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Thursday, December 3, 2015

The Good & The Bad of Late...

RIP Annabelle
I've gotten behind in my writing/blogging - behind in a lot of things this past month. November was less than stellar this year... mostly during the latter half.

There was work (which is usually slightly hectic on a good day)... and home (which was a mixture of restless, tired, and grumbly)... and the gym proved to be a bit of a challenge when I was too exhausted from work and home or just had too much plotting and planning for the holidays.

But the worst when was I received a text from my brother about his mother-in-law. She was getting ready to drive her husband to an appointment and before she could start the car, she collapsed. It wasn't a heart attack - her heart just stopped. When the ambulance got her to the hospital, there was no brain activity, but they had her hooked up to the machines as well as pain meds since her hands occasionally clenched showing signs she was feeling pain. Eventually unable to revive her, they took her off life support, and in a couple days, she was gone.

That's the text I got from my brother when it happened: She is gone.

This all happened around my birthday. The collapse was a few days before - her passing a few days after.

The funeral was yesterday. I was really sad. I'd known her a long time. I'd seen her go through her various maladies and her body change over the course of her days. I had held out hope when I first heard from my brother, but the outlook was grim. I was sad, but I wasn't affected until at the church during the rosary and mass. I ached for my niece who had lost a woman that was not only one of her grandmothers but a woman that she saw practically all the time - a major staple in her life. When the music played, she cried. It was too sad for her. I wanted to scoop out the sadness, but in the end, she was fine. She understood the loss and was able to process it better than a child her age usually could.

We sat in the back of the church per my brother's request, and it wasn't until the casket drew near that my tears fell. In all honesty I didn't know her as well as others, but she was family. I cared about her, and I knew how close she was to my sister-in-law. You could feel the sadness in the air.

I always find it weird to smile or laugh or feel any joy when something serious and sad is happening. But those are reflex gut reactions that happen, and when lips were upturned or I'd let out a silly yelp, a part of me felt guilty, like it was wrong to be happy.

Good moments during my visit were seeing an old friend again I hadn't seen or talked to in years (he brought me flowers and the hug that followed was sweet and very much needed and appreciated), seeing another old friend who is restarting her life and is better than last I saw her, spending time with my brother and my family, but mostly my niece. I love her to pieces, and a smile on her face is golden - a laugh priceless. Whenever she hugs me and says "I love you, Auntie," it warms me through and through.

Kinda don't want to think about Christmas.

Even now I feel weird smiling or joking around, but that's just the way I'm wired. It'll pass... eventually. Until then... I'll just be weird... with an underlying of sad.

There's other stuff that's mulling about in my head and my heart, but I'll save that for a later time. As it is, this was complicated enough to get out into words. Who knows? Maybe all this emotional-ness will result in some nesting/alone time which could result into me catching up on my reading/writing? (Yeah, I don't think so either.)

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

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