't like anything I try to do.  Jess and I seemed to be in the same ballpark finally when it came to my main page, and we talked a little Sunday about it, but blogger as a whole seems to be frakkin me without so much as buying me a drink beforehand.

Bad blogger!  No manners!  You kiss your internet with that kind of mouth?  Sheesh!

I changed templates, tried to make my page look like my original page but now I can't see things as well as I used to or font choices are linked together instead separate per section you're working on...

And to top it off?  I had a moment at work so out of curiosity, I logged on to my page to see how it looked and some dimensions were off.  Some of the tabs decided to do their own thing.  Then error messages happened no saving stuff.

Really?  Really blogger?  Do you want me to hate you?  Do you want me to kill you?  Cuz I will.  I can SO choke a bitch.  Stop workin' my last nerve.  I will cut you! 

Now I've purged that dialogue from my system... (rolls eyes with apologies)

I'm hoping for some happy this week.  I'm hoping for some big happy that leads to more happy because I need it.  I deserve it.  I want this happy to evolve into security and who know? - perhaps further on into success.  That would be wonderful.

In the meantime, I'm still reeling from the text I got from my friend Margrit (aka Seester) tonight.

Dee Dee!!! (she knows what it means)

The lovely Margrit hates technology.  She's used computers, etc, in the past, but she's not into getting the new gadgets of the moment.  She had a pager for the longest time when I first met her, and she even hated that.  Now she has a phone and needs it for practical reasons.  Every once in a while if put in front of a computer, she will zone out on YouTube or something, but overall, she has no love for the technology world.

Like me?  I have techno-joy (to quote Eddie Izzard).  I will admit that I am not completely tech-savvy (hence the enlistment of Jess's awesome computer aide), but I like computers and game consoles and cell phones and digital cameras and GPS devices, etc, etc, etc.  Do I need all of the tech out there?  No.  But I can admire it and think its cool and nerd out about it.  Since I like computers and the internet, I have become my Seester's internet connection.  If something happens via Facebook or email, etc, and it's pertinent to her (like a party with our friends or something), I am to call her and let her know.  (Yes "call".  She doesn't text either... though she has been "once in a blue moon'ing" lately.)

But the text I got tonight?  She is now on Facebook.

Wait.  Did you feel that?  I believe hell hath frozen over.

Margrit: What is your Facebook account?  I'm on it now.
Me: (I text back my first and last name thinking "duh!" as I do so)
Margrit: Do you have a profile pic?
Me: Yes. Me in black next to an angel statue.  (<=== which it was at the time)
Margrit: Find me on Facebook. (she gives me her name)

When I got that text, I literally looked at my phone and said, "I know your name."  Then I found her and texted her, "Found you.  Friend request sent."  Then I noticed not only does she not have a profile pic, her profile is quite bare.  So I sent her a message asking if this was her, and she (or someone) wrote back yes.  I'm wondering how she could reply to my message and not accept my friend request?

Meh, it's late.  I'm sure it'll right itself soon.

Speaking of late, this post has turned as melty as an acid trip without the tabs.  I think I'm going to turn in and try to get some sleep before work tomorrow.  Hopefully my dreams will bring me good things that leave me well rested and morning smiles.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. -Unknown Author

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

Feeling accomplished and productive (And you?)

Tom Creo: There's been progress at work...
Izzi: [ laughs] My conquistador! Always conquering...
~from the film "The Fountain"

Well hello my lovelies!  Miss me?  (Oh shut up and humor me, will you?)

Now what has been happening in the Land of Oz since last we spoke?

There's been drama in my life, but then again - when hasn't there been, right?  Still, I'd prefer if it would leave me alone.  Like the lyrics from the Kelly Clarkson song "What's Up Lonely?" - just replace the theme of lonely with drama (and while we're at it, add stress in there as well).

But on more of a writer kick...

I have been writing.  Not a lot, really.  At least it doesn't feel like a lot.  In any case, I have been looking about my many "story blogs" (as I have been calling them lately), and I have noticed that most of them have been lacking mommy's attention.

(For those that don't know, I see my stories as my children which would make me their mother.  Got it?  Good.  Now that we're on the same page...)

Where was I?  Ah yes.

So every once in a while, a spark of inspiration (or something) has ignited something within me, and I have gone back to those stories and added onto them.  Now the original idea was that each story had it's own blog and ideally I would update them on a somewhat regular basis.  But then life and drama and insomnia and what-not got in the way, and my babies were left on their own leaving both of us sad.

As I added more and more to older stories and started revisiting my story blogs, I came up with a goal: that I would update all my story blogs so their most recent post would be as of this year.  Then once all of them had been made current, I would work on keeping them current on a more regular basis.

Sound challenging?  I think so.

All the story blogs that I had posted to this year I left alone and concentrated solely on really old ones.  When I went back, I was disappointed a little in myself since some hadn't been touched in several years.

Bad writer.  No donut.  (I've been indulging in some Psycho Donuts lately.  Yeah, this writer has a sweet tooth and LOVES her carbs.)

