Feeling Better - Hope It Stays That Way

My life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes. That's a sentence I read once and I say it over to comfort myself in these times that try the soul. 
-Anne Shirley from "Anne of Green Gables"

So just to get them out of the way (and seeing as I actually did some story blog updates that I completely forgot about since lately it feels like the universe has been using me as its personal punching bag of DOOM!), here are some updates.

Story blog updates (in no particular order)...

• a boy, a girl, and a line... is updated with You're Lucky I Love You (I feel like I'm cheating since I mentioned this story as part of my May story blog updates, but going back on my notes, I actually wrote two stories for this story blog, and this one is dated June 1st so I'm including it in my June story blog updates.)
• Della is at part eight
• Lost and Found is at part fourteen
• Nedea is also at part fourteen
• Penelope is at part twelve with Shock and Awe
• Sanya is at part fifteen with No Time For Coffee
• Stoically Challenge was updated with Hannah and Mr. Green in answer to Homework Assignment #33
• The Strange Adventures of Princess Blue is at part twenty-five
• Tales of the Unemployed and Unloved is at part ten
• Everything At Least Once talks about Jalapeno Microwave Popcorn

Still need to work on stuff for...

• The Curly Muse
• Kearie
• Enyo

Works In Progress (ish)...

• Results of the Writers' Wheels-O-Wonder
• Story A Day for May
• Second Draft for Jenny S and Chris M
• Chloe (novel)*
• Abby (novel)*

Now all of that is out of the way...

Man, I haven't touched either of my novels in a while.  I REALLY need to change that.  I think of them all the time, but right now my mind seems really preoccupied with the second draft of the Jenny S/Chris M story though I'm finding it difficult to get back to my inner creepy.

Quick, Rae.  Think.  What would MacGyver do?

Looking over everything, I think I have about four more story blogs to update by tomorrow which would make me happy as a clam if I could pull it off.  As it is, I was thinking about writing a poem for The Curly Muse, but I started to write a story for the next prompt for "a boy, a girl, and a line..." (courtesy of Jillian S) so I might just use that as an update and do John S's as an update for that story blog next month.  I'm not totally done with Jillian S's prompt yet, but it's getting there.  I have an idea of how I want it to end, but I definitely need to work on the beginning.

I'm not really good with stuff in space... as shown by this story... but I'm going to try.

In other news, lately my sinuses have been pissing me off.  I have this thing when the weather changes (I think it's humidity or something), my sinuses get all whacked out and rebel against the rest of my body leaving my head to suffer the brunt of it.  Most of the time it's fine if the whether is somewhat constant... giving my body time to adjust and get a handle on things.  But when it fluctuates a lot, I get sinus migraines which are not happy-making in the slightest.  All I want to do is lay down until it goes away, the pressure against my pillow making my head feel better.  But then I can't really write or read a book laying down flat, and I eventually pass out.  And then waking up and the headache is still there?

For the past few days, my nose has been runny and draining into my throat (yeah, I know... gross).  I've been sneezing a lot so I thought it was allergies, but I guess I got a cold (a little one, maybe).  I haven't been coughing, and the sniffling and sneezing have gone away, but my throat is still sore from all the drainage, and towards the end of the day, it hurts to swallow.  I freaked out a little since several years ago, my throat swelled up, and I couldn't eat anything too big or solid.  The stupid doctor gave me pills the size of watermelons (let's hear it for hyperbole, ladies and jellyspoons), and it took a long time for me actually get the damn thing down.  It was like reverse childbirth, but instead of expelling something the size of a watermelon out through something the size of a pea, I was trying to swallow a pill the size of a watermelon down my throat which had swollen shut to the size of a pea.

Mega discomfort I never want to go through again.

As it stands my throat is fine though after Google'ing images of a sore throat during a cold, I look normal.  I'm just trying to kill it with kindness and drink lots of warm beverages to help soothe and possibly melt away the icky-poo-icky of my sore throat.  (Right now I'm drinking tea.  Earlier I was drinking coffee.)

It's crazy drinking hot drinks in summer.  Reminds me of when I went to the mall one freakishly cold winter, and people were lined up at Cold Stone Creamery for treats.  WTF?  I'm not saying you can't eat ice cream in winter, but there are days that it's been so hot that all I want is an iced tea or cold drink of water, but that isn't good for my throat.

Last night at a friend's house, I made some hot toddies with Bushmills... so I guess that kinda made up for drinking all that hot stuff.  It's along the same line of thinking/reasoning as "Sure, I'll have one more donut.  I'll just do ten more minutes on the elliptical."

Never mind.  It makes sense to me.  LOL!

Anyway, I have some ideas milling about in my noggin for the remaining story blog ideas.  Currently I'm with Jess F having a work date (we keep each other company while I write and she does her computer web design stuff).  She is currently "resting her eyes" while I finish this up and curse my damn nose.  I really don't want to rape it tonight when I get home

(rape = neti pot = nasal irrigation)

I've done it once before, but it's always a last ditch effort since it rarely gets so bad I have to do it.  I did it a few years ago during a particularly humid summer when my nose got so dry, everything just went up into my nasal passages and stayed there turning to cement and making me extremely not happy.  I didn't get a traditional looking neti pot (which actually looks like a little teapot).  Mine's a little squeezy tube you fill with luke warm water and do nasty things to your nose/face with it.  I really don't want to do it, but I think I'm left with no other choice.

I just want to be all kinds of awesometastically dope for NERDHQ next month.  I'm volunteering dangnabbit!  I cannot wait to meet up with everyone from last year.  Woot!!!  (Now if I can just situate things to go my way until then...)

All right.  Jess F is up from her nap (and currently serenading me with George Michael's "Careless Whisper"... complete with sax solo) and wants to get out of the house for a while so I shall sign off on this post and check all y'all later.

