Inklings, Wishing & Hopeful Moments

Reed Bennett: You don't keep inklings to yourself! You share them! You're like hey guy, I got an inkling you're headed for a fall here! That's what friends do, that's common knowledge, it's in the damn handbook! 

Alphonso: I've never had an inkling before. I wasn't sure what to do with it. 

-from the movie "Valentine's Day"

August updates are done. I wrote my post for "Everything..." a few days ago. But let's be official about this, shall we?

• Everything At Least Once has been updated with a post about Hotlix Crick-ettes (Bacon & Cheese)

There. Isn't that better?

In other news, I still have a couple stories I just can't seem to get out of my head, and there's a story that I've thought of off/on that has now resurfaced yet again and is distracting me on occasion. It's not bouncing up and down, waving its arms screaming "Look at me! Look at me!", but it's there, and I've been thinking about it. I've got some character names, and a few scenes mentally outlined. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!?!?!

I've also been entertaining doing that daily story thing about something that happened in my life... you know, that thing I mentioned in my last post. It would be a daily update thing as opposed to a monthly update thing (though if the muses will allow, I'd write more than just a month at a time), and it would be current day stuff. I think I already have a title for the blog if I do it. I'm giving myself until the end of the month, and if I do, I'll start it on the first of September.

Been a little more tired than usual lately. I think it's due to helping a friend out. Jess F hurt herself recently. Her wacky right knee did it's random thing of shifting causing her to lose her bout with gravity and boom she fell. In the end, she didn't break anything (though she hasn't gone to the doctor yet, waiting on appointments), but she wounded her ankle, knee and wrist (all on the same side). So I'm being her taxi until she can manage on her own. In doing that (since she started a new job recently), I've had to get up and take her to work as well as pick her up and take her home. I don't mind. Aside from being glad to do it since she's a good friend, she's helped me out in my times of need... so all's good.

I'm also hoping it helps my sleep schedule a bit. So far not, but there's hope... maybe.

I've been packing a writing bag, and after dropping Jess off, going to Jim G and Leah G's house. It's mostly to enjoy the silence while they're both off at work (Leah just got a job working at the same company Jim does), but sometimes I do some writing, or I read a little. I've finally caught up on my shows (thanks to Jim and Leah). I even tried out their new AppleTV (due to their cable provider of choice dropping AMC which would prevent us from enjoying HELL ON WHEELS). Love the show.. and now love AppleTV for allowing us to continue enjoying our show.

In other news, my tummy has been upset recently. It's usually toward the end of the day. I don't much care for it seeing as it hinders any writing progress as well as other things such as mobility (due to wanting to curl up in the fetal position until the ache passes) and even sleep. Most of the time the summertime tummy aches (which usually happen at least once - if at all - a summer season) are due to dehydration issues since I usually only drink when I'm thirsty but in warmer weather, I have to remember to force myself to drink more than I regularly do even if I don't feel thirsty or else I get all icky in my tum tum.

But I've been hydrating my ass off so I'm not sure it's that a little bit or not at all. I'm sure stress rearing its ugly head is contributing to my overall crappy feeling, but hopefully things will change as of next week - the end of the week bringing a ginormous (it's a word in the Fro vocabulary, and I'm pretty sure you can decipher it's meaning) surprise reward for me.

I can't wait for my life to begin again and continue to move forward. I feel like I've been in this slump for so long. Once out of it, maybe my writing will flourish even more. Oh the joy of that idea. And to see my family more.

To do other things.

To get a mani, pedi AND my eyebrows waxed! (It's the little things, you know. Plus, I have shitty cuticles and suck at plucking.)

Oh, to have my life moving forward again as opposed to this flatline of an existence that I've been stuck in for the past... buhjilliontrillion years (at least that's what it feels like... maybe even longer). My friends have made the flatline period of my life bearable as well as the family phone calls and Facetime chats, but still... I dream, wish, hope, pray for better... for more.

So yeah. That's it for now. Waiting for September as well as happy moments to come my way. I feel they've been a long time coming and quite overdue.

