Story Done. Sore Thumb. Now What?

There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with.
-Harry Crews, novelist and playwright (b. 1935) 

Well hello and happy new year to one and all my lovelies out there!

I thought that was quote was appropriate seeing as this story pained me to write it.  Pained me in the sense that every time I tried to work at it, it just sat there and laughed at me like some childhood bully that just spilled my chocolate milk all over my dress.

Or something like that.

Okay, perhaps that's just a skosh of an exaggeration, but you get my meaning.

Also (most likely from working on this story so much) yesterday my right hand started aching - specifically the joint area below my thumb up to the knuckle and also the meaty part of my palm.  I'm pretty sure it's from typing as well as moving the minibook around (lifting it out of the way of the cat and all).  I finished editing and posting yesterday as well as blogging all this with an achey thumb.  You never realize how much you need your thumb until it's taken away from you... well kinda taken away.

Oh the suffering I do for my art. ;-P
Moving on...

My brother's random "Wheel" prompts kill me.  I had an interesting idea with "Antonina", but what started out as a cool idea turned into "Holy crap!  What am I going to do with this?  How am I going to end it?"  With that story, I felt that I started off strong (I liked the violence I wrote in the beginning and the "fight scenes" thereafter), but I didn't feel it was really any good... at least the latter half (especially the ending).

Now with "Jacob"... my original goal was to finish it before the end of last year, but due to frustrations and creativity blockage mixed in with the holidays, insomnia and catching the plague... I ended up postponing my original goal to January 2012.  It would have been nicer if I finished it within a few days of the new year, but damn that plague.  Hacking and wheezing and sniffling and body aching... kind of makes it a little difficult to function.

I most likely got this from my family when I went to Fresno to visit for the holidays.  My brother and his family seemed to be passing it around to each other.  My mother had visited them and got it, too, though hers turned into pneumonia before I left.

During my drive home, I felt a little tickle in my throat.  The next day I visited ye ole drugstore and loaded up on meds.  (That's my way!  I'm a big medicator.)  I don't get terribly sick all that often, but when I do, I want it to last as short as possible.

In any case, I'm feeling better now.  I killed the sickness after a few days, but I still have a lingering sniffle and cough.  (The body ache is now from my upcoming bout with powerloss.)

Meaning... sometimes I hate being a girl.  Once a month I wish I could just scoop out my cervix with a melon baller and put it in a mason jar for five days until it's over.

Anyway, back to what I was talking about before.

It took me a while to get the "Jacob" story going.  No beginning felt right.  Then I found one that wasn't terribly formed well, but I felt I could work with it so then I just continued on my merry little way, making notes as I went, and then like fertile bunnies the pages kept multiplying. 

On the day before Christmas Eve (the day I was to venture to the land of Fresno), I posted on my Facebook my progress with a mild question of curiosity:

16 pgs & a possible ending. Huzzah? O_o How many pgs is the longest short story? #amwriting  

For some reason when I think "short story", I think "short".  Granted I've read from short stories that seemed to never end, but I guess when you love an author and a story so much, you don't want it to, and you get so lost up in it that you forget you're reading a short story and not a novel.

In response to my question, my friend Jonathan S. (aka Jaquas) posted this:

From the internets, so take with a grain of salt:
# Novel: a work of 40,000 words or more
# Novella: a work of at least 17,500 words but under 40,000 words
# Novelette: a work of at least 7,500 words but under 17,500 words
# Short story: a work of under 7,500 words

My other friend June B. had commented that the longest short story she had seen was 30 pages.  The longest she'd written was 24.


I was at 16 with a possible ending in my mind.  I just had to knit the words from page 16 to the end... wherever that would be.


And just so you know, I don't knit well.


Out of mild curiosity from what Jaquas posted, I did a word/character count, and proceeded to have this little chat with him via the post.


Me: Jaquas: I just counted 8300+ words/44+k characters... and I'm still not done. (I just feel like I'm rambling at this point.) #sigh
Jaquas: So you're at Novelette status :)
Me: Oh dude, am I? Or maybe I'm just at bullshit status? LOL!
Jaquas: Well, yeah, you're always at bullshit status though. :P
Me: Someone's gotta keep up with you. ;-P

And there you have an example of me and my friends.  (Cue Randy Newman's "You Got A Friend In Me")

I purposely did not bring the minibook with me over the holidays since I didn't think I would get much work done.  Also, I had some cuteness I needed to play with.

my adorable niece Bella in a new Christmas dress

Like I always do, I brought a notebook with me and ended up filling my moments of insomnia with some writing.  I worked on Jacob and amazingly enough one of my novels (Chloe).


My Facebook comment to the short story thread on December 29th:


I handwrote some stuff at my mom (thanks Insomnia... you bitch). Now I need to add it to the monster of whatever this story has become. Oh dear! O_o

January 3rd:

Finished typing up what I wrote while in Fresno. At 23 pages and at 11k+ words. *headdesk*

This short story was going to kill me.  Plus it was getting more difficult to get it done and out of my head since my other children were wanting Mommy to play with them.  I had made a goal that Monday would be the day that I would finish my story, Tuesday would be editing, and Wednesday would be posting.  Now if you follow the rule "It's not tomorrow until the sun comes up" then I did post it yesterday.  When I posted it on my various social networking places (Facebook, Twitter, Google+), I added an author's note (like I do) as well as this comment:

17,480 words and 33 pages, I give you... crap!

Looking at the word count now, per Jaquas's internet findings, I was 20 words away from a novella.  

So I wrote a novelette.

...

...

...

Fascinating.  

The author's note explains my feelings toward the piece.  Granted I wrote it late... hella late.  I refused to go to bed until I finished.  (Oh dear gawd.  Writing's hard!  But I love it so.  LOL!)