As of now, I have one story blog left to update to this year, and I'm all kinds of happy about that.  Every time I write something, I have shamelessly plugged myself (wow, did that sound dirty to anyone else just then?) on my Facebook and Twitter forgetting completely about my Google+ and various other networking sites.  I'm currently fixing that.

I want people to read me and subscribe to me and love me so I'm spreading myself around like the plague... but a happy plague filled with double rainbows and sunshine without babies in them and unicorns that know nothing of Candy Mountain... yet.

So while updating one particular site with what I'd written, I tried going back through my Facebook, but that was taking too long, so I just went through my story blogs and shared my progress.

Things I've written this year (in alphabetical story blog order):

• A Boy, A Girl, and A Line...:A Hunt For Truth (this and another post were done this year back in July; before that, the last time I touched this story blog was back in May 2010)
• The Curly Muse: I'd Rather Be Alone For The Right Reasons...  & The Curly Muse: Someone Old, Someone New, Someone Borrowed... (the last time I had touched this story blog was earlier in the year, once in June and another time in January. This is sort of my "where everything else goes" blog, stuff that doesn't have an ongoing story. If something does turn into something ongoing, I usually transfer for it or set up its own blog with links to previous posts elsewhere.)
• Della: Part Two (started this story blog back in August 2007 with one post)
• Enyo: Part Nine (this originally was a joint project with a friend, but it sort of got put on hold for a while; now I kind of took it over though I totally welcome her to contribute again if she wants to; last time I touched this story blog was April 2009)
• Nedea: Part Eight (last time I touched this story was April 2009)
• Real-Life I (just) Made Up: Not Quite Yet But Soon (last time I touched this story blog was February 2010)
• Sanya: Part Nine (the most recent post was done back in June of this year; before that, the last time I touched this story blog was February 2010)
• Stoically Challenged: Out For A Drive (last time I touched this story blog, it was December 2010)
• The Strange Adventures of Princess Blue: Part Seventeen & The Strange Adventures of Princess Blue: Part Eighteen (last time I touched this story blog was March 2010)
• Tales of the Unemployed and Unloved: Part Four (last time I touched this story blog was August 2007)

In some NON-fiction writing news:

• Everything At Least Once (This is a blog I created to talk about new stuff I have tried - or things I've tried for the first time.  It started off being mostly about food, but I'm trying to change that.)
• Woven Inspiration (Then, of course, there's the blog you're reading right now which I started this year.  *waves*  I had started a blog to chronicle my first time doing NaNoWriMo last year... and then I just got to thinking about writing about writing.)
• Moron Life: Lon, a fellow writer friend of mine, and I got to talking (about writing, duh), and he asked if I'd like to contribute to his website.  I said sure, but it was my first time writing for a website - other than my own blogs which no one reads *LOL!* - so admittedly I was a little nervous.  First I wrote a review of the season four premiere of True Blood and originally it was supposed to be a more regular thing, but my access to TV on a timely manner sort of made it a little impossible to keep up.  Then he got another idea for me to write something else, like "stuff I think y'all should be watching"... so then I wrote something about The Glades.  (I'm planning to write something for CHUCK before the the final season starts and see what he thinks. *grin*)
• TVFanatic I also did a couple reviews for the site for my friend Jim while he and his wife Leah were away on vacation.  I reviewed the Eureka episode "Reprise" (which I loved but didn't think I did a great job on) and the Leverage episode "The Van Gogh Job" (which I liked a lot better as far as writing goes, and the episode alone was just lovely).

Okay, I think that's it. If not, oh well.

Looking at it all written out like that... it sure looks like I've been busy.  Ha!

The last story blog I have left to update is Results of the Writers' Wheels-O-Wonder.  My brother made me this random prompt creator which consists of four laminated pages which fold together and have spinners (like literary Twister... past participle GREEN!) and each sheet is a component that contributes to a new premise.  (A + B + C + D = premise.)  I've only done one so far which was posted on February 2010.  I had planned to do more and hopefully I shall.  So this story as well as my novel (I promise honey... mommy will get back to you soon.) take priority.

I'm also currently trying to design an index/table of contents of sorts for all my pages so I can make that my homepage. A sort of "one-stop shop" for all my writing.  It's still in the concepualizing (<=== Is that even a word?  Frak, is now.)  I want it to act as my "homepage" (you know that spot in your profile of whatever website you're a member of that says "website" or "homepage"? I want something to put there that reflects ALL my writing.) So I think an index would be a groovy idea... though I'm not sure how to design it.

(Me = not too incredibly tech savvy.)

Another idea I had was to add a widget to my writing blog Woven Inspiration, but again, I'm not sure I can do that (or if I could do that) or how to fit it onto my page.

But I'm still tinkering around with ideas.

Anyone have any suggetsions?

[stands back and takes a gander at what I've written]

Holy crimoley Batman!  I think this is the longest post on this blog EVER!

And on that note!... *smirks lovingly and waves*

Later my lovelies!

Have Goodness!
Rae

Moves Like Jagger, Writes Like Shit

And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there 'cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
~from the song "Harder to Breathe" by Maroon 5

Well... would you look at that.  It's been over a month since my last post here.