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

Shut Your Fuck 2012!!!

Can you feel that?
Ah, shit

-from the song "Down With the Sickness" by Disturbed

Ahhh June.  You whore month.  How you have sucked for me this year.  Actually, this year has pretty much blown goats of the largest and most diseased variety.

Oh how I hate you.

I am so incredibly unhappy right now, it's killing me.  Life stresses have been digging away at my innards like a zombie at the bottom of the Grand Canyon which is completely filled to the brim with live naked immobile humans.

(Yeah, have fun with that mental image.)

As you can tell, I haven't been having the best of days though on the brighter side of things, I'm still above ground and breathing which an ex-friend of mine once said which I always took to mean to be grateful I was still alive.  But seeing as that ex-friend is no longer in my life and has yet to deliver the apology they so graciously said they'd someday give me, in my current mood, I say FUCK YOU!

I believe I have been keeping it together as best I can for the most part, but it's hard to keep your head up high when it feels like the universe continues to deal you shitty hand after shitty hand, and seriously... I'm tired of folding.

Life has made it difficult for me to write, but this month has been the worst I think.  I haven't really worked on any of my story blogs though I have been working on a short story which has been a two-for-one combo project for my friends Chris M and Jenny S.

To recap:

I hung out with friends Chris M and Renee M earlier this year, and Chris M told me of this film project that he'd worked on and how much of a nightmare it was.  Then they both proposed the idea of me writing him a simple three page story based on a simple movie formula he got from a book.  I said I'd do it.  Problem is every time I started something, I'd get grumbly about it and start again.  Over and over and over again.

More recently my friend Jenny S has been riding my ass regarding my writing which I actually quite enjoy and appreciate, but recently when I was feeling incredibly down in the dumps, one of the things she gave me was an assignment.  She wanted me to write a short story in the first person from somebody else's point of view.  She originally said to do it within 24 hours, but I was completely at a loss of what to write since most of my stuff is third person.  I read a lot of authors who write in first person, but I find it difficult and a bit of a challenge.

A few days after the Jenny assignment was given, I had an epiphany of sorts of combining the two assignments.  I had a bit of a beginning in my head and a vague outline and idea, but I was going to try to make it work.  I started writing, and made it to three pages quicker than I thought.  I sent a message to Chris and asked if it was okay I wrote more than three pages (mainly because I knew that I was going to write more than that from where I was when I sent the message... as well as Jenny telling me to shoot for ten pages).  He said he was fine with it and to write whatever I wanted.

Now here's the thing.  Those that know me know I have a penchant for writing odd stuff... and also dabble in creepy.  (I never used to believe I could write creepy scenes much less whole creepy stories, but there was this one bit of a story I was working on with a teddy bear that freaked out three of my friends... I was quite impressed with myself and giddy with accomplishment since when I wrote that part, I had only meant for it to be weird and possibly suspenseful.)

Anyway, I'm getting off track.

With this story I was working on, something changed.  When I was working on JUST the Chris story, I had kind of imagined it to be dark and angry.  When it became a Jenny and Chris story, my mind shifted and the story turned into something else and not creepy at all.

Jenny continued to cyber-poke me (she lives on the other side of the states so she emails/messages me often) saying I was to finish the story soon.  Then one day during an independent productive work date with my friend Jess F, I was close to finishing the story when Jenny pops up on Facebook.  Her message was simple.  It was her email address followed by the words "I await a draft".

I finished the story when I got home that night and sent it to John S to proof, but he said he'd read it when he got home (he was at work and we were chatting on Facebook).  I had wanted to run it by someone before sending it to Jenny, but seeing as she said she was waiting for a draft, I decided to just give her a rough draft.  Not wanting to wait, I sent it, and she sent back a message saying she'd read it that night.

Am I the only one that writes something and then gives it to someone to read and is impatient to hear anything back?

Jenny emailed me back her review, congratulating me on my rough draft and said some other positive things, but she pretty much thought it should be creepier and more violent.  In all honesty, I was surprised.  That was my original intention beforehand, but now I was kind of being told or asked or requested to make it more gruesome.

I conveyed Jenny's opinions to John, and he agreed.

So now I am working on version 2.0 of my story.  I want it a little more polished before I send it to Chris.  The current draft is 13 pages.  I wonder how long the second draft will be.

It's weird when I'm asked to be dark and twisty.  I get performance anxiety.  Usually the dark and twisty just flows through me.  Now I have to work at it.

I tried working on my "dark and twisty" last night while surfing the net, talking to John while he was working the night shift, checking out Hulu and fretting about life in general.  (I was trying to channel my inner creepy kid and not finding a connection anywhere.)  So while searching for a connection, I check back to see if John's said anything since I'm watching videos and can't hear the chat chime.  I go back to Facebook and find another chat window open from now another ex-friend with some (insert drama here) news, and it just bowled me over.

Suddenly everything became too much.

Now the ex-friend situation wasn't so incredibly bad compared to everything else I have to deal with, but it was just enough to send me over the edge - the stupid drama straw that broke my emotionally unstable camel's back.  I chatted with John about it, and his words were encouraging, but I still broke.  I also talked to another friend who was in a bad mood, and we kind of brooded together for a while.  Then after not being able to focus on anything, I shut off the minibook and the lights and laid down to try and sleep.  Nimitz (my cat) came over to cuddle with me, and I was grateful for her company.  I literally cried/whimpered myself to sleep and woke up feeling terrible and completely depressed.  I spent the whole day hiding in my room not doing much of anything.  A couple friends invited me out, but I said no.  I wasn't in the mood to be around anyone then.

