MONDAY - JULY 6, 2020
I thought I got up this morning later than I had meant to, but it turns out, I was fine. It seems to be going like that for me these days. I think I'm running a little behind when in fact, I'm not. Got ready, prepped breakfast and lunch to take to the office, got to work early, and everything was good.
Well, you know what I mean.
I have a rant. I'll try and make it short, but if you know me, you know that sometimes is a challenge for me. But here goes.
In the time that I've been at my current job, communication has been an issue (in a variety of degrees), and I speak up as best I can about it, but it seems to fall on deaf or short-term-memory/forgetful ears. When I became a department lead, I thought maybe I'd be heard more... better... something - but it doesn't feel that way. I continue to speak up in hopes of bettering communication, but it feels more like a win-some/lose-some thing (annoying, but I try to roll with the punches). It feels at times like a teenager default-saying "okay" to a parent just to be polite or end the conversation. Sometimes I think "maybe it's because I'm a woman" which sounds odd to say, but I've said things in meetings that get that teen "okay" kind of response but then nothing happens. Yet - when a man says the same thing in the same or a later meeting, it feels more like "Excellent idea. Let's do that!" I really don't want that to be the case, but it's been proven a few times so far when helping out the new guy. He's aware of where I'm coming from and my views on things, and he agrees with me. When we haven't heard back about something, he says he'll bring it up to his "BFF"or the "The Captain" (using codewords here for people we work with). And when he has, people listen. We have a theory that they don't know how to deal with women employees (which I hate the idea of, but I think of when my old department manager and when she went on maternity leave. She ended up giving birth a month early, and then later at the next meeting, I get asked if I know when she's coming back. (She just gave birth to her daughter. "I know. I just thought you may have talked to her.") I remember thinking 1. She just pushed a human getting out of her body. I don't think she's talking to anyone - especially not about work. I don't want to think it's a woman issue, but then again - no one is really doing anything to prove to me it's something else.
But things still need to get done, and instead of being the person that just lets things go with the reasoning of "you didn't say anything" - my modus operandi has become to ask or say something a few times - keeping track of what/when - and then do my own thing. I'm not going to keep hounding you about something, never getting a response, and then let the thing sink. Nope. I'm going to take care of it my way. And if you have a problem with it - you should have answered me when I asked you... maybe not the first or second time, but at least by the 60th.
Exaggeration - but you get my point.
I'm not going to be that "Are we there yet?" type of person that asks every day the status of the thing that I was told would be taken care of, and it clearly hasn't been. If that happened to me, I'd be in trouble. But the other way around? Not so much.
Instead, I create a workaround for these things - to solve problems - and if every option has been exhausted, then it's time to go from the "squeaky" wheel to the "crankier, louder" one.
I will never forget the time I got reamed for not doing my "due diligence" on something when I was never told it was happening in the first place. How the fuck are me and my team supposed to prepare for something when everyone else knew about what was going on? But instead Lumbergh [if you get the reference, fist bump to you] calls insisting to talk to me and the reads me the riot act about why things weren't handled even though it was the Captain's fault (and he copped to it, too). Then when things got sorted, I don't remember a thank you of any kind. Instead, when he returned to the office the next day, I was somehow still in trouble. He asked me to meet with him so we could talk about it (translation - blame me for it some more). At the time, he was sharing an office with a co-worker who knew it was a Lumbergh/Captain snafu. So when we chatted, he acknowledged it was Captain's mistake, but still asked, "How can we prevent this from happening again?" I held my inner bitch back and simply said, "Let my team know next time so we can be better prepared." After that, I think he realized that it truly wasn't my fault - but nope, still no apology - and then started asking all these questions sounding like the proverbial "WHY?!" kid.
L: Why couldn't you reach the business?
Me: Because no one answered when we called.
L: Why didn't you try another number?
Me: There was no other number. Usually, we try to pull information from the agreements on file if the numbers we have aren't working, but we aren't able to do that now.