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

Entertaining & Contemplating Various Notions

Yakko: It's that time again!
Wakko: To make bizarre faces?
Dot: To encourage kids to send us candy?

-from Animaniacs

Nope. It's time for another August story blog update. (Brought to you by one tired, stressed out Flipchic.)

• Kearie is at part fourteen with Card Game
• Enyo is at part eighteen
• Sanya is at part seventeen with Journeys and Hiding Places

Woohoo! Look at those three updates. You see them? Three nice updates. That leaves two left. I can do two in [looks at calendar] a little less than two weeks.

Oh yeah. I got this... maybe.

So I have yet to "try" anything new for "Everything..."... so there's that issue.

As for "Stoically...", I have three different homework assignments to choose from: #30,  #25, and the dreaded #21. #21 is "Epic".

See, when I think of "Epic", I think of the actual meaning of the word and all those heroic ballads and poems I read in high school. In trying to think of what I could possibly write for this assignment, I also think of what Eddie Izzard said about the word "awesome"... and I just want to honor the true meaning of the word.

In discussing it with friends, however, one friend pointed out (I believe it was Kathy W) this particular definition when looking it up online.

epic - adjective - of unusually great size or extent: a crime wave of epic proportions.

But WTFrak am I supposed to do with that? My mind is drawing a complete blank. Ugh. I suck! (Yes, I know... you're your own worst critic, and I should stop beating myself about this, but dammit. I'm going to have to get to this prompt EVENTUALLY!)

In any case, I just want to write a good story. Well, aiming for better than good, but with this one, I think (in the end) I'll settle for good... okay even. Is that so wrong?

Oh! Speaking of stories, I still haven't heard back from Chris M in regards to the story I sent him. I emailed it off a few days ago, and I know that he and Renee M are looking for a new apartment (closer to my neck of the woods actually oddly enough), but the waiting is killing me. Yes, I have other things to do to distract me, but there are times when the odd thought crosses my mind, and I think Hey! He's got the story! I wonder what he thinks? I hope he likes it. Oh crap! *warning! warning! panic! panic!*

Yes. I know I'm crazy, but we knew this already. Your point? 

In other news, ever since Kathy W introduced me to Shazzbaa and her online comic Today Nothing Happened (which is now finished), an idea of a similar fashion has been muddling around in my mind. 

First I should explain her comic, and what better way to do it than with her own words from her own website:

So, what is Today Nothing Happened?

"Today Nothing Happened" is a journal comic that was started as a project in my Getting Published and Self-Publishing class. We were to draw one comic a day, for 28 days, mostly so that we could make a minicomic and website out of them; however, I enjoyed the project so much that I decided to keep it going for as long as I could.

Even when things seem ridiculous, remember: this is a journal comic. That means there's truth in every page. 

Now with that in mind, what do you think my idea could possibly be? (I'm pretty sure y'all can figure it out.)

I kept thinking perhaps I could do a written version of that. But then I thought Yeah, that's what I need. Yet ANOTHER blog to update. When thinking about, it sounds like a diary of some kind, in a sense, but for me it'd be short stories - a little story snippet of each of my days. I don't necessarily think my life is all that interesting, but hey, it's just an idea.

Today I had a job interview, and I met an older man whom I shared a parking meter with (he had parked behind me), and I just can't get the niceness of my brief time with him out of my mind. A part of me thought about writing about it, and that brought me back to this idea.

What do you think? Is it worth it? Should I try? Do any of you care? What would I call it?

Anyway, aside from that, I've been toying around with Jillian S's story. I honestly have no idea where it's going, but I like the beginning so far. I think it's cute. Then again, I may rewrite it, and if I do, it may end up less or more cute depending on where the frak my brain goes with it.

I've also been thinking about vlogging or audioboo'ing again. I think it stems from talking about podcasts with Lon L. I have anxiety over my writing alone (though I could never imagine not doing it). I don't know. What would I even talk about? And who wants to see my ugly mug on YouTube? Or listen to my voice? I used a voice app for Twitter today, and I just sounded silly. I've been told that I have a good voice for radio, and friends (though I think they were joking) said that I should have my own show like my friends RJ and Dusty do, but I don't think that'll ever happen. Besides, they're all the right kinds of wrong enough for all of us, I think.