My friend Jery T. commented on my Facebook posting "Oh, I bet it's not as bad as you think."  My reply back?  "You obviously haven't read it. ;-P"

So now to continue on with my goal of upkeeping the various story blogs I have.  Most likely I will not be able to write something for every story blog every month (sorry kids and readers), but I will try my hardest.

I still entertain the notion of vlogging one of these days.  I had thought "I'll do it at the beginning of the new year."  But then the plague said, "I don't think so," and took not only beautiful and enchanting stage presence (NO ONE looks good when they're sick) as well as my voice (there were times I sounded more like a dude than I usually think I do giving Barry White a run for his money, and then there were times where I thought I could have subbed for the Cave of Wonders from Aladdin.)


Oh well... maybe some day... when I grow the babbalones to do it.  (That was a reference my Seester would get.)


Anyway, I posted the story yesterday.  I don't think anyone has read it yet.  Oh well.  I'm not sure anyone even reads these posts or any of my stories.  Well, I know some of my friends do, but my secret desire is to have subscribers and a readership, but that'll take some time, I guess.  Or maybe it'll never happen.


But there I go.  Being shiny happy positive again.  Why?  Because that's how I roll.


All right.  I reached my other goal of blogging about this before I head out for the night.  My friends have moved into a new place, and we're going to listen to our SoCal friends' internet radio show Dusty's World at the Hall of Justice (aka their new abode).  I need to run some personal errands, grab some grub for myself as well as some apple juice for the Jager tonight, and I'm good to go.


Later my lovelies!


Have Goodness!
Rae

A Possible Ending In Sight... Maybe...

My stories run up and bite me in the leg -- I respond by writing them down -- everything that goes on during the bite. When I finish, the idea lets go and runs off.

-Ray Bradbury, science-fiction writer (b. 1920)

Not usually what happens to me.

For me, I usually get a nibble that lasts for a little while.  Then it runs away.

A few days later another nibble.  It runs away again.

It goes on like this for a while.

Reminds me of grade school when a boy would like you, and he'd come up and slug you.  The action is repetitive, somewhat painful, but the end result can be something awesome.

Right now, the nibbles are few and far between.  As it stands, I have about a week and a half to finish my "serial killer" story, and then it's a new year.

And hopefully that new year will bring me something great... something much better than what I've been dealing with so far.  And I'm not talking about my loving family and friends and the little things here and there.  I'm talking about the aggravating bits, the enduring of crap, the waiting for the "you'll get something soon, honey" moments that never seem to happen.

It's difficult to stay positive, but I try.

And here we pause for a comic strip break.

Penny Arcade (http://penny-arcade.com/) "Usurpers, Plural" strip dated 12/12/11

To fill the void of not-writing, I had turned to the one thing to comfort me in my time of need: the internet.  (Mainly cuz I'm out of booze.)

If a writer stops writing, and no one's around to hear it, can you still hear them cry? 

I checked my email, Facebook, Twitter, Google+, and caught up on several of my comics - Penny Arcade being one of my faves.  I read this and immediately shared it with Maggie C., who later told me that I was an artist.

She always says the sweetest things.

And back to serial killing.

While drinking and gaming at a friend's house, I took a pee break (I had fueled up on a lot of beer.  Don't look at me like that.  I was helping.  Just ask Kathy.), and while in the ladies room, I had an epiphany.

Why are most epiphanies found in the bathroom?  (No, that wasn't the epiphany.)

I was trying to figure out how to have a mundane figure out who the killer was, and then it struck me.  (No I'm not sharing it with you now.  You'll just have to wait.)

I'm not really sure how I'm going to write it, but I've started to.  It's sort of coming together... sort of.

Another comic break!

Wondermark (http://wondermark.com/) strip dated 12/16/11

You can thank Jaquas for this one.  He posted it to my Facebook just for me.  And you know why it's funny?  Cuz it's true.

My cat is currently reminding me that her ass is toxic.  Why can she never make her catbox smell of roses and cinnamon? 

Pardon me while I deal with her foulness.

(time lapse)

All right, I'm back.  Now she's just being anal (no pun intended) cleaning up litter and whatnot.  I hear her in there scratching/pawing all over thinking "Did you explode in there?  What the hell are you doing?"  One of these days I'm going to find markings on the wall like akin to things you'd find carved into trees or park benches or whatever.

It would be cool if that were true I found Portal "the cake is a lie" sketches.

Yeah.  I'm a nerd, and it made me laugh, so deal!

Back to the killing...

So yeah.  I need to go back and do some editing for fluidity sake.  I also need to add things to make transitions a little better.  I just took the time to write here since I wanted to write here more often than I have been.  The plan is to head out of town to see my family for the holidays by the end of the week so if that's the case, you won't be hearing from me for a few days since my mom's place has no real internet access.  Also I'll be spending most of my time with my family and hopefully getting to see Margrit (aka SEESTER) so I don't think I'll have any real time to write.  Maybe during my insomnia moments I'll be able to finish or work on my story (which at worst case scenario will be posted when I get back), but yeah.

Maybe I'll just leave the minibook at home when I leave and just bring a notebook and a pen.  (Ohhhh, kickin' it old school.  WHADDUP?!?!?)

All righty.  I should really hit the sack.  I'm going to the movies with Leah G. since her husband Jim G. does not want to go see The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.  (I am her date.)  I had hoped to read the book before watching the movie, but I do want to see the movie.  She listened to the audiobook and LOVED IT!  A chic I temped with at the beginning of the year watched the foreign version first after reading the book and thought it was crap.  Everything I've been hearing, the US version is WAY more spot on.

I can always read the book next year.  *grin*

All right.  I'm going to go now, but before I do, I'll leave you with one more comic (which I found today).  I like nerdy humor, and since I'm passionate about writing, writing is one of the things I'm nerdy about.  With that said, I share with you and then hit the sack.