L: Why not?
Me: My department no longer has access to those files.
L: Why?
Me: Because when the company hired someone to handle production and those files, we no longer had access to them. If my team had viewing rights to them, it would help when trying to find alternate ways to reach out to the business contacts.
And so on and so forth.
There was more chit-chat about the matter, most of it about my team and what would better help my team, and I remember thinking "You couldn't have added this to your prep work for this damn venture? Instead, you're getting on my case about something that could have easily been avoided if you just planned appropriately?
When creating a process, I try to think of all things that need to be considered - All Points A-Z and back again. But they don't seem to do that. They seem to have an idea and plan to create a plan, but when people question them - basically finding missing pieces - they just seem to want to fly past them and get to the end which is no way to work. You can't just do Step 1 and hit the final step with nothing done in between. It's just not logical.
Like recently - I had been handling a task for a while now, helping out an employee who eventually found another job and left the company late last year. So I took it over completely. I had sent out emails to everyone involved to report their project results to me, I'd note my documents and then update the appropriate people. But for some reason, it was difficult for them to do even that. They would either email EVERYONE under the sun (including me) or not email me at all - so then I'd have to gather information for each branch, ask for status, and then I'd usually get "Oh yeah, that's done." I'd remind them of the procedure, they'd apologize, I'd update what they gave me... and then have it happen all over again.
So then the process of the project changes, and Lumbergh wants me to execute the new changes. I - as well as a couple other people - asked questions, one of which was the accounting side. Captain had requested the change, and Lumbergh was the make it happen. But the end bit that no one was answering for me was the accounting side. (There have been a number of issues that have come up where accounting wasn't thought of or notified until well into whatever project at the time which would cause her to get mad, and I would just sit there stunned that no one told her.) So here I was - getting emails from Lumbergh with no reply to my replies. I also wouldn't see the accounting side being handled and would continue to ask, but he would just want me to press on. I told him that I didn't feel comfortable starting the process until the complete process was solidified - which meant dealing with the accounting issue.
And guess what? The project was taken away from me. And handed to the new guy DL. The thing is - DL and I talk all the time so when I didn't hear back from Lumbergh, DL messaged me with "Guess who's taking over the project?" I immediately got upset and went to his office to talk about it... especially after he said that he told Lumbergh he'd talk to me about how to handle the project, and Lumbergh apparently said (which I would not put past him), "No... I don't like the way she does things." There was supposedly a chuckle in there, but I was like "Okay, whatever." Lumbergh was supposed to have a meeting with DL the next day for training on how to take care of the project. After the meeting, I asked DL how it went. DL said they didn't train - instead Lumbergh told him to talk to me about how to do things. When he told me that, I thought "Oh so he can tell you what he specifically doesn't like and change it?" But nope. He's doing the same thing I was doing.
There were also emails being sent out to everyone to not report to DL and also thanking me for helping while the old rep was out, and I wanted to say, "We had been working on it together. I even took it over at one point, and then completely when he left." My best guess is that he only moved the project - and did not change the process of it - because I questioned him. (And was defiant?) And also after all this was changed over, guess what? Emails to Captain and accounting about how to handle the accounting side of things. WTF? Why couldn't this have been the conversation when I'd asked about it before? But nope. And it was still handled in the timeframe that would've made me working on it still doable.
But would do I know? I'm just a girl.
[insert exasperated heavily sarcastic eyeroll and explicit personal violent thoughts here]
But the common sense - lack of giving a fuck - seems to be trickling down to my team. I do my best to communicate with everyone - send emails - add a frak ton of notes (since more is better than not enough). I send out emails with updates to keep the team in the loop (you know - that communication issue thing). People from other departments come to me for help and when they send emails out, I'm cc'd on them so I know what's going on - but people still don't use common sense. I mean, I'm fine with helping people, but it's getting to the point where I'm starting to think "Are you lazy?"