I dunno. I guess I just haven't reached that level of comfort to do a solo venture like that. I commend all the YouTube peeps that I follow including the ones that I personally know (I'm looking at YOU Britt F), but I dunno. Maybe one day when I just don't give a flying frak, I'll do it. Or maybe if I had a partner in crime? Or maybe I'll just stick to making my friends laugh. *grin*

All right. It's late, and I'm going to the movies with a friend tomorrow. So I think I should TRY and go to bed now. (What a novel concept. Going to bed before the sun comes up. I wonder if I'll ever master it. Ugh.)

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

Not A Lot, But *Some* Writing Accomplished...

There are a lot of things in my life that I thought were real and ended up being fake. Why can't the opposite be true? 

-Monica from the movie "Accepted"

Let's see. What's been going on in my life? Oh, that's right. Nothing.

So let's get to another update for August, shall we?

• Noemi is at part sixteen with Flying Blind
• Arwyn is at part twelve

Yup. That's all I got done so far since last time. With all that's been going on, I felt like I had put a major dent into my updates, and here I am with just two.

The Lord giveth, and He taketh away... pointing and laughing as he does so.

In all honesty, I am not incredibly with the above mentioned story blog updates... mainly with Noemi. Arwyn is fine for the most part though I think the ending was a little... weak. I just had no idea with Noemi. I kept starting and stopping and then, like word vomit, the update wrote itself and it was done.

I still have to find something to write for "Everything..." and choose one of the three last homework assignments for "Stoically..." but other than that...

OH! I finished my NERDHQ article for my friend Lon L. I sent it to him a few days ago, and it was so long (10-pages, I think), that he had to break it up into two parts. The first part is already posted. Waiting on the second.

I also finished my story thing for Chris M. Yeah! I read it to Kathy W last night, and she said it was fine the way it was. I would have liked a few others to have read it, but I felt I had taken too long as is, so I sent it off to Chris M tonight... with an explanation.

I think I mentioned this before, but I'll recap as quickly as I can.

Chris manned the camera of a movie short which in the end he wasn't pleased with. (He showed me his version, and I thought the editing was fabulous.) He asked me to write him a 3-page story to make a short film on based off the premise of "a man in a room because of a sin". While working on that, my friend Jenny S (who pushes me in life a few notches shy of me wanting to donkey-punch her with a Buick), and "told" me to write a first-person short story from someone else's point-of-view (shooting for about 10-pages).

We all caught up? Great.

I'll say it was roughly several weeks ago when I finished the first draft of the story and sent it to Jenny to read. Knowing the back story of the piece (that I will not get into right now but is based off of real life as all my stories are), she thought I could go a little darker, pushing the bounds of my own reality as opposed to being confined by it.

Wow. That last bit just sounded cool. Well done ME! (self-high five)

Before Jenny ordered me to write this first-person POV story, I was leaning toward creepy with the idea for Chris's story, but then after? It's like when someone asks you a question you knew the answer to BEFORE they asked you. Yeah, it's like that. My "creepy" went on vacation. I was so sad. I sat there, printout in hand and wept on the inside while screaming on the outside in frustration as I couldn't tap one single iota of creepy.

So I decided to send the story (with grammar and punctuation corrections made) to Chris with a weird explanation about how things went down and await his reply.

I thought I could take the story and TRY to creep it up a little, but I don't know if I can. Kathy thinks that if you go for "cute", you come back with "creepy"... but I have NO IDEA how to do that with THIS story. (Trust me. If you read it, I don't think you would either.)

Normally I'd post the story, but seeing as it was for Chris had asked me for it so he could try and make a short film out of it, I'll let him make the call.

Aside from "Stoically..." and "Everything..." as well as August updates for Enyo, Sanya and Kearie, I still have another "review" to write as well as a story to write for Jillian S so... yay for me.