I Love Charts (http://ilovecharts.tumblr.com/) strip dated 12/20/11

Time for bed.

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae




PS... In case it needs to be said, NONE of the comics are MINE.  (Websites noted below each comic.) Kthnxbye.

Would It Help If I Bashed My Head Against The Wall A Few Times?

Hey, I almost had an achievement!

-Dutch from the video game "Halo 3: ODST"

Damn!  Damn!  Damn!  With some more Damn!  And a side-order of Damn with an extra heaping dollop Damnitty-Damn-Damn-it-all-to-hell!!!

Now that I've got that out of the way... I'm stuck!  (And not like "Timmy fell down the well" kind.)

So I've talked about my goal of having all my story blogs (as represented by the lovely tabs above) with 2011 posts and then by the start of the new year (which is frakkin two weeks away) to update all the story blogs on a somewhat more regular basis.

All that was left was my "Wheels" story blog (which has the least on it since it was started last with much intention to have more on it than it actually does), but it's proving to be more difficult as time goes on.

The story on there that it posted is not my best work, but hey... it was my first try with my brother's prompt generator.  (One of these days I will remember to post a pic of it).  But that's what happens when you try something new, right?  With each attempt you hopefully get better and better.

I'm not sure attempt number two will be any better than the first one.

With the bits I was given via the "Wheels" prompt generator, I looked at it and thought "How the frak am I going to be able to make anything from that?" 

Then I started writing.

Then I had to kill someone.

Now this couldn't be just a regular "oh someone got mugged and a gun accidentally went off" kind of thing.  The killing was intentional.  And the killer isn't caught. 

But there's more.

The murder turns out to be one of a string that have happened.

And a civilian is supposed to track down the bastard responsible.

You heard me.  A civilian. 

I feel like I'm kind of out of my element on this one since I'm not really a suspense/mystery writer.  I'm more of the slice of life, stuff that's sort of happened to me but altered a bit, sci-fi/fantasy/horror-ish weirdo.  Straight up murder mystery writing is not my thing.

First I tried my hand at several beginnings... and eventually settled on one (for the moment though I'm still not happy with it).  Then I introduced the victim that starts it all and how that person died.  Then I transitioned back to the main character and how he's found other victims and their link...

And that's where it ends.

Now the intro bit took a while.  Eventually I beat the crap out of my OCD, made a couple notes, and forced myself to move on.  The next part took a bit of reworking and OCD brow-beating to move on from there.  (I was stuck with how to kill the victim.)  When I got to the last part, I was having issues with what the main character would do.  Would he stay where he was?  Would he relocate?  What kind of person would he be compared to before? 

Blah de blah de blah...

I have to say though I have been most impressed with the last bit that I wrote.  It was all coming together nicely, flowing from my mind through my fingertips over the keys.

And now... I'm stuck.

Being a writer, I'm also a book lover and being so have been to various author events.  One author once said that there was no such thing as "writer's block"... that you're basically just stuck until you work through it and are unstuck.  Since I heard that, I don't like using the term "writer's block".  It sounds kind of negative and defeated-like.

Which is kind of how I feel right about now.

Every time I open the story doc, the cursor just blinks at me in a belittling way that makes me want to smack it with a truck the size of Texas.

Meanwhile the voices in my head have been stirring.  The kids are getting rather chatty.  They haven't knocked on my door so far in their "Mommy!  Look at me!  Look at me!" way but I can hear their murmurs.

There's IC and GA as well Chloe and my NaNoWriMo novel attempt from last year.  There have also been stirrings from the novel project Jim G. asked me to co-write with him.  (That's been sort of put on hold due to life being a little on the chaotic side.)  Some of my other kids have been making a little noise, but I'm hoping they can either entertain themselves long enough to let me finish this story or possibly offer some insight as how to proceed.

Maybe I can find some help in a bottle of beer.

Now if I just had some beer.

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

The Kids Won't Let Me Kill (What's Up With That?)

"This place feels so unfamiliar and yet I know it well.

I think i used to belong here."

-from the song "Spanish Doll" by Poe

The kids are restless again... only this time, it's more than just IC and GA.

Chloe (from my first novel pre-NaNoWriMo) is starting to talk to me again.  I thought she'd be busy with her art and such, but nope.  She's got some things to say about her story.  Her whispers in my ear haven't been as constant, but combined with the other kids and their chatter, it's been a little distracting.

I've been having random voices chatting about in my head during the day.  Sucks that I don't have a Matrix-like USB port in the back of my head where I can just download the voices into a thumbdrive and save it for later.

But nope.

It hasn't helped much since I haven't been feeling up to snuff these past couple days.  I'm better now, but sheesh... I wasn't great before.

Thursday night I was hanging out with Leah G. and Jim G.  We had dinner, watched some shows, hung out.  I had a bit of a headache which was sinusy-related.  I snacked on some chips before mealtime so as to not spoil my dinner, and I was drinking water (since sometimes my headaches are dehydration-induced).  Perhaps the headache was from not having eaten yet that day.  Insomnia had kept me awake again for most of the night so I didn't actually fall asleep until the sun came up.  In trying to get some rest, I got a text from Leah G. about coming over.  She picked me up around 4pm, I went with her to the store and then it was off to home.  The headache had started earlier that day but was weak.  I had hopes that food would help which would fill my stomach leaving me not hungry and with enough grub in me to take some meds.

Yeah.  No.

Jim G. got a cold pack for the back of my neck which helped the back of my head (since the pain went from the front left of my head to the back leaving the top of my head untouched).  Getting cold from the pack, I curled up on the love seat and draped a blanket over me.  We watched Burn Notice (which is one of the shows he reviews).  I think I nodded off for small bits at the end.  Then he disappeared into the office with his notes to finish his review while Leah G. and I chilled in the living room.

