"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome."
"I would like to see anyone, prophet, king or God, convince a thousand cats to do the same thing at the same time."
-Neil Gaiman, English author
|She always loved cuddling with my turtles.|
She was also losing her grace. When I first got her back in March 2003 - she was 2 then - she was like a ballerina. I remember having a laundry basket by my bed, and instead of going around it, she would sit back on her hind legs as if staring at the bed, calculating angles and velocities, waiting for the perfect moment, and then - she'd bound in the air, over the laundry basket and land with a silent thud atop my bed. Within the past month, she was unsuccessful at times at leaping onto the bed. Usually she'd be waiting for me when I got home, whining at me to stop moving and pet her. I would put all my work stuff away and then lay on the bed so we could have a chat about our days. She would come by, headbutt my hand, lick me, letting me know she missed me. Then after a few minutes, I'd get up, change into my pajamas, pop open the laptop to do some writing or watch some shows or sometimes grab a book and read - all the while with her right next to me.
|Doing what does best -- napping.|
|Getting in the way while I make the bed.|
|Never let me write.|
Her symptoms reminded me of my friend Jess F's cat. He was sick and toward the end he had been listless, hiding from people, not eating or drinking, and looked/felt thin. I texted her first to see if she was up. She was. I asked if it was okay to call her. She said yes. I called and asked her about her cat's symptoms toward the end. What she told me confirmed they were similar to what my little fuzzy princess was going through.
|Didn't like it when I read, either.|
During the car ride, she was quiet which only worried me more since she hated car rides and always yowled to and from wherever we were going, also always at least peeing once during the trip. This time she was silent and there was no odor of her pissing in the carrier.
|I called her white paw my "lucky paw".|
I met with the appointment desk who then gave me a clipboard of documents to fill out since I was new, and then she called a tech after I explained my kitty's symptoms. The tech came, and I followed her back to the emergency area, and there we met the vet. We reviewed what I had told the tech, and when he brought her out of the carrier, he immediately was not pleased. He said she was severely hydrated. She was also disoriented. She tried to stand but looked like a dog on rollerskates, her legs splaying out around her. The drooling was from a sinus issue she was having. He didn't feel any tumors, but he said she had a heart murmur. They took her temperature - 103 degrees. As the vet started to explain things to me, I started to get teary-eyed, and I barely remember a nurse taking the untouched clipboard and pen away from me. I heard him whisper to her for Kleenex. He kept saying it didn't look good and that if there was any treatment to be done, it would require hospitalization, and even then, he wasn't hopeful.
|Over the shoulder cuteness.|
She had always been so good in telling me what she wanted, what was wrong. I kept asking her why she didn't say anything, but all she did was lay against me, her head on my arm, her nose touching the table, and breathed. I could hear the sinus issue then in the quietness of the room. I kept kissing her fur on her head and back, telling her that I loved her. I laid my ear against her body and listened to her heart not sure what a murmur sounded like, but I heard a steady beat of something inside. The nurse came back in to check on me. She checked Nimmy's teeth and said her gums were white which was evidence of poor circulation, mostly resulting from the heart murmur. It was probably also the cause of her back legs failing as well as the lack of coordination. She left again to say she'd keep checking on me.
|Guarding my bag as I packed for a Fresno trip.|
|To nap or not to nap?|
After I made the decision, we were escorted to the private room where the three of us had been for Jess's kitty Taz (Nimitz's "boyfriend"). Dawn and I sat away from Jess as she laid with Taz. I remember being a rock for Jess until the injection and lost it, my eyes blurred with tears before I heard Jess wail. This time it was me. I wanted to hold her while they did it, but I didn't think I could. I was afraid I'd freak out, drop her, something she didn't deserve. Instead I sat on the floor and laid her out on a large cotton pad the nurse placed before me. They shaved one of her hind legs to find the vein to put the needle in that had a tube attached to it. Then the vet took a syringe of something blue and injected it into her. She was curled on her side - like she was wont to do. The nurse was holding her body, and I was stroking her head and looking into her eyes which were always so big and green. After the injection was done - I didn't think it would take long since she was so small to begin with - he listened to her heart, and he told me that my sweetness was at peace. I thanked them, and they left the room to give us some time.
|Always a cute sleeper.|
Once we were outside, I cried again. The ladies walked me to my car and asked what I wanted to do then. I had no idea. I was completely void of anything at that point. I opted to go home. My mind focused on throwing out my cat stuff immediately so I wouldn't dwell on what had happened that day. They said to call on them if I needed them. We hugged and they left. (I love and appreciate those ladies for being with me that day.)
|"Why aren't you paying more attention to me?"|
|"This is no longer your sweater, Mom. It's mine."|
|"If I don't look at her, she can't see me, right?"|
Me? I waited for Nimitz to join me on the bed and had to remember she wasn't here anymore. I also still open the door and make sure to close it so she doesn't get out. She never made a run for the door anyway, but I was still wary of the possibility. Not sure how long I'm going to be like this. I don't like it. It feels weird going out and knowing that I don't have a little someone waiting for me at home. The OCD part of my brain is plotting out possibilities of how to reorganize the room since there's a little more space, but the rest of me sees where her stuff used to be and thinks I should hold off on that kind of thing... at least for a little while.
|"Can I help you?"|
|"Mom! Stop blogging and look at me!"|
|Adopted March 1, 2003 (at 2 years old)|
Rest In Peace May 11, 2014 (age 13 years old)
It feels weird to laugh or smile because I immediately think of her and the fact that she's not around, and then I stop. It's only been a day. Maybe I'm just being dramatic or weird. I suppose I'll balance out in a little bit.
The strange thing is, I was expecting my settlement money from the two car accidents I was in last year (February & June 2013). The original plan was to get the money, leave at the crack of dawn for Fresno to crash the Mother's Day Brunch and see my mom for Mother's Day and also see my niece who I haven't seen in what feels like ages as well, of course, to see the rest of my family. But instead I spent Mother's Day laying my little one to rest. I can't help but think now after hearing the time frame the vet gave Nimitz that if I had gone to Fresno, what I would have come home Monday night.
Later my lovelies.
|Mommy misses you, Nimmy! And love you always & forever! xoxoxo|