I really need to work on my deadline timing. I was fine in school, but now? I'm all grown-up and can't seem to make my timing stick. I wig out thinking my writing is shit even though in the beginning I was all kinds of happy when asked to write something for someone. As it is, I'm not sure if Chris will actually make a film out of what I wrote, but the idea of it happening is fascinating and really cool.

I have review type stuff up on Moron Life and TV Fanatic, and that's cool.

But other than my pages, I have none of my fiction out there.

It'll happen. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Before I gave myself this goal of being published (novel would have been nice, but I would settle for an online or magazine contest of some importance or something like that) by the time I hit 35. I had hoped I would have accomplished the goal prior to that age, but as it is, I am past due on that deadline seeing as I'm coming up on my 36th birthday in November.

Yeah. Sometimes when I think about it, I get a little depressed. Okay, A LOT depressed, but hey... when you fail at your life's passions, your dreams get a little crushed, and that stings.

I look at my fellow, more successful writing friends who are about my age, and I get jealous. CRAZY jealous. I have a friend (Chris R) who is having a story of his published in a collection. His name is in the table of contents with Neil FRAKKIN Gaiman. (Yeah, I hate him and love him for that.) Truly, I am so proud.

I think there's this blockage somewhere within me and my spirit or something, and if I can get rid of it, the words will flow and the publishing dream will happen.

Do they make Drano or Liquid Plumbr for author constipation?

Yes, I know my stresses about life stability and getting out of this hole I feel has grabbed hold of me some years ago and just won't let go are contributing factors to this lack of creativity that plagues me. I HATE IT! I need Ash from Army of Darkness to come by with his chainsaw arm and free me from this hell.

Or perhaps I could just have more cocktails with Kathy? (She gets many thanks for cocktails and junk food medicine last night. It was much needed and appreciated. I have the best Girlfriend EVER!)

Okay, I'm going to end this blog post on an up-note.

Next week holds promise for me, and I'm clinging to that promise of hope because I know I deserve it, and once I get over that hurdle, I'll find the landmine of joy and explode into happiness.

Well... take from that what you will.

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

Something's Gotta Give and Soon!

Ali Rose: H-hold on a second, I can do this!
Tess: And I think that it's sweet that you think that you can. 

-from the musical film "Burlesque"

I think I can! I think I can! I think I can!... I know I can?... I hope I can.

Hello my lovelies! How's it going? I haven't seen you peeps in a while so I thought I'd shoot out a quick update before I attempt to get some shut-eye (though this heat is pretty irritating so we'll see how that sleep thing goes).

Without further ado (in no particular order), here are the current updates for August:

• Nedea is at part sixteen
• Della is at part ten
• The Strange Adventures of Princess Blue is at part twenty-seven
• Lost and Found is at part sixteen
• The Curly Muse was updated with "Scene: After the Coffee Shop" which is another part to this.
• Penelope is at part fourteen with "A Moment Alone"
• a boy, a girl, and a line... was updated with Long Day Ahead (Prompt 19 courtesy of Jon S.)

Nedea was a quick update, but it was all that came to mind while I was writing her story.

I'm still a little sketchy with where Della is going, but I'm sure something will come to me.

Blue seems to be moving right along which has me fretting in the back of my mind, but I'm most proud that it's my longest running "series".

Kai's story is getting weird, and I still need to go through early bits regarding one part that I messed up on. Also need to get back to previous characters and not focus too much on Kai.

The coffee shop stuff posted to The Curly Muse is something I wrote off the top of my head. I keep meaning to write poetry, but there seems to be no poetry in me at the moment. I do find that I write my best stuff when depressed, and right now I'm more stressed than bummed so... yeah.

I need to sort out "girl" stuff with the Penelope story. I need to back and take notes on girls, ages, and other stuff so I can further the story along correctly.