The pain got worse and started to make me feel nauseous.  Jim G. thought caffeine might help and made me a cup of coffee.  I had taken a Sudafed a couple hours before and with the mild nausea, I did not want to tempt fate with other meds.  I wasn't truly sure the coffee was such a good idea, but when you're in that much pain, you'll try almost anything to stop it.  He made me a small cup as I sat on the love seat and disappeared back into the office.  I had debated on grabbing a can of soda from the fridge instead since I thought that would go down easier, but I just concentrated on being still and willing the pain away.

Usually I hang out late, but I asked Leah G. to take me home.  Jim G. put my coffee in a travel cup and hugged me.  I hugged Leah G. as well even though she was taking me home since I didn't know what state I'd be in when we got to my house.

The drive home was a little painful.  They don't live that far away from me, but I sat there awkwardly, breathing in a lamaze kind of way, staring at a fifteen-degree angle appreciating the view of part of the dashboard and my knees.  When we got to my house, I eventually made it to my room where I just collapsed with my cat next to me and died...

... for about six hours.

Yeah.  That's right.  I slept for about six hours.

For some frakkin reason my body thought it needed to be awake.  There were no car alarms going off or garbage trucks or dogs barking or whatever.  I just apparently HAD to be awake.  I checked my phone.

It was 2:30am.

All the water I had been drinking needed to be set free so I meandered to the restroom and let it loose in the wild via the plumbing.  I avoided the mirrors on the way back to my room (one in the bathroom, two in the hallway) and tried to die again, but my body wasn't having it.

Still feeling headachey and tummy-icky (though less so at this point), I popped open the minibook and attempted to entertain myself.  I had hoped that I'd tire of the internet and head off back into the blackness, but no.  YouTube and Hulu and Twitter and Facebook proved to be distractors (<=== is it just me or does that sound like a Decepticon line of Transformers?  Five robots that transform into YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, Hulu and your email.  Together they form DISTRACTOR!) 

Yeah.  I've lost it.

Anyway, I tried to get some writing done in the process but the serial killer thing didn't get much attention.  IC and GA got some time.  It wasn't much, but what there was turned out to be about GA... and I introduced his mother.  There was also mention of his father.  Wow.  Perhaps I am turning this into an actual story.  Goodness me!

My head was starting to ache again so I grabbed the coffee I hadn't touched since I got home (sleep and all that, you know) and sipped at it cautiously in case it told my stomach to do something funny.  It was cold though yummy.  (Jim G. had brewed me some half-caff.)  I also noshed on the apple Leah G. didn't use in her dinner recipe (which was YUMMY by the way).

It was plump and delicious.  I must ask them what kind it was since I have no idea.  I just know it's different than the usual ones I snack on.

Sleep finally came again well into the lighted hours.  Head was less crappy, but my tummy was not amused.  I cuddled up with my kitty and proceeded off into Slumber Land.

As I tried to nod off, for some reason my favorite song from Maroon 5's "It Won't Be Soon Before Long" album was stuck in my head ("Won't Go Home Without You"), but the thing was every time it started to play in my head, it would immediately transition to "Never Gonna Leave This Bed" which is from their recent album "Hands All Over".

Yes, I'm a fan.  Problem?  Tough.  Get over it!

So I grabbed my mp3 player, buried my face into my pillow, and listened to Adam Levine sing, "I asked her to stay, but she wouldn't listen..."  I replayed the song several (billion) times.  I even have my own video version of the song that plays in my mind when I hear it.  I was like that with all their albums.  It's just how my mind works.

Don't judge me!

The fragmented sleep I got Friday left me in bed most of the day.  I ate some cracker-like cookies when I eventually got up.  I popped open the minibook and proceeded to check into the world via the interwebs.  My head started to hurt again so I used my nasal decongestant spray to hopefully unblock stuff... which made my nose a little runny... and then I wiped at my nose with tissue and it came away a little bloody.

Yay!  (<=== that was sarcasm in case you were wondering)

Eventually I got hungry enough to leave my room, so I shoved some tissue up my nose and headed into the kitchen.

Landlady: (passing me in the hallway) Hey.
Me: (mumbling while shuffling since yes... my left calf was still slightly Charlie-horsed and my foot was stiff/sore for some reason) Hey.
Landlady: You okay?
Me: (mumbling again) Head hurts. Bloody nose.  Tummy hurts.  Leg's bothering me.
Landlady: Oh.
Me: (mumbled sarcasm) So other than that, I'm great.
Landlady: (laughs)

I reheated some broccoli mushroom chicken and rice my mother had sent me home with from Thanksgiving and brought it back to my room to eat it while watching some Hulu.  (I need to time when I watch American Horror Story better so I can watch it just before bedtime so I can have interesting dreams.)

I've had weird dreams lately anyway (partly maybe due to the sleeping aid pills I've been taking on occasion or just because my brain is possessed).  One of my dreams had me wake up in a bedroom that looked like it was part of a log cabin or cottage (wood walls, etc) but it was really nice.  I had no idea where I was so I peeked through the blinds and saw a town I didn't recognize.  Then it turned out that I was there to marry some royal someone or other to further the royal line.  At first I protested but in true romance novel, Lifetime movie fashion, I got to know the guy (who in my dream was HOT and great in the sack... kind of like a cross between the Sheriff from Once Upon A Time and Henry Cavill from The Tudors.)  We ended up getting married and living all kinds of happily ever after.

And for some reason I was really comfortable walking around naked.

Again... don't judge me.

Anyway, veering off topic.

I started writing again only this time it was Chloe's turn.  IC and GA had gone off to play or whatever, and Chloe was telling me about her interactions with other people in her story.  So I started writing about that.  (Right now she's about to have Chinese food with a friend and tell him a big secret.  Way to go, Chloe.  That's mighty brave of you.)