I'm the kind of person when I go shopping, I'll look on my own, and if I can't find what I'm looking or, THEN I ask for help - but only after I've exhausted every option. Same with work. If an issue comes up, I will go through everything at my disposal before poking someone and saying "Hey, what's up with this?"
[I randomly had a flash of the Scooby Gang from "Buffy" researching all the texts in the library to try and help defeat the enemy. Why can't I have a Scooby Gang?]
One of the first things I do when I get to the office is check my email to see if there's anything I either need to take care of or need to know about and prep my team for the day and then the week. In all the jobs I've had, I think I've taken the idea that everyone checks their email not only in the morning but periodically throughout the day like I do for granted since that's obviously not happening.
When the new guy brings up an issue with me, he's already gone through what he has access to and has found nothing. Then I do the same on my end, and if I find something - great. If not - I help him brainstorm to give him options.
A former member of my team had the habit of DM'ing me saying things like "Hey, that email that [insert employees name here] sent. What does she want?" I think Did you read the email?... If you did, did you understand it?... And also, DID YOU ASK HER? SHE SENT THE FUCKIN' THING! NOT ME!" He did this A LOT - and I would usually point out an email was sent out about it, and his reaction was always along the lines of "Oh, really? One sec while I check." I never really waited and continued to work when he was pop back on with, "Ahh, okay found it." and then disappear until the next dumb question.
I mean, really. What is so wrong about asking the source questions about their request? Yes, I'm your department lead, but you do have a brain in your head, right? Are you using it? (Wow, that sounded mean, but really, the general consensus about this person is basically the same across the board. Even when he gave his two weeks - which was only sent to me and the other department-lead instead of the people that actually handle his paycheck and exit interview - he said his last day was 7 days instead of 14. Later when we asked him for the umpteenth time if he had emailed Captain and the office manager, he just commented on the wrong date.
[Side Rant - What is it about sending out an email that has maybe three questions on it, and the person replies only answering the first one? Hello? Did you reach your word quota today? What about the two other questions? (Am I the only one this happens to?)]
I sent out an email about a client update to my team and another department that would need to make revisions based on the call I received. The client reported they'd be down for the day and was in a rush to get off the phone and almost hung up on me. In my email, I included the info from the call, events affected that day, but since the client give me an eta on when they'd be back online, I included other events later in the week that could be affected, but said that my team should reach out to them later in the day for an update. The other department replied to the email saying they'd either check back with us or the email for any updates. (You know - proof they fuckin' read it and understood what was happening.)
Since I had not seen a reply from my team to the email, I brought up a pending event for the contact information to call them back when I saw a note from one of my team that showed (via date/time-stamp) that she had spoken with them recently... long after I had spoken with them that morning. So I messaged her on our group Slack asking if she called or texted that person (since the note didn't say). I also referenced the email I had sent out. She came back with she didn't realize it was for the same client and also saw no notes in the event she noted.
- How could you not know? If you actually read the email, it had all the information RIGHT THERE?
- Why would I note a future event when all the information was in the email, and we were just needing to confirm with the client on their return to service status.
- I also asked you a clarifying question (did you call or text?) - a question you didn't answer, so that clearly tells me you not only did NOT read my email but also did NOT read my current message to you.
With all the communication issues that are happening around the world, I find it just a little extra aggravating that I have to work with people like this. (I think one of her comments was that she was just trying to get through the task she was working on, and that irritates me even more since when completing a task, you need to be aware of everything affecting that task. You may think you're done, but nooooope! That was just the proverbial iceberg tip, my friend.
[Breathe, guuurrrlll. Just breathe.]
Communication and transparency - especially in the workplace - are important to me, so I try to gather as much info as I can and share it with my team either on our private Slack channel or (mostly) in emails to the team. So PLEASE TELL ME what is the point of me sending out this information when you're not going to read it? Also, I shouldn't have to poke every single person about this or that. I messaged EVERYONE - so reply, dammit. Also, everyone has most of the same access as I do so why do I always get silly questions like "Is she off today?" You have viewing access to the schedule online. Look it up.