Later I got a message from my friend Diana M inviting me out for drinks, and I thought about it and thought it a good idea to go, but then gave various reasons why I couldn't make it.  Then those reasons were shot down, and earlier this evening (remember: it's not the next day until the sun comes up) Diana M and Kevin Z picked me up and we (with Dawn S and Jess F) went out.  I had a new drink called a Miami Tea.  Very citrusy.  Not too bad.  Helped Kevin with his Scotch discoveries.  Overall it was a nice night, and I thank my friends for their attempts at cheering me up.

I'm still bummed and irritated and grumbly about the whole thing.  I just hate it when people make assumptions about me based off of whoknowswhat and don't bother talking to me.  The situation last night was a little different than the rest but it still ranks in that category... granted low on the scale but it's still there.

I think I'm a pretty decent person with a big heart.  If it's within my power, I will help you out.  I'm also a bit of a free-spirit that doesn't want to step on anyone's toes so if there's a problem, I want to talk it out, but apparently not everyone is like that.  They'd rather make assumptions on things based off of what others say instead of talking to the one person that actually matters and is involved in the situation.  If you're friends with me, and have issues with me, talk to me.  And if I somehow irritate or hurt or offend you in some way, I sincerely apologize... but you have to let me know because it's not fair to me to be blindly hated or treated badly without any warning or notice if I don't know what's going on.  

The funny thing about all of this is my mood earlier today was perfect for the dark and twisty theme of the story rewrite, but I just had no energy to write due to the funk I was in.  Then after going out with my friends, I came home contemplating working on the story, but when I had the energy to work on it, I had no dark and twisty to give.  I'm still bummed and depressed, but I have no idea how to tap back into that creepy part of me.

So yeah... that's pretty much it.  I haven't updated anything.  I haven't worked on any of the stories for May (that I totally intend to finish even though it's almost the end of June).  I'm not going to take on the 100 blog posts thing until life's a little more stable for me to do so.  I wanted to participate in this year's Clarion Write-a-Thon, but with all that's going on, I just don't have enough left to give it the attention it deserves.

2012 has been a really shitty year for me so far, and it seems to be a pretty shitty year for some of my friends as well.  I really hope things get better REALLY SOON... like maybe, oh I dunno... RIGHT NOW!!!

I need to follow a rainbow to its end and find that the planets have aligned perfectly on a pot of gold with the winning lotto ticket so that things can start getting better.  Until then, if anyone is looking for me, follow the boozey stench and quiet muffled crying.

It would just be so faboo if things worked out for me in a secure and lovely way since I'm volunteering in SoCal next month at NERDHQ (the one thing I refused to give up in the midst of all this nonsense).  I was accepted.  Now I just have to work everything else out.

It will work out.  It will work out.  It will work out.  (YOU HEAR ME UNIVERSE?!?!?!)  It will work out.  It will work out.  It will work out...

And who knows, I might get all my updates done before the end of the month.  That would be something at least.

(head-wall-splat-repeat)

That's all for now.  If you have any words of encouragement, large sums of American currency or alcohol, feel free to send them this way.  They'd be much appreciated.

Later my loveies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

Don't Mind the Crazy... I'm A Writer

Well, isn't it comforting to know that being miserable is still better than being an idiot? 

-Claire from the series "Six Feet Under"

Yeah, I know.  I suck.

May 18th?  (You can't see it right now, but I'm kicking myself.)

Before I beat myself up anymore, let me get the accomplishments out of the way.

• a boy, a girl, and a line... has been doubly updated to make up for April AND May with Unwanted House Guests and You're Lucky I Love You.
• The Curly Muse is updated with So Grateful (part of the Story A Day May challenge)
• Enyo got the doubly update treatment as well with part fourteen and part fifteen
• Kearie is now at part eleven with I Can See Clearly Now
• Lost and Found is at part thirteen
• Nedea is at part thirteen
• Sanya is at part fourteen with Hesitant Son
• Stoically Challenged got a repeat of Homework Assignment #32 (my bad), but I made up for it with Done for Homework Assignment #31.
• Tales of the Unemployed and Unloved is at part nine

And now for the noncomplishments.  (Yeah, that's right.  I made up a word.  Deal with it.)

• I'm still behind on my Wheels-O-Wonder stories which depresses me.  I have part of one from before done, but I still need to write another one to catch up on my bi-monthly updates for that story blog.
• I still need to work on Chris M's story... which I have part of that done, too, but when I look back on what I've written, it does not please me (but then again, you are your own worst critic, so...)
• I'm WAY behind on the Story A Day for May challenge... seeing as it's already June and all, but I still plan on doing all the prompts so... put that in your pipe and smoke it.

And back to beating myself up.

Seriously though, I know all writers get stuck at one point or another, but lately (especially this last month) I've been feeling extremely apathetic about writing.  Usually the insomnia (and sometimes the occasional sinus migraine) leave me in such an exhausted state where my brain is screaming at the rest of me to jot down some ideas or write something, but the body is too weak.

I swear I need to jack-in like The Matrix and spill my thoughts into the computer at times like those.  It would totally beat out the middle man and the hassle of teaching one of those dictation programs how to write what you say.  Then again, my mind is not one of the safest places to linger around in.  It's my mind for frak sakes, and I tell you people... RUN!

LOL!

Yeah, life stress is adding more than usual to the ever-flowing "meh" feeling, but I remain hopeful... though that is on shaky ground and completely unstable (much like me some would say).

*grin*

On a lighter note, I was looking through my story blogs (most of which are just ongoing stories I started for one reason or another and just couldn't let go of), but I noticed that two of them were close to ending.

When I was working on my two stories for a boy, a girl, and a line... (which for some reason I feel the need to do in order), I was looking through my notes and saw that I had two prompts left.  So yesterday on a fluke I posted the following on my various social networks:

Looking over my story blogs, I have two more prompts left for "a boy, a girl, and a line..." (one from Jillian S. and one from John S.).