And that means nothing to any of you since none of you know the story.  (Sorry.)

So here I am now trying to finish this post to so I can try and go to bed.  I have nothing to do this weekend due to being stranded at home, and I can't afford to go to a friend's dinner party (boo hoo for me, I know), so maybe I'll do laundry (I have one load) and clean my room and maybe write more.

I also have some Hulu to catch up on.  I have Being Human and Terra Nova to finish up as well as two episodes of New Girl.  I'll probably have a new episode of Grimm tomorrow as well.  And I've been re-watching Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip (thank you YouTube).

I'm an Aaron Sorkin fan.

Nothing much else to report.

Well, I wrote a few things over at Everything At Least Once.  Other than that, I've been trying to be a serial killer whenever the kids leave me alone long enough to be one.

Since this is my main page, I'm trying to write more often in it than I have been (it looks like I've been averaging a post a month... and that's just sad, yo'!).  I checked over at my friend's (in my head) blog - The Bloggess - and she writes like every two to three days... and she has way more going on writing-wise than I do.  So I should be able to keep up with that.  She is my writing model.

And hopefully by the beginning of the year I'll have my story blogs updated in a timely fashion, and I'll have many subscribers and people to chat with via my blog and maybe I'll be discovered by someone who saw my blog and thought it was clever and funny and great, and that person will give me a cool writing job because I'm so cool and...

... and maybe I'll wake up one morning with a nicer rack, slimmer waist, and awesome skin.  My hair will magically be tame and do my bidding, I'll be able to eat as much as I want and not gain weight, I'll be debt-free, I'll have a house made of gold, a unicorn ranch, and Hollywood will be beating down my door.

Yes, dearies.  That was more sarcasm.

Baby steps, woman.  Baby steps.

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

A Serial Killer and the Voices in My Head

"You're just jealous because the voices talk to ME!"
-Unknown

Why is killing people so hard?

Usually it's relatively easy, but for some frakkin reason it isn't now.  Perhaps because I've always done it in onesies and twosies.  Never a sling of them.

How does one get into a serial killer mode?

Music usually helps.  Perhaps I shall peruse my collection of auditory inspiration and crank up some Disturbed or Linkin Park or some other helpful band.  Maybe that'll help.

I wipe it off on tile, the light is brighter this time
Everything is 3D blasphemy
My eyes are red and gold, the hair is standing straight up
This is not the way I pictured me
I can't control my shakes
How the hell did I get here?
Something about this, so very wrong...
I have to laugh out loud, I wish I didn't like this
Is it a dream or a memory? 
-from "Wait and Bleed" by Slipknot

Yeah, I think that's a good place to start.

In other news, the voices have started again.

I'm the kind of writer whose characters speak to her.  (I've always considered myself a healthy schizophrenic which I guess is helpful for a writer, but my characters - my children - are additional voices to add to the cacophony already running amok in my noggin.)

Now the kids are usually polite, clearing their throats in an "um, excuse me" kind of way.  If the kids are in a story I'm working on, that usually works in my favor.  I find them helpful.  But if I'm working on something else, and they try to get my attention, I have to pull the "not now, honey... mommy's busy" card.

And usually they understand.

Usually...

I suppose some explaining is needed here.

As a writer, I collect words, phrases, sayings, names, etc, that pique my interest or strike a chord in me that thinks I could use it in a story someday.  Some time ago (I'm talking years here), I created this lovely name for a character.  (For the sake of this post, I'll abbreviate the name as IC.)  I just loved the name.  Sure, perhaps being the writer, I'm a little biased but let's not pick nits, shall we?

So I had IC tucked away, just a name - no background or physical attributes (though I'd always imagined it to be a girl's name).  I didn't have a story for her yet, but I kept her with me in case one arose.

A couple years later I created another character name - this one we'll abbreviate to GA.  Same thing as IC - a girl name with no story, details, etc.  That was it.

So with the new goal of updating my story blogs to be current as of this year, I was on a roll with updating every single one of them, but this last one has been giving me grief.  (Yes, the serial killer one.)

Wait... I need a refresher...

I... I stand, not crawling, not falling down
I... I bleed the demons that drag me down
I... I stand, (for nothing), not crawling, (the center), not falling down (of calms within the eye)
I... I'll bleed, (for no one), The demons, (but myself), that pull me down (for me and no one else)

- from "Not Falling" by Mudvayne

Ahhh, that's the stuff.

Where was I?  Oh that's right.  My kids.

Every time I open the file on the minibook, the cursor often blinks at me as if to say, "Go on... I dare you."  More often than not, I lose the battle.

Damn you blinking cursor.  How I loathe thee.  *grumble*

Mid-last-month while I worked to "get my serial killer ON", these little voices started pecking at me.  As time went on, they grew more and more persistent (all the while remaining polite as punch).

IC & GA: *clears throats*
Me: (continues to write, swear, eat chocolate, writes again)
IC & GA: *clears throats louder*
Me: (continues to write, swear, whine about lack of chocolate, writes again)
IC & GA: *clears throats even louder*
Me: (giving up for a moment before minibook suffers my wrath) Yes?
IC: Hello.
Me: Yes?  Hello.
GA: Hi.
Me: Can I help you with something?
IC: We need to talk to you?
Me: I'm kinda busy at the moment.  Can it wait?
GA: I don't think so.
Me: I really need to get this done.
IC: But we need to talk to you about something.
Me: What about?
GA: Us.
Me: Both of you?
IC & GA: Yes.
Me: (stares at blinking cursor, wishing for a stiff drink) Okay.  I'm listening.

We started chatting.

As we talked, I had my planner out that my friend Maggie C. gave me at the beginning of the year.  It's a writer's planner with little goodies and such to assist the writer with... well... writing.  I had noticed when initially looking through it that it had a "starter line" on the first of every month.  I had gone back and flagged each starter line.  I had always wanted to do something with those lines and while I talked to the kids, I flipped to January 1st and read the first starter line.