Good gravy!  I suck.

Truth be told, I haven't been in the right... head space.... to write anything much.  I've tried, and I've written little stories here and there in attempts to try and keep the creative juices flowing, but things feel more like they've been plugging up the plumbing of my creativity.

Let's see... a month ago, I wrote this for a short story contest.  I decided to post it a month later.  Still waiting on the results which I'm assuming (if I hear anything at all) I'll hear them sometime next month.

Then I proposed the idea to some friends that (if they wanted) I'd write a story for them.  I honestly didn't think anyone would respond, but then my friend Alithea requested an original fiction story about "ghosts with martinis".  So... I wrote this for her.  My friend Kathy showed interest in reading the "ghost" story but had requested further tales of Blue and her sister... so that I'm working on next.  My friend John proposed some idea that he found on an internet prompt generator, but I'm not sure what that prompt is any more.  He says he still has it so he'll send it to me if I need him to.  My seester Margrit recently wrote me a letter (she's quite anti-technology) and offered me up a prompt for her.  Oh good gravy!  I have no idea if I'll be able to do anything with it, but I'll try.

In other writing news, I've been thinking of adding to my Everything At Least Once blog page where I suggest something for people to try as opposed to just writing about new stuff I tried.  Still trying to figure out if I want to change up the format/layout of those posts versus the regular ones as well as what "prefix" would I put in the front.  Recommendation sounds boring.  Any suggestions?

Oh, I wrote this for a friend of mine's site.  When I'm feeling better, I plan to write one about CHUCK!

Thoughts of my novel keep dancing around in my head.  I really need to go through it and sort it out.  Tempted to print it all out, but that's a lot of pages, and I can't afford Kinko's at the moment.

I just haven't been feeling up to writing stories lately although I really want to.  Aside from being body exhausted, my mind and soul have been through the ringer leaving nothing but sighs and fetal positions in its wake.

Life has not been to keen for me lately, and I'm trying really hard to stay positive, but there are those days as I've previously stated where it's difficult to stay rosy and cheerful.  I'm tired of being in a rut, and I want out.

I recently tweeted "I miss the days when I was a rockstar... or at least felt like one. Wish I could have those days back."  I know I'm not as secure as I have been in the past due to the situations I'm in at present.  I am building myself up from nothing (or that's what it feels like), and it's driving me bonkers as well as destroying my self-esteem.  I'm having more and more days where I'm feeling like shit inside and out and there's nothing I can do about it.  I refuse to let the shitty win, but seriously...

WTF, man?!?!?!

In my present craptastic sundae, I have a scoop of almost every problem under the sun drizzled with heaping helpings of frustration and fatigue.  The cherry on the top of this frakked up concoction?  Friends and their guilt trips, poor health, feeling like a failure as a writer...

Yeah.  I'm just going to stop there.

I am determined to write tomorrow.  Hopefully I'll feel better and have the energy to do some work.  I have an idea for Kathy's story as well as a little something I started working on and thought I had saved but when I went to it the next day, guess what?  Yup.  Nowhere to be found.  I think I might jot that down tomorrow when I'm in the zone.

Okay, this post has turned into some sort of pity party, and damn... I'm not having that.  I'm in a rut that, aside from lack of sleep and not feeling well, has been contributing to the hindrance of my writing... and damn that needs to stop.  I vow to write tomorrow but at the moment I am tired, not feeling well, and just want to curl up in a ball and dream happy dreams.

Sure, it's 6:30am, but who's really counting, eh?

And to end this post, I will mention that it's one of my favorite peoples birthdays, and that special people is none other than...

Zachary Levi

An earlier tweet of mine: Huge HAPPY BIRTHDAY wishes to @ZacharyLevi! Hope you have a delightfully delicious day filled w/fun, laughs & love. Cause as much trouble as you see fit. ;-) (love, hugs & blessings to you sir!) *salutes* 

I'm sure he'll be having a lovely day.

And now without further ado, I bid y'all adieu.

Later my lovelies!

Have Goodness!
Rae

^_^ he SO needs to be my friend ^_^

Dear Novel: I Miss You. Love, Mom

"You ever read any Nietzsche? Nietzsche says there's two kinds of people in the world: people who are destined for greatness like Walt Disney... and Hitler. Then there's the rest of us, he called us "the bungled and the botched." We get teased. We sometimes get close to greatness, but we never get there. We're the expendable masses. We get pushed in front of trains, take poison aspirin... get gunned down in Dairy Queens."
~Jack Lucas [drunk and talking to the Pinocchio doll] from "The Fisher King"

I spy with my little Asian eyes that it's been a couple weeks since my last entry.

*pats self on back*

I had been thinking about writing in here off/on for the past week, and I was afraid that when I came back here, I'd find the last post was from eons ago.  Thank goodness that's not the case.

So, what have *I* been up to lately?  Well... since you asked, let me tell you.