Work was crap (as you can plainly read), but when I got home, I just zoned out on my computer when Uncle G called. He wanted to let me know about family things and planning Grandma H's funeral. They aren't sure about the date yet - possibly a Thursday or a Friday. They said when things get figured out, they'd let me and my brother know.
I texted my brother about the call afterward asking if he got a call. He said our dad called him saying he got his text. (My father is basically deaf - even with hearing aids, so my brother sent a text while he was still in the hospital saying we were thinking of him and wishing him well.) His wife's funeral is tomorrow. I wonder if he's going to make it out for his mother's funeral next week.
I had a nightcap (Firestone Nitro Merlin Milk Stout), zoned out on the computer, and then tried to sleep.
Anyone else been having weird dreams during this pandemic?
[looks back at what I wrote] Wow! That was really rather ranty.
TUESDAY - JULY 7, 2020
Here's a lazy post for you. Went to work. (Woohoo a la sarcasm and fatigue.)
I'm still getting to work early-ish which confuses me and irks me just a bit. Why oh why does a pandemic get me going more than a regular day? I occasionally think it'd be nice to be one of those people that can get up early, exercise, have breakfast at home, get ready for work, and still get to the office before clock-in time. In truth, I'd settle for being a little more of a morning person (just a little - translation: less likely to kill people on site for irritating me), and be able to live off maybe five hours of sleep and still be active with loads of energy.
Fuck - it's also be nice to have a regular sleep cycle and banish insomnia and the occasional sleep paralysis from my life!
I even hit McD's for some breakfast before getting to work, and I was still there early. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? Maybe it's the traffic, but nowadays it's gone from being very few cars on the road to WHERE THE HELL DID ALL THESE PEOPLE COME FROM? kind of traffic.
Work was... well.. work. I'm trying to not be upset so much about it, but it's hard. With all the crazy stuff happening in the world, my work-life seems to want to join in the fun thinking "Hey, let's kick the crazy up a notch." I try to breathe and relax and think peaceful thoughts even though John Wick-style scenarios are running through my head, and I don't even have a dog.
Wow. That was babbley. Sorry about that. But I'm sure you knew what I meant.
Work gives me the grumblies. It's more of the same leaving me to think "Is it because I'm a woman?" or "Is it because you don't like me?" or "Is it because you're an ignorant little fuckhead?"
Does meditation work? I've tried the sitting still kind, but with my insomnia, it evolves into a nap. A friend once told me that there are different ways to meditate - she's an artist, so she meditates through her painting or crafting. I used to be able to meditate through my writing, but the moment I stop moving at home, I experience the longest blink ever and then need to head right back to bed.
My life after work was more of the usual same - go home, maybe cook something, possibly nap or zone out on my phone or the computer, and the retire for the rest of the night.
It's almost like a really fucked up Groundhog Day, but it's not the same day - only feels like it.
WEDNESDAY - JULY 8, 2020
Whenever my mornings start off stupid, it always seems to be a precursor for the whole day.
This morning while getting ready for work, Uncle G called. I was about 90% done and was "putting my face on" so I put him on speaker phone. He called to tell me that he spoke with my brother about Grandma H's funeral which was now scheduled for next week Thursday.
My brother and I both feel the same about travel and visiting family, etc, during these times. We still don't feel it's safe, and even though we miss everyone terribly, we're holding off until things are MUCH better than they are now.
Uncle G said that my brother told him that money was an issue, so he was taking a pool up amongst the aunts and uncles to get us to come down to SoCal to be at the service. (From what he'd told me before, Grandma H would have a service and burial the same day, limited people (about 40? - all family), and he said that it was agreed with the people down there that since we were her first grandkids, we should be there.