BGL (a boy, a girl, and a line...) is running merrily along. I really had no idea what the FRAK I was going to do with the prompt that Jon S had given me, but ta-da... I did something with it. I think there might be more to that story, but we'll see. Next month I'll be starting on the newer prompts friends have given m. Woo hoo! A little excited about that. (Is that a weird thing to be any kind of excited over?)

So that's seven blog updates so far with roughly seven more to go (unless I feel inspired and I can do something with the Wheels stuff I haven't touched in ages.

Ugh!

I feel like a little bit of a failure in the writing department since aside from my own writing (novels aside), it seems to be taking me FOREVER to get anything done. Just finished one thing that took almost a month. Almost done with something else that feels like it's taken just as long. I recently started revisiting another project I had for a couple friends. And now I've kind of taken on a present for a friend - the premise being "a spunky girl next door type who takes a road trip and ends up in OZ".

Maybe it's a confidence thing. The life stresses (which have recently exploded into something much bigger) definitely haven't been helping in the creativity department. I dunno. I'd love to have a job where I wrote professionally, but with the small stuff I get a chance to do every once in a while now leaves me second-guessing myself to the point of ripping my hair out and screaming bloody murder.

I'm hoping some of life stresses will ease up soon (like this week - PRETTY PLEASE!) That would definitely take the edge off of life for the moment.

In the meantime, I will continue writing and doing my best.

And to everyone that has helped me out through all these crappy times, I toast you and give you amazingly large hugs filled with rainbows, sunshine and maybe just a dash of happydancing!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment in the morning. I'm going to squeeze in one show from my Hulu queue and then it's lights out for this chica!

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae 

Writer In Search of Her Groove

My name? If you knew that, you'd be as clever as me. 

-XXXX from the movie "Layer Cake"

I did it! I did it! (Yes, late... but I did it!)

With that being said, let me share with you exactly what I did.

• Everything At Least Once was updated with a post about Hello Kitty Spumante wine.
• Stoically Challenged was updated with a story called Memories of a Dancer (Homework Assignment #23).
• The Curly Muse was updated with a tiny coffee shop scene that just came to mind at the moment when I couldn't think of anything else.

That was the final three belated July updates.

And now... it's time for AUGUST!!!

I had a lovely day today else I would have done this post earlier. My friend is in town from Colorado (everyone say hi to Alithea S - and like I said before, her birthday is August 10th so send her awesome wishes whether in person or out to the universe... I'm sure she'll get them), and I'm spending time with her before she goes back. Today her family threw a hugetastically and tasty BBQ for family and friends to see her. I need to make it out to Colorado one of these days when my pocketbook allows since I feel like I'm the only one that hasn't gone out there since she moved.

But that's neither here nor there for the moment.

I always mean to make these posts solely about writing, but then I start rambling about life crap that is going on, and I contemplate about deleting those parts after writing them, but I always end up keeping them. They are, after all, about my writing in some way.

A lot of the time life gets in the way of the things I want to do - like writing. Life can be many things like family, friends, work, or just a general crummy mood. (And I totally doubt I'm the only one ever who has been in a funk for no reason. Sometimes there is no reason for things. They just happen.) But then there are moments of anxiety where you - or in this "I" - just frak myself over in the head and can't get anything done.

I write selfishly. I write things that I create, that come to my mind in waves of inspiration. I flesh them out on paper on the computer and eventually... they make a story. The only times I have ever written for an audience are the times I've written stories specifically for friends as presents or pick-me-ups (like "The Morning After" was for Jillian S. and "The Road Not Taken" was for Alithea S. and the series "The Strange Adventures of Princess Blue" was originally a little random story off the top of my head to cheer up Kathy W.) But essentially the audience I always write for is morbid and twisty little ol' me.

I just wish I could write smoother and not second guess myself so much. Writing my ideas out is one thing, but then there are times where I've written reviews and such for other people, and I get all weird about it. 

What if it's not good enough?


It can be better.


They're going to hate it.


Why am I doing this?

You know... shit like that. 