I recently got a temp job doing some accounting at a car dealership.  The people there are very nice.  I started earlier this month (around the 4th and without having to interview which was faboo).  It's currently part-time until the chic I'll be covering for goes on maternity leave (which I think she said would be sometime next month - which I only heard her say in passing to someone else who asked).  She's currently training me now.  When she goes on leave, I'll be full-time until she gets back.

What seems to have happened is kind of what I was dreading: that work is killing my writing.

Sleep is all kinds of wonky, and now that I'm working again, I'm usually tired when I get home.  Most of the time I sit in my room feeling like some zombie-author with all these interesting stories to tell but all that comes out in Unnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggggghhhhhhh!!!  (And I suppose the only craving for brains I would have would not be for nourishment but to help me think/work/write.)

Then again, if eating brains actually helped my writing...

I had one miracle week where my sleep was normal.

When I got back from San Diego and NERDHQ, my insomnia decided to take a vacation.  Either that or it was as if we accidentally ditched it back in the mountains or something.

Don't worry.  It came back... like the infamous cat.  (You know the one.)

To think, I had this wonderful week of waking up (naturally) between 8am and 9am and then going to sleep (actual sleep) no later than midnight.

Holy crap! - you say?  So said I... for a while.  But alas it was too good to last.

Anyway, I'm rambling.  (Back to writing.)

During training, I kept thinking of my novel (I can hear its cries of anguish and abandon right as I type this), but my mind has somehow built a wall around it and has suppressed it like a bad memory or something.  Literally - I think of my baby, and... nothing.  I'm trying to channel my Q abilities and materialize an axe or sledgehammer to help tear that wall down (since so far wishing it or commanding it away hasn't worked).  I think I'm chipping away at it, but it's a really SLOW process.  Ugh!

Meanwhile, back at the lab...

I wrote this on my Everything At Least Once blog (I'm trying to stray away from food since that seems to be the only thing on there that I write about - I want to write about a little bit of everything, and since I have curly hair and trying out new stuff on my hair, I thought... why not?)  In any case, it isn't much, but it's something.

One of my writing buddies (Maggie C.) emailed me this writing contest about past loves, and I entertained the idea that I was going to do this.  But then days turned into weeks and sure enough the deadline fast approached, and I had nothing.  I was thinking about giving up when all of a sudden [insert triumphant music here], I started formulating an idea.  Granted it was about seven days within the deadline... and it was just a glimmer of an idea (since I had NO idea how to write the damn thing in the first place)... and how I originally thought the deadline was the week prior to the actual deadline...

Yeah, I'm a doof!  Yeah yeah.  Blow me.

Work had me coming in late the day of said deadline (which was the 17th by midnight) so after work on the 16th, I was at home deciding to not go to bed until I was done with something I could possibly submit.

The premise?

*******

ENTRY REQUIREMENTS: No entry fee

Nearly everyone has memories of a former sweetheart. Write your true story of an earlier love, in no more than 700 words. Tell us about someone whose memory brings a smile or a tear, or both:

• What feelings arise if you allow yourself to be fully open to remembering that person?
• What is it about that special someone that you still cherish?
• IN PARTICULAR, how did that person's presence in your life change you and how you experience the world?
  

Your story may be heart-warming or humorous. Just tell about your earlier sweetheart as if you were talking to your best friend.

*******

So the only relationship that came to mind was my biggest, most dysfunctional one to date which stemmed from an "OMFG! What was I thinking?" time of my life.  Not being able to really wrap my head around any other relationship I've had, I settled on the "OMFG" option.

Now at first I thought I'd just submit a story I wrote a couple years ago per an assignment given to me by another fellow writing buddy (Alithea), and out of curiosity, I checked the word count of said old story.

Wanna guess on the word count? 

Go ahead.

...

I'll wait.

I guess you give up, right?  Either that or I'm just impatient.  In either case, the old story was over 6k in words.  (6246 words to be precise.)  The contest was a limit of 700.  Immediately, I wondered if I could condense 6k+ down to 700.  I was feeling pretty hopeless when I couldn't think I could do it.  The only choice was to write something new in the same vein.  As time went on, and I re-read the prompt, I thought the old story sounded rather depressing and serious... so the new challenge I had put upon myself was to make the new condensed version a little lighter.

While working on the story the night before it was due for submission, I had issues with editing.  I finally got the story itself done, but it counted at 800+ words so I had to cut stuff out.

Yeah... word limits?  They can suck my butt!

In the end I got my story done, complete with editing.

Being the weirdo writer I am, I wanted someone else to read it and let me know what they thought.  I had texted Maggie C., but she didn't have internet at her place yet and apologized for not being able to help me out.  I had Facebook'd and Tweet'd for assistance in the proofreading department.  I had spoken with my brother a day or so prior and brought up the contest with him in conversation, and he said he'd read it.  A couple of others said they would as well, so I emailed the story to them and then hit the sack.

Before I left for work, I checked my email (both via iPhone and on the minibook), and nothing.  Maggie C. texted me to ask if I'd gotten anyone to help.  I told her I had sent it out to three people but hadn't heard back from any of them.  She told me to email it to her anyway, and if she happened to be somewhere with internet access, she'd check it.  Since I was on my way to work, I said I'd send it through my phone if I could.  If not, when I got home. 