I told him I had to talk to my brother since it'd be the both of us, and with times as they were, I wasn't sure if I could take the time off work, etc. Also would need to plan with my brother, etc. But I said I'd talk with him, and we'd be in touch.
After the call ended, I was rushing a bit since I felt like the call took more out of me than I thought. I sat down and sent a Marco Polo video message to my brother which felt like a lot of nonsense, but he got it. I then texted him to let him know Uncle G called me, and I sent him a Marco Polo about it.
He texted me later after he saw the message.
Sounds like our uncle didn't hear everything and concentrated just on the money part. He later called our uncle to re-explain the travel issues we had, etc. I mean, my mother and her husband live about five minutes away from my brother and his family, and whenever they go to each other's homes to drop something off, they don't touch. My mother and her husband are in the high risk age group. And that made me think if they're in that age bracket, then so are my aunts and uncles and most of my family on my dad's side of the family. Everyone will want to hug and console, and as much as I would like that, we're in the midst of a pandemic. As sad as it is my grandmother passed away, it's realistically not safe to go to her service.
And sadly - I feel a little guilty and bad about not going. I don't think that side of my family is taking this pandemic stuff as seriously as my brother and I are. My brother personally knows people in his life that have passed away due to COVID so he's HYPER AWARE of the risks. I live alone, and even though I miss people, I still know the risks.
I feel logical and justified, but honestly - still a little guilty.
I remember hearing about a woman in one of our remote office who lost a close family member to COVID who was out in the east coast, but no one could travel there to attend the service.
My emotions are all over the place.
When I got to work, it wasn't any better, so the entire day went to pot. I hit the store after work, at some leftovers when I got home, and then felt really down and listless so I just curled up and tuned the world out for a while.
THURSDAY - JULY 9, 2020
I woke up later than I had planned but still got ready in time to gas up the car and hit another drive-thru for some breakfast.
Again it wasn't a good workday, but I'm trying to chalk it up that everyone's stressed, etc, and we're all feeling it. Thing is, I feel like some people are tweaking out more than others and those others are getting the brunt of it, but then telling the tweakers that they're tweaking at us and it needs to stop isn't really going over so well.
Had an Ops Meeting today. My other lead had a family thing so wouldn't be online until close to 4pm (ended up being 5pm), so I was the only one from my department in the meeting. Things involving me were brought up and misquoted but no one seemed to care and were glossed over. Plans for assistance in my department by another person in another department were discussed, but the plans felt incomplete to me since they would need access to a variety of training and tools that they don't have. But nope - this is the plan. The other lead had been training her and updating that woman's manager. I still didn't feel good about it all since "the plan" that I wasn't a part of really didn't have a solid second half. It was more of a "this sounds like a good idea" but then got forgotten about.
I guess we'll see what happens.
Also, I feel like my department is never really thanked or told "good job" during these meetings. I feel like other departments and people are praised and verbally high-fived, but when it comes to my department, it's glazed over or nothing supportive is said at all.
Back when my department manager - we haven't had one in QUITE some time - she'd have one-on-one meetings with each member of the team and would ask us for one good thing, one bad thing, and something that can be improved upon. My "improved upon" had been two things - 1. I know she's our manager, and we technically have to do what she says, but it'd be nice if she "asked" us to do it as opposed to told., and 2. I told her when I got my very first review after I'd been hired, each department had something nice to say about me which was nice to hear. I don't expect to be praised all the time, but it would be nice every once in a while for the team to receive a kind word or words of encouragement every now and then. It does wonders for morale, etc.
She took these things to heart, and the team felt good about it.
Now? I dunno. It feel like some people are "clique-ish" with other people so the occasional praise goes to the "popular kids" so to speak or other people in other departments. But I just get more tasks and no thank yous or anything like that. When I talk with DL, I tell him my ideas, and he brings them up to other people (Captain and Lumbergh) and they listen to him more and then tell him that was a great idea, etc. He tells them it was my idea, but they seem to forget that part. I try to ignore knowing at least the other lead and DL have got my back, but two out of how many? Just doesn't really cut it.