Anyone want to give me anymore? Just need a boy's name, a girl's name, and a line of dialogue. :)

So far, I have five new prompts.

Confession time: I'm surprised anyone answered.

Originally back in March 2010, I had pinged my friend Chris C totally at random because I was stuck while working on my novel and wanted to write something in hopes my brain would spring to life and say, "By golly.  I have a spectacular idea for the novel."

Yes.  Golly.  Get over it already.

Anyway, he didn't reply until a couple days later so I randomly texted other friends, and they responded.  I posted for suggestions online, and I got some more back... all in all nineteen.  I did a good chunk of them in 2010 in the span of three months.  Then two in July 2011. Then five as of this year since I started this mad cap cooky idea to try and update all my story blogs on a monthly basis.

Yup. Mad cap cooky.  I talk like that.  And?  (That's what I thought.)

Life, stress, insomnia and other writing projects got in the way of me working on the prompts (hence the gap between May 2010 & July 2011 and then later between July 2011 & January 2012).  They were originally meant as something to keep me writing when I was stuck while working on my novel... kind of like when a jogger jogs in place when waiting to cross the street.  But after a while I got poked by friends asking if I'd done their story yet.  Whether or not they were serious and truly cared or were just giving me grief, I tried working on them... for them as well myself.

So now it's become this thing.  

I didn't expect the first nineteen and am rather tickled that I got the new submissions.

Funny thing is some people got confused at my request.  All I said was "give me a boy's name, a girl's name, and a line of dialogue" which I thought was self-explanatory.  Most of the original submissions were exactly what was requested.  Others... I worked with.  Now of the new submissions, I got one boy name and one girl name, but some people have given me more than one line of dialogue... which is fine.  I'll work with it.  And I've properly yanked chains that needed to be yanked.

*innocent cough* Seester *innocent cough*

The other story blog in question is Stoically Challenged where my friend Alithea S posted weekly writing assignments (which I don't do in order which boggles my OCD's mind) via her own page only missing days when she had a lot going on or when she was sick, etc.  Then she moved to another state so in prepping for that move left the assignment postings in the wind... then she picked up when life returned to some normalcy post-move.

Of the homework assignments she's posted, I'm still stuck on Epic.  When I think 'epic', I think Biblical or classic poetry or literature... okay, and the record label as well as my friend Britt F's YouTube channel.  (wink wink nudge nudge say no more)

And for those that didn't get that last part, it was a Monty Python reference.  If you didn't get it, well... I might have to rethink our friendship.

When I've discuss the "epic" assignment with friends, they find a way to put it into perspective for me, and then I get ideas that quickly fizzle away like Alka Seltzer tabs in water.  

I'll get it done sooner or later.  Maybe I'll save it for last.

As it is, I have five left.  There have been thirty-four in total at present.  I think the last one she posted was from January.  Maybe she'll post more.  Maybe she'll post more when I'm working on the last one I have.  Wouldn't that be convenient?  I used to do them in order and on-time, but then I got behind, and then started doing them willy-nilly.

Ugh.  I need to update my notebook of all the stories I've done so I don't repeat anything... like with homework assignment #32.  (headdesk)

Wow.  Would you look at that?  It's 7am, and I really should get some rest due to having to take my friends to the airport later.  The plan is to meet them at their place between 1:45pm & 2pm so we have enough time for them to do the security thing due to them flying international and all.  I also have to get gas in my car.  Maybe even some coffee.  And then there's traffic.  The plan is to get ready around 11am so I can properly fight my way around my housemates and their four Yorkies (one of which who hates me when they're around and then is scared of me when they're not... it's hilarious... considering the other three love me).

So I think I'll end it here.  I've griped, whined, reported and made enough chit-chat to suffice for now.  Still, I need to write here more often than I do.  Maybe once a week?  I dunno.

And if you have any submissions for "a boy, a girl, and a line...", you can leave them here.  Remember, all I need from you is...

• a boy's name
• a girl's name
• and a line of dialogue
• and also you're name so I can give you proper credit as I have been doing with all the others

Okay, check ya later beautiful people.

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

Seriously, I Got Nothin'

Brain: Our work here is done.

Scamper: "Our work"?  You spent the whole time playing with a piece of ribbon.

-from the movie "Igor"

Sitting in my room dealing with a leaky nose (thanks jalapenos) and wishing away the beginnings of a headache while I listen to some music as I think about what story blog to work on next.

I thought while I try to work out story ideas, I'd write a quick blog to say howdy and all that.

Let's start off with my accomplishments, shall we?  (Update-update time.)

• Penelope is on part eleven with Returned to the Nest
• Real Life I (just) Made Up is on part thirteen with A Necessary Introduction
• The Strange Adventures of Princess Blue is on part twenty-four
• Della is on part seven

I'm behind on a lot, but at least I did this much so... yay me?

I'm still tossing around ideas for the 100 day blog thing, but my mind's so all over the place, I'm not sure if I'm even going to do it.  I know I keep saying that, and I would love to, but I just can't decide on anything.

As it is, I'm behind on StoryADay for May.  I did one story for the entire month thus far.  It's the 18th for frak's sake.  And my OCD/anal-retentive brain wants to do them in order... so as you can see, the May 2nd prompt is leaving me agitated.

*head-wall-splat*

As far as "writing" goes, I've been thinking of the show Leverage a lot in a fanfictiony kind of way.

One thing to know about me is I'm NOT a fanfiction author by any means.  Yes, I've dabbled in some stories as gifts to friends, but that's where it ends.  I just never feel comfortable playing in someone else's sandbox like that.  Sure there are shows that I know a lot about, but I just find the whole thing intimidating and wouldn't want to muck anything up.  Granted that doesn't keep me from thinking up stuff.

Oh no, Sir!  It does not.

See... I love me some TV.  And when I say "love", I mean "LOVE".  But I guess that comes with the territory since I'm a writer (as well as an avid reader).  I just LOVE me some good storytelling.  So when I watch my shows, every once in a while my mind will conjure up some character (usually female since I imagine people I know in the roles of stories I write... with me as the main chic lead) that fits right into that shows universe.  I'll think about them from time to time, but that's pretty much it.

Okay... I write some things, but they're mostly just for me.

As with all the story bits floating around in my noggin, some kids refuse to quiet down while Mommy is working.  When that happens, I have to show them a little attention until they calm down, and I can get back to work.  So I write out what's in my head until it's no longer distracting me and go back to the story at hand... the story I want to focus all my attention on.

So yeah... I have a few tidbits or scenes I thought up that dwell in the realms of some of the shows that have entertained me over the years.

I think my fanfiction daydreams started back in the days of Doogie Howser, MD.  I never cared for Wanda or the way she treated Doogie.  I had envisioned a different girl for him, but of course there's was not an immediate thing.  They started off as good friends first.

Next up was Highlander: the series.  (I think I've seen all the movies and sadly cared for the series much more.)  I created an immortal who befriends Duncan and Richie, but has her own dark past as well.  Ohhh, and she and Amanda do NOT hit it off right away.  Tee hee...

I've played around with Sports Night (LOVED that show... should have had a longer run than just two seasons).  I wrote a love interest for Dan that eventually had to compete with Rebecca (since she came back at the end of season two).

I also thought up a character for the Blood books universe by Tanya Huff which takes place after the last book.  (A new love interest for Henry.)

Most recently I had an idea for an additional character for the show CHUCK (I WANT MORE THAN FIVE SEASONS!!!).  My girl fit into the beginning of season four.  She's a fellow CIA agent only sent out for a brief visit, but then ends up staying on to help out the team.  She becomes fast friends with Chuck, but Sarah doesn't trust her due to the last agent sent out to work with them and how well that turned out.  (Agent Shaw anyone?)

And now we have Leverage.  I know the show is back in July, but one day the show just popped into my head, and I couldn't stop thinking about it.  My girl who's path crosses with the Leverage team since they're after the same man for different reasons.  Then Nate sees something in her and offers to help her in her pursuits and as payment for his help, she must assist him and his team for the duration of her stay.  (There's also a friendship with Eliot that builds.)

Yeah... Leverage keeps trying to take over my brain, and it's driving me crazy.

I have eleven more story blog updates... twelve if you count the one I didn't do for last month... thirteen if you count the Pol story I never finished.

Then there's my story for Chris M as well as the Story A Day for May.  I did one so that leaves (gee, what is today?) seventeen left?

And possibly the 100 day blog challenge.

And my novels.

*head-wall-splat*

*head-wall-splat*

*HEAD-WALL-SPLAT!!!*

Add that to the life stress I'm already under... I'm amazed I haven't killed anyone yet.

(takes time to breathe and unwind)

Right now it feels that all I have is my writing, and it's driving me bonkers that I feel like I don't even have control over that.

It would be incredibly awesome if some incredibly awesome decided to bless me with its magic wand and turn my life around so perhaps the lack of stress would kick my insomnia in the junk and seduce my Muses into sticking around and help me finish some of my storytelling so I can feel better.

Oh to feel better.  That would be lovely.

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

And the Gold Medal For Failure Goes To...

Writer's block: when your imaginary friends won't talk to you.

-Anonymous

So I feel like a loser.

Oh yeah.  I totally do.

I am WAY behind on my writing.  I mean WAY behind.  I haven't started on my May updates, and I still have one (I think) story update from April that I still have to do. 

I finally made a decision on what to write about for the 100 day blog challenge thing, and I'm excited about the Story A Day for May challenge.

And then there's the story for Chris M. as well as the damn Wheels-O-Wonder page.

Excuse me for a moment.  I need to bash my head against something until my skull splits open and my brain oozes out.

Seriously!!!

Frak you stress with the insomnia and other stuff that is making my passion suffer.  I hate you. 

Sure it'd be easy to blame them for my lack of productivity, but I just sit at stare at a blank page either it be digital or paper, and it just stares back alternately laughing and sighing and rolling its eyes.

It makes me want to cry, but I haven't been able to cry in a while.  The closest I've come is when I have any form of sinus issues that makes my eyes water, but that's about it.

Wait.  I take that back.  I cried at my friend Lorraine A's funeral last month, but that was more of a silent weep.  (I went to the bookstore we used to work at together a day or so after the funeral, and I got all weird on the brink of tears again.  She was a great lady, and I'm a broken idiot.)

I think that if something, just one little substantial thing, happened for me I could maybe get a grip on things, but nope.  As hard as I wish, nothing happens. 

You would think as broken as I am, I could use this drama and stress and pour it into my writing, and I used to be able to do that.  Now it's getting to the point where I can't function.

My friend John S is running a Shadowrun game, and we met recently to make characters, and I couldn't think of shit!  I got teased a bit with the whole "Oh, the writer can't make a character?", and a part of me wanted to punch people while another just wanted to punch myself... or throw myself in front of a Peterbuilt in a "it was fun while it lasted... at least the pain will stop" kind of way.

Wow!  I'm REALLY bummed.

(looks to heavens)

If anyone gives a damn and needs to throw a little graciousness and awesome somewhere... I'm RIGHT HERE!!!

In any case, I thought I'd make an attempt to post something here and hide behind the illusion of accomplishment but so far it's not working.

Calgon... take me the FRAK away.

Listening to my iHeartRadio app, and even though it's about romantic relationships, I'm going to take it as words of encouragement.

"Hold On"

by Michael Buble

 Didn't they always say we were the lucky ones.
I guess that we were once, babe, we were once,
but luck will leave you cursed, it is a faithless friend,
and in the end, when life has got you down,
you've got someone here that you can wrap your arms around.

So hold on to me tight,
hold on to me tonight.
We are stronger here together,
than we could ever be alone.
So hold on to me,
don't you ever let me go.

There's a thousand ways for things to fall apart,
but it's no ones fault, no it's not my fault.
Maybe all the plans we made might not work out,
but I have no doubt, even though it's hard to see.
I've got faith in us, and I believe in you and me.

So hold on to me tight.
Hold on, I promise it will be alright.
Cuz it's you and me together,
and baby all we've got is time.
So hold on to me,
hold on to me tonight.

There's so many dreams that we have given up.
Take a look at all we've got,
and with this kind of love,
and what we've got here is enough.

So hold on to me tight.
Hold on, I promise it will be alright.
Cuz we are stronger here together,
than we could ever be alone.
Just hold on to me,
don't you ever let me go.
Hold on to me, it's gonna be alright.
Hold on to me tonight.

They always say, we were the lucky ones. 

Later my lovelies.

Have Goodness!
Rae

May the "Fourth" Be With You!

Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes. Even between the land and the ship.

-Yoda from Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back

Yup!  Nerdy intro, I know, but dammit!  I'm a nerd, and damn proud.

Plus Yoda is a BAMF!!!

Sidenote: Yoda was voiced by the lovely and talented Frank Oz... who also does the voice of Grover.  I remember when I realized that and couldn't get images of Grover dressed in Jedi robes talking in that backwards philosophical BAMF speak while Yoda just ran around Sesame Street talking like all the other monsters explaining to the kids the difference between near and far as well as over, under and through.  Kind of like a Muppets Freaky Friday!  (And they should totally make a "There's a Jedi Master At The End of This Book" book in the same vain as Grover's.  That'd be AWESOMESAUCE!!!)

(nerd babble over)

Howdy my lovelies!  Yes, I know it has been a while, but I'm here now, and all is right with the world.  (Well, not in MY world, but I'll leave that alone for now.)

(looks at last post)

APRIL 16th?!?!?!  Are you frakkin kidding me?!?!?!

(takes a moment to chastise self before slamming head into wall)

Annnnnnnd... we're back.

Before I start to ramble and forget, let's do the update-update, shall we?

• Lost and Found is on part twelve 
• Penelope is at part ten with "Someone's Been Sleeping In Mother's Bed"
• Real Life I (just) Made Up is at part twelve with "This Is Not What It Looks Like"
• Tales of the Unemployed and Unloved is on part eight
• Enyo is on part thirteen
• Sanya is on part thirteen with "Not Enough Wine"
• The Curly Muse has a short story called "Quid Pro Quo" (more on that later)
• Everything At Least Once has a new review for "Rockstar Relax (Relaxation Drink)"

I'm behind on one April update for the story blog "a boy, a girl, and a line...", but I'm giving myself until the end of the weekend seeing as my head hasn't been in the right place lately.  Life stress has been effecting everything in my universe, and it's pissing me off royally.  There has been a drought in my creativity, and it's killing me.  Do you hear?  KILLING ME!!!

(CAPS LOCK + ! = hella stressed and frustrated)

I firmly believe that in keeping writing ANYTHING keeps the creative juices flowing.  I believe in working through your "stuck moments"... pushing through and persevering.  But I feel like I've been sucked dry.

I still need to finish my Pol story that I started for my Writers' Wheel-O-Wonder story blog.  That story blog only has two entries in it, and it needs more.

I also haven't decided if I want to participate in the 100 Days blog challenge on the other site I'm on.  I've gotten some suggestions from friends and while mostly entertaining, nothing has truly leapt forth and shouted "Pick me!!!"  (Maybe I just won't do it.  Meh.)

Then there's the story for Chris M. I need to write.  I have the idea, but my brain can't map a way to get it to the page.  Every frakkin time I write something, I slam into a wall.  (And he only wants THREE PAGES!!!)

(grabs hammer to bash head in with)

Then a few weeks ago, my friends (and fellow writers) Tammie B replied to one of my tweets...

Me: Another story blog update down.  Roughly ten more to go.  #amwriting

Tammie B: Write me a story!

Me: What would you like?  (Take into consideration I'm not sure when I'll get it to you, but I'll try.) #amwriting

Tammie B: Surprise me. 

So I figured I'd kill two birds with one stone and write a short story for my "The Curly Muse" story blog, and send THAT to her.

But then nothing came.

Then a few days ago I tweeted (like I do)...

Me: Looking over my twitter feed before I start writing.  See if I missed anything.  (Also, "Boogie Shoes" is currently playing in my head.)
Tammie B: *cough*writetammieashortstorybecauseyoulovemeandiworkedtwelvishhourstoday*endcough*
Me: Once upon a time there was a girl named Tammie who worked a lot.  The End.  j/k
Tammie B: Wow!  That was epic!

The story I ended up sending her was the "Quid Pro Quo" one mentioned above which was inspired by the internet.

What's that?  Explain further?  All right, then.  I shall.

So it was nearing the end of April, and I had two blogs left to write anything for, one of which was "The Curly Muse" which is my miscellaneous page for anything that is not a series of some sort.

I wanted to write a short story for the April update, but I couldn't think of anything.

(mind = blank canvas with no paints in sight.)

During a moment of "stuckness", I did a search on the interwebs for writing prompts.  There used to be several pages on another community I'm a member of, but they all seemed to go away.  Then when I did a new search, the communities were all for fanfiction (which I don't really write) or hadn't been tended to in months/years.  I looked through those anyway since I was only looking for prompts and they didn't have postmarked this year or anything.  Just ideas.  I started an email to myself collecting all the pages I'd come across that I thought were remotely interesting from that site.  I also found a few from Tumblr and other sites... added those to the listing.  I really wanted to do something with one particular Tumblr prompt page, but again... no ideas came.

Then when looking through my Twitter feed on my phone, I saw a tweet from a lady I follow by the name of...

Debbie Ohi (@inkyelbows):  Are you ready for the @StoryADayMay challenge?  I'm using it to brainstorm pb & novel plot ideas: storyaday.org

I checked out the website and Twitter account found the prompts (their Twitter feed also has other writing suggestions and ideas).  I liked what I saw.  So I decided to participate (without signing up on the site and just doing my own thing). 

Now of course I'm behind, but I'm hoping I'll catch up.  And who knows?  Perhaps one of these prompts will help me write the stories I've been needing to write.

The first prompt was called "Keep It Short" and gives the only real limitation of length:  1200 words or less.  I started... and restarted... and rerestarted... several times, but nothing was working until I was looking through my bookmarked prompt sites for any ideas and saw a picture of a bridge.  I ignored the prompt that went along with the image and just stared at the bridge which had my attention.  

Then I started writing. 

Funny thing... as I wrote, the number "1200" streamlined across my mind like one of those electronic marquis you see at the airport of whatever.  So halfway through a document page, I paused to do a work count.  Then I'd write more, pause, do another word count.  And so on and so on.

400... 500... 700...

By 800 or so, I decided to stop checking and just write.  For some reason, I was pretty sure what 1200 words looked like.

Nope.

I stopped checking, I got my mojo working, had an ending in mind, and then... Voila!  DONE!  Happy with myself, I did a word count... and found I was at 1500+. 

(long list of impossible obscenities here)

I suck at editing.  My brain shuts off as if it say, "Nuh-uh!  I'm done.  Find someone else!"  But I made myself do it anyway.  I wasn't going to let myself go to sleep (or try to, anyway) until I was done with the story and posted it.

It was just like when I was writing the damn thing.  I started at the beginning and cut some things or condensed some things.  Pause - word count: 1490.  Dammit!!!  Cut some more.  Reword stuff.  Pause - word count: 1450.

Eventually I got down to 1204 and thought Four more words!  I can do this!  In the end, I whittled it down to 1199.  I gave it a title (Quid Pro Quo) and posted it to my "The Curly Muse" page where all my short stories will go.  (Which I think in doing a post for every day in May, I'll give myself a little slack for June... maybe July, too.)

I sent the link to Tammie B via Twitter saying, "How about this?"  (She's good for my ego.)  She said, "It was awesome.  I loved it."  

(blush)

(high-fives self)

I'm not sure how much writing I'm going to get in over the weekend since I'm seeing The Avengers with Leah G and Jim G through his work.  This Saturday and Sunday I'm feeding Geoff T's cats.  Saturday is Free Comic Book Day, so I'm hoping to stop by Anna C's store to visit, say hey, and perhaps pick up some freebies.  And then there's a Cinco de Mayo shindig at my Dawn S & Jess F's place.  Sunday might be a little laid back.  I usually watch Game of Thrones and sometimes other assorted goodies with Leah G and Jim G at their place.  Monday is a friend's birthday dinner which (being jobless), I just might stop by and give hugs and well wishes.  

Oh yeah!  And Tuesday is Character Creation at John S's place for a game he wants to run.  Thursday is Dusty's World.

Random note: Today while on the way to the Hall of Justice/Hall of Infamy (aka HOJI, aka the house in which my friends Kathy W - aka my Girlfriend, Steve C - aka Shteevil, and Geoff T live), I stopped off at the AM/PM near my house for a drink.  While walking back to my car (which was parked on the side of the building facing the bathrooms) a dude walked past me.  He looked a little agitated.  I saw he was walking to the corner of the lot where the back of the AM/PM met with a fence separating it from the business behind it.  I thought I saw a hole in the fence and thought the dude was going to go through  it, but then I saw him stop... to piss.  My first thought?: Does he know I'm, like, right here?  My second thought?: Dude! - the bathroom is RIGHT THERE!

Now... where was I?

Wow.  Wednesday's free.  That's interesting.  And then there's the weekend where being jobless and broke I am not able to see my family for Mother's Day.

(looks for hammer for self-head-beating again)

I know the base problem at the moment in my life is being jobless.  I've been calling and emailing and applying, but it just seems so frakkin hopeless.  I applied to some big places (oh... that would be lovely to get a job at one of those lovely places) and some little places as well.

I just want to work.

The stress of not having a job is to my insomnia as gas is to a fire.

I know if I had some steady income, I'd start to mend... hell, maybe even sleep, but I have to get that job first.  Right now I've got feelers out, and I'm always being told things will work out or just to concentrate on the good things, but staying positive when you feel like you're being shit on constantly by the government and the economy makes sustaining a sunny disposition a little arduous at times.

But hey... there's always alcohol.

So yeah, that's my life in a poverty-stricken nutshell.  I didn't mean to be a Debbie Downer, so I will end this post with a silly little Twitter convo from a few days ago between me and my omakase pal John S (aka Jaquas) - complete with links to certain babble in case you need them.  *grin*

Me: Not really happy today.  Quite depressed actually.  Hope some serious awesome happens before week's end.  I'd greatly appreciate it.

John S: *pouncehugs* I'd offer to hang out, but I'm stuck at work til 7, then off to Dad's to hopefully plan out Montreal.

Me: No worries. It's the same ol' same ol'. Was hoping a miracle would happen today to make me feel more secure. Alas no.

John S: I can probably pull something off tomorrow if you want to hang, or go to the meadery or what have you.

Me: Sounds good.  Drinking helps in moments of depression and anxiety.

John S: Nah, friends help in moments of depression and anxiety, drinking is just a social lubricant. ;)

Me: Ahhh, social lubricant... by Johnson & Johnson.  FDA approved.

John S: "It's so silky smooth!"

Me: Now made for him AND her.

John S: Accessories include: Beer goggles "Making people look that much more attractive every day" #sociallubricant

Me: Social Lubricant: to say what you don't really mean to say one slur at a time.

John S: Side effects may include memory loss, waking up in strange locations, and AWESOMENESS. #sociallubricant

Me: Side effects may include projectile vomiting, groping body parts that aren't yours, and visiting Candy Mountain without leaving the comfort of your barstool.  #sociallubricant

John S: Chaaaaarliieeeeeeeee #sociallibricant

Me: And here ladies we have a victim of #sociallubricant.  Nothing sushi won't cure though.

John S: Pffft.  Victim my arse!  #sociallubricant (Also, sushi sounds nummy)

Me: Did I say victim?  I meant "someone experiencing the effects of #sociallubricant."  (And sushi's always nummy.)

John S: Good cover.

Later my lovelies!

Have Goodness!
Rae

Too Frakked To Think Of A Title

Sam Weber: So how's your life?
Karen: Oh, great. How's yours?
Sam Weber: Not so great.
Karen: Ohhh, we're telling the truth. 

-from the movie "The Big Chill"

Hello my lovelies!  And how are we all this fine and glorious day?

Just to give you a heads up, it's around 4:30am when I'm starting this so that should give you some indication of how *I* am.

Yes.  Insomnia has been one fickle, torturous bitch that has been bullying me a lot more lately (and winning).  The other day, I didn't get to sleep until about noon.  The day after that?  Maybe between 10am and 11am.  Most days I get tired enough to sleep anywhere between 2am to 7am, but then housemates start to get up and make noise, the dogs bark, phones ring...

It would lovely and ideal if I could sleep at roughly a regular time every night and be awesomely functional with 3-5 hours of sleep... which I can (if kept busy).  The moment I stop or sit down?  Stick a fork in me cuz I be done!

There are other things aside from insomnia (which are most definitely aiding the evil wench in her mission to make me a sleepless zombie) that are happening/have happened that have not kept me in the best of moods and mindsets (drama betwixt my friends, failures in establishing occupational/financial bliss, potential car issues, deaths of loved ones, etc) leaving me a bit of an emotional weirdo, but I won't get into those because they are forever in my heart and mind and so talking about it on my writing bloggy blog won't really make a lick of sense.

But I could always use those feelings in my writing.

Anyway... on to the status of where I'm at presently with April's story blogs (in no particular order):

• Nedea is on part twelve.
• Tales of the Unemployed and Unloved is on part eight.
• Della is on part six.
• The Strange Adventures of Princess Blue is on part twenty-three.
• Stoically Challenged gets another homework assignment completed at the same time Kearie gets another installment with "Fever Dream".

So that makes six story blog updates, leaving (checks notes) eight blogs to update (nine if you count the Wheels-O-Wonder one I've been lagging on).

And by "lagging", I mean "completely stuck and have no idea how to fix it".

And none of those stories include the story that I'm trying to write for my friend Chris M,

LOL!  And my friend Tammie B. asked me to write her something.

Oh yeah... and I'm thinking about participating in a 100 Things Blogging Challenge on a different site I'm also on.  The basic premise is: 1. Pick a Thing.
and then... 2. Commit to blog about it 100 times.  (Problem is, I can't seem to think of a "thing" to blog about.

So much to do.  So little time.  (Even less sanity.)

Oh!  Oh!  Oh!  The coolest thing happened recently. 

What's that Rae?  Tell me more.

Well, I'll tell you!

The other day I was surfing my Twitter (Did that sound dirty to anyone else or just me?) when low and behold I found this little gem in my mentions (Again... dirty or just me?):

http://www.displacedkorean.com/

First I saw the "found an awesome blog" bit and was wondering how this concerned me.  Then I got to the web address, and my eyes about popped out of my head.  I must have reread the tweet a hundred times.  I was just filled with glee because...

• someone mentioned me on their account (of their own free will)
• they said my blog was awesome
• they said I was funny

Now I've used the words "awesome" and "funny" in jest when in reference to myself, but someone else thinking so?  That's just cool!

I haven't been this happy since Scheherazade K. expressed an interest in reading my work (nothing scary, violent or creepy since she doesn't dig that sort of thing which sucks since that is my sort of thing... sort of), and I let her read Clothes Make the Memory... and she cried.  I remember being torn since I wanted to hug my friend and comfort her since she was crying, but then was proud and ecstatic that something *I* wrote could evoke that kind of reaction.  I've been told to make someone laugh is one thing, but to make them cry is a greater accomplishment.

But that's my fiction we're talking about there.  What my pal Joshua from the above tweet is referencing is non-fiction.  (And as it is, I still need to find something to review for this month.)

Wonder how he came across my blog...

In any case, he's supporting me so I'll support him.  All the information is listed above in the tweet and caption.  Stop by his sites and say howdy! 

Ahhh, the sound of birds in the morning.  Sounds almost like the victorious banshee cries of insomnia winning again.  (Curses! and Drat! and all other sorts of exclamations of the pissed off variety.)

It's 6:30am, and I suppose I should sign off for now.  My last update was on the 3rd.  It's only been 13 days until this one.  I've stopped posting individual notices of when I've finished an story blog update and have just included them in my main blog posts.  In doing that, a part of me doesn't want to write a blog post if I don't have anything to show for it (meaning I haven't really written anything save the blog post).  Hopefully my writing mojo will kick back into gear and make it so I update more often.

We shall see.

Until then, I'll keep muddling through.

But for now... I shall sleep (or at least try to).

Later my lovelies!

Have Goodness!
Rae