I checked my email all day.  No replies from anyone I sent it to.

When I got home, I sent it to Maggie C., texted her I sent it, and waited.  I had decided if I hadn't heard back from anyone, I would just send it "as is" by 9pm to make sure there wasn't a weird time zone issue, etc.

Almost immediately, I received a text back from Maggie C. who ended up reading my story on her phone.  Since she couldn't edit the document via her cell, she gave me comments.  I thanked her muchly and decided to wait for the others.

No one else contacted me prior to my deadline.

I prepped the email, freaked out, prayed to any deity/higher being that would listen, and hit 'send'.

One of my friends contacted me apologizing saying she probably missed the deadline, but she liked the story.  (That was two for two so far.  Yay me!)  I thanked her for trying.  She lives on another continent for frak sakes.  And at least she got back to me around the time of my deadline.

I'm just assuming with the other two people that life got in the way and left it at that.

So my story is out there... sent into the contest ether... and now... I wait.

Gawd, I hate waiting.

After Maggie C. read my story and told me to submit it (big ball of encouragement she is), she told me to write something new.  When I posed the question "Such as?", she replied with "a new essay, a new story" and then sent me a link to a site with possible writing contests, jobs, etc.  It looks really informative, filled with tons of stuff, and I want to write a story for one of them.  Being tired from work and insomnia being a cruel mistress, my brain takes one look at the site and turns to mush as well as my body not wanting to move any more once its... you know... stopped. 

She sent a couple other ones as well.  I think I'll look at them when my mind isn't so soft and liquidy and ready to seep out of my ears, pores or any other orifice it can escape from.


Sheesh.

My goal of being published by my 35th birthday (which is this November) isn't just for a novel (although that would be most excellent).  It's for anything: magazine, paper... contest?  I had asked this via my Twitter and Facebook, and now I post it here.

What do you consider "published"?  Does it have to be in print?  Like a magazine or a book or something of that nature?  Or would you consider having your work posted on a website being "published"?

Curious on your thoughts about this.

In other news, an idea that has been floating about in my noggin for another story (totally spy/scifi/action stuff).  I came up with the idea a while ago, but it's been poking my brain wanting attention.  I don't want to work on it until my book is done.  I want to finish it first... finish something of that magnitude first.  These little short stories and bits on the side are fine, but my novel?

Sheesh.

One novel at a time, brain.  Got that?  That okay with you?

Oh Calgon.... take me away... and don't forget the drinks!

All righty.  That's it for now.  Anyone have any helpful suggestions to get me unblocked from my lonely little novel?  Right now, I'm thinking a hammer to my head is a last resort, but I'm open to ideas?

In the meantime, I think I'm going to sign off on this blog post and catch some shut-eye.  (See ya around peeps!)

Later my lovelies!

Have Goodness!
Rae

In A Writing Void Looking For Bread Crumbs...

"I'm going to slice your face off and use it to wipe my unmentionables!"
~Bad Bill from the animated movie "Rango"

Hey there ladies and jellyspoons!  It has been a while, has it not?

The quote?  Yeah, I chose it because it's how I've been feeling off and on lately (more on than off, actually).  And when I say that's how I've been feeling, I don't mean from the speaker's point of view either.

I haven't been writing much lately.  Not since I got back into town at any rate.  Before my trip, I was writing pretty regularly.  I was working on my novel as well as "homework" assignments from friends.  And then when I got to writing about my progress on my blogger page, I saw all my other pages (my babies or children, if you will), and then wheels started turning. 

I was writing a lot.  And it made me happy.  Sure, I seemed to have all the time in the world since I wasn't working or whatever, but writing... fleshing out the ideas I had... made me happy.

And then the void crept into town...

Maybe it started with the Write-A-Thon.  I was working on my novel from last year's NaNoWriMo, but every day I was finding it tougher and tougher to reach my goal of 500 words a day.  I wrote a lot last November, but the bits I had left weren't really enough to reach that daily goal.  Sure I have gaps in between segments, but they're small and not 500 words worth.  Shortly before I left on my trip, I was actually doing more piecing together than anything else.  I felt that I had pretty much written most if not all the book and just needed to work on making it one solid entity.  Unfortunately, my brain failed to load "puzzle mode" so not a lot of entity making was happening.

And then while out of town, I was too busy (much like with NaNoWriMo being the month of my birthday and Thanksgiving - July has San Diego Comic-Con).

I suppose I should talk of my trip now.  At least for a bit.

So San Diego Comic-Con (SDCC) is every year in July.  Due to being jobless and broke, I couldn't afford passes, and I resolved myself into accepting that I'd be missing SDCC again.  (If I could, I'd go every year, but I digress.)  But then the decision that it was CHUCK's final season had me sad that it was the last time I would be able to catch their panel.  (I'd never gone before.)  Even more bummed, I had heard Zachary Levi (my future BFF) talking about The Nerd Machine doing a convention of their own in the Gaslamp Quarter... and lo' and behold NERDHQ was born.  My decision to go was pretty last minute, but things started falling into place (I had a ride, I had a place to stay...), and even though I was pretty broke for the trip, I decided I needed a pickmeup.  I was tired of being bummed and stressed about my current life state, so... I went.  If anything it was to meet some cool people and possibly get pics with TNM crew (not just Zac).  It was four days of awesome.  I have dubbed Zac my satellite since he was always orbiting about me but never seemed to land (and I wanted him to frakkin land).  At least I had a great time, and a high-five from and pic with him.  (Granted, I don't look my hottie mama-est, but it's something.)

Dude makes the best faces.  Go-Go-Gadget funny face.  (Wish I'd also taken a serious one.)

So being distracted with NERDHQ and lots of walking and hanging with Twitter-folk, I didn't really have enough time to do any writing (and I actually tried).

Maybe that's what happened.  I stopped writing for five days and POOF! - my mojo is now lying with the fishies.

I used to think the stress of being unemployed was giving me tons of energy and inspiration to write, but as time went on and stress continued to pile up upon my shoulders and my life, and I guess it just became too much and eventually crushed my inspiration leaving me in some void of writer hell.

I think I'm getting it back.  Unfortunately my muses have taken a vacation from my novel.  (Guess they have issues with Abby and Luke?  I don't know.)  Also my energy as well as my positivity have been low, but I'm hoping that'll change soon.  It's difficult to continue to stay positive when you feel like you're constantly getting shit on.  I have dark moments, and they come in waves.  I'm hoping that'll change soon.

Fingers-crossed.

In the meantime my mind has been toying with the latest prompt a friend gave me for my A Boy, A Girl, And A Line blogger page.  Yeah, I will apologize in advance for it without telling you anything about it.  Maybe I'll have it up in a week.

In any case, I hope to be working on my novel again soon. 

As far as my "published" goal, about three months left...

Can I do this?  (headdesk)

All right.  I think that's all for now.

Later my lovelies!

Have Goodness!
Rae

Writing, Nerds & Living On A Prayer...

“Like ‘love’, ‘hope’ is one of those ridiculously disproportional words that by all rights should be a lot longer.”
- Harry Dresden from the book “Turn Coat” by Jim Butcher

I had originally intended to update this every week while participating in the Clarion Write-A-Thon, but alas... my timing was flung into chaos.

I'm here now though.  *note the smiley face insertion*  :-)

In any case, I have been writing my daily goal of at least 500 words/day.  It's funny how such a little thing (which felt like a huge thing when I originally made my pledge) can make you feel so proud and accomplished.

I remember I was trying to do this notebook thing a few friends told me about where you try to write at least three pages a day of whatever the frak is on your mind.  Anything.  Could be a story idea, recent events, a rant... anything.  I think the idea was to get the creative juices flowing or something like that so it would get easier and easier and then something would come from all that daily activity.

I remember days when it was easy, but I remember the days where I struggled to make a page, much less THREE.  The little devil on my shoulder suggested writing bigger, that it would fill up space faster.  The angel, on the other hand (or shoulder to keep a theme consistent), walked over to the devil, flicked it in the center of the forehead saying that wasn't honest and was a bad idea.

Yeah... I tend to listen to the forehead flicker regardless of how appealing the forehead flicked's ideas are.

I found the same difficulty when trying to follow the habits of Terry Pratchett who said that he writes at least 300 words/day because he felt that if he didn't write everyday, he couldn't call himself a writer.  There were days where that goal was easy... and then there were days where I wanted to stab my brain with a Panzer.

But writing is work, right?  I mean, sure we can all be imaginative and create various things/ideas, but we all must work to get there.

Frak, everything is work, but to do work that we love... yeah, that's the shit right?  I mean, if someone told me I could do a Kill Bill type movie but all I had to do was go to the gym and train?  Frak yeah, I'd do it.  NO BRAINER!  What?  I get to wield a sword and do martial arts and kick tons of ass.  The gym ain't nothing.  (It's sort of like the little boy being told he can't play his video games until he does his homework.  He does the necessary to do the fun which with the payoff doesn't really feel like work at all.)

Yeah, I'm babbling right now.

So, back on track.

Since I'm a week behind on this, let me update you on the past two week's progress, shall I?  (Yes, I shall.)

Week #3

Sunday, July 3rd - 628
Monday, July 4th - 812
Tuesday, July 5th - 581
Wednesday, July 6th - 510
Thursday, July 7th - 749
Friday, July 8th - 689
Saturday, July 9th - 839

TOTAL for Week #3 =  4,808

Week #4
Sunday, July 10th - 1,789
Monday, July 11th - 500
Tuesday, July 12th - 901
Wednesday, July 13th - 538
Thursday, July 14th - 513
Friday, July 15th & Saturday, July 16th -1,366

TOTAL for Week #4 = 5,607

Combined total for Weeks #3 & #4 = 10,415
Total so far (as of but not including today) = 18,996

I will admit, I am a little impressed with myself, but it's all getting strained a bit.

