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Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Dear Stress: I HATE YOU!!!

I'm hungry,
I'm dirty,
I'm losing my mind...
EVERYTHING'S FINE!
-from the song "Mother, Mother" by Tracy Bonham

Due to the depression/anger party dwelling within me as of late, I've been listening to a lot of appropriate music choices that coincide with whatever I'm feeling at the time. I will admit the "anger" part of me has been bogarting a lot of the music time, but hey... I honestly don't blame it.

Recently I found an old mix that I made that has two very awesome tracks that fit my "HULK SMASH!" emotional moments. I usually listen to them when driving if I've gotten a call from the lawyers or received something in the mail or feel a twinge in my leg. The song that wins most favor at the moment is "Mother Mother" by Tracy Bonham. Just tonight when I was driving home, I repeated the song a few times so I could scream the chorus at the top of my lungs.

Quite therapeutic.

The other song that curries favor is "Smack My Bitch Up" by Prodigy. While the song immediately brings up the Charlie's Angels fight sequence, I always imagine myself in some movie scenario going to kick someone's ass that's hurt my family or killed someone that I love. I'm pissed, and I'm seeking revenge.

Oh yeah, I'm also wearing something leather and boots... a la Charlie's Angels.

Some time ago, I had thought to make a "fight sequence" mix to listen to when writing, but I don't think that every came to fruition. I do remember thinking about making an "angry mix" of some kind but have no idea what kind of progress was made in that venture. Thinking about the project now, I would imagine that the mix would include the two songs I mentioned plus some Linkin Park and Distrubed

Hmmm... let's see. Songs that would be good for an "angry mix". I've already mentioned "Mother Mother" by Tracy Bonham, "Smack My Bitch Up" by Prodigy... "Down with the Sickness" by Disturbed is a good one as is "Numb" by Linkin Park (though a little depressing it gives you great screaming bits). "Sweet Sacrifice" by Evanescence is also a good one. "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails has a "grrr" sound... though for a completely different reason.
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And now my mind is drawing a complete blank on grumpy music. (Oh well.)

As the first half of the accident drama seems to be coming to a close, I find myself still at a loss to write. I'm tired and am filled with not only a a bad case of the "fuck it"'s, but I just don't have the... want to write. Yup. Still in a slump. I just look at my notebooks and pens... even carry them around with me... and nothing.

But I'm above ground and breathing so that's something, right?

Went to the chiropractor today. The doctor is from the same practice I went to many years ago though back then I was being seen by his then-wife-and-still-partner. He checked me out, assessed my injuries, etc, and sent me home with papers to fill out. Apparently I'm a little worse off than I thought though not drastically so. Also due to what he saw, he said I would have to make time to get some films done of my back that he says will show obvious damage from the accident.

He said I'm lucky to be alive.

I know people mean well when they say that, but I'm getting a little tired of hearing it. Yes... I KNOW I'm lucky to be alive. I KNOW it could have been worse. I KNOW I could've died. But to be CONSTANTLY reminded of that fact? It doesn't really put me in the best of moods or headspaces.

After the chiropractor, I called my mother since she called me back last night a little late (and if I haven't mentioned it, I live with old people who go to sleep early). I gave her the update as far as the pending settlement and chiropractor appointment. Then I headed over to Jim G and Leah G's place for some peace and quiet.

Okay, I also meant to TRY and do some writing, but aside from this post (which has taken FOREVER), I haven't really done much in the way of writing anything else. I think the most writing I've done lately has either been work notes or a TO-DO list of the errands/bills variety.

I hopped on the computer once I got to Jim & Leah's with the hope of writing. I checked my email and received a message from my lawyer regarding my property damage settlement and how much it was going to be and that my rental was extended to this Friday. So at the moment I'm worried about how I'm going to get to work and to my chiropractor appointments and what car I'm going to get and how to go about it since I'm not to automotively-shopping-inclined.

Ugh. (headdesk)

I think I'm just going to stop right here and post this since I'm getting depressed all over again.

Until next time... whenever THAT will be.

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

2 comments:

  1. I stopped at the first sentence. All I have to say is, you're lucky to be alive.

    No but seriously, I'm sorry that Crap Mountain continues to mount. I'm sure at some point you'll be motivated to write again. Hell, what would your life be without a constant, healthy outflow of words? ;)

    Stay strong, and keep that hair funky.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks. I know it could have been much worse than it was, but it's gotten to the point where I want to nuke Crap Mountain and turn it to rubble.

      I'm hoping to write again soon. I'm thinking of ideas and creating dialogue in my head but the jotting it down in a story or a scene, etc... I'll just have to wait to get that back.

      Me and words... was that comment meant to say I talk too much? LOL! If so, I totally own that. :)

      Trying to be strong, and my hair? It'll always be funky... in a good way. :)

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