Then I opened a new Word doc... and starting typing up some stuff up off the top of my head.  That made the kids happy, and they went off to play for a while.

Admittedly I didn't write much, but it was something.  And it made the kids happy so it was a sort of "win-win".

I put it away and headed back to serial killer stuff.

Excuse me for a second.

Relax while you're closing your eyes to me
So warm as I'm setting you free
With your arms by your side there's no struggling
Pleasure's all mine this time

-from "Scream" by Avenged Sevenfold

I'm back.  Thanks for waiting.

While out at my mother's for Turkey Day, I actually wrote stuff which is hella odd since my time is limited and the vibes there are usually just wrong for creativity.  But thanks to insomnia, I had some time on my hands.  Granted I should have been sleeping, but insomnia said, "Oh no no no.  If I have to be awake, so do you.  What shall we do to pass the time?  Play some rummy?  Brush our teeth for the hundredth time?  Pick random body parts and test their limits?"

I opted to be productive and try to write... something?  Anything?

I ended up working on the serial killer story, polishing up the segments I had already written and making them into one somewhat cohesive story leading up to the investigative serial killer part.

I must say, I felt rather accomplished.  *takes a moment to high-five self*

That productivity only lasted one night sadly, and it wasn't until I got home that the kids decided to pay me another visit.

IC & GA: *clears throats*
Me: (staring at story, coming up with nothing, and welcoming the distraction) Yes?
IC: You okay?
Me: Just a little frustrated, but what else is new?  How're you guys?
GA: We've been all right.
Me: I'm glad.
IC: But...
Me: But what?

We chatted some more, catching up on this and that.  Then they went off to play with the other kids leaving me alone with the blinking cursor.

So I did what any Writer Mother would do: I opened IC & GA's story and made that blinking cursor my bitch!

Awww yeah!  Take that!  Put your mockery in your pipe and smoke it, wench!

Eventually my steam left my body.  I saved my work, shut the minibook off, shut the lights, and curled up in a ball letting the darkness and sleep take me.

Their story at present is pretty rough.  I have vague ideas about things, like when to reveal more details about the kids (GA is a dude now.  Who knew, right?) and all that, but as far as an actual story?  Yeah.  I couldn't tell you.

For some reason, when I need an opinion on something, I immediately reach out to Maggie C.  I tried sending her what I had written via Facebook, but apparently I'm too much for Facebook, so I ended up emailing it to her.  (I'm still waiting to hear back from her.)

I hung out with Jim G. & Leah G., and when I told them about the kids, Jim G. said, "You could have sent it to me.  I'm a writer.  Hello?"  I honestly hadn't thought of him since his work schedule has been crazy as of late, and when he's home, he's usually watching shows and writing reviews for them for TVLine, catching up on well-deserved sleep, spending time with his wife (Leah G.), or playing SWTOR.  But now his schedule's back to what it once was, and he's back to riding the train, so he's got time.  (I sent it to him tonight when I got home from their house.)

The kids seem happy for the moment.  I can hear them playing, but they haven't needed to talk to me again.

Meanwhile, I'm making headway on the serial killer thing.

Wait a minute.  I need one more hit.

All I've learned, IT'S LIKE POISON
All I've done, INSIDE MY VEINS
All I've seen, ITS LIKE VENOM
All I know, IT'S ALL THAT REMAINS 

-from "Bulletproof" from Five Finger Death Punch

Yumscious evil!  So tasty.

So yeah.  I would say I'm about halfway, maybe more than halfway actually, done with the killing thing.  I'm currently setting it up for something.  Hopefully I can do it.  I don't think I've written something like this before (meaning this scenario), so it's a bit of a challenge for me.  Hopefully I can pull it off, and people will like it.  (Due date is by the end of this year or sooner if I can manage it.)

All righty then.  I think I've blathered on enough.  It's almost 5am (frak you insomnia), and I have stuff I need to do when I wake that requires some sleep.

Tra la la.  Teedle da.  Hibbledy hobbledy.  Shim sham sha-boing.

And you can quote me on that!  *grin*

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

A Little Bit of Writing & A Lot Less Sleep

"Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it, because nobody else will."
-Tyler from the movie "Remember Me"

Now would you look at that.  I'm posting again, and it's barely been only a week.

Contain yourselves, people.  Calm down.  Take a breath.  It's only me.

Nothing too fabulous to report, I'm afraid.  At least on the writing front.

I've been trying to do some writing - any writing - these days, but the magical mojo that filled me with previous stories and blog posts has gone on vacation somewhere, and I don't know when it'll be coming back.

I've been doing a little writing here and there.  A couple words here, a sentence or two there.  Nothing fluid.  Nothing real.

I guess the biggest thing I did was while I was at my mother's over the weekend.  Insomnia took hold so I wasn't going to bed until almost sunrise and then getting maybe four hours of sleep a night.

Random babble for a moment, but... I hate it when people blame me for my insomnia.  Perhaps, in a sense, yes - there is something that I can do to help it away, but at the moment, I haven't found what that thing is.  Instead, I lay in bed completely awake and tired all at the same time.  If I could do anything about it, I would.  But alas, I'm at a loss.  And then there are those people that seem to know when they hear of my insomnia what the answer is.  Do you have insomnia?  No.  Then shut the frak up!  You don't have it so you don't know.  I've tried teas, pills, stretches, meditation, silence, etc.  If I had a nickel for every time someone said, "Just turn the lights off, lay down, and close your eyes", I'd be Oprah-rich.  Really?  Close my eyes?  Is that all I have to do?  Well, thank you citizen for doing your part to help mankind.  Now run along and spread your stupidity somewhere else... far FAR away from ME!