I had started working on this novel in November 2010 and have been pecking away at it since then.  I had written a series of segments with notes in between and have been trying to fill in those empty spaces with segments that somehow link the whole thing together.

I feel like I'm running out of things to write.

I need to go through what I have (which is in several different docs), sort them and outline a bit, but I want to do my daily 500.  Ugh!  (Sometimes I feel I make things hard on myself... but honestly, I don't mean to do it on purpose.)  I just need to get organized.

And things are going to get trickier in the days to come.

I am presently trying to figure out a way to head out with friends to San Diego.  It's that time of year again for San Diego Comic-Con (aka SDCC), but when passes went on sale, I couldn't afford a 4-day and all passes went like hotcakes.  Even the resale of the returned passes went like crack-hotcakes.  So I thought okay... I'm going to miss out on SDCC... again.  It was extra bummeriffic since one of my favorite shows (CHUCK!) was on the bubble yet made it to yet another season, it's fifth, which would be it's last.

(insert sobbing here)

Thinking that my friends would go off to SDCC and leave me home to be bummed and all that for another year, something awesome happened in the way of NerdHQ.  It's a convention of sorts put together by the lovely people of The Nerd Machine.  So with that dropped bomb of saucesome, I re-thought my So Cal excursion and debated on actually going.

The amount of people that reached out and wanted me to go... even went as far as offering up their rooms as a place to crash.  And these people have never even met me!  (GO NERDS!!!)  I really REALLY want to go and meet my NERD brethren and sistren at the premiere of NerdHQ.  I also would like to meet all the peoples of The Nerd Machine (including Zachary Levi since I won't be able to make it to any of his panels at SDCC).  I'm also hoping that even though I was late with my form (since most of my plans wouldn't be solidified until last minute - as in the day before my friends and I would leave), they'll let me volunteer.  Hell, I'll be available the entire four days there.  I'm sure I'm not the only one, but meh... we'll see.

So if I go to that, I have a ride and a place to stay but I'll be drinking water, licking crackers, and doing an immense amount of walking.  I'll pretty much be going in broke (since being unemployed and bills will do that to a person) but hopefully I'll be so damn excited, I won't care.  And who knows?  Maybe I'll lose some weight due to this? 

The plan (if I go) will be to bring pens, notebooks, a book, mp3 player and camera with me so in case I'm left alone to my own devices, I'll have a way to entertain myself.

But see, the thing that's also gnawing at me is my writing.  Like when I was doing NaNoWriMo last year, and I had my birthday and Thanksgiving to contend with.  I'll have NerdHQ to deal with.  The plan is to leave hella early Wednesday morning and come back Sunday... sometime.  In the fantasies of my mind, I imagine that I will be SO jam-packed with meeting people and playing games and such that I will be way too busy to write. 

That's FIVE WHOLE DAYS, people.  And the Clarion Write-A-Thon ends shortly after I get back (on the 29th).  It's on the honor system, I know, and I want to do my part, but I don't think I'll be able to do my daily word goal while in San Diego.

(head-slam-wall-repeat)

Now in realizing this, I immediately thought I'll just write a lot before I go and when I get back, but I'm at a part of my writing where I think I'm nearly done with the main first draft writing part (with bits and bobs here and there that need filling in), so I'm not sure how I'd fulfill my daily goal.

I'm thinking too much on it, I know.  I'm like that.  (sigh)

In other writing news, I'm still having issues with that "ex-love" piece.  On the flipside of that, while my friends' are out visiting family in Texas, I am not only taking care of their kitties (they've been nieces and nephews to me at this point), but am also filling in doing two reviews for Jimbo while he and his wife are on a mini-vacation.  I'm admittedly a little nervous but it's writing.  I'm always nervous when my writing goes... out there... into the ether... for people to read... and hate and criticize...

I'm covering Leverage tonight and Eureka tomorrow night.  I'm less nervous with Leverage since I'm all current with that show, but Eureka is a little stressful (well, to me) since I've only seen a smattering of episodes per season.  I know the general gist of the series, but I'm not familiar with all the nooks and crannies of the characters, relationships, storylines...

Jimbo thought this past Monday was going to be the premiere of the new season when in fact it's just the second half of the last season.  Originally he had invited me over to watch the new episode so I could get a feel of the new season and write from there, but after realizing it's the same season, he suggested I could write it from a newbie standpoint.

(head-slam-wall-repeat)
(intermittent internal sobbing)
(head-slam-wall-repeat)

I'm sure I'll be fine.  I'm just having performance anxiety... like when I'd audition for school plays or perform in competitive speech.  I'd always be all gut-twisted, lump in my throat, "holy crap, what the frak am I doing?", but as soon as I started, I was cool.

I still have to write my True Blood reviews for Lon.  I'm so behind.  I have no idea if he even wants them.  (sigh)

In writing this, I feel like I suck... and badly!

Okay, I think I should sign off on this for now.  Need to chill out for a while as well as run some errands and cheer myself up.  Hopefully I'll be able to do that.

Later my lovelies!

Have Goodness!
Rae


PS (to the Universe)... Bring me good news Monday please?  I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

My World Is Shakey, But At Least I'm Writing

I just want to be perfect.

~Nina from "Black Swan" 

Hello there my delicious cupcakes!  I should be in bed right now.  Okay, well I AM in bed with the minibook on my lap, but you know what I mean.  I should be trying to SLEEP right now, but instead I'm updating this blog.

I need a life.  Either that, or to type faster.  OR to be able to project my thoughts into a word doc and post it while I sleep.

Oh fantastical technology of my dreams.  Why do you not exist?

Anyway, I think I've been doing a good job meeting my goal every day (save the one day I went to the beach after not sleeping for almost 24 hours, and I died when I eventually got home, but I made up for it the next day).

Quick update on Week #2 of Clarion West Write-A-Thon:

Sunday, June 26th - 628
Monday, June 27th - 505
Tuesday, June 28th - 1,138
Wednesday, June 29th & Thursday, June 30th - 1,020
Friday, July 1st - 586
Saturday, July 2nd - 528

That's a total of 4,405 words for Week #2... an uber grand total of 8,581 as of Saturday.  So I think that keeps me ahead again this week with roughly a day's worth of words ahead of the minimum.

Go ME!  It's my birthday!  Go ME!  Get busy!

I'm surprised that I'm able to write at all with all the drama and stress I've been dealing with. But then again perhaps that's what I'm drawing from for my stories.  Perhaps if my life were perfect I wouldn't have anything to write about.

When I think of my poetry, I don't think any of it is happy.  It's best written in my darker, sadder moments.

Then there's that saying of "write what you know".  I've also said I have problems with writing love scenes, creepy scenes and fight scenes.  I think I've got the creepy taken care of.  As far as fight scenes go, I feel I'm much better at verbal than physical, but I've gotten better.   

Love...

Anyway, maybe after the Write-A-Thon is done, I'll start piecing everything together.  It'd be nice to finish the novel (even in first draft form).  Then I can go through editing.

Ack!  Editing.

In other news, I really haven't done anything with the "former love" piece.  700 words or less.  Oh dear me.  Another deadline.  This is going to kill me.

I did, however, finish a show review piece for a friend of mine as sort of an audition to see if he really wants me to write for his site.  He'd proposed the idea to me after we'd hung out at a friends' engagement party.  We'd talked about writing, and he messaged me via the ever-social Facebook to say he was "hurting for content and could use a new voice on there frequently" and asked if I'd like to be a contributor.  "Maybe do some reviews, some editorials, whatever. Maybe provide our nerd updates for the week or something?"  I emailed it to him earlier in the day.  We'll see what he thinks.  I think it's crap but hey... this is me about my writing we're talking about here, right?  I'll just wait to hear what he thinks, and we'll go from there.

I have been writing more than I have been in a while.  Granted it's not all for my novel, but writing is writing and is a good thing, right?  I mean... I wrote out a dream I had that would not leave my memory so I wrote it out in a story (adding a few bits here and there).

Writing is therapy for me.  (The same with video games.)

I wrote this bit during my first week of the Write-A-Thon.  And I wrote this as well as this latest bit last week.

I guess looking at my blogger pages has been stirring something in me.  I had hoped that I would be able to play with each of my "children" on a somewhat regular basis, but alas some of my children have been left unattended for a long time.  But I recently visited a couple of them and revamped their layouts a little bit... like this one and this one.  I want to do something with each of them so bad.

Ideas are formulating.

I've been eying this page (which I also changed the layout) lately which I think is the next one I'll be writing for.  I have an idea milling about in my brain area.  I'll write it out when it becomes a little more solid and... present.  Unlike "Stoically Challenged" in which I allow myself to bounce about with the assignments, with "a boy, a girl, and a line..", I'm doing them in order as I get them.  Of the suggestions my friends gave me, I think I went halfway through them... ish.  I got stumped with the last one I was given from my friend Oz, but now... I just might have something.

I think fondly of Nedea and Blue and Enyo.  And Noemi...

Oh my girls!  I'm such a bad mother.  Can you ever forgive me?

Okay, this post has taken a while to get through, and the sun's about to come out.  I really should retire.

I'm taking care of my friend's cat during the holiday.  They have four but one needs her shot twice a day.  They are taking care of the morning, and I'm taking care of the evening.  I think I'm going to take advantage of their empty house to get away from distractions and delve into a change of scenery.  Also, I didn't stop by Sunday night to watch our shows so I've got that to catch up on.

And I will totally be getting intimate with their coffee machine.  Awww yeah!!!

So I think I'll end this update here.  I hear the birds chirping, and I have to pee.  (TMI?  Well deal.  LOL!)

Before I go, I ask all of you ("you" being whoever decides to go slumming down in my blogger parts):

• Do you find it easier to write when you're happy?  
• Do you find it harder to write when you're depressed or angry?  
• Do your moods effect you're writing output?  Productivity?  Quantity? Quality?

Okay my darlings... I'm outta here.

Later my lovelies!

Have Goodness!
Rae

PS... HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY EVERYONE!!!