I suppose I need more confidence in my writing. That would be a plus. Over the years I've slowly learned how to take criticism, but I find I can only take criticism if it's given without anger, hypocrisy, egotism, insult or mockery. I've had people do that before, offer up suggestions, etc, for my work but they're doling out suggestions based off what has worked for them or what they do which is fine in some regards but not all writers are the same and for those people that are oblivious to acknowledge that and think their way is the only way? - I can't talk to those people much less take their criticism or assistance. And the ones that make fun and have no idea what the frak you're doing? Their words hurt, but they also anger, and neither of those are helpful.

Wow. I kind of got off track.

I think I'm going to sign off on this post and try and actually write before the will and energy are gone. Sleep lately has been a rare commodity as of late. Finally falling from pure exhaustion and the body's lack of will to do anything, my sleep is restless due to my cat wanting to be petted or licking me when I'm just about to fall into the black... or my landlady's dogs begin to scamper and bark while she and her husband yell at them to be quiet... or the older housemate who walks around as if he has cement shoes on the size of elephant's feet. Usually I'm so tired none of that matters, but stress and other things I suppose are wearing on my nerves to the point where any little thing now wakes me up making 5-6 hours in reality 30min to hour spurts with difficulties in trying to find the black again.

Again, I got off track. Sorry.

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

Creatively Frustrated & Unhappy With Reality

Debi: You know what you need?
Marty: What?
Debi: Shakabuku.
Marty: You wanna tell me what that means?
Debi: It's a swift, spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever.
Marty: Oh, that'd be good. I think. 

-from the movie "Gross Pointe Blank"

I suck!  I am incredibly behind on my writing, and I hate it, but I'm hoping to change that.

The blogs I have to update are still the same from the last post I did (The Curly Muse, Stoically Challenged, and Everything At Least Once), but I think I can try and catch up over the weekend.  Still August has already started which means I have more updates to do.

*head + wall = solution?*

Light some candles, relax and find my inner peace... or something like that, right?  I don't think that's going to work though I'm willing to try anything.

I'm presently at an all time low, and it's driving me bonkers.  I've been going through one of those periods of self-doubt wondering what is possibly wrong with me.  I have my good days with friends where I'm laughing and being my regular loving obnoxious self, but most of the time I just want to hide away in my room and read or sleep the day away.

Yeah, depressing, I know... that's what stress can do to you.

Most likely due to the stress, various things in my life have suffered - the two at the top of the list being my writing and my health (which extends to my insomnia as well as my energy levels).

Let me share my horoscope for Friday, August 3, 2012:

You can't stop thinking about something that's been bothering you recently. You intuitively understand that the only way anything will get better is to talk about it until the energy settles. However, it's difficult to bring your intense feelings out into the open because the resultant vulnerability makes you uncomfortable. Be courageous and move directly toward the source of your discomfort, not away from it.

Anyone care to translate that for me cuz all I noticed was the first line.  Let's just translate "recently" to "for the past few years", shall we?  It's honest and a little more accurate.

I need some stability in my life, but things seem to keep rolling downhill.  And everyone keeps giving me hugs and telling me positive things, but I feel like I've tried everything, and I've come up with nothing but the universe kicking me in the junk with a spikey shoe filled with FUCK YOU!

I'm giving myself a deadline of this weekend (preferably Friday night) to finish some articles that I should have had finished already, but I've been overthinking things and wanting to scream my frakkin head off.  (I obviously didn't drink enough tonight.)

And what's making the writing even more difficult is that I have a scene in my head that has NOTHING to do with anything I'm currently working on.  It's something new.  And I don't want to pay too much attention to it afraid that it'll draw my focus away from what I need to get done.  I could write it out, but it might take on a mind of its own, and then what? I'm SCREWED! - that's what.

All right.  I think I'm going to sleep now.  It's only almost 4am.  Sure I've got nothing planned for Friday... except maybe WRITING or RIPPING MY SKIN OFF AND HAIR OUT... or maybe both!

If anyone needs me, I'll be hiding in my room attempting to be productive.

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

PS... Sorry for the depressing post.  It reflects the mood I'm currently in.