Okay, done with my random babbling.  Thank you for indulging me.  Where was I?

Ahhh yes, I killed someone.

Usually at my mother's there is so much going on, I barely have time to read much less write.  Last year when I did NaNoWriMo, I couldn't write at all at my mother's.  November is a bad month in general since it's also my birthday month as well as Thanksgiving.  Where is there time to write with all that going on?  Also my mother and her husband don't have wifi so it was difficult to update my status for the event even if I did write anything.

So it was a surprise to me when I whipped open the laptop, took out my notes, plugged into my Pandora account (thank you iPhone)... and wrote.

Well, more like fixed. 

I had been working on the story for my "wheels" story blog, but always came up against a wall and ended up stopping.  I did that a lot.  This story is a lot like a bad traffic jam.  Start.  Stop.  Start.  Stop.

The story itself was in pieces.  I had started it at the office of a job I was doing for a month or so during breaks and slow down time.  I printed up what I did and took it home and tried to work on it there.  I changed some things, wrote a little more.

Gawd, I was moving along at a snail's pace.  Slower than a snail.  Snails were whizzing by me, giving me the finger and mocking me as they passed.

I'm marvelling at the fact that I got any writing done at all at my mother's, but there I sat, story open on the minibook staring at the part where the dude finds his woman dead at home.  It was there that I had blanked out, as if my brain did not want to PASS GO and collect $200... or in my case, the rest of the damn story.

So at whatever-o'clock-in-the-morning, I fleshed out the scene where he comes home and finds her.  I got as far as him staying elsewhere due to his home being a crime scene and the cops keeping him updated on what they found, checking out alibis and all that.

Now I just have to string it along into a serial murder.


Dun-dun-dunnnnnnn...!!!

So yes, I finally killed the woman (which took FOREVER), but now I have to kill more people and link it all together.  How the hell am I going to do that?

Aside from killing women, old stories have been popping into my head asking me to play with them.  While mentally having tea with these old ideas, I tried to concentrate on the serial murder bit so I could finish the story and feel accomplished and all that.  So far that story is like 6 or 7 pages, and I haven't gotten to the serial part of it.

But my other stories, one in particular (my old novel "Chloe"), has been knocking on my door with an "I will not be ignored" kind of demeanor.  So... I whipped out my notebook and pen and started doodling.  Doodles became words, and I wrote something of a scene.  I also have ideas on how to change things to make a little more sense.

And there it is... writing at my mom's.  It all happened I think either on the day before or the day of Thanksgiving, and the moment didn't last long, but I wrote.

Yay me!  (happy dance for minor accomplishment)

The magical mojo has slipped once again.

I also thought about writing something for a contest my friend Maggie C. sent me.  She sent it earlier in the month, but I got it later than that (just because I didn't see it in my email... yeah, I suck).  She sent it saying "Because you have awesome voice."  Admittedly that made me smile, and I read up on the prompt ideas and thought of some stuff, but I don't know.  The deadline is tomorrow night by midnight, so... we'll see.

In the meantime, hopefully things in my life will improve and be less of a distraction to my writing... among other things.  I'm hoping something happens this week.  That would be splendid.  Really, really splendid.

All right, I think that's enough for now.  I shall check y'all later.  Hope your lives are all kinds of wonderful.  xoxoxoxo

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

A Welcomed Distraction From My Downward Spiral

"I want to learn how to blow shit up with my mind."

-Freaky Student from the movie "Accepted" 

I just had the most lovely day.

Why?  Let me give you a hint.

Subtle, eh? Subtle... and delicious!

Yes.  Yesterday was my birthday (although according to Kathy W., it isn't the next day until the sun comes up... and it's still dark).

Regardless, I had a lovely birthday.

For one solid day (and a little bit the night before - thanks again to Kathy W. and Steve C.) I had a stress-free day.  (I think everyone's birthday should be stress-free.  No drama.  No difficulties.  No fighting.  Just all around fun, fun, fun.  Nothing better than smiles, laughs and awesomesauce good times.)

Birthday niceties started early afternoon on Saturday when I received a birthday card from my mother in the mail.  It continued later that night at The Cabin with Kathy W. (Steve C. was napping).  I had originally come over for company, cheering up as well as some distraction from the current state of my life.  

Boy do I suck? I'm so out of practice. I seem to be better at Dr. Mario though not by much at present.

We drank, played Tetris Attack, shot the shit and later when Steve C. joined us watched a couple movies ("Dead Guys Don't Wear Plaid" and "Date Night").  When I wasn't paying attention, after midnight, Kathy W. surprised me with a small bowl of yummy ice cream with a "candle" for me to blow out.

Due to lack of candle accessibility, Kathy W. was resourceful and used a toothpick.  It lacked flame staying power, but it remained lit long enough for me to make a wish and blow it out.

Kathy W. also gave me my presents which was an awesome sparkly turtle shot glass and a cute "Zipper Pal" (an adorable blue bunny with my name on it).  She joked that it's just in case in my elderly state I happen to forget my name.  The bunny (which shares my name) keeps watch over my car along with the yellow turtle she got me from her trip to Thailand.

I went home after the last movie was over.  It was still raining which for is extremely happy-making for me.  (I like rain.  I find it peaceful and pretty.)

The plan was to go to catch a double feature at The Retro Dome.  The movies for viewing?

Sunday November 20

2:30pm Time Bandits

4:45pm The Adventures of Baron Munchausen

I'd seen both films years ago (I'm a big Terry Gilliam fan) but hadn't revisited them in a while.

I had set my alarm to wake me a good time before the movie, but the water was off when I woke up (repairing a leak in the sprinkler system in the front yard).  Around this time, Jimbo texted me, and when I mentioned my lack of a shower issue, I was invited to shower at his place.  I got my stuff together, stopped at the gas station to fuel "Libby", and then headed to the "Kitty Compound".  (They have four cats.  It's what I call their place on occasion.)