Before I left work, I sent out the proverbial "I'll be OOO Friday" because even though people have access to my department's schedule, there have been times where people were looking for me and didn't realize I was out - so I send emails out EVERY TIME and let them know who will be in the department while I'm out.
I always check-in with DL, and he always says, "FUCK! You're off tomorrow!" I'm not sure there's anyone around that helps him when I'm not there.
I brought the pizza and fried rice that I got from work and headed home to ZOOM with friends. I start to wonder if I'm a good friend, and if people really miss me. I think I'm getting to caught up in my own little black hole of emotions. I need to find some happy thing to go to that brings me out of it. I don't like feeling so internally, emotionally dark.
During the ZOOM, my brother texted me about a phone call he had with our mother. I won't get into it, but my mother was wanting SoCal numbers to talk with people, and my brother and I were suspect about it since we knew how the call would evolve. Eventually, the call ended, but then he ended up texting her the info she wanted and said "Whatever happens happens." He spilled some more and eventually ended the text chat with "OK I'm done talking about this. I feel gross."
Huzzah for frakked up family shit.
Eventually made my way to bed a little later than I would have liked... and had a slight emotional breakdown/mini-panic attack and talked/cried myself to sleep.
You know you're totes jelly. [<== sarcasm]
FRIDAY - JULY 10, 2020
DAY OFF!
Woke up early-ish this morning with my nose COMPLETELY BLOCKED!!! (Thanks emotional breakdown!) I had a bit of a sinus migraine - usually located at one point in the front of my head and one point at the back of my head with the sensation of an invisible spike run through my head connecting the two points (but only the two points hurt).
And yes, it's as fun as it sounds. NOT!!!
The sinus issues were causing my head and tummy to not be happy... but then I realized powerloss was imminent so it was that old familiar tag team of sinuses and Mother Nature.
I was basically a sloth ALL day.
Well, not ALL day. In the early evening, I watched The Old Guard on Netflix. OMFGTHEAWESOMESAUCENESS!!!
Aside from being a HUGE action movie fan, I'm also a huge Greg Rucka fan. First fell in love with his work through comics as well as his Atticus Kodiak books. (That is a book series I'd love to see as a movie/TV series.) His writing style draws me in immediately with only life responsibilities or napcidents/sleep taking me away from reading. His stories are awesome, his storytelling unique, and I just love him and his work.
Okay - enough gushing about that.
BUT DAT ENDING, DOE!!!!!!!!!!
Can I haz Season Two now, plz? Thnx.
SATURDAY - JULY 11, 2020
I DID NOTHING!
Basically - yeah - I did nothing.
I played around on the internet.
I slept off and on.
I may have sorted my trash and recyclables... and eventually ate some food... and had some coffee and tea... but overall, I was a sloth in my own home. I need to tidy up the place. I'm starting to get irritated with myself.
SUNDAY - JULY 12, 2020
Today was... okay?
Got up to go to work, made it to the office. (Solo for a Sunday since everyone else works remotely - and to be honest, the peace and quiet is really quite lovely.)
I still feel a little ranty about work seeing as people have suggestions on how to handle things in my department (including me), but my boss doesn't share the (basically) group collective thought. And for this evening- after I left - the people involved with how to handle things for the evening... it seriously went awry, and I have a feeling I'm going to have to take care of things tomorrow when I get in.
Part of me hopes that this would be an example of what everyone else has been talking about and suggesting and perhaps make him see reason, but in the meantime, I just have to wait it out.
Until then, I followed the plan that I was told was supposed to happen, and I left.
When I got home, it was a lot of the same ol' same ol'. I changed into jammies, made myself a drink, zoned out on the internet, and eventually headed off to bed to rest up for another day of work.
[Thus ends week two.]
Later my lovelies.
Have Goodness!
Rae
No comments:
Post a Comment