"It's been a long time, we shouldn't have left you
Without a dope beat to step to"
- from the song "Try Again" by Aaliyah with Timbaland
"If not now, when?"
- Anonymous
Hello... again.
And HAPPY NEW YEAR!
...
...
...
This feels a little weird.
Good... but weird... ish.
It's been a LONG time since I've written anything here. I've peeked about here and there, opening the page, looking at the layout, even had the urge to change some things here and there, but to actually write something?
Oh dear.
It's not to say I didn't want to. Of course, I WANTED to, but the actual act felt a little lost to me.
My last post was April 30th of last year -- and it wasn't even an actual post with an update or substance. I was just answering a question from a Q&A book I have. (And to be real, that book is WAY too small to write anything in. I need room - not to explain things, but to actually write in the book. I think I would've done better with it - at least on the paper page - if the book was a trade paper size or something.)
Now I have no delusions that anyone (aside from maybe my friends on occasion) reads this. I mean YES it would be pretty cool if I started some kind of community of sorts of interaction with folks, but there's a part of me that really only does this for me -- and if anyone actually reads any of this... and replies? That's just a plus.
But to start that community-feeling? To have this blog become a little more than it has been? That would be a little double-plus-good if ya know what I mean. (Not sure why I'm using terms from Orwell's "1984" - but some of that stuff just sticks with you, I guess.)
I'm just hoping to get back into the swing of things. I haven't really written or read anything much in what feels like ages... and I think that's due to overall stress. Stress with a sprinkling of a variety of other things has left me with no real drive for much.
I sleep. I go to work. I come home. I run an errand or two somewhere in between. I do laundry. I feed myself. I zone out on the computer by mostly on YouTube or researching something for a project like something I'm cooking or crafting... but all of that is few and far between.
And don't get me started on "powerloss" (and for those of you that have no idea what I'm talking, I'm talking about my period - and you're welcome).
The idea that I'd start at twelve, have the most irregular cycle until I went on the pill, then had to stop taking the pill and experiencing cycle bliss when a business I had been working at for eight years closed (this was around the time the economy started to nosedive into the crapper), but by this point my body has somehow adjusted to "oh this is what it was like on the pill for all those years so we'll sort of stay with that schedule" but then Mother Nature added more things like nausea and achy boobs and (what feels like extreme) fatigue. (And yes, I know your body changes, but for the love of gawd, can we just not with the "you're already feeling uncomfortable once a month - now let's make it even worse".)
That was a rant. Sorry about that.
Basically what I was getting at was along with my insomnia and stress and lack of energy, adding fatigue to the mix is just a cocktail divined from Hell. On a regular non-powerloss day, on a scale of 1-10, I'm at about a 7-8. On a powerloss day? I feel like a 4-5, but I push through if I have something to occupy my brain, to keep it busy, and work does that.
But I feel like my brain - the conductor of this entire "temple" which is my body - is focusing all its energy and time to the main thing to keep this temple afloat. (Work = paycheck = apartment/car/clothes/food/etc.)
Though lately it just feels like "work = work = nothing else = just work."
And for the past year-ish I've been giving into that way of life. I have two weekly friend things I do, but most of the time, I'm so worn out that the moment I stop moving, I'm out.
I miss writing. I miss creating. Even when I wasn't finishing anything - hitting roadblocks left and right - at least I had story ideas. At least I was writing SOMETHING!
So... leading up to the start of this new year, I decided I was going to try. I decided to try and do things, to be better, to find that energy I seem to have lost, to find peace at work (since it has the tendency to piss me off a lot more than it should - but that's a whole different thing).
I haven't been happy lately. And by lately, I mean LATELY.
There are days I feel... picked on, taken advantage of, forgotten, abused, unappreciated, disrespected, ignored, abandoned, ridiculed...
Which then leaves me... angry, pissed off, depressed, sad, hostile, anxious...
That school mentality never leaves you, but back in those days, I managed it. I was able to filter out the shit and nonsense, choose what was really worth my attention and leave asshats and jerkfaces to their own devices. But back in school days, those moments were random, and for the most part, I dealt with them well. These days, it's like machine gun fire - getting repeatedly pelted with bullshit left, right, and center. And the non-stop "attacks" leave you a lot more frayed and damaged... and when you lose your shit? Ugh. I hate that. It feels like they've won.
Those fuckin' infamous "they."
I hate even thinking about them - especially since they're not a specific person or group of people. They just represent a type or a random group of people for a time. I hate giving into those feelings - those feeling THEY tried to make me feel or succeeding in making me feel - because I know I'm better than that. THEY only do those things because they themselves are damaged, and instead of working on themselves to make themselves better, they stay in their rotting shell of a life and tear everyone else down because "if I can't be happy, no one else can be."
Wow. That got dark.
Let me back up, refocus... writing! Yes! That's something a little more positive.
I haven't been in this big of a slump when it came to my writing (of any kind) since my last car accident. At first, it was just the pain - which during the healing process and the recouping of my life after that came the "writer depression" - that's the only way I think I can explain it.
I didn't write anything after the accident - anything of substance. And what was worse - I didn't feel the WANT to write. I had never felt that EVER. Usually, I have an idea I want to work on, but I'm at the office or I'm driving or I'm too tired and can't function enough to type much less put pen to paper (which makes me think of the scene from Baby Mama when Tina Fey visits Greg Kinnear at his juice place and tastes a drink he's been working on. He says that he keeps a notepad next to his bed and writes down ideas when he's half asleep, and they never make any sense. And she says she does that, too, but then she wakes up and has really odd notes like "make everyone twins" and "electric toilet.")
Anyway, it was like the truck that hit me (giant pickup ran a red light and t-boned me on my green on my way into town to visit family as I was two blocks from my mom's place) and TOTALED my car. Maybe it was due to being the worst accident I'd ever been in. He hit me as I crossed the intersection, my car spun a lot, and I landed facing opposing cross traffic (though there wasn't any since it was 2am). That accident left me angry and frustrated and depressed, but eventually, I healed and got better.
This bout of "writer depression" has lasted a bit longer... but last year (more so in the latter half), I started thinking about my stories again - mentally editing, reworking, adding things. And it felt good.
So now with the tight concentration of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's done, I'm going to do my damndest for focus back on my writing.
As well as some other stuff.
And who knows? Maybe I'll actually finish a book this year. Wouldn't that be something?
Wow - this post has been all over the place. I really should have planned this better, but
Okay, I meant to get this out on the first day of the new year, but I was too busy being a homebody and doing laundry, cleaning up holiday stuff, making simple syrups and cold brew, and noting what I need to do tomorrow and what other errands I need to run this week (which is a short week due to New Year's). And now it's the second day, but I'll leave it and not pre-date the post due to me being a lazy lady who needs to get to sleep for work in... [looks at clock]... a few hours? (Sheesh!)
Later my lovelies!
Have Goodness!
Rae
PS - Here are some dailies I had tried to keep up with for the past two years and failed miserably at. Let's see how this year fares.
Q: What is your mission?
A: To be a better me than I have been in a long time.
Q&A a Day: A 5-Year Journal
Happy Thought of the Day (HTOTD): Relaxing at home.
No comments:
Post a Comment