Per habit, I always knock before I enter, and when I heard "Come in", I opened the door to see Jimbo and Leabo on the couch watching TV.

I saw this message also when I walked in which is directly opposite from the front door.

I bathed (they have an awesome shower) and chatted with them while I got ready.  (I also like Leabo's dryer + diffuser.  Neat!)  While away from my phone, my father called and left a "Happy Birthday" message for me.  (He recently moved to Oklahoma but his place isn't ready yet so he said once his phone and computer were set up, we'd chat.  Shortly after, the caller ID said my brother was calling me so I answered to him and my niece singing me Happy Birthday.  I quickly ran into the living room and put it on speaker because it was so damn cute, I just had to share.

I swear, no sound is better than hearing my niece say "Auntie Rachel".  Ohhh, it just kills me every time.  Add an "I love you" to that, and I just want to grab her and smother her with hugs and kisses.  (Okay, so I already want to do that regardless, but that's beside the point.) 

The cutest little Raggedy-Ann (sans wig) you ever did see!

When I was done chatting with my brother and finished getting ready, I headed out to meet Kathy W. and Steve C. who were treating me to the movies.  A phone call from my mother, soda, nachos, Red Vines, two films and many hugs and birthday wishes later - we parted company.

For me, it was back to Jimbo and Leabo for dinner and TV.  (Kathy W. and Steve C. were also invited but they were tuckered out so opted out to get warm and rest up.)  Jimbo was making dinner (yumtastic pasta).  We all chatted while dinner was prepared.  I thought dinner was the present, but they surprised with a gift.  I got two cards (one that sings, one that doesn't), a Devil May Cry t-shirt (since I am The Devil's Only Daughter) and a pretty scarf Leabo made herself.  After pasta, there was cake (as noted above in my HINT). *grin*

Ahhh yes.  It was such a lovely day.  Much needed whether it was my birthday or not.

Without getting into details that will either bore you or make you want to slit your wrists, I will simply say I haven't had the best of luck lately.  Money's tight, full-time work is scarce, energy levels (as well as positivity levels) are low, and insomnia has been rearing her ugly head again.  All of that stress and some other drama have been making my innards knot up with nausea, and I have spent infrequent moments curled up in the fetal position wishing to hide from the universe until it likes me again.

Dear Universe: Start loving me again, please? Hopefully Yours, Me.

What's worse?  My writing juju seems to have vanished due to the copious amounts of crap I've been dealing with lately.  It's taken my creativity and replaced it with cobwebs and dust mites.

OH THE HUMANITY!!!

The other night I was at Jimbo and Leabo's place while they were out with Kathy W., Steve C., and some other friends gaming.  (I can't recall if it's Star Wars or D&D... or if they're still playing both on alternate weeks.  Or I may be getting that mixed up with some of my other friends that also tabletop game two games alternatively week to week.  I don't know.  I don't play tabletop RPG's all that often so I could just be remembering things incorrectly or clumping them all into one big gaming memory.)

In any case, I sat alone in their condo enjoying the peace and quiet, trying to work on some writing.

As you can guess, nothing really came of it.  Hell, even this post has been like pulling teeth.  I've started and restarted and re-restarted, but it's been a few days already.

Can anyone say SHEESH?!?!

I am currently working on a few things...

• The main thing is a short story for my Wheels-o-Wonder page.  Still working out the death scene, but it's coming together.  Not sure how long it'll be in the end.  (How many pages is a short story usually?)
• Then there's the "Chuck" piece that I've been working on and for some reason is taking FOREVER to come together in my head.  And to add to the sadness that it's the show's last season (the two-hour season finale title and airdate have been announced already), Hulu has been having licensing issues so I've only seen the first episode.  I think I have found alternate means but we shall see how that pans out.
• My first novel (not the one I did for NaNoWriMo last year) has been creeping back into my mind.  I suppose Chloe (main character) has some ideas she wants to run by me.
• There's also another thing I've started.  I really shouldn't have though nothing much has come of it at the moment.  I had created two character names (one a while ago, one recently) that I wanted to use in something but they didn't seem to fit into anything I've already established.  I'd originally thought I'd make both characters girls, but I've ended up at present making one a girl and one a boy.  They'd been poking my brain wanting to come out, so I wrote a little scene (using a planner a friend gave me that has "story starter" lines posted at the first of every month).  So far it's just a quick blurb but at least it's something.

Still, I'd like to finish the first story where I've just killed the wife but it's slower than molasses after that.  (I'm not good at conspiracies, I don't think... at least not in writing.)

The peace and quiet was very much appreciated, but I have nothing to show for it.  It's like I'm under some spell that I can't break.  I can hear my muses yelling at me, poking me with their ideas, but the more I try to reach them, the more my head hurts.

Perhaps that's the reason I've been getting headaches and migraines lately...

I had made a goal a few years back to be "published" by my 35th birthday.  The closer to my goal's due date, it looked more and more like things weren't going to pan out.  That doesn't mean I'm not going to stop trying.

Booyah!

So yeah.  The day I just had was a well-appreciated, much-needed vacation from the never-ending downward spiral which has been my life as of late.  I really hope it ends and ends SOON!!!  Like, oh I don't know... NOW?

It'd be nice if the universe took my birthday as an example of what I'd like my life to be like.  (Pretty please?  With sugar on top?  I'll be your best friend.)

"Help you I can! Yes! Mm!"

I would like to thank all my loved ones for all their texts, tweets, Facebook messages, kind words and sweet gestures that made today simply splendid. 

I would also like to thank you for all the love and support you've given me in these recent trying times.

I love and appreciate you and are so lucky to have each and everyone in my life.

Much love, hugs and blessings to all y'all!

xoxoxo

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae